drainedwife

In his book Realtionship Rescue, this is what Dr. Phil says about addiction in a marriage:

"Deal breakers! drop-dead zero tolerance deal breakers. He recommends confronting your partner in a loving, caring but unambiguously firm fashion in which you require him or her to get immediate and ongoing professional help. Persist until your partner goes-and if or she resists, then that is a deal breaker. You must be prepared to leave your relationship until scuh a time when your partner can objectively verify to you that the problem is under control and that they are in a program of ongoing monitoring and treatment . your partner must understand with absolute clarity that you will not remain in a relationship with them as long as there is substance abuse. There are no exceptions and there is no wiggle room.. be strong in your resolve.
He goes on to say it does not matter that this is a disease. why someone destroys your life doesnt change the fact that its destroyed. the fact that addicion might be a disease does not give you back your life. the fact that it is a disease does not lesson the need for intervention and, in fact, may call for even greater urgency. Every disease, or at least its treatment, involves an element of personal choice. By forcing treatment, you require your partner to excercise that choice. That is a gift.

Love your partner from afar, forgive your partner in your heart, attend your partner's treatment sessions-but dont live with them. You deserve better. When you demand it, you will get it, and not a second before.

If children are involved, then underline everything i have just said. if you dont have the courage to protect them, then they are at the mercy of the drug abuse. Dont you dare even consider giving in to your trepidatoin of confronting the situation because you are the only thing that stands between those children and a destroyed life."

Well said Dr. Phil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dollydo

The last paragraph says it all...children first. They deserve so much more, and it is up to the responsible parent to make sure they get the life they are entitled to.

I agree, "Well said Dr Phil".

drainedwife

I love Dr. Phil..and reading this the night before i have to go to court really helped me see that we need to be apart right now and until there is some significant change and he has proven this to me, reconciliation just cannot happen.. i am no longer accepting, i can quit on my own...thats a crock---and i am no longer accepting, "i havent used in weeks...."
enough BS..he has to be 100% committed to change.....and i wont settle for anything less....

lostparent

Good for you stay strong!!

rose

DW,

Maybe take that book with you tomorrow, just to have it in your purse, you don't have to bring it out, but just having those words of wisdom so close to you might help any doubt you have.

I really enjoyed reading what Dr.Phil said, I am going to re-read it
Rose

Elana

He said it way better than I could and he has credentials to back up his words. Absolutely terrific advice!

Stay strong. You need to do so for your kids!

BigSis

(((dw)))

Cupicake

I'm hanging that excerpt up. Thanks!

Live

bump

teke

thanks dw, i'm praying for ya

Melanchonika

the lasat part was really said for me to read. realizing that by staying, evne though my husband snuck out at night to use, behind our backs, and was in bed by early morning before we awoke.........my kids suffered but more from me. i got so angry, ridiiculous, and bitter. felt trapped in a home with no training for employment, no support from family...and 4 children under 12 now. honeslty i think they suffered worse from my reacting, which would have been considerably less had i left a long time ago. im so mad at myself.

Godsgirl

Drinking this like a cool glass of water when I have been sooo thirsty...very very helpful and encouraging to me...especially now.

hope4better

Thank you for posting this. I've been thinking about leaving for so long and am finally working on a plan to get out. I actually feel bad for my AH but this helps me to know that this is the best thing for everyone. My AH always makes up excuses for where he's been and what he's doing and denies using.
Sometimes I think he actually believes his own lies.

lostparent

Hello hope4better... You've came to the right place as you can see by reading the different post you'll find plenty of support here.Your right it does seem like they believe their own lies.

krhea75

I've cme to realize that feeling sorry for my son prevents me from doing the right thing. We are the parents. We have to stand up and do the right thing.
krhea