WantsOut

Was talking to my exAH who is under outpatient treatment due to probation. He mentioned that none of his AA groups think much of alanon. When I asked why he didn't really elaborate. He also tells me all about these guys in his program, junkies and drunks, who do all kinds of crazy things and their wives didn't leave them.

I told him it makes me upset when he tells me that. This is the second time he said it. I said you're trying to make it out like I'm the only woman who left. Even if it's true, maybe it's cause I have more choices than some others might - I'm self-supporting (usually), own a home, etc. He said he didn't mean it that way but I'm pretty sure he did.

On some basic level I think he still believes that I was wrong to kick him out.

When he got arrested I cut contact. Then he needed me to go to court with him (I don't want to debate this part - I felt it was the right thing to do). I also needed his help here and there while I'm unemployed. Slowly we have gotten back to talking nearly every day.

Now I see that it's time for us both to move on. I'm close to a job offer and have my tenants in place. He knows what his sentence will be and he has been blessed by his HP cause anyone else would be in freakin JAIL for what he did (DWI #3). He has not only managed to keep his job but to thrive and do well. But I'm hurting him by hanging on. Somehow even after all this time it's very scary to let go competely.

Just needed to write it all out ...

MsPINKAcres

My interpretation of his saying "None of his AA groups think much of Al-Anon"

Just because he says it doesn't make it true.

Quack, Quack, Quack

In my experience, the majority of AA groups are very supportive of mates attending Al-Anon. Regardless of what the A is doing.

Also, doesn't really matter what he or they think - it's about what is best for YOU.

Take what you like & leave the rest,
Rita

parentrecovers

well, i'm going anyway! k

kermit

Sounds to me like you have it alltogether! You are awsome!

Spiritual Seeker

Sounds like you know manipulation when you hear it. It is never easy to end a marriage no matter what the circumstances. Usually we come to learn that it is even harder to stay when we get some distance.

CE Girl

Timely Wantsout,,,

Mine doesn't tell me A's don't like it, he just tells me I'm getting misinformation. Or interprutting what I'm hearing wrong,,,

I think he's getting me confused with HIMSELF,,,,LOL

sounds to me like you've found a "gradual and natural" solution,,

I envy you

Peace

Saint Francis

Good topic. Yeah, heard that before too. AH doesn't like me going to Al Anon. Why? He says because that implies that he is the problem, that what I need to do is look in the mirror and see what a mess I am blah, blah, quack, quack. Usually in the same conversation: I shouldn't be talking to friends and sister about the situation either blah, blah, quack, quack. I, stupidly, engage in these quackersations saying "I need support and better ways of coping and isn't that a good thing?" But I guess as always, A's only think of themselves and how the codie getting help makes them, the As, look bad. Poor babies. Whah, whah! I think AA supports all other twelve step programs since they are all related with the same steps so it's your xah who thinks it's a bad idea.

GlassPrisoner

The happiest relationships I have seen in AA are usually an A in recovery with their Alanon partner. There's more than a few of them.

A's not in recovery, that haven't investigated Alanon, think it's a bunch of women gettting together, griping about men, and supporting each others decision to leave their men.

Men in recovery know better.

Rella927

I have to say IMHO I believe that Glass above me took the words out of my mouth! I do not believe that if an A is in recovery and actually grasping on to Soberity that they would even utter those words WantsOut! Sound like you have it together though! For sure! Smart cookie!

As Glass stated it so well there are alot of people that are in recovery with their Al-Anon partner and as long as they are both working their programs-they will not critisize but rather support each other in their own beliefs!

Look prime example above me of an A! (And alot more of them in SR and I must say I'm pretty darn proud of our A's!)


(((Hugs))) WantsOUt

Cynay

I date a man in AA who works a pretty strong program.... One night when we were talking he mentioned that he does not think a relationship with someone that is not in a 12 step program would work for him.... Im al-anon/CoDA and to be really honest I have not had alot of luck dating Normies... they just dont "get" why I attend Al-anon/CoDA when I no longer had an alcoholic in my life.... and they dont like the time I spend on my recovery.

The only AA'ers I know that dont love al-anon are either brand spanking new or not working a 12 step program....

SO.... if he is in a outpatience treatment and his fellow AAers have as much soberity as he does... well that makes since... if not .... Quack Quack Quack.

Pick-a-name

True....maybe just the ones he is hearing voice an opinion.....like the ones who are court-ordered ,new to sobriety,etc.,etc Kinda like the "everybody" who didn't think his drinking was a problem,etc.,etc.......a bunch of duckS!

I am sure many new to sobriety do hold resentment towards Alanon and it's teachings. After all, it makes life a lot harder when you are an alcoholic and your best enablers stop bailing you out of your messes and leave you stuck with them. Dang; I bet they hate that when it happens!

tiburon88

I agree that some AA members do not particularly like Al-alon. I am amused that Al-alon mem- bers call us ducks and that we quack, quack, quack. It's understadable to be angry with us. However, do you realize how difficult it is to overcome alcohol/drug addiction? Do you know how poor the recovery rates are? Just something to think about, I guess.

Hemmingway's D

Yeah, but that doesn't mean we have to make it easier for you. It's your recovery. We have our own recovery to work on.

dobiediva

While I don't know how hard it is to overcome alcohol/drug addictions I DO know how hard it is to overcome my addiction to my alcoholic. He is MY drug. That's a pretty powerful addiction too. Just like the alcoholic needs to get help and have support so do I. Otherwise statistically we are BOTH doomed. Even if he isn't drinking that doesn't mean he's not an alcoholic. Just because I'm not currently with an alcoholic doesn't mean I'm no longer a codie. One slip is all it takes to go back to square one. One phone call from him, one time seeing him is all I need to be back into the circle of addiction. That's my "one beer".

I don't think EITHER group should knock the other as they both have the same goal! My exABF blames you guys here at SR, Alanon and the TV show Intervention for me calling the cops on him and breaking up with him for cheating on me (funny tho' he's not blaming ME anymore. Now it's YOUR fault! LOL). You know what, he can blame all he wants but YOU guys are NOT the ones that leave me crying wondering why I'm never enough to help him and why I can't just walk away from it! My sanity, my will to fight back are a direct result of the support I've received from those who have been there. I can't get him sober, but I don't have to put up with the actions of HIS addiction either!

denny57

Jeez, the open AA meeting I go to, they applaud us Al-Anoners. Go figure.

MsPINKAcres

No offense Tiburon, but yes we know how poor the recovery rates are. We have tons of loved ones that we are praying for, hoping for and silently detaching with love that they will find their path to recovery.

We see that on a daily basis. Our son, daughters, husbands, wives, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, grandchildren and friends.

Yes, we know.

Cynay

Tiburon....

You Said:

I dont think we are talking about the "quacking" when we are talking about an alcoholic that is in recovery. I respect my BF and his recovery very much and because he works such a strong program and is now looking at the deeper issues I hear a man with a disease that is doing all he can to stay sober and grow... He does not "quack"

Now on the other hand.... My ex-ah is still quacking... he is blaming everything and its brother for the problem his alcoholism is causing him. He has been drinking so long now that quite honestly he does not make much sense anymore.... He does not take care of his daughter, he is always broke, his business is in the red ... etc... and he always blames everyone but himself.... I think that is what we are talking about with the quacking.

It would be much like when a codie looses it and starts the crazy talking.... I have been there... the craziest and trust me I find it funny as heck when I hear the stories the Alcoholics and Al-anon's talk about our actions.... So dont worry we quack too.

CE Girl

Hey, we don't differentiate,,,,we're a bunch of Mallards when we're full fledge in our disease too,,,,,

"Why do you drink, don't you love me, you love your alcohol more than your child, your a loser, a drunk and no good for nothing,,,,LOUDER QUACK<QUACK<QUACK(mallards are noisier than garden variety ducks )!!!!!

Codieisms is just as hard to cure also. Just read some of the posts here in F + F.

Personally, I'll take whatever i can get if it helps get ME well!! Yes, like in all "organizations" are there zelots? Of Course. Can I even be one? Yup, especially in the begining when finding a program that helped!!! For me, as i "settle in" I am begining to identify the difference. Finding a quiet serenity that works for me. Does that make the members of my group who espouse the ,in their opinion, virtues and viewpoints wrong? No, I just take what I need. I beleive that is the TRUE meaning of that slogan. and frankly, i was so desperate that if someone told me eating KFC chicken would help, I'd be munching on a thigh as we speak. And this from a HEALTHY native hippie chick,,,

IMHO, An RA that doesn't support alanon, is like a codie not supporting AA.

Peace

thinkmink

My AH doesn't like al-anon. He says he is resentful because he is my "qualifyer". He says that takes all responsibility off of me and seems to be under the impression that all we do is sit around and talk about the alcoholic. He calls it my "fake group". He was more supportive of me going to Al-anon when he was in AA. And even when he relapsed because I didn't lose it on him. I became more loving, more patient, etc. But now that I have left him, now he really doesn't like Al-anon. Go figure. Al-anon takes my focus away from my AH, and now I focus my energy on taking care of myself. I finally started getting intouch with how I felt and what I wanted instead of trying to do what was expected of me. I love my AH very much. I know he has a disease and that's what keeps me from being angry with him. But as long as he stays mired in his self-pity expecting me to fix it for him and angry when I don't...I just don't want to be around someone like that. I want better company even if it's just me, myself, and I. Al-anon has helped me be a better friend espeially to myself.

parentrecovers

why no open alanon meetings?