hbb

Hi, because this is all new for me, I was wondering if my bf was to relapse and drink after being sober (he's never gone that long before) for him to push me completely away and avoid me? We had a plan to possibly meet up and he sent an email stating he would talk to me soon and he had to sort things out. Would the guilt of drinking be so great that he would treat me very differently and not loving at all? I jumped to the conclussion there may be someone else but wondering if the same effect could have come from drinking. But on the other hand he's suppose to get his 6 month chip tomorrow and knew i might go. Would it be possible he's lying to his group, sponsor and me and family and still get it knowing he drank? He has been extremely distant, we took a break 2 weeks ago and before that he was snippy and very very distant. Just trying to figure it out. I'd love to think it was not someone else. He sent me a bday card and part of it was that he felt like he's let everyone down.....maybe i'm reading into it....just wondering from experience out there

cookconfay

Relapse queen here. . .and I stayed away and distanced myself from anyone and everyone who cared about me because of the guilt of going back out. Take care of you and your relationship with God and it will all work out just like it's supposed to.

Hugs and prayers,

Connie

parentrecovers

let go of the pain, hbb. work on your recovery and let him handle his own. it's the best thing you can do today. blessings, k

thinkmink

who knows? Maybe it might mean a relapse, maybe it might mean he is still trying to sort things out for himself. Recovery is hard for everyone. Just because someone relapses doesn't mean that they aren't trying to be sober. it's not surprising when an alcoholic drinks, it's surprising when they don't. The key to al-anon is to be able to find your serenity REGARDLESS if the alcoholic is drinking or not. Learning to detach with love is very hard for most al-anoners. We have no control over anyone else. We have give alcoholics the dignity to do things on their own. Achieve or fail, it's all part of the process.

Cynay

I will go over and over and over the same thing till Im crazy.... Yes you are reading too much into what he says, does, feels.... etc. If you are like me you are grasping at straws and trying to reason out what is not yours to reason. Try just taking him at his word... he needs to work this all out for himself ... that is what he told you, he needs time to get straightened out. Dont second guess what he is telling you.

Now ... what your doing now, holding on to threads, obsessing about "what if"
obsessing about the whys and looking for any little crumb to hold on too that there is a chance for the relationship is your disease.... its called Co-dependacy. If you could take the focus off him and put it on yourself... Your life with become much more sane hon.... Respect him enough to give him the space he asked for and Respect yourself enough to work on yourself. If or when he comes around you can rethink a relationship then... but for now I would let it go as final so you can heal.

hbb

Thank you, I will try to do just that, it's just hard because i'm always the one rejected instead of rejecting someone else. I do respect what he says but talking to him yesterday seemed like there was no love unless he's that empty that he claims. I"m getting resentful and mad and i didn't want that to happen if things did start to turn around. Makes no sense, if he wanted it over, why wouldn't he just be man enough to do it?

Spiritual Seeker

Cynay- we are grateful that you do say it over & over and directly remind us to take only our own inventories. Obsessing on someone else in not a satisfying way to live.

Cynay

SS... Ohhh no I did not mean go over and over here on SR.... I do it in my head. I have an answer for every possible question/though when Im obessing over somethin.... the old.... well if he does this... what if he does that... I will say this if he gos in that direction.... Im ruthless on myself. I know how it feels and have wasted probably 1/4 of my life figuring out what is going on with others... only to find out I was either wrong or obsessing over nothing... or making excuses for somone that does not deserving them because I wanted a different answer.

When I started to believe what they say, for just what they are saying.... when I kept taking my inventory and could see it was not me, or my issue is when I found so much more peace. I had to take responsibility for my actions and stop resenting others for something I could have made a different choice in.

For example ... I was so angry with my ex-abf... You could not even believe what I did for him. I put his business together from scratch... I did all the housework, supported him when he was down/stressed, put up with all the drunk behavior, defended him to his family and friends... explaining how he was so much better, lied for him.. forgave him when he cheated on me.... twice!!! I keep myself open to him and let him in my heart, I even opened up my home to him and let him become part of my daughters life.

So when he decided to get sober .... and then after supporting all that and then his soberity .... He 13th stepped on me... I could not believe he could do that to me after everything I gave him, did for him and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that no one could love him more then I did..

OK... so I finnally got my tush to Alanon.... What an eyeopener that was and not a nice one either. What I did for him is take away his responsibilities, self respect, disrespected him by not trusting him to to live his life, denied him the right to life the way he wanted and demanded he live it the way I though best (with me) , manupliated him, I humilitated him making excuses to his family and lying (they knew what was going on) I could go on and on about my part.

What I choose not to see or could not at that time is YES his behavior was unacceptable, but Im the one that accepted it. I knew after a few months of dating him he drank too much, but I was going to be the hero and save him... It was easier to save him then work in saving myself. I was so hurt and angry because of the way he treated me, I felt used .... but did not stop to think that because I kept letting him I was the one teaching him how to treat me.... (and was suprised when he kept doing it??) See what I mean?

I had choices all that time, I choose to stay and because of that it is my responsibility to take my own inventory first and either keep doing it or I could get help, get healthy and focus on myself ... what I wanted, what I thought acceptable and how I want to live my life ... not reacting to another persons....

Im not saying what he did was not wrong.... It was. What Im saying is I was just as wrong for allowing it over and over and over and trying to change him instead of realizing he had the right to live his life..... I had the choice to share my life with him and be abused or not... I could not stay angry forever when I realized he told/showed me for years who he was, I choose to believe what I wanted too ... not what he was actions/words were telling me.