OT (sort of) parenting question, input please

Old 06-19-2007, 07:41 PM
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Question OT (sort of) parenting question, input please

This is not addiction-related (or maybe it kind of is, I don't know), but there is an issue brewing between my oldest son and his younger brother and I would like some opinions.

Oldest son (24) is the one that bought the business that my ex threw away, his younger brother (19) works for him. Oldest son (I'll call him OS) is organized (to a fault sometimes), a perfectionist, smart as a whip, has a degree in business, a workaholic (I know ACOA...). Younger son (I'll call him YS) is easy come-easy go, laid back, a Theatre major in college, mildy dyslexic/ADD, sings semi-professionally, sloppy, and rather irresponsible (is this also ACOA??).

So OS tells me last week when we left the hospital to run some errands the day after his daughter was born that YS is basically slacking bigtime at work-text messaging constantly, being late, eating on the clock, etc..YS is the one that had been drinking and clubbing during his first semester of college; he is an incredibly talented, wonderful, loving kid but he is pretty irresponsible and kind of immature at times. OS learned the lesson of rescueing others far too well from yours truly and is stressing about what to do. If it was anyone other than his little bro he would have already fired them.

So here is my question for the SR gurus: should I talk to YS about this situation, give him a chance to make it right (I am not sure that he even realizes what he is doing wrong; he has worked at that store since he was 12 and was never held accountable to anyone) before he does lose the job, or just let the chips fall where they may? We are very, very close and we have always been able to talk about most anything but I'm undecided about stepping in.

Opinions, comments, words of wisdom appreciated!
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Old 06-19-2007, 08:36 PM
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Hey Jen,

I always try to look at my motivation when i am trying to make a decision I'm not sure about. If you talk to your younger son, why would you want to do it? To give him a heads up and let things fall where they will or to see if you can get him to change? If it's just a heads up and if doing so isn't breaking your older son's confidence, i don't see the harm. But if you think you may be fixing something, you might want to check your codie-meter.

I also like the idea that not to decide is sometimes a decision. I've found when I listen to myself when I lean towards deciding not to decide, something more happens within a couple of days and everything plays out.

I suspect that your two sons will work it out one way or the other no matter what you do.

Prayers for you guys and sending another little kiss to Shelby Grace!
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Old 06-19-2007, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by greeteachday View Post
I always try to look at my motivation when i am trying to make a decision I'm not sure about. If you talk to your younger son, why would you want to do it? To give him a heads up and let things fall where they will or to see if you can get him to change?
Thanks greet,

Well...if I said it was to give him a heads up and let things fall where they will, but I am hoping he will make the better choice and step up, where does that fall on said codie meter??

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Old 06-19-2007, 09:10 PM
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Actually, if it was me, I would stay out of it. No wait, it was me..................lol......oldest son and oldest daughter, she worked for him. I told son, owner of the business, that at work, she was his employee and to treat her as such, that way, less resentments from other employees.

I told daughter, that the 'blood thicker than water' bit stopped at the door of the business, she was just an employee and had to earn the respect of the owner (her brother) and the employees, she was in the business world now.

Kept me out of the middle of it (it being anything workwise, lol) and let them both know I loved them dearly.

Just what worked for me.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-19-2007, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by duet_4-8 View Post
Thanks greet,

Well...if I said it was to give him a heads up and let things fall where they will, but I am hoping he will make the better choice and step up, where does that fall on said codie meter??


Well it's not a 10 but....

Naaah...Hope is great...it's those nasty expectations that get us in trouble!
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Old 06-20-2007, 04:04 AM
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Just my opinion, but I believe that the situation is best left between the two brothers. You are being put in the middle and you should not be because you will be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Sounds like what happens to us well meaning codies Sit back, relax and let the older brother handle it. That way neither one can blame you if things go sour. Hugs, Marle
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Old 06-20-2007, 04:12 AM
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it should be left between the brothers.has the o.s. took the y.s. in the office & talked to him? maybe y.s. does not know he is doing wrong if he has always done it & nobody ever questioned it.in most employments you get write ups & the 3rd one u are out the door.i hope they can work this out.
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:05 AM
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as a theatre major myself for my undergrad, YS probably doesn't really like the whole working in a business thing. I know I didn't.

That being said, it should be up to his boss (OS) to talk to him if YS is not being a good employee. If YS was employed elsewhere, you wouldn't get involved would you? He's 19 and we all have to go through this sort of stuff at some point. Hugs!
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:21 AM
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Originally Posted by MeggieStar View Post
it should be up to his boss (OS) to talk to him if YS is not being a good employee.
That is what I told OS, too, the day we talked about it. I told him there is nothing I can do about it. He knows that in his head, but he is just as much a codie as I am, or maybe worse. He just recently got up the strength to stand up to his dad (my ex) who was coming to the store relentlessly and tormenting OS for not jumping in to try and save our marriage.

All of this is a product of the years we all spent living with exah's addiction and abuse; OS's reluctance to put himself and his family first, and (at least I think) YS's lack of responsibilty (after all, he watched his dad float through life for 18 of his 19 years while everyone else picked up the slack). As competent and mature as OS is, he still seems to expect me to 'fix' things because that is the way things have always been.

I know I can't fix this and it really isn't even much of a problem in the grand scheme of things. I guess old habits die hard..... but at least I have recovered enough to stop and question my motives before I dive into the middle of someone else's mess.
The old me would have already jumped in with both feet! LOL!!

Thanks guys!
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:24 AM
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I hope you can let them work it out.
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:26 AM
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(((((((Duet))))))))

All great responses before me.
I think I'd have to stay out of it, too.
OS should really talk to YS and not involve you.
Prayers that the two of them can work it out without mom's input.
Love,

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Old 06-20-2007, 07:50 AM
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If OS chooses not to speak to YS as a boss, then well, that is his problem and maybe his business will suffer for it. But he owns that decision, and one way or the other he will learn from it. I understand about not wanting to stir things up, but as a supervisor you sometimes need to make hard choices.

Hugs for you, OS and YS!
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:17 AM
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I'd have to agree that its OS's "job" to speak to YS, or any other employee that has issues needing addressed. And it may be a good learning experience for him as well.
No sense letting the codie grow, huh? ; ) The poor guy is probably stressing over his brothers behavior, AND the impact on his reputation as a boss.
BUT...
I know me and I'd probably open my big mouth at some point, hoping that a word to the wise would give my YS options, if I felt he was unaware of whats coming.
Maybe you could stay out of the issue, but still talk to YS about career options, perhaps something he feels he would excel at?
Seems having them work togather will just drag Mom in time and time again.
Whatever you decide, good luck!
((((HUgs))))
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:30 AM
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My daughter and my younger sons relationship fell by the wayside because of her drug addiction. He had his first child in Feb. and he did not want her to be a part of it because of drugs. Needless to say their relationship fell apart. I was so torn as to what to do. I kept wanting to try to fix it so we could all enjoy the new baby together. I knew it was not for me to fix.........I stayed strong and never interfered.
One day my AD took my little album of baby pics and pics of her family with the baby. I knew that was her only connection to baby and family, so I let it go. She decided to get clean.........she did it on her own this time. On father's day she called her brother to wish him a happy first father's day. Her other brother's birthday was on father's day and she also called him. She is really trying to mend her relationships. They all had a good talk. Younger brother told her he wanted her to have more clean time before she could be in his baby's life. He told her to stay in touch with him and he will do the same with her. Older brother and her do stay in touch. She seemed fine with the outcome, and is continuing to stay clean. I am really glad I stayed out of it on all sides. They did all of the work and I got to see the positive outcomes. For today I am happy that they are taking baby steps to work things out...........and I will sit back and watch.

Let them work it out........you'll feel better about it and so will they.

Praying that in time they will work through it..................Lois
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