thinkmink

Just piping in to say my AH likes to call me about everyday or at least every other day to tell me how unfair it is that I am at my mother's house, how I am punishing him, how his entire family think I am evil now because I left...blah, blah, blah. I totally see through him and he is simply trying to wear me down and get me to come home. I keep telling him the same thing that I am doing the best that I can for myself and I hope the same for him. That I hope that someday we can be together again and that I need to be away from him in order to heal myself. He is still drinking. He is going to therapy. His therapist tells him he needs AA. He did quit for 5 days, went through withdrawal, and then started back again. I don't talk defeatingly to him about whatever progress he attempts. I am always supportive and when he went back to drinking I didn't come down on him. He has to figure it out for himself. I know all this. I try to stay away from any negativity with him at all. It's just frustrating when he is constantly trying to bait me, fill me with self-doubt, manipulate me, etc. I am tired of him telling me the same old thing. Finally today I wrote him an email that said basically I know how he feels and he knows how I feel (He thinks I am unfair/punishing him and I don't agree/taking care of myself) I told him that us continueing to have that same conversation over and over again wasn't benefiting either one of us and that I was a poor substitute for his therapist. I suggested that he may want to explore his feelings with his therapist instead of me. I just wanted to vent that out of me. Al-anon can be hard, but it is particularly hard when there is only one person working the program. But I work hard for myself. If we can work it out--GREAT! If not, well, it's because I chose to be well and healthy because the only way we can stay together is if he chooses to fight his disease. He loves drama and his behavior became worse and worse as I provided less and less drama as my time wracked up in the program. He has actually said to me that some women get beat up by their husband's and don't leave so that was proof what little commitment I had to our relationship. The mental and emaotional abuse was taking such a toll on me that I gained all kinds of weight, couldn't sleep, was losing my hair, felt like crying all the time but did my best to find my serenity (but most of the time just focussed my energy on not taking the bait) I had to leave for my sake. I told him I would think about coming back when he had 30 days in AA and could go 30 days without flying into a tirade on me. Of course he says that is totally unfair. I just read the "merry-go-round" pamphlet. It's so awesome. Yes, everyone is freaking out and mad because I am not playing my part. It sucks being out here all alone. But that's what Al-anon is for. To let us know that we are not all alone. That we can be healthy for ourselves and that's ok. That someone else drinking/stinking thinking isn't our responsbility. Thanks for letting me share.

kermit

Share away and stay stong yo are doing great

aztchr

Is it possible not to take his calls or delete messages?
Keep taking care of yourself!

~Troy~

Sometimes we need to get a little self-centered to do what's best for us and that's not a bad thing. You seem to be on the right path for yourself and just need to keep on it.

It's hard not to try and put stipulations on situations like this, I would say try and stay away from that (like the 30 day/30 day thing). There's always two sides to every story and not knowing his, except for your input, who knows what he is thinking. Just going off of what you have stated, he needs to to do what's best for him also. That may be a recovery program. Sometimes it takes a loss of all hope for someone to finally realize this. Stipulations give a level of hope, in my opinion, or a desire to do things for the wrong reasons.

thinkmink

I take his calls because we have a daughter. I want him to know that I am in no way trying to keep him from having a relationship with her.

thinkmink

I hear ya' troy. I have avoided saying anything like that for a month now. But when someone keeps asking you "when, when, when" over and over again I felt like he had to have some idea of where my head was at. I have told him over and over again that when I felt safe to come home I would, but that just would **** him off and he would say "how am I supposed to do that?...some indifinate, unattainable idea of yours" etc... I don't feel safe going home. If he can learn to control himself for a month then I think I could consider going home again and we can begin couples counseling too. Which is something he has expressed that he wants to do. But I can't subject myself or our daughter to daily tirades. He will have made some major progress if he can do the 30/30 even if he has to "fake it to make it".

~Troy~

That's completely understandable and still keeping with the "what's best for you" approach.

The tirades you speak of, are they one sided or are both of you involved, meaning a big yelling match?

thinkmink

one-sided. He flips out even more when I try to leave the room so I don't have to be subjected to it. I try to shield as much as I can from our daughter so if I don't want her to hear him yelling at me..I have to just sit there and listen to him say the most awful things.

~Troy~

That's quite unfortunate. One day hopefully he will realize that it all gets one nowhere. Back to the doing what's best for yourself. Your daughter adds a little more to that though with having to keep her best interest in mind also. I myself am not a parent, so I can only imagine how tough the situation must be.

criss-cross

tm -
What you have described is so much like my stbxah. Especially the phone calls that repeat the same thing a million times per call. Stbxah calls sometimes 2-3 times per day, sometimes not at all (I like those days). We have 3 kids.

He has supervised visitation only - 3 hours every other weekend. I went to my lawyer one time and told her about the constant calling and she felt he was abusing his visitation.

I would only answer his calls on your terms. There are many times when I just let it ring - why should I answer the 3rd call at 10:00 p.m. Or limit how often he can call - that allows him to have contact with his child - but keeps your sanity too.
Of course in my experience - they just don't get that. I could tell him until I'm blue in the face to just call one time a day / a week - he probably wouldn't even know what day of the week it is anyway.

I used to tell stbxah that I loved him but couldn't live with him and the drinking. But I have learned that that doesn't work. Selective hearing. He only hears what he wants to hear and that is that I love him - so he will keep trying to get back together, and in the process he has pushed me away farther. I don't say that anymore.

Stbxah told me the other night that he's tired me getting everything I want, and it always being about me. I told him 'and it's about time!!!!!'

Someone here told me once to shut off the ringer, I thought it kinda harsh at the time, but then I thought about it and I'm glad they said it.

Oh & the 'I'm nicer than other guys - some other guys abuse their wives' heard that one too. But emotional abuse hurts too.

Don't think you're shielding your daughter - I'm no expert but I might guess that that says it's ok for a guy to treat her that way too. Be an advocate for your daughter's rights.

Your not keeping him away from a relationship with her - his alcoholism is.

Hang in there - ((((tm))))

CE Girl

Hey Think Mink and Troy,,I don't beleive we've met,,,nice to make your acquantainces and WELCOME to SR

I don't have children with my A (thank the spirits), so I can't imagine how hard it is to throw that into the mix. Of course we want what's best for our children. I have three adult children, and I can tell you, when they were growing up, I would do ANYTHING to protect them from harm. Emotional AND physical

I can so relate to the QUAKCING of your A's. I think theres an inherited gene that makes em ALL so good at it. Always putting a "spin" on whatever they can to use as ammunition against our "buttons". After all, who knows em better than the person you sleep with? And I beleive they listen to us. For the sole purpose of picking out what suits there purpose. A fine "partnership" wouldn't you say?!?!?

I'm pretty new, but the first thing I learned was:

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

Good for you for taking care of YOU.

Unfortunatly, I finally had to cut off all forms of communication. Just got to the "healthy" point of hos emotional abuse being unaceptable.

Thank you for sharing with us,,

Peace