Hi, I'm new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1
Hi, I'm new
Hello,
I just wanted to introduce myself to the group. I am about to remarry my ex-husband that I divorced due to issues with drugs. He has been in and out of the state penal system for the last five years - all because of meth. I had tried to force him to get clean, his mother did too and others did. It never worked. Now we have all left him alone and after over a year, he has gotten clean (while in jail) and actually admitted to his problem. He is working on his 12 steps and is on step 5 now. This is the first time I have ever seen him serious about getting and staying clean. This is also the first time that I have seen his eyes look the way they look in the last five years. He is finally becoming the man that I married once again. I have been holding on to the hope that he would get his life back on track so that we could be together again. I have always known that he was my soulmate. Now I want to do what it takes to support his decision, but I really don't know what to do. We did drugs together when we first got together, but I was 16 then. I haven't done drugs in years and have no intention on doing them again. Now I just want some people to talk to that know what to do. He is very positive now and is working the program. Do I just sit back and listen for now? I know that sometimes doing nothing but listening is better than trying to get too involved.
Any suggestions?
I just wanted to introduce myself to the group. I am about to remarry my ex-husband that I divorced due to issues with drugs. He has been in and out of the state penal system for the last five years - all because of meth. I had tried to force him to get clean, his mother did too and others did. It never worked. Now we have all left him alone and after over a year, he has gotten clean (while in jail) and actually admitted to his problem. He is working on his 12 steps and is on step 5 now. This is the first time I have ever seen him serious about getting and staying clean. This is also the first time that I have seen his eyes look the way they look in the last five years. He is finally becoming the man that I married once again. I have been holding on to the hope that he would get his life back on track so that we could be together again. I have always known that he was my soulmate. Now I want to do what it takes to support his decision, but I really don't know what to do. We did drugs together when we first got together, but I was 16 then. I haven't done drugs in years and have no intention on doing them again. Now I just want some people to talk to that know what to do. He is very positive now and is working the program. Do I just sit back and listen for now? I know that sometimes doing nothing but listening is better than trying to get too involved.
Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Well, I dont' have a whole lot of advice (welcome to SR, BTW!), but I say just sit back an listen for now. I wouldn't be in a hurry to get re-married, especially if he is still in jail. Let him get out and prove himself for a while. Marrying him in haste isn't the kind of support that will help him stay clean. He has to be able to stay clean on his own because he wants to.
And, if he IS in jail, I need to say something and I want you to know that I don't mean it to hurt you: Jailbirds all sing the same song while they are in the cage.
I hope things work out for you.
And, if he IS in jail, I need to say something and I want you to know that I don't mean it to hurt you: Jailbirds all sing the same song while they are in the cage.
I hope things work out for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I am no expert but I do have experience .................my AH let his life and addiction get out of control...............lost everything and went to prison for 41/2 years..............went thru a program got clean......................married me and 6 years later was using again.......now he is in rehab and guess what...........
hes not sure he loved me.............funny thing is.....before rehab he said ...........he loved me more than anything..........all those years I was important our life our future............he just knew thats what he wanted
But hes an addict and even years later what he wanted was drugs...........but today he wants to be clean and it seems that that entails finding himself................
so my word of advise is .....that you keep in mind that an addict is always an addict.............and life can be good for years sometimes then revert back..................just be careful and make sure you can live with that .............(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
hes not sure he loved me.............funny thing is.....before rehab he said ...........he loved me more than anything..........all those years I was important our life our future............he just knew thats what he wanted
But hes an addict and even years later what he wanted was drugs...........but today he wants to be clean and it seems that that entails finding himself................
so my word of advise is .....that you keep in mind that an addict is always an addict.............and life can be good for years sometimes then revert back..................just be careful and make sure you can live with that .............(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome Crystal, I'm glad you found your way here. I hope you will read through some of the posts, especially the "stickies" at the top of the page...They cover lots of great info on addiction and codependency.
What to do? Focus on you! If he is working the steps and involved in a program, he will know too that this is the best thing you can do...Personally I think the best thing for you and for him. Recovery is hard work for the addict and for us, but it is life changing in a very positive way.
One thing I sometimes see is partners feeling troubled by all the itme devoted to meetings and the fellowship. Committing to the program can be life saving and early recovery takes a lot of focus. So I think the best thing you can do to support him is let him work his program. Perhaps even delaying remarriage so he can take the time and energy he needs to focus on recovery. I found attending Naranon meetings and working that program helped me in very positive ways. Meeting with people face to face who understand is terrific.
Keep coming back...there's lots of caring support here!
What to do? Focus on you! If he is working the steps and involved in a program, he will know too that this is the best thing you can do...Personally I think the best thing for you and for him. Recovery is hard work for the addict and for us, but it is life changing in a very positive way.
One thing I sometimes see is partners feeling troubled by all the itme devoted to meetings and the fellowship. Committing to the program can be life saving and early recovery takes a lot of focus. So I think the best thing you can do to support him is let him work his program. Perhaps even delaying remarriage so he can take the time and energy he needs to focus on recovery. I found attending Naranon meetings and working that program helped me in very positive ways. Meeting with people face to face who understand is terrific.
Keep coming back...there's lots of caring support here!
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