nina01

I am new to SR as far as posting however have been reading for some time. Just sent my husband off to rehab and am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. We have been married for 6 years and I have been dealing with his lies and manipulation the whole time. He was sober for a while but the last few years he has been using on a regular basis but trying to keep it from me. I could always tell but when I tried to talk about it of couse he would deny it. I want to divorce and move on with my life but I am feeling a bit guilty about serving him with papers in recovery. I know that i need recovery too - I have tried Naranon meetings but didn't feel comfortable there. I guess what i am looking for is for someone to tell me it's okay to move on and things will get better. My family and friends are very supportive but since they haven't lived it they can only understand so much. Part of me, a small part, wants to stay but i just don't see how it can work. I keep wondering - What If this is the time he really stays clean.

best

Welcome to SR Nina

Then that would mean he is finding recovery for himself. You would need do the same. Anon meetings are one source to do that.
Stay or go... it would still be a good idea for you to find some support and self recovery. Stay and he gets clean and stays clean... it will only get as better as what you both put into your own individual recovery.
Leave... it will only get as good as your own recovery allows.
Drugs and alcohol affect all who are around them, not just the user. You may not see the need but there is a need for you to find answers for yourself.
Read the posts that say "sticky" beside them at the top of each forum. I am sure you will find a few answers there.

finallyout

hi nina, welcome to sr. you'll find a lot of great support here. i'm fairly new myself so really all i can say is to keep posting here, try some different anon meetings till you find one you like and focus on your recovery. if you're not ready to make a decision about divorce yet, then don't, wait until you are sure. the addict in my life is also my husband so i do understand your pain. read thru the stickys and keep us posted on how you're doing.

Spiritual Seeker

6 yrs of living with an addict just might be too much. That is understandable. Do what you gotta do regardless of what he's doing. Sounds like you are working through it and are strong enough to make the right choice. If you don't have kids you really have to determine if this is the man to have your kids with.

outonalimb

Hi Nina...welcome to SR. I'm sorry to read about the situation with your husband. The addict in my life is my exhusband (exah).

I really understand those mixed up feelings you describe. I'm glad your husband is in rehab...because you will now have a chance to breathe. I'm sure you are probably exhausted right now...and your emotions are all over the place. I've been there and I know how scary it is.

I remember back in the day...when things seemed to be at their worst with my exah, he had been in and out of rehab a few times...(we have a young son together)...a friend of mine (a recovering alcoholic) told me that I was as sick as my exah was. I was SO ANGRY at her for saying this to me. How dare she, I thought to myself. I"M NOT THE SICK ONE...I'M the one running around trying to keep our family afloat...I'm the only sane one in this relationship...Oh...man...was I mad at her for saying this. I know now, however, that she was absolutely right...I WAS just as sick as he was...My life wasn't consumed by drugs...no..but it had become consumed by HIS drug use. My every thought, emotion, fear, hope...everything...was wrapped up in him and his problem. I lost myself in the process. One day I looked in the mirror and I didn't even know who I was anymore...all I saw was the desperate wife of a drug addict.

I tried meetings too but they just didn't work for me although I know they are incredibly, incredibly helpful. Im willing to bet that had I attended meetings, my recovery would have probably progressed alot faster than it did...but I did it my way and worked my way through things with alot of help from people here at SR. I slowly figured out a way to take my life back and make decisions that were in my best interest and not the best interest of my exah. It was a very slow and agonizing process. I'm still a work in progress but I can tell you that all of the hard work has been worth it because I am now at peace with my life...I have control over my destiny and I don't feel trapped in a marriage ruled by addiciton any longer.

I guess what I'm trying to say...in a long winded manner...is that you aren't trapped...your life doesn't have to be defined by what your husband does or doesn't do once he gets out of rehab. He has choices to make about the type of life he wants to live and so do you.

Welcome again...I hope you stick around and let us get to know you better. We all learn so much from each other here.

greeteachday

Hi Nina, Welcome...I'm glad you found us...there are lots of wives and girlfriends here who do understand. My child was the addict in my life, and although our circumstances are different, I certainly relate to your pain.

I hope you will take this time while he is in rehab to really focus on you and take extra special, gentle care of you. You don't have to make a decision today...give yourself some breathing room...you've been through a really tough time. As you begin to heal, i think you will know what works best for you. No matter what you decide, we are here to support you. Hugs

dollydo

Welcome,

All I can add is that "He will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not" that's it.

This is a chronic disease, one that there is no cure for. Relaspes are common.

If you have the ability to accept that and are willing to spend the rest of your life waiting for the next shoe to drop, then stay. If you are not, then go ahead with the
divorce.

In either case, work on you, get to those meetings, keep posting, it will help.

rozied

Welcome to Sr Nina. Everyone has given you good advice. Take this time to work on yourself. Dolly is right about an addict always being an addict. Relapses are very common. It all depends on whether you can stay with him knowing he could repapse at any time. My 1st hubby was a Compulsive Gambler & after 10 yrs of trying I divorced him.
Keep coming back SR is a great place to be when you are involved with an addict.
Love,
Diane

hope213

welcome to S.R., i am glad you found us.i can not tell you to leave or to stay but i can tell you there is nothing you can do to save your husband.the addict in my life is my son.addiction is a long hard road & it is up to the addict to find a better way for themselves.it is up to us to find a better way for us.i hope your husband gets his miracle.work your recovery & turn him over to your H.P. take care of you.prayers for you both.

nina01

Thank you all for the good advice. I have found an alanon meeting Friday night and am looking forward to going. Each day is a new beginning for me. I have alot of friends and a good job to get me through the days and everyone at SR to get me through the nights. I am truly blessed. I haven't heard from him in 2 days now - curious to know what he is up to but kindof glad he hasn't called.

We never had children together, i guess in the back of my mind i always knew it would be a bad idea. I know now this is no way to live. I can see my future and i know i will be fine it's just getting there that's the hard part. I have to stay strong and focus on myself.

drainedwife

I have to say that one big factor is that you have no children with this man. there are no ties to him..once you leave your done and you never have to look back...just pray to your HP to guide you and you'll find direction.

GOod luck!