New at this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
New at this...
I recently posted this thread in the New to Recovery section, but somebody suggested I come here... So... here I am...
Over the weekend I was faced with a horrible decision. Leave my live in boyfriend, get a restraining order and sit back and watch him slowly kill himself, or do something.
And yesterday I went to court with a few family members of his and had him committed to a 30 day state alcohol and substance abuse center. I feel awful. Even though I know all the facts and I know logically that I did what I had to do to keep him safe, I know that he hates me more than anything or anyone right now. All I can do is hope and pray that in the next 30 days he's able to get clear headed enough to see why we had to do this - and how bad he really was.
As of yesterday he was in COMPLETE denial. Even after I took his car keys Friday night, he took a friend's car and got a DUI on Saturday - he blames me for that, for calling his family, for taking any pills in the first place, and now for sending him away. He thinks I turned the whole world against him - and really all I did was pull together the people who love him the most and were willing to do something in some attempt to save him.
I keep questioning if I should have let him sober up and tried to talk him into treatment - even though i know this never would have happened. It's an awful thing to see someone you love in handcuffs and ankle chains being brought into a courtroom. And to have to watch him while he listens to the testimony you gave to put him where he was. And then to listen to him lie on the stand and say that the only reason I am doing this is because he broke up with me (which he didn't, unless you count his drug induced rage when he told me he wanted nothing to do with me again).
I know he must be so scared where he is. It's a state run facility run by the department of correction. I basically sent him to jail. Stupid things, like, I wonder if they gave him an extra pillow because I know how he likes to pile them up to go to sleep. Or what to do with all the food in our fridge I bought for him at the grocery store last week. Or if I should start packing up his things and talk to the apartment company about breaking our lease we signed only 2 months ago.
I know all the answers - I work in mental health and have professional experience with substance abuse. I know I need to give him time to get past the denial and the anger, and hope he comes around. But it's a lot easier to give that advice than it is to live it.
Please, if anyone has had to do this to a family member, or has had it done to them, it would really help to hear the success stories. The stories where it worked and the person came home. I know it's not always the case. I just have to hope and pray that he comes around. He's the greatest guy in the world - when he's sober. When pills and alcohol enter the picture, he's someone I don't recognize.
I love him and would do anything for him. And now I did - I locked him up for 30 days to try to save his life.
Over the weekend I was faced with a horrible decision. Leave my live in boyfriend, get a restraining order and sit back and watch him slowly kill himself, or do something.
And yesterday I went to court with a few family members of his and had him committed to a 30 day state alcohol and substance abuse center. I feel awful. Even though I know all the facts and I know logically that I did what I had to do to keep him safe, I know that he hates me more than anything or anyone right now. All I can do is hope and pray that in the next 30 days he's able to get clear headed enough to see why we had to do this - and how bad he really was.
As of yesterday he was in COMPLETE denial. Even after I took his car keys Friday night, he took a friend's car and got a DUI on Saturday - he blames me for that, for calling his family, for taking any pills in the first place, and now for sending him away. He thinks I turned the whole world against him - and really all I did was pull together the people who love him the most and were willing to do something in some attempt to save him.
I keep questioning if I should have let him sober up and tried to talk him into treatment - even though i know this never would have happened. It's an awful thing to see someone you love in handcuffs and ankle chains being brought into a courtroom. And to have to watch him while he listens to the testimony you gave to put him where he was. And then to listen to him lie on the stand and say that the only reason I am doing this is because he broke up with me (which he didn't, unless you count his drug induced rage when he told me he wanted nothing to do with me again).
I know he must be so scared where he is. It's a state run facility run by the department of correction. I basically sent him to jail. Stupid things, like, I wonder if they gave him an extra pillow because I know how he likes to pile them up to go to sleep. Or what to do with all the food in our fridge I bought for him at the grocery store last week. Or if I should start packing up his things and talk to the apartment company about breaking our lease we signed only 2 months ago.
I know all the answers - I work in mental health and have professional experience with substance abuse. I know I need to give him time to get past the denial and the anger, and hope he comes around. But it's a lot easier to give that advice than it is to live it.
Please, if anyone has had to do this to a family member, or has had it done to them, it would really help to hear the success stories. The stories where it worked and the person came home. I know it's not always the case. I just have to hope and pray that he comes around. He's the greatest guy in the world - when he's sober. When pills and alcohol enter the picture, he's someone I don't recognize.
I love him and would do anything for him. And now I did - I locked him up for 30 days to try to save his life.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hey Newcomer,,Welcome to SR,,,
I don't have any experience, I'm still navigating the waters too. Others who do will be along to help,,
I had to call the police on my A too. Hardest damn thing I ever did in my life. And yup, I did it to save him AND any other poor soul who was on the road trying to get home without getting KILLED by a drunk driver
Its 2 months later and I don't regret it
It didn't get him sober though. I guess the lesson I learned was he had to WANT to do that,,,,
I totally understand this
For me, coming to SR was something I did for ME,,,,,
keep posting,
Peace
I don't have any experience, I'm still navigating the waters too. Others who do will be along to help,,
I had to call the police on my A too. Hardest damn thing I ever did in my life. And yup, I did it to save him AND any other poor soul who was on the road trying to get home without getting KILLED by a drunk driver
Its 2 months later and I don't regret it
It didn't get him sober though. I guess the lesson I learned was he had to WANT to do that,,,,
love him and would do anything for him. And now I did - I locked him up for 30 days to try to save his life.
For me, coming to SR was something I did for ME,,,,,
keep posting,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi newcomer,
I too have seen a loved one in chains, handcuffed and go through all the humiliations of being in jail. It's heartbreaking. I was never directly involved with my son being in jail or going to rehab, but I _do_ know that if I had- he would still be there because of what _he_ has done not because of my actions. Not only did you save him from himself (for now) but you have also saved anyone else he may have harmed.
The last time my son was in jail, I refused to bail him out. This second time he didn't even ask, because he knows the answer. He was incarcerated almost a year, went to a halfway house and will be on his own again in about 2 weeks. He's been clean almost 14 months now.
Just remember that 'you' did not lock him up, his actions brought it about.
In case you haven't seen them yet, please read the stickys and I hope you will try Alanon and some open AA and NA meetings because it really makes such a difference for me and so many others too.
I'm glad you decided to post in this forum. There are alot of great people here who understand all too well how it feels to be in your situation.
I too have seen a loved one in chains, handcuffed and go through all the humiliations of being in jail. It's heartbreaking. I was never directly involved with my son being in jail or going to rehab, but I _do_ know that if I had- he would still be there because of what _he_ has done not because of my actions. Not only did you save him from himself (for now) but you have also saved anyone else he may have harmed.
The last time my son was in jail, I refused to bail him out. This second time he didn't even ask, because he knows the answer. He was incarcerated almost a year, went to a halfway house and will be on his own again in about 2 weeks. He's been clean almost 14 months now.
Just remember that 'you' did not lock him up, his actions brought it about.
In case you haven't seen them yet, please read the stickys and I hope you will try Alanon and some open AA and NA meetings because it really makes such a difference for me and so many others too.
I'm glad you decided to post in this forum. There are alot of great people here who understand all too well how it feels to be in your situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you so much. There's an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow not too far from home, so I think i'm going to go. It's just so hard to get up and walk in the door. But I guess it's no harder than sitting here and crying while I look at the pile of laundry that has to get done, but I can't because I can't handle going through it and looking at all his things.
I opened up his car today to get some things that his work needed. I found 6 nips in the back seat from Friday. He was putting them in his iced coffee. I need to clean the car out because it's scheduled to go in to get some work done, but I can't do it. Not yet. I may ask his aunt and uncle to help with it - they were with us every step of the way yesterday.
I just miss him so much. I miss all the amazing times we had not that long ago. I know I need to go to sleep - i'm exhausted after this weekend. But going into bed is so hard. It doesn't help to stay at a friend's either - it's not having him next to me that's so hard. We haven't had even one night apart in over 6 months. Until this weekend anyway. I can't even watch tv because all the shows that are on we watched together.
We got a puppy about two months ago. I'm so glad we did - at least I have some company and a warm body, however small, to lay in bed with.
Thank you again. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and your support means the world to me.
I opened up his car today to get some things that his work needed. I found 6 nips in the back seat from Friday. He was putting them in his iced coffee. I need to clean the car out because it's scheduled to go in to get some work done, but I can't do it. Not yet. I may ask his aunt and uncle to help with it - they were with us every step of the way yesterday.
I just miss him so much. I miss all the amazing times we had not that long ago. I know I need to go to sleep - i'm exhausted after this weekend. But going into bed is so hard. It doesn't help to stay at a friend's either - it's not having him next to me that's so hard. We haven't had even one night apart in over 6 months. Until this weekend anyway. I can't even watch tv because all the shows that are on we watched together.
We got a puppy about two months ago. I'm so glad we did - at least I have some company and a warm body, however small, to lay in bed with.
Thank you again. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and your support means the world to me.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
When you go to the AlAnon mtg. see if they have the handout about DETACHMENT
It is recommended that you go to at least 6 mtgs. to see if it is right for you before you give up. Working the 12 steps myself has been the single best thing to change my life and improve it. That is fantastic that you were able to get him into treatment. Don't second guess yourself.
It is recommended that you go to at least 6 mtgs. to see if it is right for you before you give up. Working the 12 steps myself has been the single best thing to change my life and improve it. That is fantastic that you were able to get him into treatment. Don't second guess yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
I know - I'm trying not to. I know what the alternatives could be - restraining orders, domestic issues on his record forever (he didn't hit me - lots of verbal abuse and threatening when he was high), prison... or I could be planning his funeral right now instead of crying over his laundry that needs to be washed but is too hard to look at.
But then I think about how he looked like he was about to lose it, to break down and cry in that courtroom - with ankle chains and handcuffs, listening to the court psychologist read MY testimony about how out of control he had gotten. I wish I could take away all of his pain. I just hope someday he sees that - hopefully sooner than later.
But then I think about how he looked like he was about to lose it, to break down and cry in that courtroom - with ankle chains and handcuffs, listening to the court psychologist read MY testimony about how out of control he had gotten. I wish I could take away all of his pain. I just hope someday he sees that - hopefully sooner than later.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by Newcomer... 
I know - I'm trying not to. I know what the alternatives could be - restraining orders, domestic issues on his record forever (he didn't hit me - lots of verbal abuse and threatening when he was high), prison... or I could be planning his funeral right now instead of crying over his laundry that needs to be washed but is too hard to look at.
But then I think about how he looked like he was about to lose it, to break down and cry in that courtroom - with ankle chains and handcuffs, listening to the court psychologist read MY testimony about how out of control he had gotten. I wish I could take away all of his pain. I just hope someday he sees that - hopefully sooner than later.
But then I think about how he looked like he was about to lose it, to break down and cry in that courtroom - with ankle chains and handcuffs, listening to the court psychologist read MY testimony about how out of control he had gotten. I wish I could take away all of his pain. I just hope someday he sees that - hopefully sooner than later.
I prayed everynight when I was being verbally abused everyday that mine would see how much I loved him and would do anything I could to support him in his soberity-at the time as I was going to Al-Anon every week at the time and my counselor-so I knew the part that I played and was willing to do what i needed for me-at the time be there for him in a way that I could without getting involved in what he needed to do for himself! That BACK FIRED on me more than once and it was when my head started to spin on the roller-coaster that i had to jump off and get out!
It is sad that they do not and will not see how much we love-they do not love themselves enough and until they do....there is nothing you can do but do for YOURSELF!
Read some stickies there is great stuff and great people here with more wiser advice! Welcome glad you are here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you. I hope this happened before he got to the point where things were too damaged for him to come home. Fortunately for me - it was not a daily occurrence, though I fear it was rapidly becoming that. Up until the past few weeks, more often than not we had a nice dinner and sat down and watched TV for a few hours before bed. And it was only this weekend that I truly feared for his safety - and his life. He also is very reasonable and easy to talk to when sober - so I hope once he's detoxed and clear headed he's able to get past what I did to him and see that I love him. Things just got out of control recently, and I hope he can see that.
Thanks again
Thanks again
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