qbeepa

I am the mother of a 23 AS. It is so hard to find people to talk with and understand all the emotions I am feeling. What I want is honesty but friends seem to say what they think I want to hear. I have read in these posts about guilt and how that is my problem. But as a parent, it has to be the hardest thing about having an addicted child. My partner has tried to help me deal with this and I sometimes take it out on her and close up or I feel like I am torn between the two of them. I'm sure I need counseling for all this. Right now I have just been reading to see how other mothers cope. The worrying and the guilt never seem to end.
He is no longer allowed to stay here and I won't give him a penny.
I am trying to detach, but some nights are just so hard. My partner has told me he is a man and not my little boy anymore. He does not work and I have no idea if he's using.
I feel I am not giving him the support he needs. That is one of my biggest issues. Where does it end.
He went to rehab in December and I let him live with me for 2 months. He went to meetings at first then stopped going. He never got a job. He had to move out.
He called me one night in February begging for money, crying etc. I refused. He then asked for a ride. I refused. I knew he would manipulate me into giving in.
He then went to rehab for a week. Left early. He is homeless. I am okay until I see him again.
Yes. I have stuck to my guns, but sometimes I am so filled with doubt. I just need support to know I am doing the right thing.

cookconfay

I only hit my bottom when everyone, everywhere except those in recovery shut the door on me! It will take what it takes and you, in my opinion, are doing the right thing. I realize how hard it must be, I now know the pain I put all my family through!!! But the good new is, as long as he is breathing, there is hope! When he gets sick enough of the crap, he may become willing. Maybe by doing what you are doing, he will get tired of it sooner?

marle

After trying everything to help my 21 year old AD, I finally admitted that I am powerless over her addiction. I know it is hard not knowing what is happening with your child. I have not seen my daughter since March 7 and only know that she is still alive through a couple of text messages. I absolutely know that I am doing the right thing by not helping her. Her addiction progressed whether I was in her life or not. The only difference has been me. I do not want to live with someone who is in active addiction. I do not want a front row seat to her destruction. I want to be happy. I want to live the life that God has given to me. It is not easy, but all the worry and sleepless nights will not change what is going to happen to your son. The only person who can change his future is him. My daughter was an only child, very much wanted and loved. She was beautiful, smart, had everything going for her. Yes she had the usual pains in life, but she chose to take what she thought was the easy way out. I am sure it has proven more painful than even she could have imagined. I no longer hold any guilt. I found that guilt played right into my daughter's hands. I welcome you here and send you some mom hugs. More moms will be along to welcome you here. Hugs, Marle

notsleepingwell

(((qbeepa)))

Welcome to SR!!!! Sorry you have to find yourself here, but you will find many mom's here. My addict is my 30 year old daughter. She also was homeless, but we are taking baby steps through methadone.

The guilt is something I think as mom's we have. I, at least, can't shake it. I guess, we just think we're sooooo powerful, it must be our fault...lol. But logically, there were many things I did in my life that my parents never knew, or were responsible for. Just wish my heart would understand what my mind accepts to be true!

Read the sticky's at the top of the forum. Remember the 3 C's

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and unfortunately
You can't cure it

Glad you found us...pull up a chair....lots of us here, we walk this road together.
NSW

BigSis

We talk on here sometimes of "normies" and "earth people". They don't get it... almost never.

"Just put down the drink, stupid" doesn't work... if it did, there would not be this board, any 12-step program, or our jails and prisons and graveyards filled to the top with addicts and alcoholics.

My addicted children are no longer children - I "get" that. But they will ALWAYS be my kids... and I think those without kids especially have trouble with that concept.

No, I don't need to "care for" my kids any longer.... but I do far more for them than I do for friends, neighbors or strangers. Just as my mom does more for me and my sibs than for friends, neighbors or strangers.

And I do some things for them "even tho" they are addicts.

For example - I feed my kids. I may not give them money for food. I recognize that by feeding them, that frees up money for drugs. And I do it anyway. Because in my family, we do that.

So do what you can live with.

And maybe find some Alanon meetings to find others who understand... REALLY understand.


(((hugs)))

caileesnana

Hi and welcome. I have a 23 yo daughter who is currently in rehab, again. Being the mother of a child like ours is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am only now, with the help of this board, believing that it wasn't my fault, but her choices. I can blame, shame, cry, and scream and she will do what she wants! I, like Marle and others, decided not to be part of it. I can't watch her destroy herself, it hurts too bad and I don't deserve that! I didn't speak or know if she was dead/alive for 4 months last year. Then she was in/out, and in Feburary I told her no more. Call me when you want help which is a ride to rehab. She finally called on May 22--right in the middle of Law & Order SVU! She was "scared to die" and wanted help, finally. I told her I'd come pick her up and honk once, I wouldn't wait. She came out carrying to small plastic bags of stinky "clothes" (crap she would have never worn before drugs--her bows and shoes had to match the outfit) Anyway, my point in this...there is hope, even when we don't feel we have any left. We love them, they are ours, they are part of us. I don't like what she has done, but I love her. I am still learning what to do and not do, but at least I think it through now because I know what will enable her and ultimatley make her worse. Sorry for taking so long, I don't want you to feel alone. You are in the right place.
susan
"Faith, hope and love...and the greatest of these is love."

Nitelite

(((hugs))) Very, very hard....
It just goes against the grain to think we would be powerless over our own kids. These are the same kids we always told what to do - look both ways, wach behind your ears, do your homework- controlling kids, and that usually meant keeping them safe from the cars, the germs, etc., just seems to be part of the whole mom job description.

I have a 22-yr-old AS, and every day i have to remind myself, all over again: He is on his own journey. That journey may yet take him out of my house....

Several years back, I was going to tell my brother to leave my house. he was drinking. no job, no car, money, etc. My mom said she was going to be there with me when i told him. It would have been the only time in his life that my mom would have told him he drank too much. Instead, she didn;t show; gave him money, a car, a place to crash.
When nothing changes, nothing changes.
I always wonder if she had only been strong enough to somehow tell him he needed help — and that even his mother was not going to put up with his drinking - whether it might have made a difference.

I don't dwell on it. But I do know a mother's strength sends a message to her children, even when they are too addled by the sound of their own quacking to fully understand it. Maybe that comes later.

You are doing incredibly hard things here. Good things, too. Counseling helps (if it is someone with experience dealing with substance and codie stuff) and Al-Anon is a lifesaver....you can find meetings online...

keep coming back!

CatsPajamas

Welcome. You've come to the right place, and trust me, you're surrounded by friends who totally understand. Earth People, as BigSis said, seldom understand like we do- because we've been there.

One of the first things I learned was that I needed to get OUT of the way so my son could learn his own life lessons. He is on his own journey, and I need to allow him the dignity to make his own choices and experience the joy of his own consequences.

That goes against my mom nature... god gave my sons to me to raise and to protect and to love. That was always a crystal clear message. The murkier message is when to step back and let them live their own lives without my "help". I never found that section in the Codie Mom Handbook....

My friend Mooselips will often quote Jon, who founded SR... when she first got here, Jon told her she could actually enable her son to death!

Again, welcome. We understand. If you haven't had a chance to cruise around the boards, I recommend you do so. There are some great "stickies" at the top of each forum with some classic threads and helpful information.

We are here 24/7.

Hugs from mom to mom...
Cats

greeteachday

Hi - wanted to add my welcome. Another mom here. There's lots of great suggestions and shared experiences here. I too learned that "normal" people couldn't possibly understand what I was experiencing. I've found coming here and going to Naranon meetings were the best ways for me to start to heal. The best ways for me to truly understand that what I was doing was right for my child and for me. It really does get better if you work on you...whether your child seeks recovery or not. Hugs.

Lobo

qbeepa, Welcome.......There is a lot of support here. A lot of moms that will listen to you and understand what you are going through. I have a 26 yr. old daughter who has abused drugs for 6 yrs. Right now she is doing pretty well. She told me today that she just couldn't take the life that she was living........she said it is just too hard. She has been in and out of rehab a couple of times. This last time I finally let go and told her her life is hers to live anyway she choses to live it. I told her I didn't own her and if she wanted to run her life into the ground, I wasn't going down with her. I have managed to live my life reasonbly sane in spite of it all. She has seen the changes in me and has told me so. She decided to detox herself and has managed to keep herself clean for quite some time now. She really seems to want to change. Of course I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess we all have that fear. I still keep my boundries and live my life the way I want to. I will no longer be a part of the drama and dysfunction. Since she has been clean she hasn't had any drama. I pray a lot, and we pray for each other here also.

Hugs and prayers for you and your son.............Lo