cookconfay

My abf acted differently last Wed night, Fri night and Sat night. I felt compelled to ask if he had been drinking, of course he denied it. I am in recovery, 10 yrs in August. I don't do well at all in relationships. This is one that has resurfaced after being off & on for about 28 years. The last time before a couple of months ago was 12 yrs ago. Anyway. . .I want to hear from someone else who has gotten that gut feeling. I have been told to listen to it, it's been right before, I've been told it's God giving me that intuitive thought. So I question and doubt and wonder if I should even be in the dang relationship at all, but mostly I guess I wonder if my own insecurities and whacked thinking could cause me these feelings???? I have worked steps, I have a sponsor, I also seek outside help! My end is always the same, horrible, heartwrenching and I am miserable. Then I go on to tell myself I am supposed to just stay alone. After the last relationship, marriage ended in a divorce over 3 1/2 years ago, I had NOTHING to do with anyone, men I mean. I am sure I am codependent, I've read the books, I've read women who love too much and lots of books, I sure am glad drinking & using is not an option, I at least do know NONE of them have been worth dying over!!!! Thanks for listening.

MsGolightly

i have found that my gut is right on target 99% of the time...

if i was you, though, i would be questioning why it is that i'm questioning myself or acting this way in this situation... it seems like you have some trust issues with him, and i'd wonder why that is, and how and if it's ever going to change. the problem is, i guess we never really know what's going on in someone else's head, no matter what they say.

parentrecovers

it's hard to trust people who have not been trustworthy in the past.

you going to alanon or naranon?

let go and let god, k

cookconfay

I do have trust issues, period. My ex lied and cheated on me and moved in with his girlfriend, a week later I found out I was pregnant! Let me explain a little about this bf & my past. We were together living together and otherwise off & on for over 28 years. Most of it was together doing all the partying things. Some was even done in a long distance relationship. He's a ladies man, charmer, romantic, has all the right things to say, a drinker. In my mind and heart I always hoped and wanted this to be the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. BUT. . .problems in our past, my insecurities not believing he was faithful if he was and me being sober and him not the last time was what caused the end. NOW, he has stopped the whiskey at least he says, he says he'll have a beer every now & then???? He got really into the church deal a few years ago and yes I can see for real some changes, his attitude, his outlook and lots of things are different. Then of course, to get back together with him after so long and after so long without anyone, it's really nice and for some reason I didn't feel the nagging to not trust him. He had actions to match his words. He has expressed to me he wants to be married to me and spend the rest of his life with me. Of course, I was elated, music to my ears. Then when he talked a little different and looked a little different my first reaction was ( to myself ). . . I think he's been drinking. Well I know I can't MAKE anyone stop, I have no control over that, no one could make me stop either. I dont' know where I am going, I have tried and worked on trust, I just feel so insane in relationships.

cookconfay

parentrecovers it's hard to trust people who have not been trustworthy in the past.

you going to alanon or naranon?

let go and let god, k



Yes to parentrecovers. . .only I am in the other room, AA, 10 years in August.

parentrecovers

oh, congrats on all your aa time! i know there's several folks in my alanon group who go to both.

cookconfay

I've done a couple of al anon meetings in the past, but seems I can only work one program. I've struggled with it before, I mean don't know how to separate my issues with alcohol except I have them. It has affected me since I was a child, alcoholic mom, whole family and very extended family is shot through with it. I qualify for every stinkin program there is just about, co dependent, adult child, smoker, over eater, relationships, alchoholic, drug addict, child of divorce, I have been divorced more than a couple times. I know the bottom line. . . MY PICKER IS BROKE!!!!! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST. . . . . .THE PROBLEM CENTERS IN MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!

prodigal

I know what you mean. My problems frequently spring out of my "stinkin' thinkin'." Perhaps you're selling yourself short when you think you can only work one problem. Lots of A's I know are also in Al-anon. I don't think I'm "bad" at relationships, I just think I make poor choices based upon my codependency. Maybe it just boils down to your choices. Trust your gut instincts. If he's been drinking, it's better if you step aside even though you truly want him to be the man in your life.

Sigh. We codies so want things to work out for the best and oftentimes they just don't. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe right now isn't the right time for you to be involved in a relationship, but don't rule out never having one again. What does your sponsor have to say about this?

cookconfay

Well of course everyone including her say. . .take it easy and take it slow, yeah right, we just went full force head first and perhaps it is my age, my length of time without any male companionship, maybe cuz it's him, I don't know. I am waiting to call her today after work. That's another reason that I'm glad I found this place, I'm at work , but can't call her at work. ARGHHHHHHHHHH

minnie

My gut feeling is my experience and "best self" talking to me. When I can hear THAT voice instead of my the chatterbox, then I know I am on the right track.

I am interested in why you say you can only work one programme.I have found that recovery principles carry me through every situation I have come across. (I am not a 12 Stepper, but I do think that many recovery messages are universal, albeit phrased in different language). Perhaps a 4th Step might shed some light? Even getting ahold of the Al-anon 4th Step workbook "Blueprint for Progress" might help.

cookconfay

I'll see what my sponsor suggests, I know she's all for al-anon and I've had sponsors in the past that were too. Only had one that really didn't want me going to al anon too, that AA was enough for me. I am willing to do ANYTHING to get out of and over this crazy crap!!! Why I can't leave well enough alone is by me. Crisis junkie!!!

minnie

I had to look long and hard as to why I wanted drama in my life. I figured it out with a counsellor, but I believe doing a rigorous 4th Step would serve the same purpose. (BTW, I believe that the Al-anon 4th Step workbook beats the pants off the AA 4 Column Method, but that's just me.)

What have you got to lose?

cookconfay

Thanks, I'll check into it. I've got stuff right now written down I need to get rid of sort of a mini 4th, done lots of them in the past, Took me 20 yrs to get this 10 but I've been clean & sober in the last 15 yrs more than not, had a year a couple of times and then 3 yrs 4 1/2 months out for 3 months then 8/23/97 is my latest date. I'm not a slow learner just a fast forgetter!!!!!!!