im sad and very depressed and lonely
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
im sad and very depressed and lonely
I know to all of you i am seeming strong.. i feel like i am just going through the motions.. i dont feel strong...im just trying to do whats right for my kids.
Im afraid my ah is going to fight and fight and make false accusations about me and its going to be such a mess.....
Im scared about going to court on thursday. last time my sister came with me, this time i dont have anyone to go with me.
Im sad because it has come to this...i just wish things could have been different. I wish he could just get some help and come to terms with his problems.
Im depressed because I feel bad for my kids..they deserve a happy childhood with a mom and dad that ehy can count on, in a house full of love and support.
Im also depressed because of how my life is turning out...i guess i am feeling a little self pity...but I am also sad about how i have to let go of the "dream" of what my life should have been with this man....we could have had a wonderful life...he has a good job, we have a nice house, beautiful daughters.....its such a shame.
what helped you if you were in a position similar to mine...what helped you get through? any good books that you read...anything besides going to meetings, like other support groups...(Dom. Viol., women groups)...i have a good therapist, i know i need to get to face to face meetings, and that will happen next week when i start my new work schedule.....anything else you can think of?? im so depressed i dont even feel like doing anythign just for me...i.e. go for a pedicure......
thanks.
Im scared because i dont know how im going to do everything on my own...and handle everything...i wish i had family to help me.
Im afraid my ah is going to fight and fight and make false accusations about me and its going to be such a mess.....
Im scared about going to court on thursday. last time my sister came with me, this time i dont have anyone to go with me.
Im sad because it has come to this...i just wish things could have been different. I wish he could just get some help and come to terms with his problems.
Im depressed because I feel bad for my kids..they deserve a happy childhood with a mom and dad that ehy can count on, in a house full of love and support.
Im also depressed because of how my life is turning out...i guess i am feeling a little self pity...but I am also sad about how i have to let go of the "dream" of what my life should have been with this man....we could have had a wonderful life...he has a good job, we have a nice house, beautiful daughters.....its such a shame.
what helped you if you were in a position similar to mine...what helped you get through? any good books that you read...anything besides going to meetings, like other support groups...(Dom. Viol., women groups)...i have a good therapist, i know i need to get to face to face meetings, and that will happen next week when i start my new work schedule.....anything else you can think of?? im so depressed i dont even feel like doing anythign just for me...i.e. go for a pedicure......
thanks.
Im scared because i dont know how im going to do everything on my own...and handle everything...i wish i had family to help me.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i just try to take it one day at a time. when i break down into smaller "chunks", it gets easier for me to process.
a good couple of hours of gardening or a long walk helps too - just to take my mind off things..
blessings, k
a good couple of hours of gardening or a long walk helps too - just to take my mind off things..
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Hang in there girl. Iv'e been there, and I can promise you this, Tomorrow is a whole other day and they go up, and they go down. Each down day I had I discovered a little more about "Myself" rather than AH. These feelings are normal, yes it does suck watching your dreams get flushed down the toilette but your a strong woman for doing what you are doing. Who know's.. maybe he will go in recovery and a year from now he will be a totally different man. Who know's. Just think about the moment that you are in for now, and do something great with your wonderful kids!
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Drainedwife))
Praying that your HP will send the support network that you need to help you thru this difficult time.
Yes, in a perfect world it would be great if our kids could live in that home with a healthy Mom & Dad, but since this world is affect by this awful disease, we can make a happy home with the situation we are given.
You have a right to grieve the losses you are feeling, work thru those emotions, the stages of grief and then remember - You have come so far, You have accomplished so much more than what you ever thought you could - One Day at a Time, One Hour at a Time, One Task at a Time - Breathe, Just Breathe.
Praying that you will feel the reassurance from your HP that no matter what you and your HP will be ok - even better than OK.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Praying that your HP will send the support network that you need to help you thru this difficult time.
Yes, in a perfect world it would be great if our kids could live in that home with a healthy Mom & Dad, but since this world is affect by this awful disease, we can make a happy home with the situation we are given.
You have a right to grieve the losses you are feeling, work thru those emotions, the stages of grief and then remember - You have come so far, You have accomplished so much more than what you ever thought you could - One Day at a Time, One Hour at a Time, One Task at a Time - Breathe, Just Breathe.
Praying that you will feel the reassurance from your HP that no matter what you and your HP will be ok - even better than OK.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Normal feelings. Let your self feel them w/o acting on them and then stay in today. Waht happens Thursday happens Thursday. Today is not Thursday.
If the world were perfect I would still be on my farm, my husband would not have been an alcloholic or mentally ill, he would love me and I him forever, and he would still be alive.
The world is not perfect. I am not perfect. He is dead and someone else owns the farm. Life goes ON.
Being strong means feeling your feelings and grieving your loss.. even if the loss is the perfect life you nevr had with another person.
You ARE in for a tough fight. Face it and take care of your kids. Kids whose parents are abusive or addicted and who are constantly exposed to all that often become abusers and addicts themselves.
What your kids deserve is peace and love away from that. So do you.
If the world were perfect I would still be on my farm, my husband would not have been an alcloholic or mentally ill, he would love me and I him forever, and he would still be alive.
The world is not perfect. I am not perfect. He is dead and someone else owns the farm. Life goes ON.
Being strong means feeling your feelings and grieving your loss.. even if the loss is the perfect life you nevr had with another person.
You ARE in for a tough fight. Face it and take care of your kids. Kids whose parents are abusive or addicted and who are constantly exposed to all that often become abusers and addicts themselves.
What your kids deserve is peace and love away from that. So do you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
baby steps.he has to prove things in court.how could u lose to an addict? things will fall in place.good things are worth waiting for & working for.you can give your kids everything that u wished u & your husband could give together,that he is not willing to.you can make the happy home, you can give them stability, & most of all love & tender care.prayers, hope
p.s. try reading a good book, call a friend, make a day/nite for just you & the kids.hugs,
p.s. try reading a good book, call a friend, make a day/nite for just you & the kids.hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Finding Myself
Posts: 91
Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. I can remember feeling so overwhelmed I could hardly breathe. There were days when I would literally have to take even the smallest tasks one by one...get out of bed, brush my teeth, take a shower, get dressed....it felt like I was living in a dense fog and it was all I could do to get through each minute. It's horrible I know, but it's normal.
You are grieving. You have experienced a loss, just like a death. You are mourning the loss of your dreams of a perfect life with the perfect husband. Let yourself grieve, it will help. Try and find some support as fast as you can.
You are going to be OK. Just take things slowly and work to get through each day hour by hour. Things will get better, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but they really will. Never forget that we are all here for you whenever you need a pick me up.
You are grieving. You have experienced a loss, just like a death. You are mourning the loss of your dreams of a perfect life with the perfect husband. Let yourself grieve, it will help. Try and find some support as fast as you can.
You are going to be OK. Just take things slowly and work to get through each day hour by hour. Things will get better, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but they really will. Never forget that we are all here for you whenever you need a pick me up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
thanks. today he is trying a different approach--to be nice...he left a voice mail on my cell--i know, i shouldnt be reading it..but he said that he was thinking and he said he was looking at it if the shoe was on the other foot, and he realizes how scared i must have been and that he is sorry, he will never hurt me again, but if i want to get back together can i please call him for 5 minutes....
it may be a ploy to get me to call him and then i would be violating the RO and i wouldnt be ale to get it permanant...
one day he tries threats, the next he tries being nice...doesnt he realize how irratic that is??? what am i saying, of course he doesnt. he is desperate...why is it so important for him to get in the house??? why cant he just stay in our rental house until it sells???
it may be a ploy to get me to call him and then i would be violating the RO and i wouldnt be ale to get it permanant...
one day he tries threats, the next he tries being nice...doesnt he realize how irratic that is??? what am i saying, of course he doesnt. he is desperate...why is it so important for him to get in the house??? why cant he just stay in our rental house until it sells???
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
one day he tries threats, the next he tries being nice...doesnt he realize how irratic that is??? what am i saying, of course he doesnt. he is desperate...why is it so important for him to get in the house??? why cant he just stay in our rental house until it sells???
Don't let him back in the house! It's important that he gets back in because (and I learned the hard way) when you leave the house, it's usually awarded to the one who remains there...........there's usually no fight.
I've been through those lonely and depressed times. Hang in there sweetpea. You've been given some excellent love, support and advice above. "This too shall pass".
You can make it. I'm not saying it's going to be a cake walk, but you can do it. I did it and many others just like me have as well. We are no better or stronger than you are. We were just determined. You have to get determined and tell yourself, "This is what I need to do and this is what I will do". Have the faith in yourself that we have in you. You'll be ok.
Besides..........you have us.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
The saddest days of my life was when I divorced my ex and father of my child 20 yrs ago. Sad to know my son's nuclear family was not to be. Unfortunately, some of the lawyers screwed me even more than the ex. So sad for you and the children. I got through it and have had a wonderful life. I am now married to a fantastic man. Did my son suffer,yes. Would I do things differently as a single mom, yes. Life will go on and you will and the kids will have a wonderful life. You just have to have trust and hope.It sounds like you have some insight into recovery to make the situation the best you can for the kids so the cylce of addiction and abuse doesn't repeat.helping the kids to learn to express themselves during this tough time would be benificial. I tried to pretend things were normal for my child. In hindsight I wish my son and I had gotten some family counseling
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. stay into day .. this moment .. minute by minute .. hour by hour ...day by day .. one step at a time and you'll get through it (I know easier said then done) but none the less true.
Just breath - Hugs,
Passion
Just breath - Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
(((DrainedWife))),
I understand all the heartache you are going through right now. I just wanted to share that for the past few months I have been doing a technique called EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques. I started to do it when I was feeling alot of anxiety about my ABF. When those feelings came up I would tap on them and I started feeling better. Now I am more able to stay focused on what I need to do for myself.
It works for colds too.
I had a cold that just wasn't getting any better ALL last week, so I started tapping on it Sunday night. Slept really well without taking any cough medicine. A little bit of a cough started when I woke up Monday. So I tapped on it. It's Tuesday, no coughing and no cold medicine since Sunday! I feel really good actually.
It's free and the website is www.emofree.com
Hugs,
Lithloren
I understand all the heartache you are going through right now. I just wanted to share that for the past few months I have been doing a technique called EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques. I started to do it when I was feeling alot of anxiety about my ABF. When those feelings came up I would tap on them and I started feeling better. Now I am more able to stay focused on what I need to do for myself.
It works for colds too.
I had a cold that just wasn't getting any better ALL last week, so I started tapping on it Sunday night. Slept really well without taking any cough medicine. A little bit of a cough started when I woke up Monday. So I tapped on it. It's Tuesday, no coughing and no cold medicine since Sunday! I feel really good actually.It's free and the website is www.emofree.com
Hugs,
Lithloren
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by drainedwife
Im scared because i dont know how im going to do everything on my own...and handle everything...i wish i had family to help me.
Let me tell you, it's not as scarey as you think. I left an extremely abusive husband, had two little children, and didn't have one single family member to help me. I didn't get any child support either! This just made me all the more resourseful! You can do it. I wound up with a college degree too. There's so much help for single moms if you start looking for it.
I know you're sad, but it won't last forever. Just believe that.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Drained,
Best thing I can think of is the saying of "stay in today". Look where your feet are and get your head there. You can get overwhelmed with all the "what if's" of months and years down the road. Often we worry about stuff that never happens and lose the goodness in today.
So if you can, like Anvil said, get the focus back on you. What would make you feel better today? Treat yourself, even if it's a tiny treat. And please try to get to those face to face meetings ASAP. There's great support in real life people.
Hang in there, drained. You never know what wonderful surprise your HP can bring from this. You have to turn it over to your HP and know that he's in control.
Big hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. Where are you in Jax? Southside, northside? I have friends there.
Best thing I can think of is the saying of "stay in today". Look where your feet are and get your head there. You can get overwhelmed with all the "what if's" of months and years down the road. Often we worry about stuff that never happens and lose the goodness in today.
So if you can, like Anvil said, get the focus back on you. What would make you feel better today? Treat yourself, even if it's a tiny treat. And please try to get to those face to face meetings ASAP. There's great support in real life people.
Hang in there, drained. You never know what wonderful surprise your HP can bring from this. You have to turn it over to your HP and know that he's in control.
Big hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. Where are you in Jax? Southside, northside? I have friends there.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by drainedwife
one day he tries threats, the next he tries being nice...doesnt he realize how irratic that is??? what am i saying, of course he doesnt. he is desperate...why is it so important for him to get in the house??? why cant he just stay in our rental house until it sells???
I'm sorry your feeling so bad....(((((hugs))))
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Great advice ahead of me! It’s not easy but you have inner strength that you don’t even know you have – have faith.
You can do this; you have the good reasons to do so. Hang tough and don’t give up YOUR boundaries. Don’t fall for his tricks; you know that won’t lead you anywhere. Stand firm and know that a decent life for you and your kids. Don’t feel bad for them, they are resilient and will bounce back as long as they know they are loved. Sticking up for you and them will also show them that they are.
Lots of hugs!
You can do this; you have the good reasons to do so. Hang tough and don’t give up YOUR boundaries. Don’t fall for his tricks; you know that won’t lead you anywhere. Stand firm and know that a decent life for you and your kids. Don’t feel bad for them, they are resilient and will bounce back as long as they know they are loved. Sticking up for you and them will also show them that they are.
Lots of hugs!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
DrainedWife,
I just wanted to let you know that I care too. I'm dealing with an alcoholic/addict son, so I know that it's alot different. I just wanted to send you my support and understanding. I've had all of those feelings about, why couldn't our life just be normal, too. We certainly had all of the ingredients for a wonderful family life, but it didn't work out like that. It is so sad, but you will make it and you'll be alright and actually happy again after some time.
I always think of this woman who I know that is 60 now and she didn't have any college education so that she can't have a very good paying job. Her husband of many years died and one of her sons is an addict. He got a girl pregnant and to make a long story short, she was surprised to be the one that had to pick the newborn baby up from the hospital when it was released and take it home to adopt and raise. No husband, no money, alone with a new baby to raise at her age. Wow. She's doing it though. It's a struggle most of the time, but the baby is nearly 2 now and such a joy !! I don't know how she does it, so I always think about the fact that if she can do this under these circumstances and still be happy, then I'm doing just fine and things could always be so much worse. I believe that you will be doing great and you'll get better and better as you have the time and space to have a more stable environment and to heal.
(((((((((((((((((Thinking of You Hugs)))))))))))))))))
I just wanted to let you know that I care too. I'm dealing with an alcoholic/addict son, so I know that it's alot different. I just wanted to send you my support and understanding. I've had all of those feelings about, why couldn't our life just be normal, too. We certainly had all of the ingredients for a wonderful family life, but it didn't work out like that. It is so sad, but you will make it and you'll be alright and actually happy again after some time.
I always think of this woman who I know that is 60 now and she didn't have any college education so that she can't have a very good paying job. Her husband of many years died and one of her sons is an addict. He got a girl pregnant and to make a long story short, she was surprised to be the one that had to pick the newborn baby up from the hospital when it was released and take it home to adopt and raise. No husband, no money, alone with a new baby to raise at her age. Wow. She's doing it though. It's a struggle most of the time, but the baby is nearly 2 now and such a joy !! I don't know how she does it, so I always think about the fact that if she can do this under these circumstances and still be happy, then I'm doing just fine and things could always be so much worse. I believe that you will be doing great and you'll get better and better as you have the time and space to have a more stable environment and to heal.
(((((((((((((((((Thinking of You Hugs)))))))))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
thanks everyone for your kind words and support....
my ah seems to have a hold over me that I cannot shake... ive been with him 1/2 my life, he was my first real bf, my first love....
i want so bad for him just to get some help...his denial must be so strong for this not to be his bottom....he is standing to loose his family here, and he just doesnt seem to see the real cause of it. I dont know why he thinks having secrets in a marriage is ok..he always felt that he was "sacrificing his own health", he was only dont something to him, and not to anyone else. He once said he was using to get through his job, to be better at it, to make partner....(that of course has changed a thousand times)...he started using because i shopped too much, and wouldnt listen to him so he didnt care anymore...he wanted to spend the money before i did....spend it on drugs???? go buy yourself a set of golf clubs something...
i know it doesnt matter why he started using; he did....he made that choice all by himself.....why he thinks its no big deal is beyond me. he has his won set of rules when it comes to marriage I guess....and he thinks that saying sorry and broken promises after broken promises are ok.....but its not okay.
my ah seems to have a hold over me that I cannot shake... ive been with him 1/2 my life, he was my first real bf, my first love....
i want so bad for him just to get some help...his denial must be so strong for this not to be his bottom....he is standing to loose his family here, and he just doesnt seem to see the real cause of it. I dont know why he thinks having secrets in a marriage is ok..he always felt that he was "sacrificing his own health", he was only dont something to him, and not to anyone else. He once said he was using to get through his job, to be better at it, to make partner....(that of course has changed a thousand times)...he started using because i shopped too much, and wouldnt listen to him so he didnt care anymore...he wanted to spend the money before i did....spend it on drugs???? go buy yourself a set of golf clubs something...
i know it doesnt matter why he started using; he did....he made that choice all by himself.....why he thinks its no big deal is beyond me. he has his won set of rules when it comes to marriage I guess....and he thinks that saying sorry and broken promises after broken promises are ok.....but its not okay.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
