Incredibly Sad About Living In Limbo
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Montreal
Posts: 16
Incredibly Sad About Living In Limbo
It makes me a bit nervous to post again because I know in the end the solution is break up with him, but I'm not ready to let go. So in the meantime, I just need somewhere to air my feelings.
Last night, I wanted to be sexually intimate with my recovering AB. It had been almost a week and I was getting a bit antsy. I should have known something was up because for the last few days, I've been picking up on his uneasiness. In return, his mood was making me feel as if there was some resentment being tossed my way and I didn't know why. The atmosphere between us was making me feel sad and unwanted. Anyways, when I told him about my needs, he replied that he couldn't just perform on command. He liked things to happen more organically without planning. In other words, on his terms.
The silence in the bedroom was deafening, but it was soon broken. He told me that he wasn't enjoying the sex because I was pressuring him too much. He said that wasn't normal because he should be looking forward to us spending intimate time together. He went on to tell me about how he needed to spend more time at his own house and with his son. He needed his own friends and his own interests. I've always encouraged him to do the things he enjoys like golf, but then he doesn't do them. I think a bit of it has to do with him having to make new friends because most of his old ones are alcoholics, heavy drinkers or drug users.
He talked about how we always do what I want to do and that he has no life of his own. He talked about how we've been dating for over half a year, but have never discussed what kind of a commitment we should have. He talked about how he needed to make a decision about things. How maybe we should spend weekends at his place and more time apart and then when we do get together, things would be better.
I rolled with all of this, but I'm at my wit's end now. I love him. I do. I'm constantly on an emotional rollercoaster ride with him, but I love him. I've never felt more myself than with anyone else. And he has such a big heart. We lead unusual lives and because he's only into his 18th month of sobriety, I try to be as patient and understanding with him as I can. He's a one-woman kind of man, but I know he's never been in a relationship where his lover on the side wasn't booze so I try to give him lots of space to grow emotionally and I do see the progress. Sometimes, I can't tell if he's the one who's grown or me, but I do see growth. Except sometimes, I get so tired. He can't say the words, 'I love you' and it breaks my heart. He says he has love for me, but it's beginning to be not be enough.
I want someone who will love me back and grow old with me. I thought he would be the one and part of me still hopes he is, but deep down, I know I'm going to have break free eventually. And just thinking about it wreaks me.
Last night, I wanted to be sexually intimate with my recovering AB. It had been almost a week and I was getting a bit antsy. I should have known something was up because for the last few days, I've been picking up on his uneasiness. In return, his mood was making me feel as if there was some resentment being tossed my way and I didn't know why. The atmosphere between us was making me feel sad and unwanted. Anyways, when I told him about my needs, he replied that he couldn't just perform on command. He liked things to happen more organically without planning. In other words, on his terms.
The silence in the bedroom was deafening, but it was soon broken. He told me that he wasn't enjoying the sex because I was pressuring him too much. He said that wasn't normal because he should be looking forward to us spending intimate time together. He went on to tell me about how he needed to spend more time at his own house and with his son. He needed his own friends and his own interests. I've always encouraged him to do the things he enjoys like golf, but then he doesn't do them. I think a bit of it has to do with him having to make new friends because most of his old ones are alcoholics, heavy drinkers or drug users.
He talked about how we always do what I want to do and that he has no life of his own. He talked about how we've been dating for over half a year, but have never discussed what kind of a commitment we should have. He talked about how he needed to make a decision about things. How maybe we should spend weekends at his place and more time apart and then when we do get together, things would be better.
I rolled with all of this, but I'm at my wit's end now. I love him. I do. I'm constantly on an emotional rollercoaster ride with him, but I love him. I've never felt more myself than with anyone else. And he has such a big heart. We lead unusual lives and because he's only into his 18th month of sobriety, I try to be as patient and understanding with him as I can. He's a one-woman kind of man, but I know he's never been in a relationship where his lover on the side wasn't booze so I try to give him lots of space to grow emotionally and I do see the progress. Sometimes, I can't tell if he's the one who's grown or me, but I do see growth. Except sometimes, I get so tired. He can't say the words, 'I love you' and it breaks my heart. He says he has love for me, but it's beginning to be not be enough.
I want someone who will love me back and grow old with me. I thought he would be the one and part of me still hopes he is, but deep down, I know I'm going to have break free eventually. And just thinking about it wreaks me.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I'm going through a similar situation and we took a 2 week break and are now trying to work on things, it's difficult i know, but i went to AA and Al Anon to understand better. I feel it does help. Hang in there, and do what i didn't do and should have, focus on you.
Take care.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Hemmingway's D 
He told me that he wasn't enjoying the sex because I was pressuring him too much. He said that wasn't normal because he should be looking forward to us spending intimate time together. He went on to tell me about how he needed to spend more time at his own house and with his son. He needed his own friends and his own interests. I've always encouraged him to do the things he enjoys like golf, but then he doesn't do them. I think a bit of it has to do with him having to make new friends because most of his old ones are alcoholics, heavy drinkers or drug users.
He talked about how we always do what I want to do and that he has no life of his own. He talked about how we've been dating for over half a year, but have never discussed what kind of a commitment we should have. He talked about how he needed to make a decision about things. How maybe we should spend weekends at his place and more time apart and then when we do get together, things would be better.
He talked about how we always do what I want to do and that he has no life of his own. He talked about how we've been dating for over half a year, but have never discussed what kind of a commitment we should have. He talked about how he needed to make a decision about things. How maybe we should spend weekends at his place and more time apart and then when we do get together, things would be better.
Take care. ((()))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
my ex started to say the same kinds of things and did eventually pull away... and resumed drinking.
i know where you're at, and i know how painful it is. it doesn't help to think what's meant to be will be, and i wish there was a way we could see into the future to help us decide what we need to do to get where we want to go... letting go is so incredibly hard and painful, and not something i'm good at.
i know where you're at, and i know how painful it is. it doesn't help to think what's meant to be will be, and i wish there was a way we could see into the future to help us decide what we need to do to get where we want to go... letting go is so incredibly hard and painful, and not something i'm good at.
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