drainedwife

my ah sent me a few emails. my sister had sent him a list of things he needs to do in order for me to consider reconciliation. he agreed to all except for being seperated during the time that he forgoes treatment/ therapy until i can see that he is getting better...that his actions are showing me that he is taking this seriously.
He will not agree to that..his stinkin thinkin is saying that to be separted would prove to him and everyone else that we have a loveless marriage...that he has no interest in remaining married to someone who does not want to live with him and who believes he needs help,. but doesnt care enough to be there for him. he says my lack of concern for the kids is incredible. and that i take no responsiblity for the current state of our marriage. he thinkgs by moving back into the house this week, it is the best hing fo rthe kids. if i continue to keep him from his home and children, he will go forward with divorce. also he started threats: he will oppose the RO and seek custody of the house and children. he has allegatoins and defenses which are much more powerful than mine and can be proven. in the event that the court does keep him from our home, he will immediatly file an order to show just cause to have the house put on the market-for financial reasons. he is blaming me for taking his kids away from him, and that he would rather meet someone else and move on. he continues to say i provoked every marital fight and i taunted him in the last fight for 20 minutes until he had to leave...he said when he ran for the front door to escape the torture i thought he was chasing me....unbelieveable lie...he is denying the abuse took place and what about my daughter fighting him to get off of me???

in his final email to me he says maybe we can have a conversation and work out our issues....he also called me and wanted me to call him to talk for 5 minutes..he is probably setting that up so that i will be in contempt of my own RO. and get this--arent' i afraid of our children having disfunctional marriages?? and also he says that he would follow a court order or else he would be in contempt----meaning he would agree to all the other conditions, if he could move back in and have the agreement signed by a judge. funny how he doesnt seem to care that he is contempt 100 times over for the RO. (the other items he is agreeing to are:psychiatric evaluation, abide by the dr's recommendations, (may include dv couseling, substance abuse treatment, etc), random drug testing,sign a HIPPA waivor so that i can speak wtih the dr. , and after tretment is completed follow with ind. counseling and marriage counseling as recommended by dr.

he tried all of the above tactics the week days leading up to the court date last time. he is trying everything and anything to get back into the house..he hates to be alone....

he is bullying me and trying to scare me into dropping the RO.....he is not thinking about his recovery at all....he thinks if he has to go through all that, that i should be by his side, and support him, which i still can even if we arent living together.. the whole is just making me sick already//////

marteen

Sorry! Don't listen to his "quacking" - you cannot talk logic to an addict!

Keep YOUR boundaries in place and don't go against what you feel YOU need 0r you will be very disappointed. Keep the game honest and do what you feel you comfortable with, NOT what he is comfortable with.

As long as he is NOT thinking or doing "recovery", he cannot be trusted to be thinking in the right frame of mind.

MeggieStar

Drained Wife,

I wish you could see yourself thru my eyes. You have come SO FAR in such a short period of time. I am very proud of you.

This isnt easy, nor will everyday be a "strong" day.

You are dead right, your AH is trying to intimidate you into doing his bidding. First he tried wooing you with promises, now he is trying threats. Don't worry, they are worthless and empty. No judge will give him anything of real value. This situation has happened time and time again, threats, saying they have "information" on you that means they will get the house, car, kids, money etc. etc. He says it out of fear because he knows you have the upper hand and his life is suddenly not so comfortable. If he can just come home, he's sure he can manipulate you right back into the same situation as before.

Stay strong. Enforce the No Contact. Keep documentation of every time he breaks the RO. Talk to your lawyer daily. Above all, keep yourself and your children safe. Your AH is getting desperate now that he senses you are serious.

Big Hugs!

kj0975

I'm still confused is/will he go to treatment to really get help for a problem he doesnt have or is he just going to smooth things over and to make u happy. If he doesnt think he has a problem then rehab or anything else will not work. There are still alot of ultimatums in this relationship and how do u think those will work if he backs out of one? I mean he could slip again 5yrs down the road how will u deal with it then? R u going to go to counseling too? I think seperate and marriage counseling would benefit both of u. Sounds like u know what u want I hope it all works out. I would just forward all the e-mails to your attorney and put a block on your e-mail so he cant e-mail u anymore. There r things u can do also to prevent contact yet it seems nothing is being done. Ignore his voicemails ignore his e-mails. IGNORE his quacking. All said with love.

drainedwife

kj90975--im confused too....he doesnt actually think he has a problem most likely. Less likely is that he is afraid if he admits it, i will use it against him in some way, like keep the kids away from him..which is ridiculous..why would i go through all of this if i didnt want him to get the help he needs.
he agrees to do these things because these are the conditions i set in order to perhaps reconcile, should he complete them successfull and he can show me through his actions and behaviors that he is serious abour recovery, and that he is getting better. i cannot be in this realtionship the way things are now, so i am giving him the chance of getting him self better..i am not forcing him to do anything, i am giving him a choice...and maybe once he starts treatment of any kind might sink in....many times people are forced into treatment, i.e. intervention, court order, and once they get there, it can be a real eye opener. i go to conseling now, and i think after he is done with treatment, then we can start marriage counseling. i just wanted to make sure i tried absolutly everything and anything before i gave up...and i thought i would give him one last chance...but of course, it has to be on his terms it seems...living home in the comfort of his family...and he still hasnt admitted to having resposibilty for anything!!!

duet_4-8

dw,
We are so much alike...our marriages are/were so much alike. I can tell you what is true for me. All said with love and respect for you. Take what you can use and forget the rest.

My ex did the same sort of things for about two months after I filed for divorce. For the first time ever, I stuck to my boundaries (I never even knew I was allowed to have them in the first place where he is concerned).

It was not easy nor was it pleasant, especially at first. Undoing 25 years of codie thinking is not an easy thing....One thing that really helped me is a journal I kept for the preceding year with his treatment of me and our children recounted right down to the last ugly detail. (Isn't it amazing how easy we forget the bad things when they throw us a scrap of good?)

He ran all over the place spouting all sorts of trash about me to whoever would listen to him. He played the 'God talk' card big time-the one where divorce is wrong, I am destroying the family, I am hurting the kids, quack quack quack.....he tried to enlist my friends and our adult children in his cause. No dice.

He said he didn't want to live. He said I was ruining his life. He said I had 'taken everything away from him'. He said he could'nt live without our little boy.

When that didn't work he got angry and intimidating. OOPS-true colors shining through!!

I stuck to my plan and for the first time in 25 years I am honestly at peace and content with my life. It's a little unnerving to be on my own after all those years, but the thing that I have discovered is that I was already doing 95% of the hard things anyway. Having to deal with his crap just made everything much much worse.

I really don't know why, but all of a sudden about 5 weeks ago he just started leaving me completely alone. I think it was probably because he thought I would then want him back. Bad gamble on his part because I have found out how wonderful life is away from the chaos and drama. Want him back? NO WAY!!

My other speculation is that he has found that mysterious other woman that he always said would take care of him if I didn't. (I'm sure you know the one.....) More power to her if that is the case. She can have him and his insanity because I am done.

Your ah is doing what an addict/abuser does best. Nothing that you wrote that he said to you has an ounce of recovery in it. He is pulling out the big guns to manipulate you into doing what he wants. That kind of treatment has nothing at all to do with love; control maybe but not healthy love. On the flip side, it seems to me that in giving him ultimatums, you are still trying to hold on to the control you *thought* you had over the situation.

This is where the rubber meets the road in YOUR recovery. Give him his life back and trust your gut. Turn off the ringer on your phone, or better yet change the number. Change your email address. Make NO CONTACT really mean what it says.

It will feel odd at first because you are so trained to focus all your energy on him. You have really got to learn to refocus all that energy back where it belongs-on you and especially on your children.

You have to decide what YOU really want. You have to then do whatever it takes to get there from where you are now. If I can do this, so can you! Don't give up the RO unless YOU want to try again. What he wants/needs/thinks does not matter. It does not matter. It does not matter. (Repeat that until you believe it!)

I'm pulling for you really hard here in Tennessee!

Live

The less you hear from him the better, in my opinion.

I and many others have heard all this before.
With the denial of abuse and his twisted version (been there too)
and his denial of having a problem....

nothing is going to change. But you have....keep on keeping on.
Have mercy...for yourself and your children!

cece1960

I hope things begin to settle for you soon DW.
The stress, and analyzing and contemplating and planning can be harmful to your health. Does it really matter what he "says" anymore?
Why not leave the details to him for a while? He has to do the work, let him figure out what that means. And until work is done, nothing has really changed, right?
In the meantime, how are YOU doing these days?
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Elana

You have come so far DW. You recognize his actions as NOT recovery but MANIPULATION!!!! Yes.. he hates to live alone.. but that is NOT your problem. If he doesn't want to live alone, he best face his problem, the whys of it and how to work recovery for it. Instead he is focusing on trying to control you.

You keep coming here and talking to us rather than talking to him. I did that with XABF.. wrote letters to him here rather than to him... So you keep talking to us and NOT to him. Don't break your RO. Stick to your boundaries and honestly we will listen.

And Gosh Dang.. do what every one here is saying.. take care of YOU and BLOCK his EMAIL when at work! Geeze Loueeze.. you NEED your JOB. don't take his calls there either. Hang up. You can do that. He is not a customer.

Just take car cuz girl you've come a LONG way BABY!
Like you said, you don't ahve to live with him to support his recovery.. and his recovery is his to do and not yours to support anyhow. You have your own recovery to work on.

rose

It is a pattern...tomorrow he might be bending over backwards, might go to a meeting, might go see a drug counselor, he will start grasping at what it takes to manipulate you into bringing him home.

Rose

drainedwife

i just had hoped that this experence would have been his bottom...i had hoped that he would do anything to save his marriage....i had hoped that he would get into treatment and then he would see what i have been trying to tell him all along.

No such luck in this case...he wants what he wants and he wont stop unto he gets it....

someone told me i am my own worst enemy because i am letting him communicate with me..and everytime it upsetes me....again, to be honest with all of you i think i check the emails and voice mail messages in hopes that i will read or hear something that indicates that he does finally get it.....iam still holding on to that dream that everything will work out in the end and our marriage will be stronger than ever.
Boy, i need a slap in the face....i wish i had kept a journal of all the things that has happened over the pas 18 mos.. memories fade very fast...and then looking back, things don "look that bad"....

im not sure how to block emails and if i can do that at work, but i can find out. as for changing or phone number, thats not really fair to me...and because of the kids, he would have to know our number....as for my cell phone, i am on his plan still, so if i were to change that i would have to get my own plan....maybe ill look into it, but turning off the ringer, so i cant get any other calls isnt fair to me either.


thanks for all of yor support once again!!!

Live

I know about that hope, and it dies hard. But I am not seeing one shred of evidence that this hope has any foundation at this time.

When I turn my ringer off, I just look for missed calls and return the ones I want to.

That same hope almost got me killed physically and did kill much in me inside, I was dying one way or another.

BTW....my DV counselor had to remind me of that often.

hope213

to me it sounds like threats.if you do not do this .....quack,quack,quack.stand strong, you are doing so good in your recovery.hugs & prayers, hope

BlvninGod

I'm told if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck - then its a duck. Similar here - lots of old nasty remarks, horrid horrid horrid comments, mean sic statements, me me me, it's always someone elses fault but his, accountability and responsibility = a big fat zero. wants and engraved thank you or the flag put out if he mows the lawn. In tonights meeting we talked about forgivness. I decided to work on forgiving myself for being a dumb&^% first. Working on boundaries, working on healing myself, working of forgiving myself for how much of who I am and what I am I was willing to compromise and give up. Today I am taking it 5 minutes at a time, one day at a time seems to much for me. Hugs and kisses to everyone. I read a lot here - don't always have time to post.

Live

Good point! I forgave him a long time ago...I hadn't thought of forgiving me...thanks, I will give that some thought!

BigSis

No face slapping allowed.... Ann has some sweet little bunny slippers that she will use, instead.

We all get here in little baby steps, DW... doing what we can, as we can.

You are getting it... you really are.

I am sorry he is not ready... yet.

laurie6781

DW, print out every damn one of those emails, and give them to your attorney for presentation to the court.......................HE IS VIOLATING THE RO.

This may be part of your ongoing stress. No way was this going to be his bottom. Sweetie, HE IS JUST QUACKING. Wants his life to go on the way it has been so he can continue to indulge.

Have you even bothered to think what your wavering is teaching your children? Do you really want your children to learn that your husband's actions are ok? I doubt it.

Go to court. Get the RO for a year. Do not talk to him. Do not read his emails, do not talk to your MIL.

His actions as time goes on will show you if he is serious about recovery.

And most important. GET TO AS MANY ALANON AND NARANON MEETINGS AS POSSIBLE FOR YOU!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Ann

I agree with Laurie and the others here, keep the evidence and give it to your lawyer and then trust that your best interest and the chidren's will be protected.

Your recovery is shining girl, because you recognize this for what it is, even if looking at it is painful. He IS a bully and a manipulator and he has absolutely no power at all except the power that you would give him by buying into any of that. A bully who cannot scare the intended victim will stop. Sadly, this bully is pathetic in his methods, they've all been tried before and are quite transparent. All I hear from what he said and wrote is "Me, Me, Me", typical of an addict not yet in recovery.

If this happened to me, I would cut off all contact (the RO is there for a good reason, yes?), and communicate only through your lawyers.

Hugs

alyssiav

HI DW - Remember you are doing the right thing!!!! My ah just woke up this morning (his second day of outpatient is tonight) and was in the same rage as usual. He is getting help but not much as changed with his attitude. He is still mean and inconsiderate of my need for sleep and he is still completly irresponsible (read my thread). Say yours did start a program .... you don't want him around while he's going through that either. It will only make it easier for him to give up if he's already home. I am trying to be positive for my AH but I don't know how long he's gonna last. I know you are going to KEEP him OUT of that home, it's the best thing for you and your girls not to be around all that negativity. I bet you have gotten a lot more sleep without him there! Keep being strong and like these guys said ignore all his EMs and PCs if he really has something to say that you want to hear he will SHOW you my starting his recovery, right!!! HUGS!!!

tropikgal2

I[m a little late on this but wow Drained, you sure are alot different and stronger than when you first came on board! don't let him bully you!! What he says is a bunch of CR*P and you know it. For one thing, if he is in a substance abuse program of some sort, then all you have to do is have your lawyer subpeona his medical records to court in defense of your being the responsible parent. Ignore your AH's emails. If he has a problem, then have his lawyer contact your lawyer. At this point anything he says to you is manipulation pure and simple. I can tell he hasn't changed one iota, but YOU HAVE (and you go, girl!). Stay strong and move on with your life regardless of what choices he makes. HUGS