thiskidknows

hvin a really bad day...I watched a programme called Jeremy Kyle this morning and its messed up my head, I stared smoking hash at 9:35 this morning but I just can't settle or get rid of the feelings I don't know how to. sorry

when does the fog that set it in lift,
when does day give into nite
my heads racing ahread of me
my body to drained to see
the feelins have all but gone
nothing I feel, not even wrong
people walking past
but where am I heading?
Depression has taken a hold
it won't let go, its got to bold
I can't fight this anymore
This is worse then before
my head is hurting,
my heart is broken
for the things I've lost
all at a personal cost
I've lost the courage to fight
I've lost the hope to survive.
I've lost the will to live.
I've lost the person that I once was
I can no longer stand and be tall
I've shrunk I'm so small
for the things I had to do
I can't change nor undo.
I'm exhausted from life
I just want to sleep and be through
make it to the gates of heaven
and be free from this life, this demon.
I don't like goodbyes
they hurt and make me cry
and I'm sorry to do this to you
but I feel I have no other choice.
I'm not sure where I'm heading
or indeed what I'm doing
but something has to give
and it has to be today so I can relive.


So here I am
pills in my hand
I’ve taken too many already
there isn’t a chance I stand
With my last efforts
I pick up the pen
Scribble my last words on the page
And hope you remember me by them
You did this to me
You hurt me so bad
You didn’t see through my eyes
You didn’t see the pain that I had
I loved you all
But no one could tell
I kept it too deep inside
It made my life hell
Maybe I should have said something
To let you all know
If I had just walked away
I wouldn’t have been all on my own
It has gotten too hard,
I feel I really need to die
I don’t care what you did
I love you and goodbye
I slump across the desk I lean on
Clutching the pen to my heart
The truth in those words striking me
How I’ve made us all so apart
A tear leaks from my eye
Making my mascara run
Leaving a trail down my face
Showing that the pain has won.
I stare across the desk at the letter
Reach out and take it in my hand
I cling on to it tightly
As I begin to leave this land
I sense my breathing slowing
I know I’m leaving now
I start to get confused
My life was stolen and now I’m wondering how…

Jersey Nonny

WOW! I'm not usually at a loss for words...but your post has left me trying hard to know what to say to you that would somehow help you through this feeling of depression and "what's the use". PLEASE try to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives...there must be something for which to be grateful...someone to whom you can turn for comfort. Of course, we at SR are here for you 24/7...but, there's nothing like a good face to face/heart to heart with someone who knows you well.

Keep the faith, and don't give up on yourself. Don't know anything about the show, Jeremy Kyle; but, I'd definitely avoid watching it, if I were you.

Aysha

I'm sorry LC...And please dont take this wrong.
Because I really like you. And I see so much in you.
But I too am running out of things to say.
I know you want to change.
But if your not willing to take the steps to make it happen.
Then I dont know what else there is to say.
You need to try and quit blaming yourself.
Quit talking and start doing.
I am sorry if that sounds harsh.
But that is reality.
You will always be welcome here.
And I love reading your poems.
But get up and get yourself going.
I am always thinking about you and wish all the best for you.
And I will always be here for you. As will everyone here I'm sure.
Please learn to love yourself enough to do something.
Thats really all I can say.

GlassPrisoner

Ever stop to consider that this is your problem ?

Alive

Jodie letting go is one of the greatest lessons of life..it's the road to self love..believe it....when you're ready you will see that...

Rowan

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

St Francis of Assisi

thiskidknows

I'm sorry I know I need to do less talking and more action. I don't normally start smoking hash at that time in the morning..


*********MIGHT TRIGGER***********************




when I started watching the show, it was about peadophiles and a women who married him and gave up her kid to be with him, a convicted peadophile, and he thinks that he should be accepted back into society, that he should have more rehabilitation, that he won't re offend because he knows how the victim feels because he was put in our shoes, its crap, all crap, he never had a foreign object inside of him, he didn't feel the pain that rips thru ur body, the guilt, the shame, the blame that for ever we will have to live with, the reminders, the memories of being a child and being raped having our lifes taken away from us.

Sorry its triggered me, and of all days as i cancelled my appointment tomorrow so I can get myself into a routin ready for going back to work...I wasn't going to smoke, i wasn't going to drink and now i've done both. I need to learn how to deal with triggers in a different way.

I have a friend whose joined AA (which I only found out today, when out of the blue she sent me a text), and she has asked me to go with her I can't go today as i've been smoking and drinking but tomorrow nite i'm going with her, I want to change...I'm also going to see if I can see my therapist tomorrow.

GlassPrisoner

My step Dad was a pedophile. Although he never molested me, it did set up a chain of events that changed my life and my Moms life forever.

All that hate & guilt & rage are gone, courtesy of my 4th & 5th steps.

Dee74

I've been reading your posts from the start, and I think you've come a long way LC...I'm sorry you had a crappy day today, but best of luck tomorrow with the therapists and the meeting

keep it up !
D

IO Storm

I need to learn how to deal with triggers in a different way.

I have a friend whose joined AA (which I only found out today, when out of the blue she sent me a text), and she has asked me to go with her I can't go today as i've been smoking and drinking but tomorrow nite i'm going with her, I want to change...I'm also going to see if I can see my therapist tomorrow.

LC...

I have a year now and I continue to stay away from triggers until

I am stronger.

I can change the station on the TV...I change my thinking when

it starts talking crap..I even avoid certain forums here because

I am not ready to get into other people's business..if sharing

"triggers" rotten thinking patterns.

Your friend sent a text.."out of the blue"...?

Hmmm....maybe this was not an accident? And you don't have

to be sober to attend a meeting. My BF actually threw me into

the shower and "encouraged" me to attend a meeting with no

make up...smelling like last night's trash. They were so glad

to see me there..and didn't care if I was "hazy" or smelly.

I'm glad {now} he did.

Start protecting your mind LC..

We love ya.

IO

Kasha

Dear LC-
I can relate to your pain. I lost my virginity getting raped, and yes, there is a lot of emotional pain and shame that goes along with it, sad to say. One thing that helped me was to finally realize that it was not my fault, and that my continuing to feel the shame was only giving power to my abuser and once again raping me of a good life. There is a book I'd recommend highly... Not sure if you've read it or not yet. It's called 'Healing the Shame that Binds You'.

I'm not by any means trying to say that you should 'just get over your pain'. Wish it was that easy. It's not... but it is possible!!!!!!!

I'll pray for you today. (((((Lost Child))))) Hang in there, Hun! You can do this!!

Live

Ah, a friend to go to AA with....well, that is wonderful because you were anxious about going alone! And keeping the therapist appmt...YAY

Hash makes mental mush.
Are you going to be honest and tell your therapist about your pill stash?

The anti'ds are never going to help if we keep sabotaging them with other unprescribed drugs. So you are prolonging your pain.

Said with hugs,
Tena

thiskidknows

Kasha, I'm sorry to hear that u have experienced the same pain..I've not read Healing the shame that binds u, but I will have a look on amazon, thank you for the recommendation.. I have tried to read the courage to heal, but it was abit too much for me at the time and I couldn't digest the information so I closed the book and haven't read it since, maybe its time to open it again.

Live...I didn't keep the appointment with my therapist, I am seeing her friday though...I just felt I needed a break from the constent pain of therapy and need more time between sessions at the moment. But I will go to the AA meeting, I went to an online one last nite which was my first one I've ever been to, it did help, until the end when they said the Lo*ds Pra&er which is a massive trigger for me and I wasn't prepared for it..

I will tell my therapist about my stash..I haven't taken tramadole for 2 days and I can see that it was messing with my anti-d's...I also realised yesterday, that 15:00 is when i start to feel really down and last allnite...that was the time when school finished and I was going to the house where for 5 years I was held hostage and r**** everyday, I didn't realise until yesterday I don't know why yesterday but now I realise I need to do something to break the association,not sure what, but something...

sorry rambling on...

Live

I used to go to exabf to his open AA meetings. I do not understand why the Lord's prayer is included either. I would hold hands in the circle but would not say the prayer with them.

Kasha

Please don't be sorry for rambling on, LC. Absolutely no need. I believe that every post helps someone, somewhere in the world, somehow.
It sounds like maybe being able to surround yourself with some people who love you unconditionally (like we do here, of course, but maybe someone in person) would be a plus at your trigger time. Hugs sure do go a long way in helping to lessen the pain a bit. My heart is bleeding for you right now. Please keep posting and don't worry about being a bother. You aren't, and I'm pretty sure I can speak for all the SR folks when I say that.

Way to go as far as being up front w/your doc and also realizing when you need a break from therapy. Trust in your HP that you will be lead to do the next right thing. Not trying to pry, but do you have a HP that you've chosen? Being able to not have to control things takes a lot of pressure off. I'm trying to learn to do it more consistently, I'm still a novice at it, but the days I am able to do it... wow... they are very different from the ones where I choose not to (in an amazing way).