chero

"Stop being surprised"

I can't stop thinking about this line from the quote Minnie posted earlier in the thread about addicts being capable of love.

Stop being surprised. All afternoon I've been thinking, "How??"
Then, I got a big surprise tonight and I know it's my own fault.

I'm sad to admit that I was thinking about going home--returning to my AH. It would be easier in so many ways to go back. He and I even talked about it and of course he was all for it.

Then tonight I get a call from him and things go from strange to bad. I finally hung up and then I got a text from him telling me it's over and to leave him the f**k alone, etc. It was awful. I was, you guessed it, SURPRISED.

I was surprised that he was drinking, surprised at his attitude but mostly surprised that after all this I'm still so gullible.

Here is more of that quote:
"I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."

It's so true. I can't hope anymore. My heart can't take anymore surprises!

prodigal

I carry a copy of "I'm Jon. And I'm an addict." in my wallet. I also have a copy in my files. It gives me a jolt of reality when I need it. Yes, they are full of suprises until we finally stop letting them surprise us. I've seen and heard some of the nastiest, vilest filth come out of AH's mouth that I've ever heard in my life. Then the next day, he'll come home from work and say, "Hey, honey" as if nothing ever happened.

Yeah, my sense of surprise was deadened after awhile. I can understand your yearning to go back, but what you want to go back to ain't home anymore. Long time comin', long time gone.

Hang in, Chero. You're doing okay.

chero

I don't feel okay tonight, Prodigal. I can't stop crying. I can't stop beating myself up over this. I just want to hate him and I don't.

I hate what he has done to me, to my life, to my marriage, to himself but....

Live

You will need to cry and mourn your loss. Dreams die hard. By that I mean anytime we choose a mate we have the most wonderful dreams of our life together ahead.
Hating him won't do you much good either.
Healing takes time. But I promise it does get better.

Free At Last

all in due time! It seem so far away now. But it does get better and you find a better you. A "you" that deserves much more then someone who "loves you" that can just walk away. Its a game they play it is control. What can they say to set you off to make you take the focus off you and try to figure out what you did to make him this way. Focus on you. It will get better. Pray if that works for you. When I hit the very bottom I found there had to be something "higher" a power I could trust in a plan that was for me. and there is hon just have faith and stnd tall. They expect you to fall apart and call. Do for you and you will be amazed at the outcome

AllMyFault

Chero, I can relate to that want to hate him but you can't sooo much.
This is the first of my exes it seems impossible to reach a level of hate with.
My other exes, no problem.
I'm thinking it is because A's tend to be of the Jeckyl and Hyde sort, and logic tells us 'only if' they would fix themselves you would want them to be a part of your life again.
From my experience alcoholoism is like a self-induced form of Schizophrenia.

prodigal

Hating is pointless, in my opinion. It's kinda like me swallowing the poison in order to kill him. Sure, I hated AH for quite awhile. Then I became too tired to hate anymore. I have grieved the loss of several long-term relationships in my life. It stunk. Nobody could take away my pain. I just had to get through it. Some days were worse than others. It took me six months of feeling crazy and acting crazy before it eased. But it DOES get better.

AllMyFault

I think that hating (a big part of anger) actually does have its rightfull function. Its never permanent and most often turns to indifference. Its the part of anger that protects us from ripping the wounds open again when we are most vulnerable. Perhaps that is why it is easy for us to wind up in the same old cycle with an A?
Because the 'hate' part of anger is very difficult to acheive... Just a thought.
I think if I didn't go through the usual Sad, Angry, Indifference cycle after a break up something would be wrong, and well I guess thats why I am here....

SaTiT

Screw guilt...i thought you weren't going to let people
abuse you anymore...
well, your emotions and mental states is all over the place.

You had a little of practice of telling people to f-off.
after all.. what are friends for?..lol
it's like a prelude..ya know..things happens for a reason.

Your just not as emotionally attach to your freind..that's all.

well, if everything else fails.
Pray like hell...
sometimes it's like that...cuz now we're getting into the
realm of grasping what being powerless is all about.
becuase you keep doing the samething over and over
again and expecting a different result..
but you thought it through, through, but found yourself
in the same trap...what da ??? I thought i had it all under control
i thought i was strong enough...
well..things happen for a reason...lol
So.... what's really going on ???

yes..it's a testiment of how much you love your hubby.
if you didn't love him or cared..it won't hurt so damn much, would it ?

stop being so hard on yourself..
i got ya...you're guilty of love..like everyone in this forum.

But havn't you read the bible...my god is a jealous god..lmao.
okay..okay..I'll put it in a different way..
establish a realtionship with your HP first...and it's all down hill
from there..or easier.

sad#3

Yep. They get real mean sometimes. Usually verbally. It's not at all fun.

chero

Crap! That's right. How did I forget that so quickly!? I mean I couldn't have meant everyone except him. He's the most abusive. You are so right, again, Satit.

You ask the hardest questions. I just want to start screaming and yelling right now.
Honestly, what's going on is that I guess somewhere deep down inside I thought he would change for me. I guess I was still trying to be the martyr. CRAP! I hate this. I guess I thought if I stayed gone long enough it would be the jolt he needed. I know how dumb that sounds.

When I hung up with him yesterday my first thought was, "I've got to hurry home, I've waited too long." That's crazy!!!!

I ended up going to the church to pray which did make me feel better and is kind of odd because AH is blaming God for my leaving. I know it's another excuse.

I don't want him to surprise me ever again and I know that all falls on me. I've got to stop waiting on him and get on with my life. It just stinks!

Grace

Oh Chero, I am so sorry.
It's an emotional roller coaster, isn't it?
I saw my exA yesterday at my sister's camp. This is our problem and always has been. My brother-in-law is his best friend. It is awkward and painful. I came home and cried myself to sleep. It was for what I THOUGHT we had. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to see him.
I keep reading here that it takes time to heal and I'm hanging onto that.
I'm having FAITH and I do a whole lot of praying.
I know that God did not want me to stay in a dangerous situation.
I left what I thought was my home to sleep in my mother's basement.
It sucks, but at least I don't have to put up with an abusive drunk any longer.
The last time that I moved out, Chero, I was gone for 4 months.
He started calling me and I thought that would be all right for us to be 'just friends'. NOPE! I ended up leaving my apartment and moving back in with him. I gave him my savings to buy what was supposed to be 'our' home, and here I am living in my mom's basement.

As SaTiT said, [I]We keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result[I] They're not going to change until they're ready to change.
We have to concentrate on changing ourselves and making our lives better.

Life is so short, Chero, let's get happy!!!!!

chero

I know you are right, Grace. Life is too short. I'm just so mad right now. I just want to...?? I don't know what. What do you do when you are this angry. Nothing helps.

I'm going to put on my smile and go to work and pretend everything is okay but inside I want to lay down and die. Or I want to punch him in the face. I want to hurt him over and over and over. And I know that's not good and it makes me sad to say that.

UGH! It just sucks to be back here again--esp. knowing I put myself here.

hopeangel

hey hon, it sounds like me like you are just starting to get the -you can't change them and or control them part or the powerless part. i think you are just now beginning to grasp the reality of the situation. the reality is - they may change, they may not, and it may not last if they do and we have no control over that.

remember "no expectations"! i know we all leave in the hopes that will change them, but the fact is, it is not always, and if we leave with that hope or as the only motivation, we are really fooling ourselves- we need to leave because it is what what needs to be done and that is all.

i think this is just another step for you in the process-the grasping reality part. i think you are going to be much stronger and prepared to move on after this i see this as another good thing!

with all that said, thank you, i soo needed to read this post this morning and have this reminder! you helped me today chero

hopeangel

yep, you got the answer chero, what do you do? you just continue going on with your life and your day. go to work and fake that smile it till you feel it chero. just keep going!

embraced2000

it gets better, honestly it does. it took a lot of time for me. and a lot of going back with my xh only to have the same outcome every time for me to finally know i had to make the break last.

it took me becoming very physically ill from the stress of the repeated do-overs, abuse, insanity, and feeling heartbroken and anxious all the time before i started worrrying about my own health enough to get rid of the insanity stresser in my life.

it just about broke my spirit........i was nearly dead spiritually and emotionally broken. but things do get better.

what i found after my final seperation from hubs was that i was still in the chaos except he wasn't here. when peacefullness was upon me, i didn't know what to do with it.

i had selective memory about my hubs.....when we were split, all i could think about was the good things we shared. so i tried to remember only the bad things....which was a bad idea because i just excused those away and blamed it all on his addiction.

what finally worked for me was focusing only on myself and my own well-being.

much love to you chero
i understand

parentrecovers

i'm thinking about you, chero. it's very difficult to let go and let god. but it is possible, and the best we can do? blessings, k

MsGolightly

i think this is what i experience, too.

chero, when you think about going home, are you thinking about the "old" him, or the drinking him? chances are, it's the old one you shared some great memories with over the past 12 years, and it's so easy to want all of that back. it's normal.

that's when we get surprised. we forget that we're dealing with someone who is actively drinking, someone who hasn't had that year of sobriety under his belt (which sometimes then isn't even enough), and we remember the old person and think things will get better. it's a surprise when it doesn't... because we forget which person we were dealing with!

CE Girl

Man Sista,,I know that!!! I keep SNATCHING that halo out of the closet, just when I think I have no need for it anymore.

But I also think, its my own DENIAL. How could I LOVE someone, who is actually so BAD for me?

So, I play this little "game".

If I leave, and form some boundry's, he'll realize that he IS bad for me, and start to be "good". He'll miss me so much, cause his love for me makes him want to climb moutains, swim oceans, and fight ARMYS to prove it. Whats a little thing like quiting drinking?!?!?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,,I'm sorry, but my A is over weight and could NEVER climb a mountain, doesn't know how to swim, and the only ARMY he's fighting is the one on his video game while he's swigging the vodka.

Reality BITES.

My A might quit for a few days, be the man I fell in love with, lull me into a false sense of security, and ~bam~, the next thing I know I'm getting accused of sleeping with the garbage man, in the back of the truck no less, in broad daylight, in full view of all our family and friends?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!?

When I don't LISTEN, I can't HEAR

Let him quack to himself

That's YOUR next step.

You know what I'm about to say, I'm saying out of love right?

STOP TALKING TO HIM!!!!!!
NO CONTACT

Give yourself the space you need for CLARITY

Ok, HARD to do. Geez, even I have "slips" with email. But I have not seen/spoken to my A in three months. And you know what? I have no desire too. That's what the time away has gotten me, NO DESIRE to get back into my halo and be surprised,,

Peace

SaTiT

Chero,
it was like that me..lol
i had to pray like hell...becuase i step in the traps again
and again and again. I kept making contacts with her
and the roller coaster drove my out of my mind..

it's gets really, really tough when you tring
to make that final break of letting go..it's part of the process.
A part of you knows what's it like to get well..
it was revealed to you for a reason..there a glicth
in the old ways..Just keep moving forward.
Cry if yo have too..scream if you have too..
Don't trip...just observe youself making mistakes
Be gental to yourself and observe how you get well.
Growing pains...growning pains.

90 days..of no contacts..i couldn't do it my own
so people had to hide me...lol
i started going to meeting regularly.. i started getting well and started focusing on myself or working on myself..

As things would happen...she hitted bottom without
me being around. it was a miracle..i just had to
get out of the way..

She got back into recovery and started working her program,
beyound just not the using.

as a recovery alki..when i first got sober.
i blame god for everything too. i was mad at god.
and when god told me i had to stop drinking and using.
well.. that really tick me off...lmao