I "should" feel happy yet I am not...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I "should" feel happy yet I am not...
You know.. I should feel happy. Not sure what is going on with me that I am not. My life is pretty full with taking care of this place, working, driving almost an hour to work and an hour home, puppy, kitten, four cats, good job, church and a lot of decent and nice ppl in my life.
I am busy.. one night a week is puppy training and another I go to a meeting. My neighbors are forever asking me to do things (and I am say yes, but sometimes financial constraints have me say No).
So, what the HECK is the matter with me? I did what I wanted to this weekend AND I got my yard work caught up AND today I took my dog for a walk where there are ppl and dogs to work on her training (she did GREAT btw). I spent time introducing Oliver to his leash (cats train different than dogs). i did pretty much exactly what I wanted to do today.
So, why am I feeling down? I can't quite figure it out... tho I may have. I spent some time driving thryu farm country this past week.. as Atka got Spayed and so I got to talk to a few old friends and see how the crops were looking.. and I realized how very much I miss that life.
It is almost like I never properly grieved that loss or maybe it is just something that fits me soooo well.. and it is done in my life.
Or maybe it is learning that XABF is moving away (we have no contact, not a word in 3 months.. so I can't imagine it is that?)
I don't know.. just feeling a bit low the last week. Not very much like the good recovery I have been feeling.
If it was just today, it would be different. But this is a week now.
I am busy.. one night a week is puppy training and another I go to a meeting. My neighbors are forever asking me to do things (and I am say yes, but sometimes financial constraints have me say No).
So, what the HECK is the matter with me? I did what I wanted to this weekend AND I got my yard work caught up AND today I took my dog for a walk where there are ppl and dogs to work on her training (she did GREAT btw). I spent time introducing Oliver to his leash (cats train different than dogs). i did pretty much exactly what I wanted to do today.
So, why am I feeling down? I can't quite figure it out... tho I may have. I spent some time driving thryu farm country this past week.. as Atka got Spayed and so I got to talk to a few old friends and see how the crops were looking.. and I realized how very much I miss that life.
It is almost like I never properly grieved that loss or maybe it is just something that fits me soooo well.. and it is done in my life.
Or maybe it is learning that XABF is moving away (we have no contact, not a word in 3 months.. so I can't imagine it is that?)
I don't know.. just feeling a bit low the last week. Not very much like the good recovery I have been feeling.
If it was just today, it would be different. But this is a week now.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
((Elana))
I still have spells like that. Do you know......the smell of someone BBQing can almost bring me to tears some days?? Sounds silly doesn't it? But it takes me back to a time in my life where I was (or at least thought I was) happy.....content....I was enjoying my life. Now........it's all work, driving, more work, broken vehicle, etc....I miss the weekend BBQs with friends, tending to my garden, ........my life seemed slower paced back then and I never really realized just how much I missed it until it was gone.
Some days I just lay there on the couch and ask God "What is this all for?" I think for those who have had great loss in their lives, your feelings are pretty normal. Hang in there. I'm feeling that "I don't know why I'm feeling like this" a lot lately. You're definitely not alone.
I still have spells like that. Do you know......the smell of someone BBQing can almost bring me to tears some days?? Sounds silly doesn't it? But it takes me back to a time in my life where I was (or at least thought I was) happy.....content....I was enjoying my life. Now........it's all work, driving, more work, broken vehicle, etc....I miss the weekend BBQs with friends, tending to my garden, ........my life seemed slower paced back then and I never really realized just how much I missed it until it was gone.
Some days I just lay there on the couch and ask God "What is this all for?" I think for those who have had great loss in their lives, your feelings are pretty normal. Hang in there. I'm feeling that "I don't know why I'm feeling like this" a lot lately. You're definitely not alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey Elana,
So sorry you're down. Are you sure that it's mental and not chemical? I know that my body's strange hormones at this age sometimes toss me right into a state that I can't explain and can't seem to get out of, but then I'll wake up one morning and it'll be gone. I also have trouble with exhaustion, especially when my sleep is being disturbed in the middle of the night constantly, not enough to wake me up a lot but just enough to keep jostling me and keeping me from getting that good deep REM sleep. So I never feel rested and as a result it feels EXACTLY like depression. Freaky women-bodies.... anyway, just a couple of thoughts.
I always take my down periods very seriously, and treat them as a road map or a trail of breadcrumbs to whatever it is I may be lacking in my life. Do you write in a journal? If you were to take a few pages and write down your perfect day, from start to finish, dawn to dusk, in fine detail, what would it be? I mean, this would be the day that you'd have if you had unlimited supplies of money, time, power, the "right" kinds of friends, family and lovers, everything -- what would that day look like? Every detail helps.
That's a Barbara Sher exercise from her book Wishcraft, and she actually describes it in really great detail and in a way that helps you articulate it for yourself. I did it many years ago and I do it periodically just to stay clear on what I want, and it has really helped me to always see the places where I wasn't getting what I needed out of this life, in a non-judgmental way. A real depression-buster, for the most part.
I cannot fight what I cannot see.
Anyway, I hope that one way or another, things turn around for you. I know how it feels to walk around feeling blue, despite your best efforts.
Hugs,
GiveLove
So sorry you're down. Are you sure that it's mental and not chemical? I know that my body's strange hormones at this age sometimes toss me right into a state that I can't explain and can't seem to get out of, but then I'll wake up one morning and it'll be gone. I also have trouble with exhaustion, especially when my sleep is being disturbed in the middle of the night constantly, not enough to wake me up a lot but just enough to keep jostling me and keeping me from getting that good deep REM sleep. So I never feel rested and as a result it feels EXACTLY like depression. Freaky women-bodies.... anyway, just a couple of thoughts.
I always take my down periods very seriously, and treat them as a road map or a trail of breadcrumbs to whatever it is I may be lacking in my life. Do you write in a journal? If you were to take a few pages and write down your perfect day, from start to finish, dawn to dusk, in fine detail, what would it be? I mean, this would be the day that you'd have if you had unlimited supplies of money, time, power, the "right" kinds of friends, family and lovers, everything -- what would that day look like? Every detail helps.
That's a Barbara Sher exercise from her book Wishcraft, and she actually describes it in really great detail and in a way that helps you articulate it for yourself. I did it many years ago and I do it periodically just to stay clear on what I want, and it has really helped me to always see the places where I wasn't getting what I needed out of this life, in a non-judgmental way. A real depression-buster, for the most part.
I cannot fight what I cannot see.
Anyway, I hope that one way or another, things turn around for you. I know how it feels to walk around feeling blue, despite your best efforts.
Hugs,
GiveLove
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
((((((Elana))))))
I have those times, too. I hope you feel much better very soon. Your wisdom and strength have been such an inspiration to me here at SR.
Thanks for just being you!
I have those times, too. I hope you feel much better very soon. Your wisdom and strength have been such an inspiration to me here at SR.
Thanks for just being you!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Do you have a sponsor in the program? Maybe a "mini-4th" step is in order?
Mine had me do a list of Anger, Fear and Resentments....and any past experiences that I could relate to each of the items on the list.
For example....
Fear of rejection..... time I was previously rejected.... how it made me feel... what is different today.
That sort of thing. It was very cathartic and helped me very much.
I wish you the best.
Mine had me do a list of Anger, Fear and Resentments....and any past experiences that I could relate to each of the items on the list.
For example....
Fear of rejection..... time I was previously rejected.... how it made me feel... what is different today.
That sort of thing. It was very cathartic and helped me very much.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
"I spent some time driving thryu farm country this past week.. as Atka got Spayed and so I got to talk to a few old friends and see how the crops were looking.. and I realized how very much I miss that life."
It sounds like that is what you want...is it? can you go back to living that way again???
I miss some aspects of that life, too. I miss nature mostly...being able to walk around out in the woods and not have to worry about crime and crackheads roaming the streets...(My neighborhood is full of that). I sure don't miss no culture (museums and concerts and diversity) but I miss the nature thing...I have a better sense of community here , though...I don't miss the people there, never felt like i belonged...but I love it otherwise....
i don't have a clue about your backround there, but...Look deep within..maybe it's time to go with what you really want!!!
Think about it ..maybe you can make some changes?? !!!!
I just want you to know i feel you..I've been down myself lately....like you said-more than a week...
Do something new..Break up the routine....always helps me...
I'm planning to move to the west coast when I'm done with school..maybe before then..it's a scary idea at my age..but I have always wanted to.....
It sounds like that is what you want...is it? can you go back to living that way again???
I miss some aspects of that life, too. I miss nature mostly...being able to walk around out in the woods and not have to worry about crime and crackheads roaming the streets...(My neighborhood is full of that). I sure don't miss no culture (museums and concerts and diversity) but I miss the nature thing...I have a better sense of community here , though...I don't miss the people there, never felt like i belonged...but I love it otherwise....
i don't have a clue about your backround there, but...Look deep within..maybe it's time to go with what you really want!!!
Think about it ..maybe you can make some changes?? !!!!
I just want you to know i feel you..I've been down myself lately....like you said-more than a week...
Do something new..Break up the routine....always helps me...
I'm planning to move to the west coast when I'm done with school..maybe before then..it's a scary idea at my age..but I have always wanted to.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
You guys are the BESt.
Loves:
Just thank you. You know.. I see fresh cut hay or smell the earth just turned or the smell of cows.. Jeeze Loueeze.... I just MISS being a farmer and getting up in the morning and going down to the barn and milking the cows. Days were not always stress free (quite the contrary on a working farm), but many were good days.. and every day there was a challenge. I just loved the Veterinary work.
GL:
Thank you. I do write but of late there has been zero time and less energy. I realized reading this that tho I don't wake up fully at night, I do get awakened. Naughty sleeps on the bed with me but at some point last night all 4 cts were gone and Oliver the Kitten was sleeping next to me. I expect they sort of rouse me thru the night... and Gosh Knows, the night is from 9:30PM to 3:45AM these days.
I will try your exercises tho. I will look up more too. D**n this female crap! That could be it too. I have a Dr's apt on Friday.
Duet:
You have helped me so much with your words. FWIW your words today are telling me to be patient with myself. I tend to have a time frame that is not very patient.
Big Sis:
I think I need to work a little harder at "the program." I will give your suggestion a try!
raerae6:
I would love to go back to being a farmer but I cannot. I have run the figures a thousand times and I cannot make them work. Besides, in that business you REALLY do need a SECOND person. I have such a great job now and a pension.. really it is very good.. to walk away would be fool hardy.
However, I am considering selling my over sized house and getting into something smaller, less expensive and with MORE LAND and a BARN. Maybe I can board cats and dogs if nothing else.. or do the tried and true buying spoiled horses and retraining them?
I do plan to move out west when I retire.. South Dakota, Eastern Wyoming.. Well, that is 12 years away at this point. Plands will strt to form better in another year on that...
Hope213;
You are always so supportive and your words are sage to me. Thank you.
thank you all you guys.. where would I be w/o you? oph yeah.. that's right.. still weeping, wailing, pining and begging my XABF to come back(!!?). That thought alone is cheering!!!
Loves:
Just thank you. You know.. I see fresh cut hay or smell the earth just turned or the smell of cows.. Jeeze Loueeze.... I just MISS being a farmer and getting up in the morning and going down to the barn and milking the cows. Days were not always stress free (quite the contrary on a working farm), but many were good days.. and every day there was a challenge. I just loved the Veterinary work.
GL:
Thank you. I do write but of late there has been zero time and less energy. I realized reading this that tho I don't wake up fully at night, I do get awakened. Naughty sleeps on the bed with me but at some point last night all 4 cts were gone and Oliver the Kitten was sleeping next to me. I expect they sort of rouse me thru the night... and Gosh Knows, the night is from 9:30PM to 3:45AM these days.
I will try your exercises tho. I will look up more too. D**n this female crap! That could be it too. I have a Dr's apt on Friday.
Duet:
You have helped me so much with your words. FWIW your words today are telling me to be patient with myself. I tend to have a time frame that is not very patient.
Big Sis:
I think I need to work a little harder at "the program." I will give your suggestion a try!
raerae6:
I would love to go back to being a farmer but I cannot. I have run the figures a thousand times and I cannot make them work. Besides, in that business you REALLY do need a SECOND person. I have such a great job now and a pension.. really it is very good.. to walk away would be fool hardy.
However, I am considering selling my over sized house and getting into something smaller, less expensive and with MORE LAND and a BARN. Maybe I can board cats and dogs if nothing else.. or do the tried and true buying spoiled horses and retraining them?
I do plan to move out west when I retire.. South Dakota, Eastern Wyoming.. Well, that is 12 years away at this point. Plands will strt to form better in another year on that...
Hope213;
You are always so supportive and your words are sage to me. Thank you.
thank you all you guys.. where would I be w/o you? oph yeah.. that's right.. still weeping, wailing, pining and begging my XABF to come back(!!?). That thought alone is cheering!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
However, I am considering selling my over sized house and getting into something smaller, less expensive and with MORE LAND and a BARN. Maybe I can board cats and dogs if nothing else.. or do the tried and true buying spoiled horses and retraining them?
Hugs, I think you're thinking about what is good for your soul and the call of the land is reminding you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Elana))
Hope today is better for you -
I know for me, even if "things" seem to be going ok - May & June can be tough months - too many "Hallmark" commercials for Mother's Day & Father's Day. And I don't even have any really bad issues with my parents??? so what's up with that??
Just too many mushy commercials!!!
Hope you have a wonderful week - blessed with many "Sunshine" Days!!
Rita
Hope today is better for you -
I know for me, even if "things" seem to be going ok - May & June can be tough months - too many "Hallmark" commercials for Mother's Day & Father's Day. And I don't even have any really bad issues with my parents??? so what's up with that??
Just too many mushy commercials!!!
Hope you have a wonderful week - blessed with many "Sunshine" Days!!
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Sorry as this is, I think I am missing doing wedding photography with my XABF. He would not use when he had a wedding. Fact is, it was the one Non addict thing he did.. photography.
I am missing going to that Mexican place in New Paltz too. I can do that w/o him tho and it would be as much fun (Ooohhh.. those 'nast nachos' are soooooo good!).
It is June.. wedding month.. (missing XABF) dairy month.. (missing the good in my x and deceased husband).. and missing my horses and my farm.. just a lot of stuff to be missing.
The land IS calling me. I drive to work in the early morning and sun streaks yellow between the long shadows across the seed heads of the Brome Grass... and the sweet smell of the hay that is cut and curing next to the hay about to be cut comes to me like a flood tide.
I think it is all part of a lot of things.
I am missing going to that Mexican place in New Paltz too. I can do that w/o him tho and it would be as much fun (Ooohhh.. those 'nast nachos' are soooooo good!).
It is June.. wedding month.. (missing XABF) dairy month.. (missing the good in my x and deceased husband).. and missing my horses and my farm.. just a lot of stuff to be missing.
The land IS calling me. I drive to work in the early morning and sun streaks yellow between the long shadows across the seed heads of the Brome Grass... and the sweet smell of the hay that is cut and curing next to the hay about to be cut comes to me like a flood tide.
I think it is all part of a lot of things.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
That's a lot to be missing Elana - remember this is a safe place to feel sad and grieve if you need to.
And when you're ready there are tons of great resources to help you move past the sadness, grief letters, prayer & meditation, spiritual healing, healing thru laughter, and whatever your HP leads you to do to help you keep Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny.
Peace my friend, Peace,
Rita
And when you're ready there are tons of great resources to help you move past the sadness, grief letters, prayer & meditation, spiritual healing, healing thru laughter, and whatever your HP leads you to do to help you keep Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny.
Peace my friend, Peace,
Rita
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I think a lot of us feel this way at times, and for no aparant reason. It's a cycle of life. Before you know it, you;ll wake up feeling like a million dollars!
This too shall pass.
Hugs to you my friend.
This too shall pass.
Hugs to you my friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Helped to read the LAST correspondance with XABF. Man.. there is a REASON they call drugs DOPE!!!!
LOL
Took Atka walking and had a great training session with her tonight. She is a good dog. Naughty is starting to play with the Kitten (Oliver). they both scared each other tonight LOL.
Oh things will be fine. I just want to move past some things.. but dang I hate to waste a single day of this short life with any sort of sadness or wasted thoughts on ppl who are not worth it.. like XABF.
I cut my X husband a lot of slack. Yeah.. he was an alcoholic but he was mentally ill too. He was not a liar . He was simply sick in ways that went beyond the alcohol to a place that is dark.
I will be fine.. Just need to do something for me that is awesome fun to do.
LOL
Took Atka walking and had a great training session with her tonight. She is a good dog. Naughty is starting to play with the Kitten (Oliver). they both scared each other tonight LOL.
Oh things will be fine. I just want to move past some things.. but dang I hate to waste a single day of this short life with any sort of sadness or wasted thoughts on ppl who are not worth it.. like XABF.
I cut my X husband a lot of slack. Yeah.. he was an alcoholic but he was mentally ill too. He was not a liar . He was simply sick in ways that went beyond the alcohol to a place that is dark.
I will be fine.. Just need to do something for me that is awesome fun to do.
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