i need to stop worrying about him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
i need to stop worrying about him
i spoke with my naranon group friend who is going through a very similar situation as me. Except her Ah is taking some responsibility. he is living with his brother who is getting on his case, he is going to be evaluated by a psychiatrist, he is going to therapy and he is staying clean & sober. He has admitted tohis kids that he wants a clean life and that he has missed the last few years of his life. he is abiding by the rules of the RO and is not contacting her.
Now you have my ah...he is living in a hotel...he has told his parents he is clean, that he doesnt have a problem, he says he will go for psychiatric evaluation, random drug testing, etc...but it seems that he is not doing this for himself..he is doing this to pacify me and so that we dont get divorced. he is still not admitting he has a problem, and he is denying the domestive violence. He has also said that he doesnt know if he can forget what has happened, i.e., me keeping him from the kids,him being all alone in a hotel...AND he still is leaving messages on my cell phone....
i am beginning to think that he will never "get it"... i am just praying to my hp to give me the strength and the courage to do what i have to do to protect myself and my kids..i pray that my ah will one day "get it" and clean up his act for HIM because he knows he has a problem...
I am really scared and nervous...we go back to court on thursday..i am going to listen to my lawyer and do what i have to do....my ah ahs to worry about himself and do what he needs to do..and that is HIS choice, his decision..if he wants to lvie a clean and sober life he is going to have to make that choice and really work on it....i cant worry about what his decisions are going to be...why cant i stop worrrying about him and start worrying about me and me kids?????
Now you have my ah...he is living in a hotel...he has told his parents he is clean, that he doesnt have a problem, he says he will go for psychiatric evaluation, random drug testing, etc...but it seems that he is not doing this for himself..he is doing this to pacify me and so that we dont get divorced. he is still not admitting he has a problem, and he is denying the domestive violence. He has also said that he doesnt know if he can forget what has happened, i.e., me keeping him from the kids,him being all alone in a hotel...AND he still is leaving messages on my cell phone....
i am beginning to think that he will never "get it"... i am just praying to my hp to give me the strength and the courage to do what i have to do to protect myself and my kids..i pray that my ah will one day "get it" and clean up his act for HIM because he knows he has a problem...
I am really scared and nervous...we go back to court on thursday..i am going to listen to my lawyer and do what i have to do....my ah ahs to worry about himself and do what he needs to do..and that is HIS choice, his decision..if he wants to lvie a clean and sober life he is going to have to make that choice and really work on it....i cant worry about what his decisions are going to be...why cant i stop worrrying about him and start worrying about me and me kids?????
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
If you can find some way to not recieve his calls or just delete the voice messages without listening to them, that would maybe help you not to think about him so much. You could report him for contacting you-and violating the RO.
He may figure it all out and move out of denialville some day and he might not...it seems like he won't do it any time soon...
You know the serenity prayer? Try and repeat it as often as necessary...
in codependent no more, she has a good suggestion for going through hard times....
She said that you can ask yourself periodically "what is it that i need to do for myself right now?" Then do it. You can do this every hour, every ten minutes...however often you need to...
He may figure it all out and move out of denialville some day and he might not...it seems like he won't do it any time soon...
You know the serenity prayer? Try and repeat it as often as necessary...
in codependent no more, she has a good suggestion for going through hard times....
She said that you can ask yourself periodically "what is it that i need to do for myself right now?" Then do it. You can do this every hour, every ten minutes...however often you need to...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
(((Drainedwife)))
He may never get it, admit it, or be honest with himself. But your HP is doing wonder's for you, because you have come this far. Focus on you! Not him, that's his job.
Your doing great, and your getting stronger everyday... Don't listen to him while he is in this negative mode. It will suck you in and under the current...
(((more hugs)))
He may never get it, admit it, or be honest with himself. But your HP is doing wonder's for you, because you have come this far. Focus on you! Not him, that's his job.
Your doing great, and your getting stronger everyday... Don't listen to him while he is in this negative mode. It will suck you in and under the current...
(((more hugs)))
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
KEEP THOSE VOICE MESSAGES and play them for your attorney, who will play them for the court.
He is still in the "Not my fault mode" and is totally ignoring the RO.
Right now...........................................you are the problem. He IS NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR CHILDREN and YOUR PHYSICAL WELL BEING.
Stick with it, do what your attorney says. Whether you worry about him or not he is going to do what he is doing. His problems btw are a direct result of HIS ACTIONS.
You need to FOCUS on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
He is still in the "Not my fault mode" and is totally ignoring the RO.
Right now...........................................you are the problem. He IS NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR CHILDREN and YOUR PHYSICAL WELL BEING.
Stick with it, do what your attorney says. Whether you worry about him or not he is going to do what he is doing. His problems btw are a direct result of HIS ACTIONS.
You need to FOCUS on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
part of the whole co dependent thing is obsessing. We obsess about the other pserson when we fall "in love." We obsess about doing our work. We obsess about being good enough for others. We obsess about the other person when they are not with us.
Who don't we obsess about? US!!!! Who don't we try to please? US AGAIN!
I am willing to bet in the hierachy of who you care about and take care of in the world has been in this order:
1.) Your Husband
2.) Your kids
3.) Your Husband's Parents
4.) You husband's siblings
5.) Your parents
6.) Your siblings.
7.) Getting the bills paid
8.) Taking care of the house
9.) Your job
and last on this list? No surprise here...
10.) YOU and YOUR NEEDS
I may have that list screwed up but I bet I have #1 and #10 right.. especially #10.
so, here is your job. Your job is to do ONE THING TODAY that is totally 100% for you.
It can be a bubble bath. It can be making a hair appointment. It can be having someone watch the kids while you go see a friend or go to a movie. It can be buying a new Scarf, going for an ice cream cone (no kids along!).. taking a walk..
something just for YOU.
Then, your next assignment is to take 15 minutes EVERY DAY just for YOU. When you increase that time to an hour, let us know!
Let us know what you did. We can all use ideas!!!!
Who don't we obsess about? US!!!! Who don't we try to please? US AGAIN!
I am willing to bet in the hierachy of who you care about and take care of in the world has been in this order:
1.) Your Husband
2.) Your kids
3.) Your Husband's Parents
4.) You husband's siblings
5.) Your parents
6.) Your siblings.
7.) Getting the bills paid
8.) Taking care of the house
9.) Your job
and last on this list? No surprise here...
10.) YOU and YOUR NEEDS
I may have that list screwed up but I bet I have #1 and #10 right.. especially #10.
so, here is your job. Your job is to do ONE THING TODAY that is totally 100% for you.
It can be a bubble bath. It can be making a hair appointment. It can be having someone watch the kids while you go see a friend or go to a movie. It can be buying a new Scarf, going for an ice cream cone (no kids along!).. taking a walk..
something just for YOU.
Then, your next assignment is to take 15 minutes EVERY DAY just for YOU. When you increase that time to an hour, let us know!
Let us know what you did. We can all use ideas!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
drained wife............
In my opinion hes not getting it in part because hes not getting that its really is serious and hes still focused on you and what your "doing" to him.
Sometimes they just take a long time to finally get it but In my opinion you need to "get out of his way" as they say around here............
and by that I mean, you should not speak to him or listen to his messages......just hit the save button for future use but hold the phone away Dont listen.
He knows you love him he knows you want to hear certain things and thats all hes doing right now tlling you what you want to hear.............
so dont listen,.............tell him you dont want to hear anythi ng else, THAT the first step in fixing a problem like drugs.....is admitting theres a problem and unless and until hes able to do that then follow up with actions to get help..........not just follow YOUR demands but really seek for himself help then hes not going to get it.
good luck, as always you will be in my thoughts this has been long and tough for you but we're all here and your not alone
In my opinion hes not getting it in part because hes not getting that its really is serious and hes still focused on you and what your "doing" to him.
Sometimes they just take a long time to finally get it but In my opinion you need to "get out of his way" as they say around here............
and by that I mean, you should not speak to him or listen to his messages......just hit the save button for future use but hold the phone away Dont listen.
He knows you love him he knows you want to hear certain things and thats all hes doing right now tlling you what you want to hear.............
so dont listen,.............tell him you dont want to hear anythi ng else, THAT the first step in fixing a problem like drugs.....is admitting theres a problem and unless and until hes able to do that then follow up with actions to get help..........not just follow YOUR demands but really seek for himself help then hes not going to get it.
good luck, as always you will be in my thoughts this has been long and tough for you but we're all here and your not alone
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
. he is still not admitting he has a problem, and he is denying the domestive violence. He has also said that he doesnt know if he can forget what has happened, i.e., me keeping him from the kids,him being all alone in a hotel...AND he still is leaving messages on my cell phone....
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
My XABF knew all the things to say. He played me like a tune.. he knew how to stir my heart.. and when I finally got the TRUTH, and alled him on it, he went nutz....
The buttons quit working. They push and push the buttons and find out they have been DISCONNECTED..... and even then the don't always get it.
Fortunately, mine got it. Finally.
The buttons quit working. They push and push the buttons and find out they have been DISCONNECTED..... and even then the don't always get it.
Fortunately, mine got it. Finally.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
My ex is still searching for any excuse he can come up with to avoid accepting true responsibility for his actions. His latest epiphany, shared with our oldest son on the occassion of the birth of our grandaughter:
he read *another* book (or probably a section of one that fit his agenda) and has decided that the reason our marriage fell apart is because I put the needs of the children above his needs and our relationship.
What a total crock! I doubt if he will ever 'get it'. Too bad for him. I get it! Like elana, my buttons have been disconnected!
he read *another* book (or probably a section of one that fit his agenda) and has decided that the reason our marriage fell apart is because I put the needs of the children above his needs and our relationship.
What a total crock! I doubt if he will ever 'get it'. Too bad for him. I get it! Like elana, my buttons have been disconnected!
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