How Can I...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 32
How Can I...
I was wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom.
My relationship with an alcoholic/drug user just ended.
During the course of the relationship he made several cries for help and I tried my best to be there for him and support him to recover.
He would often talk about suicide, his lack of self-worth etc etc, which I am well aware created a triggered my own co-dependant tendencies.
He has been 100% opposed to any kind of therapy and recently went to live with his parents for 3 months to 'dry out' all the while insisting that he would be able to take up drinking again at a more moderate level and that he did not need or want to partake in therapy of any kind.
When he came back, he pretty much went right back at it. 2 weeks later he got wasted and downed a bunch of his antidepressants. He convinced myself and the doctor that it just seemed like something to do at the time, using the alcohol as an excuse.
A couple weeks after that, drunk again he tried to hang himself in the shed. Then bragged about it to me. At that point I had had enough and so I called the police and had him taken away knowing full well that would spell the end of our romantic relationship.
Without giving the Dr. in charge his full 17 year history of alcohol and drug abuse, he took the Dr's statement that this was all the symptom of a toxic relationship to heart. As did his entire family who are now blaming me for everything that is wrong with thier son.
The fact that he was molested by a babysitter and they chose to look the other way, the fact that he was a meth head for 2 full years under thier roof and they chose to look the other way matters not.
Its simply all my fault.
Now obviously I still care about him a great deal, but I am trying to figure out how I can be there for him as a friend without hurting myself more in the process.
My relationship with an alcoholic/drug user just ended.
During the course of the relationship he made several cries for help and I tried my best to be there for him and support him to recover.
He would often talk about suicide, his lack of self-worth etc etc, which I am well aware created a triggered my own co-dependant tendencies.
He has been 100% opposed to any kind of therapy and recently went to live with his parents for 3 months to 'dry out' all the while insisting that he would be able to take up drinking again at a more moderate level and that he did not need or want to partake in therapy of any kind.
When he came back, he pretty much went right back at it. 2 weeks later he got wasted and downed a bunch of his antidepressants. He convinced myself and the doctor that it just seemed like something to do at the time, using the alcohol as an excuse.
A couple weeks after that, drunk again he tried to hang himself in the shed. Then bragged about it to me. At that point I had had enough and so I called the police and had him taken away knowing full well that would spell the end of our romantic relationship.
Without giving the Dr. in charge his full 17 year history of alcohol and drug abuse, he took the Dr's statement that this was all the symptom of a toxic relationship to heart. As did his entire family who are now blaming me for everything that is wrong with thier son.
The fact that he was molested by a babysitter and they chose to look the other way, the fact that he was a meth head for 2 full years under thier roof and they chose to look the other way matters not.
Its simply all my fault.
Now obviously I still care about him a great deal, but I am trying to figure out how I can be there for him as a friend without hurting myself more in the process.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: northeastern California
Posts: 80
You can't please everyone and it's crazy-making to try! You also can't make anyone an alcoholic or drug addict, nor can you cure them!!
The best thing to do is: Take care of yourself and your needs. Know that you are worth the good life and if you strive for progress on a daily basis, you can achieve
it.
Good luck to you,
Luv
The best thing to do is: Take care of yourself and your needs. Know that you are worth the good life and if you strive for progress on a daily basis, you can achieve
it.
Good luck to you,
Luv
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm sorry you're taking the blame from him and his family. It sounds as if the entire bunch is having a massive denial fest at your expense. This guy is pretty sick with addictions and what sounds like serious depression. I think you've done everything you can to help him. Do you think you really want to be a friend to someone like this? He asked for your help, yet he refused serious addictions counseling or any sort of program. Maybe you should ask yourself why you still want to continue trying to be there for him. He certainly hasn't been there for you.
Late stage optimist
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 306
The short answer to your question: "you can't [be there as a friend]".
You said yourself you are co-dependent. I don't know if that is from working with a therapist or from attending Al Anon meetings, but that tells you all you need to know. His family is sick too. Same disease, different relationship to the person suffering the substance abuse disorder. If you can accept the fact that part of your sickness is that you think too much about what others think of you, and if you can remind yourself of that daily, then you might be able to free yourself from the attraction to trying to still be involved with the boyfriend on any level. In reality, the relationship is toast, not a big deal, you are not stupid, you just made a mistake on this one, and you have to move on.
The secret to your life being happy right now is learning to let go and forgive yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are. Next relationship you will hopefully have learned ahead of time how to make safer, healthier boundaries. That way this does not happen.
You cannot change other people. Or the past. Get one of Melodie Beattie's books and read it. Maybe get the daily reflections book so you can read a short meditation daily ("The Language of Letting Go" is the book I am thinking of).
You said yourself you are co-dependent. I don't know if that is from working with a therapist or from attending Al Anon meetings, but that tells you all you need to know. His family is sick too. Same disease, different relationship to the person suffering the substance abuse disorder. If you can accept the fact that part of your sickness is that you think too much about what others think of you, and if you can remind yourself of that daily, then you might be able to free yourself from the attraction to trying to still be involved with the boyfriend on any level. In reality, the relationship is toast, not a big deal, you are not stupid, you just made a mistake on this one, and you have to move on.
The secret to your life being happy right now is learning to let go and forgive yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are. Next relationship you will hopefully have learned ahead of time how to make safer, healthier boundaries. That way this does not happen.
You cannot change other people. Or the past. Get one of Melodie Beattie's books and read it. Maybe get the daily reflections book so you can read a short meditation daily ("The Language of Letting Go" is the book I am thinking of).
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I spent a long time taking other people's opinion to be my truth. Then one day I became strong enough to identify my own truth and suddenly what other people thought didn't seem to matter so much.
If someone insists that I have green hair, when I know full well it is brown, am I going to adopt their opinion in preference to my own?
As for the friends thing, I would be interested how you would define "friend" in this scenario. My definition of lots of things has changed significantly over the last few years as I have learned to be less black and white in my thinking.
Keep reading and posting - this is a great place to start asking some important questions of yourself and working your way towards the answers.
If someone insists that I have green hair, when I know full well it is brown, am I going to adopt their opinion in preference to my own?
As for the friends thing, I would be interested how you would define "friend" in this scenario. My definition of lots of things has changed significantly over the last few years as I have learned to be less black and white in my thinking.
Keep reading and posting - this is a great place to start asking some important questions of yourself and working your way towards the answers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by AllMyFault 
Its simply all my fault.
Now obviously I still care about him a great deal, but I am trying to figure out how I can be there for him as a friend without hurting myself more in the process.
Now obviously I still care about him a great deal, but I am trying to figure out how I can be there for him as a friend without hurting myself more in the process.
No, it's not your fault. I'm sitting here thinking about all my good, true friends. Not one of them would blame me for the troubles in their lives. If they were angry with me about something, they'd say so and we'd talk about it and move on. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why I believed AH was my friend when he would not afford me the same consideration.
Al-Anon, therapy, and educating myself from tons of reading has and continues to help me figure out why I took on the blame assigned by others and wanted to remain friends with those who assigned the unwarranted blame to me.
Keep posting and talking it out. Lots of great support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
welcome! unfortunatley, alcoholics hurt the people closest to them the most. if you play with the fire you will get burned.
i do think with proper detachment it is possible to be a friend and be supportive however.
as far as the family goes,well, i sat in complete disbelief when i confronted ah's parents about the abuse he had suffered as a child. they take no responsibility for it at all and said it was his fault because he was a difficult child. very sad really. ah was a child and they were the adults, yet, all the blame was being put on the child. if they were to admit today ah had a problem or take any responsibity for it-then it would mean that the "all perfect, do no wrong" parents failed. i don't believe they can look at themselves and face the consequences of their actions. they have to put the blame on someone else because they can't stand to look at themselves in the mirror knowing what they have done! they can't look me in the eye either.
i do think with proper detachment it is possible to be a friend and be supportive however.
as far as the family goes,well, i sat in complete disbelief when i confronted ah's parents about the abuse he had suffered as a child. they take no responsibility for it at all and said it was his fault because he was a difficult child. very sad really. ah was a child and they were the adults, yet, all the blame was being put on the child. if they were to admit today ah had a problem or take any responsibity for it-then it would mean that the "all perfect, do no wrong" parents failed. i don't believe they can look at themselves and face the consequences of their actions. they have to put the blame on someone else because they can't stand to look at themselves in the mirror knowing what they have done! they can't look me in the eye either.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Welcome to SR Allmyfault.
Listen sweetie....IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!
Please read all you can (here at SR and books) on the subject of alcoholism. When I first began to realize that my husband had a serious problem, I started to read all I could get my hands on, and it really helped me to understand what was going on with him and me.
He is not drinking because of you! ...remember the 3 C's:
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
I know that it is very difficult to be blamed by his family...but you know that they are full of sh*t. They are in total denial. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep yourself sane and healthy.
Keep us posted!
Listen sweetie....IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!
Please read all you can (here at SR and books) on the subject of alcoholism. When I first began to realize that my husband had a serious problem, I started to read all I could get my hands on, and it really helped me to understand what was going on with him and me.
He is not drinking because of you! ...remember the 3 C's:
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
I know that it is very difficult to be blamed by his family...but you know that they are full of sh*t. They are in total denial. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep yourself sane and healthy.
Keep us posted!
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