making molehills out of mountains
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Sask.
Posts: 64
making molehills out of mountains
My A did not come home Tuesday night. Last night when I finally did see him we got into it. I can't believe how he can believe he has done nothing wrong. I won't get into all the details about the arguement but I told him I can't take this anymore and if he doesn't leave than I will. He said he would, I said good. So now I'm wondering when and if he will actually go. I feel like just saying forget it because I can't stand the stress but I know if I don't stick to my word it's just going to happen again. Anyone else give in all the time and then wonder why you did?
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Been there, done that
Hi Summer
In a sense, they are playing off of us... We are PREDICTABLE. They know our reactions, and usually it works in their favor. For example: They go out (again) drinking / using; We yell, scream, cry and make ultimatums. This happens often enough that they ASSUME it will always be the same. THEY suffer no consequenses, so it works well for them. It's the "dance" we do.
I have only recently begun to see what happens when I stop playing MY part in the dance. The last time he used, I DID kick him out; I DID take away all access to our money; I DIDN'T let him use my car, my money etc. And eventually he hit a very hard bottom all on his OWN. Even now, with us back together, the dynamic of our relationship is so different. There were times when I would coddle him, take care of him, let him use me for money, sex... whatever! Just so I could be in control; I could keep this picture of our lives in order; and HE would be happy. I guess I thought if he was happy enough, he would WANT to get sober. Now, in these times, I take responsibility of only me (and the kids
). I have my own car, my own money, my own free time. If I don't want to do something I DON'T. Now, if he slips and falls... I WON'T be there cryin and picking up the pieces.
What a BIT*H I am!! :shades:
Meg
In a sense, they are playing off of us... We are PREDICTABLE. They know our reactions, and usually it works in their favor. For example: They go out (again) drinking / using; We yell, scream, cry and make ultimatums. This happens often enough that they ASSUME it will always be the same. THEY suffer no consequenses, so it works well for them. It's the "dance" we do.
I have only recently begun to see what happens when I stop playing MY part in the dance. The last time he used, I DID kick him out; I DID take away all access to our money; I DIDN'T let him use my car, my money etc. And eventually he hit a very hard bottom all on his OWN. Even now, with us back together, the dynamic of our relationship is so different. There were times when I would coddle him, take care of him, let him use me for money, sex... whatever! Just so I could be in control; I could keep this picture of our lives in order; and HE would be happy. I guess I thought if he was happy enough, he would WANT to get sober. Now, in these times, I take responsibility of only me (and the kids
). I have my own car, my own money, my own free time. If I don't want to do something I DON'T. Now, if he slips and falls... I WON'T be there cryin and picking up the pieces.What a BIT*H I am!! :shades:
Meg
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi Summer - ultimatums are tricky things because if we issue them and then don't back them up, it takes away our credibility and leaves us feeling powerless. It's so hard, though, when we are angry not to say things that we can't always follow through with.
You might want to take a look at the link to the post "Hooks which keep you in boudary-less relationships." This is a great thread and it may help you sort out some of your confusion. Boundaries are healthy, and very, very necessary when living with an addict. The link is in the "Al-Anon Power Posts" at the top of this forum.
You might want to take a look at the link to the post "Hooks which keep you in boudary-less relationships." This is a great thread and it may help you sort out some of your confusion. Boundaries are healthy, and very, very necessary when living with an addict. The link is in the "Al-Anon Power Posts" at the top of this forum.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Reading, PA
Posts: 24
I have "threatened" in a nice little way so many times that it just becomes habit, that finally when I did mean "that I wasn't living like this anymore", I was not taken seriously. I have learned that empty ultimatums only make me feel worse. It's been 2 days for me since I "let go", and I already feel better about me.
The fight may be hard but you are worth it....:wink2:
The fight may be hard but you are worth it....:wink2:
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 31
Hi Summer...
Same situation here...each time my A pulls that stunt I usually kick him out and he takes advantage of it for 2-3 days and then trys to work back in the door. This time I have stood my ground and this is the longest we have been apart. He still calls daily and trys to act like nothing is wrong. Yesterday we met for lunch and he said he was tired and for me to give him the house keys so he could go home and lay down. I thought to myself..."where have you been lately". He is starting to sober up for now and when that happens he tends to forget everything that has just happened. He acts as if he's done nothing wrong. As everyone here says...set boundaries. Easier said than done I know but it can happen. Main thing is to focus on yourself. I am just learning to do that and do have set-backs every now and then. I just keep coming back to this forum and it gives me the courage and strength to do the things that are right for me. Best to you as I hope life leads you down the path you want.
Same situation here...each time my A pulls that stunt I usually kick him out and he takes advantage of it for 2-3 days and then trys to work back in the door. This time I have stood my ground and this is the longest we have been apart. He still calls daily and trys to act like nothing is wrong. Yesterday we met for lunch and he said he was tired and for me to give him the house keys so he could go home and lay down. I thought to myself..."where have you been lately". He is starting to sober up for now and when that happens he tends to forget everything that has just happened. He acts as if he's done nothing wrong. As everyone here says...set boundaries. Easier said than done I know but it can happen. Main thing is to focus on yourself. I am just learning to do that and do have set-backs every now and then. I just keep coming back to this forum and it gives me the courage and strength to do the things that are right for me. Best to you as I hope life leads you down the path you want.
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