dixied

Friends,

My son who is trying to come back from a recent relapse got a job that started this past Monday. Due to what he did the wife has the car since it's in her name. Therefore some AA members provided him with a bike to go to work. he bikes five miles to work. Anyway, yesterday he was one hour late because he had a flat. How do i know/ Because his boss called my dh and said "What's up? You step-son says he doesn't have a battery for his car and once he gets that he'll come to work in his car." He continues on by saying that maybe he'll "advance" him the money because it might help. Now see, son has told this cover up and we are dragged in all of this again. So this is what my dh said. He said son was a good worker but sometimes disoriented and needed help with follow through. The boss agreed. The dh said....."Regarding the battery and an advance that would not help because he wife asked him to leave the home and the car remains with her and that is why he doesn't have a vehicle. He then excused himself (dh) by saying a customer came to our business.
So if son misrepresented his situation is he working the steps?
And I think my husband told and answered every question but did not volunteer more than was asked.......So see......we still get sucked in......does it ever end? dixied

marle

Maybe the next time it happens, you need to tell his boss that your son is an adult and has the right to privacy, which means that the boss does not need to discuss it with you or your husband. This happened to me last summer. My daughter's work place called me instead of calling my daughter's cell. They told me she was fired because she was a no show. I called the boss of the restaurant and told him that his employee gave me too much information that should have been between my daughter and that employee. Even if they are an addict, they deserve the privacy. Hugs, Marle

parentrecovers

alcoholics/addicts really complicate things, don't they? i'm sorry, dixied. i hope things are better for you today. blessings, k

caileesnana

I don't know what I would have done. Be glad he is working and continue to try. Progress, not perfection.
in my prayers,
susan

CatsPajamas

I've had to do this as well, when a bill collector called my house and got aggressive with ME over a bill my son owed. I told them in a very straightforward way that "my son does not live here, I have given you my son's phone number more than once, and I am not the person who owes you the money. Don't call me about this again, as it does not involve me."

In earlier times I remember saying "I don't know, you'll have to ask him." A LOT.

And Dixied, I say this with love... but whether or not he's working the steps is his business too. The best you can do is step back, and allow him to succeed or fail at his own pace.... maybe you can find a face to face meeting or 2 for yourself and hubby. Al Anon saved my life!

Hugs
Cats

Elana

Yes, they do.

More importantly, YOU need the privacy as well.

I don't think lying for any reason is any reason to lie.

(((Hugs)))

dixied

thanks for all of the replies. we are trying to stand strong and stay out of everything. howver my brother did take him an iron and ironing board as he is trying to keep his job and his clothes must be ironed. Today is payday so we'll see what happens...........dixie

hope213

why in the world would they call your husband about a grown man & how he is getting to work to start with? that would have been my question.this is his recovery & his job.

MeggieStar

I agree with the above.

The job should not call you or your husband regarding your son. If they called again, you could simply say, "I'm sorry I don't know about that situation, you'd probably want to discuss that with him when he comes in."

It's not up to you or husband to tell boss about son's issues, if he lies eventually he will have to own up to it. My AH's boss called me several times last month to check on how my AH was doing (in rehab). All I ever said was, "as far as I know, he's fine."

Please try not to project or awfulize about your son's actions. "If he's doing this...does this mean he's not working his steps?" Well, there is no answer for that really. If someone were to say "NO he's not working the steps," then would you HAVE to do something? No...there's nothing you COULD do even if you wanted to! Same goes if someone says "YES he IS working the steps."

I know it's hard to watch them struggle. My heart goes out to you.

dixied

I guess the boss called my dh because our son formerly worked for us. Therefore he was probaly wondering if my husband would offer any info. His first question was "What kind of guy is he, and what is going on with the bicycle for transportation?' That's exactly what he asked my husband.

And another question........do you think it was interferring with his recovery for my brother to provide him with an iron and ironing board? I just want to know that if someone would please give me their opinion. my thanks..........dixie

GretaG

Why is his boss calling HIS PARENTS?

Completely inappropriate!

My dh is a boss. He would NEVER do that.

Nevermind. See this has already been asked.

kj0975

I dont think an ironing board and an iron would hurt his recovery he needed it for his job and I know for me when I look nice I feel good. I'm sure it makes him feel better that his clothes arent all wrinkled and such. I dont think I would have offered any more info about why he rides a bike your son was probably embarassed as to why he is riding a bike in the first place and when asked that was the first thing that came to his mind. I think he is doing the best he can he is making a true effort and biking to work is more than an effort than most people I know who arent addicts so he should get kuddos for that.

If his boss should call again I would just say ask my son. That way u are not involved he must be fond of your son to even think about giving him an advance for a battery when he is so new to the company. I just hope he doesnt approach your son about what your husband said as I'm sure he would be upset and embarassed. Yes he worked for your u in the past but if it was any other employee that wasnt your son would u have given all that info out? Probably not there are laws that protect people from that happening.

mooselips

Yep, I agree, you need to stay out of the middle.
Easy to say, sometimes hard to do....


Let me just share this page from "The Language of Letting Go"

"I don't want to get in the middle, but...." is a sign that we may have just stepped in the middle.
We do not have to get caught in the middle of others people's issues, problems, or communication. We can let others take responsibilty for themselves in their relationships......
Do not get in the middle unless you want to be there.
by Melody Beattie



Hugs,

MeggieStar

That boss's actions were inappropriate. You don't call someone's parents for a "reference" because he worked for them.

Like I said before, there is no shame in riding a bike to work with gas prices the way they are.

And no, I don't think an ironing board is bad for his recovery or whatnot. What is bad for an addicts and codies recoveries is when a codie begins to provide things that make us feel resentful...money, cover stories, etc. Each situation is different. Some people will buy their addicts groceries, others have been burned by that and will not. Sometimes I give my AH five dollars for snacks, other times if I feel pressed for money myself, I won't. It's about what YOU can handle, what YOU can live with HAPPILY and without feeling guilted into it.

I wouldn't go buying an addict an IPod or anything like that, but it's just an iron...

marle

If your son is working then an iron and an ironing board is not enabling. It is helping. If my daughter were to even try to get herself together I would do that much for her. Now if your brother were washing and ironing his clothes for him, that is another matter Hugs, Marle

laketime

i agree with marle, on his job privacy and recovery as ann says "hands off the addict"

greeteachday

Dixied, I know you are concerned about your son, but I found that when I analyzed everything with my child to see if that sounded like she was practicing a program, or looked at others actions, I just made myself sicker. I think I was worse for awhile when she was clean than i was when she used. I wanted to control her recovery and make sure it was "right." It doesn't work that way. It wasn't until I decided it was her deal and her opportunity, not mine, to take a shot and I focused only on me that I found some relief. I had to do that one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Hugs

CatsPajamas

Marle, you really hit on something here. THATS the difference between helping and enabling.

Giving someone an iron, or access to an iron when he needs it? That's helping in my book. Ironing his clothes , or worse yet critiquing how HE ironed them and then saying "Here, let ME iron them because I can do it better than you can..." that's enabling.

Taken from my new book "How to Be a Codie, by CatsPajamas"

dixied

thanks so much for all of the good suggestions. I really am thankful for each and every one of them and some issues i see more clearly. My brother just called and posed this question to me.....he asked if maybe it would be okay to get my son an inflatible air mattress since when he went over to see him last night he was sleeping on the floor with a sheet and blanket underneath. He said he is working and going to meetings every night.....and that he is trying. I told him i didn't know about a mattress.......isn't sleeping on the floor dealing with life on life's terms? See, I am thinking that might not be the thing to do.......any ideas would be appreciqated.....dixie

mooselips

I can use a copy of that book,
if you please.....Cats....