VVV

This is surreal, can't believe I'm doing this. AH came home last night bellowing around 1am ... kids are sleeping, have final exams in the morning ... and I told him to LEAVE ... or I would -- with the kids. HE ACTUALLY LEFT!! He walked (well, stumbled) to his car, then walked back and tried the door -- locked! He has a key but was apparently unable to manage finding it and getting it in that tiny hole. So he went to the bedroom window and started bellowing again about how unfair this was, blah, blah, blah ... to which I said he must LEAVE or I'll call the police. Not sure why I said that, but it worked -- stunned him, I think.

So, I actually stuck to my new "boundaries" ... which I never actually shared with him, but then again, he knows what I want, so no real news. I'm proud of myself for getting him to leave ... but then I felt like I had to be "on guard" all night, waiting for him to come back and do something stupid like try to break in! NOT a restful night. And I thought, THIS IS INSANE. I've been noodling how to get out of this, and I still don't have the answer, but I realized that SOMEHOW THIS HAS TO STOP.

So, this morning I called a friend of mine who works at Friend of the Court, and got a few attorney names/numbers. One was able to meet with me this afternoon, so I got some info on this nasty process. One big hurdle is that 6-month waiting period here in Michigan. How can I live here with him, once he knows I'm filing for divorce?? That is REALLY insane. But the atty. said if conditions are unhealthy for the kids this requirement could be waived ... do any of you have any experience with this? Did you have to live with your A for six months while waiting for divorce?

Naturally, when I talked with AH on the phone today he was furious about last night ... and I told him I wasn't going to live this way anymore, filing for the D. And you'll never guess what he said then ... "I'll never have another drink! I didn't know what a big deal this was to you. It's no big deal for me to quit ... I'll quit right now, forever!"

So I told him to do whatever he wanted to do with his life, that I was going to do what I needed to do.

So ... now what is the question. I could file, knowing the most likely outcome here, but that will require money, of which I am pitifully devoid of. IF he did quit drinking (and he HAS done it before, for as long as a year), life could be sweet ... and I'll be out the retainer for the atty (which I can ill afford). I had hoped to keep things on a even keel here for two more years until my two daughters are in college. If he could quit drinking, we could do that.

Or am I just endlessly, ridiculously optimistic in a hopeless situation?

Cynay

I know how hard it is to make that decision.... I had to be in alot of pain before I stopped it.

You know though, you dont have to file for the divorce to stop the insanity in the home.... maybe suggest a seperation and watch his actions to see if he will change.... One never knows what their bottom is .... well for that matter I did not know what mine was either till I hit it.

Im so proud you stick to your boundaries though.... congrads to you for that.

loveRoy

If--if I had a dollar for everytime I started a sentence with that word life would really be sweet. I know what it is like to want him to stop drinking. There is nothing I would not have done to get my AH to quit. But, nothing worked. Maybe for you it will. I am glad that you found this board. It is a safe place filled with wise people. Protect those final exams! They are priceless. Again, welcome.

kglast

welcome VVV....good for you for sticking to your boundaries...i know it is tough. take your time and think things through ( i know, i know...like you haven't already ) and you will know what is right for you to do....

as far as hoping he can quit - who knows....there is always hope....can you handle the waiting and hoping there is not another relapse???

(((()))))

elizabeth1979

VVV,

I like the way your talking it out.
Something that helped me, was remembering, or I guess realizing, that I didnt have to make any long term decisions I wasnt ready to make. Im not saying you arent ready, but can you separate and see how you feel after a few months?
See how his recovery (or lack of) goes? Talk it out with a therapist over a few months, and commit only to doing whats best for you and your kids?

I moved out and didnt feel ready to legally untangle myself for months.
It was the best thing I could have done for myself at the time.
That way, no retainer lost?