Free At Last

On Sunday I finally lost it!!!! We went out Saturday with some friends after this supposed break up. We were still talking and he said he was still there and still trying. The "he" is the boyfriend with 11 yrs sobriety. Sometimes I wonder when the positive behavior starts. Anyway, So a friend and I went by and invited him out he said maybe possibly. Went by later to get him and all was fine. He was a little distant at first but everything was all but normal again as the evening went on. We went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and he was all mad again. I am not just jumping back into this he said. I said I understand things have been said and we need to take it slow. But I will not wait on the side while you decide if we are going to be together or not. He did this to me a year ago. and me not knowing waited and waited until I found this forum and went with the VERY DIFFICULT decision of no contact. He came back with everything I wanted to hear. But I payed dearly for it waiting on him. It took my leaving. Now here I am again. On Sunday he would not own anything I stood up and owned what I had done. He just kpt saying it wsa me I did this blah blah blah. I cried and actually begged at some point please do not do this to me. I lost it and everything I had learned on this forum. He just stoof there stone faced you did this go get some help. I broke a picture screamed and cried. Yes I know bad idea but need to be honest about me. He threatned to call the police get out he said. I went to my aunts house hysterical and stayed there for the night. He started calling at 7:30 the next morning blowing up my phone where are you wake up are you ok. Text message wake up iw ant to talk. He called my work came by my work. I finally called what could you possibly have to say. he said he came by my house and I wasnt there. Where was I. I told him are you serious it is none of your concern where I was. He said He was worried about me because I was so upset. Oh please I could have been dead 7 30 the next morning He did not call all night He said he had not slept at all He came over to talk to me to tell me he wanted to make sure he had not made a mistake. He was sorry he does this to everyone he pushes them away so he won't get hurt. he said I make you walk on egg shells and that was not fair to you or this relationship I am sorry I overreacted. I said well at least you are consistent so long as you push everyone away they cannot hurt you right? Sounds like a great plan. he said he had called his sponsor. I set an appt to see a psych he does know that. He saod I put you before recovery and I cant do that. &*^%#(* He gets over the meetings because of the amount of years he has and stops going and then when it all falls apart he goes back and I have to go away so he can work on him. How many times do i have to go away. My daughter adores him and is 7 He did this to me before and I came back and let him into my daughters life. Now what do i say. He tells me he just cannot jump into it. I said I agree but we are not just going to stop having conact and then wait for you to call when you are ready. I mean three weeks ago we were getting married in the next year. I explained in a relationship or a marriage I do not kow what life will throw at us. But we cannot leave eachother everytime things get rough and tell me to go away. He said he would call me later he was paying for lunch. I called back 4 hours later he sent a text saying he had to work and play the game because he is in trouble at work because he has been calling out over us having broken up. i waited as usual and no call. And no call all day today. i did find out today he was going to get fired the other day and his job is very much on the line. But I am not telling him.. Why because he called not!!!! Do I actualy answer when he calls? Do I keep doing this. Everytime it gets rough I have to go sit and wait for him to be better. All I can think of is my daughter and if we got married I cannot explain to my daughter we cannt see him or we have to go away because he is not ok. Why is it when you see this glimpse of them and who they are you fall madly deeply. I was so cautius and checked through all of this. he was doing great. His job is STRESS STRESS STRESS and so I see how he got here. But what in the world. It is a cycle it never ends same thing as before he does not trust me it is my fault HELP HELP I feel like there has to be some hope for as far as we have come but I at the same time I cannot help but to see the pattern.

prodigal

It appears as if you are involved in the drama again. From what I'm reading, it sounds as if you spent the night with him after getting together on Saturday. I'm glad you're being honest about what happened and it sounds as if you have a pretty good handle on your role in this situation. This is the same old, same old. He moves away, you dance towards him. He rejects you. You move away, he dances towards you. Suffice it to say, this is the Dance of Death.

Getting emotional or downright hysterical plays right into his hand. Now he can blame you for being nuts, he can push all your buttons, and he can sit back and feel as if he's in control while you're falling apart.

Don't beat up on yourself. You made a mistake, but it sounds like you learned something from it. No, you don't answer his calls, you don't try to talk it over, you don't drive past his house, you don't call him and hang up, etc., etc., etc. No matter how painful, you break off all contact. Period. Your post contains a lot about him as it relates to you. I think it's time for you to relate to YOU and to remove him from the equation.

denny57

Free, how far have you come (as a couple)? I know from the beginning of my relationship with AH (when we broke up a couple times) that the sex can certainly confuse the issue. I think I understood you to say you have made a psych appointment. Therapy has been extremely valuable to me.

Don't beat yourself up over this incident; take care of YOU.

kglast

((((free)))) thinking of you....this is exactly what i am afraid of...(well, ok, one of the things...)...no advice...just lots of (()) you said you see the pattern...there you go....

Free At Last

K-

Thank you for your kind words

God Bless

Free At Last

Free, how far have you come (as a couple)?

I thought very far. But it seems we both have to believe that. he is so lost all over again. I do not know what he believes He finally sent a text saying he ent to slepp last night and was crazy busy at work and now he was at a meeting. I guess i am glad he is at a meeting. But this is where it all starts again. AA will consume him because he lost himelf again. And he will back away until he says it is ok. All the while making sure I am waiting on him. Unreal !!!!!!!!!! I just don't think I can wait again. My heart loves him so much and my mid wants to run away screaming. I truly thought we included recovery in how far we had come. We had built a base and grew together with support and love and respect. and POOF gone!!!!

kglast

((((Free)))) You deserve more than that...you deserve someone who can be there for you ALL of the time, not just when it is convenient for him...

aztchr

Kglast,
I so needed to read your statement! Thank you!!

hopeangel

hi free, i was involved with someone who "did the dance" so i know how hard that can be. i'm sorry.

it sounds like you feel you are losing control of yourself and your emotions, so getting help with that will really help you. have you went to alanon? this could really help you. then you will have your own program to work while he works his.

as for him, it sounds like he may be choosing to put his recovery first and AA first, which is what a recovery alcoholic needs to do. there is not a magic cure for alcoholism -it is a life long recovery and if he does not work it he will not stay sober. he may feel he has to choose between that and you. if he is going to stay sober the reality is recovery must come first and he must do what he needs to do for himself.

so, you must ask yourself if this is something that is acceptable to you? can you be supportive and understand that recovery will come first?

mallowcup

He's probably confused about what it is you want from him. Nothig had changed yet you asked him out and then spent the night with him as if to imply you had accepted his terms. In the morning, it sounds like you assumed he had accepted his terms and he assumed you had accepted his. You said you went out, where?

Free At Last

I just wrote this great response and cannot type it all out again I will check back in later Glod bless