not sure what I need
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
not sure what I need
I know how far I've come within this past year, moved out last year to stay with family, sold the house last June, and have been in my apartment for 4 months now.
It was difficult all along the way, but I survived and learned to put myself first and work on my own issues.
Lately, though (and maybe because I have more time on my hands out of school)
I'm analyzing all of my choices again. Some nights I'm fine, then it'll all overwhelm me again. I look around my empty apartment and yes, the peace is nice, but also deafening. I feel like I keep faking it, but it doesn't feel better. I'm trying to trust that I made the right decision. What signs did you get that helped you truly know?
I'm not sure what I need right now. Maybe someone else does.
It was difficult all along the way, but I survived and learned to put myself first and work on my own issues.
Lately, though (and maybe because I have more time on my hands out of school)
I'm analyzing all of my choices again. Some nights I'm fine, then it'll all overwhelm me again. I look around my empty apartment and yes, the peace is nice, but also deafening. I feel like I keep faking it, but it doesn't feel better. I'm trying to trust that I made the right decision. What signs did you get that helped you truly know?
I'm not sure what I need right now. Maybe someone else does.
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
I have been feeling very much the same as you. I am alone and he is in jail and when we do talk it isn't pleasant but this is my time to think. I think of the goods and the bads. I remind myself of how I felt when he would pull his bad stuff. The sick stomach, not sleeping, wondering where he was, questioning myself, walking on egg shells, fear, anger, hurt. I try to cherish the good stuff and remember that even if he isn't with me, he doesn't forget me either. I tell myself that if I am in his life we are not healthy for each other. That keeps me from feeling selfish.
What really gets me through is thinking about what life will be like 10, 20, 30 years from now. It hasn't gotten better in this many so I can't imagine it will get better in that many and I don't want to risk it. I don't want to live that life anymore, I can't. Because in that life his drinking was first, never me. Even when I was queen for a day it was for a day and only because so many prior days had been ruined.
Life does get better. I have a friend that reminds me what normal is. He is healthy, he takes complete care of himself and his kids. He makes good decisions and I don't have to worry about him being stupid. I don't have to remind him of consequences. He lives a life that I thought I would when I grew up. He is accountable, dependable, when he says he'll so something he does it. When he says he is sorry he means it, he gives as much as he takes.
Men really do exist like that. The more I get used to that the harder it is to think of ever living an alcohol soaked life. That is what gets me by.
Also, TV. TV lets my brain melt and think about something else. Hang in there honey. I don't know if I helped or not.
What really gets me through is thinking about what life will be like 10, 20, 30 years from now. It hasn't gotten better in this many so I can't imagine it will get better in that many and I don't want to risk it. I don't want to live that life anymore, I can't. Because in that life his drinking was first, never me. Even when I was queen for a day it was for a day and only because so many prior days had been ruined.
Life does get better. I have a friend that reminds me what normal is. He is healthy, he takes complete care of himself and his kids. He makes good decisions and I don't have to worry about him being stupid. I don't have to remind him of consequences. He lives a life that I thought I would when I grew up. He is accountable, dependable, when he says he'll so something he does it. When he says he is sorry he means it, he gives as much as he takes.
Men really do exist like that. The more I get used to that the harder it is to think of ever living an alcohol soaked life. That is what gets me by.
Also, TV. TV lets my brain melt and think about something else. Hang in there honey. I don't know if I helped or not.
Last edited by Bjen; 06-11-2007 at 11:01 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: northeastern California
Posts: 80
In my recovery, I've found that sobriety may not always feel GOOD, but it does feel RIGHT.
I've learned that good things don't always come easy on the road to recovery, but the mental bumps and bruises along the way have increased my strength and courage to keep on keeping on! And it keeps getting better and better, according to how much effort I put into sober living..
I know I'm never alone and that I never have to be bored.... I can always pick up the phone and call someone, or go visit someone, who may be hurting or in need of a comforting word... or a smile.
Just thought I'd share my joyous sobriety with you. I wish you the best.
Luv
I've learned that good things don't always come easy on the road to recovery, but the mental bumps and bruises along the way have increased my strength and courage to keep on keeping on! And it keeps getting better and better, according to how much effort I put into sober living..
I know I'm never alone and that I never have to be bored.... I can always pick up the phone and call someone, or go visit someone, who may be hurting or in need of a comforting word... or a smile.
Just thought I'd share my joyous sobriety with you. I wish you the best.
Luv
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Thanks, Bjen. It does help to know others can relate. I'm fortunate for many things I realized sooner than later. It still hurts to think he may feel that I abandoned him, especially if he ever decides to get help. Again, this is all me projecting and I know he can only help himself. He never said much, except do what you have to do. So...here I am.
I know these feelings are temporary. They come and go for a purpose. The lesson being taught now is not to reach out to him during a weak/emotional moment. Having this urge to check on him doesn't help me. If he ever decides to get help and I'm suposed to know, then I'll know. Until then, I need to stay out of my own way and just ride the waves for awhile.
Guess I was feeling a little guilty of my new life and had to self-sabotage for some reason. Fear of letting go completely, maybe? Almost as if I close the door forever, the final ties will be broken and I'll have lost again. I'm wanting a great recovery love story, too. I know it's possible. I read about it and continue to hope.
I know these feelings are temporary. They come and go for a purpose. The lesson being taught now is not to reach out to him during a weak/emotional moment. Having this urge to check on him doesn't help me. If he ever decides to get help and I'm suposed to know, then I'll know. Until then, I need to stay out of my own way and just ride the waves for awhile.
Guess I was feeling a little guilty of my new life and had to self-sabotage for some reason. Fear of letting go completely, maybe? Almost as if I close the door forever, the final ties will be broken and I'll have lost again. I'm wanting a great recovery love story, too. I know it's possible. I read about it and continue to hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 30
I think I am beginning to see some light...
Hi there,
Well it has been 4 months for me, and I really know what you mean about those moments of weakness! I can't get it- how logically I know that there is nothing there for me, there is no chance for us unless he is sober for at least a year. He doesn't even say he wants to get sober! And I still think of this speck of a chance on the beach of life! It's ridiculous! But after 14 years, I guess I am a codie, and i need to break my own cycle!
I think you just need to take it one day at a time, keep busy, and put one foot in front of the other. As time goes on your addiction to him will lessen, and it will become easier and easier to let him go, and discover your own freedom, what makes you happy, and you will realize how great it feels to be out of that mess! (At least I hope so, because that is what I keep telling myself!)
Good luck to you, and remember, in this case, try to let your brain speak to your heart, not the other way around!
Well it has been 4 months for me, and I really know what you mean about those moments of weakness! I can't get it- how logically I know that there is nothing there for me, there is no chance for us unless he is sober for at least a year. He doesn't even say he wants to get sober! And I still think of this speck of a chance on the beach of life! It's ridiculous! But after 14 years, I guess I am a codie, and i need to break my own cycle!
I think you just need to take it one day at a time, keep busy, and put one foot in front of the other. As time goes on your addiction to him will lessen, and it will become easier and easier to let him go, and discover your own freedom, what makes you happy, and you will realize how great it feels to be out of that mess! (At least I hope so, because that is what I keep telling myself!)
Good luck to you, and remember, in this case, try to let your brain speak to your heart, not the other way around!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hey azt, think of all you have been through in the last year. that is a lot A LOTof adjustments and changes and had to be hard work to get all done too.
you used to have the drama and now there is none
i think you are just feeling things settling down and that feels strange to you. kinda of like, okay, what now?
well, i'm sure you will figure out what's next for you, but in the mean time, it's okay to just be
... in the peace and quiet you will find growth.
you used to have the drama and now there is none
i think you are just feeling things settling down and that feels strange to you. kinda of like, okay, what now? well, i'm sure you will figure out what's next for you, but in the mean time, it's okay to just be
... in the peace and quiet you will find growth.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi azzie!!!
oh, how well i know these feelings you described.
the signs???? there were no magic moments for me.....just real hard, gut wrenching lessons that i learned the real hard way. the healing was so gradual, and at times felt so damned foreign that i felt, too, that i was sick of faking it till i made it.
but i just kept doing what was working for me. everyday just going about my business, making myself put one foot in front of the other. every night i went to bed broken hearted, and hating everyone that was telling me to enjoy the little moments in life. hells fire.....i didn't even know what a little moment was!!!!!
gradually, i began to think less, and less of how much i hurt inside, began to think less and less of my xh,.....although i still think of him everyday.....at least he is not occupying every second of every day like i used to let happen.
awww azzie, i know it is hard. damn. but we eventually get there, honestly we do, if we just keep trying to do the right thing for ourselves.
oh, how well i know these feelings you described.
the signs???? there were no magic moments for me.....just real hard, gut wrenching lessons that i learned the real hard way. the healing was so gradual, and at times felt so damned foreign that i felt, too, that i was sick of faking it till i made it.
but i just kept doing what was working for me. everyday just going about my business, making myself put one foot in front of the other. every night i went to bed broken hearted, and hating everyone that was telling me to enjoy the little moments in life. hells fire.....i didn't even know what a little moment was!!!!!
gradually, i began to think less, and less of how much i hurt inside, began to think less and less of my xh,.....although i still think of him everyday.....at least he is not occupying every second of every day like i used to let happen.
awww azzie, i know it is hard. damn. but we eventually get there, honestly we do, if we just keep trying to do the right thing for ourselves.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by aztchr 
Some nights I'm fine, then it'll all overwhelm me again. I look around my empty apartment and yes, the peace is nice, but also deafening. I feel like I keep faking it, but it doesn't feel better. I'm trying to trust that I made the right decision. What signs did you get that helped you truly know?
What helps me the most is having faith and trust that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in my recovery, all my needs are being met by a higher power, and I also remember that every speed bump I've hit has passed, there's always something good waiting for me on the other side.
As far as signs, I find them in the smallest treasures in life. The smiles from my children, hugs from friends, the sound of rain, waking up holding someone, the sounds of laughter and happiness at an AA meeting. It's these little things that remind that life is still moving along, I have the choice to be stuck or to move along with it.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
I posted just a couple of months ago that since my AH left our home, I also found the peace and quiet in our home "deafening". Chaos was my comfort zone. I don't know exactly when it happened, but sometime in the past few weeks I have settled into my own and become very comfortable by myself in MY house and find comfort in the peace. I come and go as I please and do not worry what I will find on the other side of the door when I come home. I still have my moments of doubt about my situation, but those pass. And when I'm feeling particularly down, I just watch Wedding Crashers and laugh my ass off. I just love Vince Vaughn.
You're doing great and I never thought I'd believe it, but it does get better with time and the pain does subside.
You're doing great and I never thought I'd believe it, but it does get better with time and the pain does subside.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
the peace is nice, but also deafening.
Tell yourself a joke and laugh at it, fixed yourself a special dinner and sit with candles and the fine china and discuss your day, put candles in the bathroom with soft music and a good book and ask yourself outloud what scent you want the bubble bath to be.
When I found myself where you are now ... I felt it was God introducing me to myself.... taking all distractions away (including my daughter) .... maybe it is just time for a reintroduction?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Something my Mom used to say to me, "be careful what you ask for, you might get it"
What I get from that? Things in life are not always as they appear, or how you think they'll turn out.
I get lonely too. I LOVE my alone time, the peace and sanctuary of my island, but don't want it to turn into a cave. The constant back and forth about asking for peace and actually getting it,,,the very real possibility of finding, and staying on that pity pot again.
I don't know the answer aztchr. What I do know, its about "balance". Its ok to be happy for getting what you want, but mourning what you lost. The somewhere in the middle is exciting and still to be discovered. this is where you get to "define" and learn about YOU, and what you want in your life moving FORWARD. Not staying "stuck" with the ring around your arse on the pot.
What signs? Well, the first one is not expecting anyone else to define what I need. Looking deep into my core and finding it myself. And yes, sometimes I'm not into it, or struggle with the answer. Guess what? Maybe it simply isn't time for me to HAVE an answer yet. Maybe I need to keep going with my head down and plowing forward. Trust in my spirits (hp) lets me know I made the RIGHT decision for me, and the rest will follow if I keep myself open and honest.
In the meantime, I get off the pot and stop WORRYING about it,,,
What are you doing with all your FREE time now,,?You can "analyze" when you go back to school
Peace
What I get from that? Things in life are not always as they appear, or how you think they'll turn out.
I get lonely too. I LOVE my alone time, the peace and sanctuary of my island, but don't want it to turn into a cave. The constant back and forth about asking for peace and actually getting it,,,the very real possibility of finding, and staying on that pity pot again.
I don't know the answer aztchr. What I do know, its about "balance". Its ok to be happy for getting what you want, but mourning what you lost. The somewhere in the middle is exciting and still to be discovered. this is where you get to "define" and learn about YOU, and what you want in your life moving FORWARD. Not staying "stuck" with the ring around your arse on the pot.
What signs? Well, the first one is not expecting anyone else to define what I need. Looking deep into my core and finding it myself. And yes, sometimes I'm not into it, or struggle with the answer. Guess what? Maybe it simply isn't time for me to HAVE an answer yet. Maybe I need to keep going with my head down and plowing forward. Trust in my spirits (hp) lets me know I made the RIGHT decision for me, and the rest will follow if I keep myself open and honest.
In the meantime, I get off the pot and stop WORRYING about it,,,
What are you doing with all your FREE time now,,?
You can "analyze" when you go back to school Peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Thank you, everyone! That's why I keep posting when I have those moments.
I really take all of your replies to heart and do apply many of the suggestions.
I think I just needed to hear again that I'm doing the right thing.
Today is a new day!
With my free time, I'm catching up on t.v, movies, enjoying the pool, and just doing whatever I want. Sometimes I don't always know what that is. I am meeting up with some friends from work this week for lunch. I do have a few workshops and trainings to attend for school, and I'm working on new lesson plans, ideas for next year. I browse the bookstores a lot, too. I also went to a free concert at one of our parks with my aunt and cousin.
I am staying busy throughout the day. The nights are still hard unless I'm exhausted. That's when the feelings set in.
I really take all of your replies to heart and do apply many of the suggestions.
I think I just needed to hear again that I'm doing the right thing.
Today is a new day!
With my free time, I'm catching up on t.v, movies, enjoying the pool, and just doing whatever I want. Sometimes I don't always know what that is. I am meeting up with some friends from work this week for lunch. I do have a few workshops and trainings to attend for school, and I'm working on new lesson plans, ideas for next year. I browse the bookstores a lot, too. I also went to a free concert at one of our parks with my aunt and cousin.
I am staying busy throughout the day. The nights are still hard unless I'm exhausted. That's when the feelings set in.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by hopeangel
hey azt, think of all you have been through in the last year. that is a lot A LOTof adjustments and changes and had to be hard work to get all done too.
you used to have the drama and now there is none i think you are just feeling things settling down and that feels strange to you. kinda of like, okay, what now?
you used to have the drama and now there is none
i think you are just feeling things settling down and that feels strange to you. kinda of like, okay, what now? Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by aztchr
The nights are still hard unless I'm exhausted. That's when the feelings set in.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
(((AZTCHR))) It will be 8 weeks Saturday since I have seen my XAF....I feel much the same way that you do....struggle with feeling like I abandoned him....what if he gets sober and I am not there to support him...but like you said, if that is happening, and I am supposed to know, I will.
You are not alone with these feelings - many of us are struggling right along with you...you are not alone...keep posting and let us know how you are doing....(())
You are not alone with these feelings - many of us are struggling right along with you...you are not alone...keep posting and let us know how you are doing....(())
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
There's no Aha moment. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. It takes lots of time. I've been out for a year and a half now. At first it was very hard and lonely because I didn't have my dogs with me and no garden to distract me. So I moved again to where I could have both, the dogs do their darndest to keep me busy, and I go to Alanon meetings and I just sit and veg out a lot. Very relaxing.
When the quiet gets deafening I turn on the stereo! or call a friend.
I was told it takes two years to get back to normal. You're going through the hard part now, it really does get easier. I was advised to do something new to make my new living quarters MINE. something that didn't come from his house. I bought new artwork to fit the new walls, and took new photos of the dogs. And, I have everything arranges just how I want it! not him.
When I really knew I'd made the right choice was when his parents moved in with him to take care of him. He's 50 years old!!!! and he got so much 'better' once I was gone and they were in. Pah! who needs THAT??
When the quiet gets deafening I turn on the stereo! or call a friend.
I was told it takes two years to get back to normal. You're going through the hard part now, it really does get easier. I was advised to do something new to make my new living quarters MINE. something that didn't come from his house. I bought new artwork to fit the new walls, and took new photos of the dogs. And, I have everything arranges just how I want it! not him.
When I really knew I'd made the right choice was when his parents moved in with him to take care of him. He's 50 years old!!!! and he got so much 'better' once I was gone and they were in. Pah! who needs THAT??
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