StandingStrong

I married the man that is now my ex-husband.

We seperated 3 years ago - and this is the first year that this day has come that I am no longer married to him.

It's an odd thing to know where I was last year at this time - in my frame of mind. I am amazed really, to say the least.

I didn't have any sad feelings, nor did I second guess myself. I didn't feel anything of the negative sort.

Yes, it went through my mind after I realized the date and at one point I looked at the time and thought "where was I 19 years ago at this time?" and I remembered....We were at a reception that a friend of xah's had for us. It was more like a party (that was held after the wedding reception). I was sick that day and I went inside and fell asleep on the couch while xah and everyone stayed outside and partied. I remember that I felt sad, disappointed, and hurt. It was my wedding day and I lay alone on a couch while everyone else was "celebrating" our marriage. Hmm........ He did come check on me a few times (which I recall he pointed out to me over the years when this subject would come up) but felt that he should spend some time with his friends since they had this party for us (yea, right, it wasn't "for us", it was just another excuse to party).
I also recall asking him to not drink before our wedding. (Hmm.....I guess I was seeing the red flags) He had a few - and the Best Man took the blame saying it was his idea, a bonding type of thing.
I also recall my Dad asking me "are you sure you want to do this?" and I said, "no". Then I saw the look on my Dad's face and I joked it off - but deep in my heart, i always knew that xah wasn't ready to get married. I married him anyways.

For 18 1/2 years, we were legally married. We spent 15 of those years together.
Was it a real marriage? Not by my definition of what "real" marriage is. But I gave it my all - which really was too much.

Today I sit here and tell all of you that this year, I find myself in a much better place on this date. It's been the calmest, most peaceful, and fulfilling anniversary that I've had since I've been with my xah.
I find that really sad when I think about it. Believe me, our anniversary was often forgotten or just another day to him. He even made plans before to be out of town with his friends on what was to be our special day.

I don't really know why I'm writing all this. I guess because in a strange sense, I actually finally feel free. And today reminded me once again of that.

an'ka

Oh, SS, thank you for this post. I find myself in the same situation. Tomorrow will be my five year wedding anniversary. Last night, I laid in bed next to my wonderful daughter and thought about that day. It's very vivid for me. It was sunny and gorgeous. We got married at the courthouse--AH arrived 20 min late and under the influence. Not glaring, but enough to notice. After the ceremony, we had launch with two of our witnesses, and then he left to meet his buddies. He got completely smashed that night; I had to go get him and drive him home. THAT was my wedding day.

The person I am today would have walked out if my fiance was 1 second late for the ceremony. The person I am today would know that I deserved a beautiful white dress, friends and family, and a romantic day to cherish. Insisted on a honeymoon. I would not buy quicky rings for both of us but expect him to expand some effort to buy something meaningful for me. Oh, I would do so, so many things differently. I guess it was an appropriate precursor for the things to come. So many clues, but not enough wisdom to understand them and take heed.

parentrecovers

these are the kinds of stories that keep me working on recovery - thank you! k

CE Girl

SS I'm SO glad you wrote this It gives me hope. Like seeing my future. Cause thats what I want it to be,,peace, love, serenity and the gift of what its all about.

Funny, I was thinking today how much i am begining to relate to the codies with some time here on SR. When I first came here, I couldn't imagine having the "time in" and being in a comfortable place. It was almost like you guys were "foreign objects" to me. Now, i read some of your writes and they are starting to make sense to me.

We are very fortunate to have the wisdom of your experience to guide us through this journey.

Wishing you nothing but,,,,

Peace

Grace

Thank you for this post SS. I was just telling one of my closest friends that I spent over 15 years of my, on and off, trying to make things work with my exAbf. We weren't even married, but I loved him and I wanted desperately to make it work. On days like today, I regret leaving him AGAIN, but I know that someday I will realize that it was the best thing to do.

Thanks again. I'm sure I'm not the only one who needed to read this.
Congratulations too on that ultimately wonderful feeling.

chrisea

standing still,
that comfortable place, peace, around and within, what a great trade off, from all the forgotten anniversaries... After all isn't an anniversary suppose to be a happy day for each spouse too rem why you got together in the 1st place... In my life, I just read about it in magazines or books. Now I get to have my own happy those are just memories ~ anniversary day.

free2be

Thanks SS for reminding me of my wedding day. We got married in the court house and he decided after the ceremony to go out with his witness and his best friend, He did not come home that night. Binge. I am too, in a better place.

cmc

SS,
Thanks for sharing and telling us how it was, what you did and how it is now. Your recovery is wonderful and inspirational!
hugs,
cmc