Saying Good Bye,,,
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Saying Good Bye,,,
When I fled (yes, I'm using the right word) my A, I left some of my things at his house.
As I've struggled to detach, I've known I needed closure with my things. It was a "thread" that held us together. Truth be told, like a good little codie, I wanted him to be "reminded" of me, when he opened his eyes in the morning, closed them at night. I refused to beleive it was an unwillingness to let go. Instead, I put it in the hands of the spirits.
This morning when I woke up, I could feel the faint voice of the spirits. As I prepared for my run on the beach, it was like the beat of a Tom, resonating in me. Today was the day.
I spent my run, feeling the "click"
It was time to say good bye.
i went and got my things today. While he was at work. Prepared and surprised, that my preperation did not cover the myriad of feelings and pain that came flooding back. But the sense of "its over" was never far from the surface and the spirits held strong
It is done
The thread finally broken,,,
Peace
As I've struggled to detach, I've known I needed closure with my things. It was a "thread" that held us together. Truth be told, like a good little codie, I wanted him to be "reminded" of me, when he opened his eyes in the morning, closed them at night. I refused to beleive it was an unwillingness to let go. Instead, I put it in the hands of the spirits.
This morning when I woke up, I could feel the faint voice of the spirits. As I prepared for my run on the beach, it was like the beat of a Tom, resonating in me. Today was the day.
I spent my run, feeling the "click"
It was time to say good bye.
i went and got my things today. While he was at work. Prepared and surprised, that my preperation did not cover the myriad of feelings and pain that came flooding back. But the sense of "its over" was never far from the surface and the spirits held strong
It is done
The thread finally broken,,,
Peace
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Oh CE! What a hard thing to do--cutting that final thread, but now it's done!
And I'm glad you were able to do it when it was the right time for YOU! You are very good at listening to your inner voice! I admire that about you!
((((((CE)))))))
And I'm glad you were able to do it when it was the right time for YOU! You are very good at listening to your inner voice! I admire that about you!
((((((CE)))))))
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wow there is alot of this going on lately.... the letting go and breaking of denial.
Im happy for you CE Girl, but dont be suprise about the emotions that are still yet to come.... now just let the healing happen and with that you have to "feel" all of the myriad of feelings and pain and mourn the loss.... but it sounds like you are on the mend hon.
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Originally Posted by CE Girl 
It is done
The thread finally broken,,,
The thread finally broken,,,
I did a pretty good job of grabbing every last thing when my ex tossed me out, and I made damn sure I returned every little picture, note, letter, or knick-knack I had of her, sent it all back with a bent up wedding ring that I was tired of looking at too.
And there lies my problem. I can make sure I have every single thing that belongs to me, and I played out my sick little act of returning every piece of her, but nothing ever erases the memory, whether it was of the good or bad times it all remains in my heart. I wish I had all that stuff today. I was going to spread it out on the bed tonight and remind myself that every moment of those 11 years wasn't all that bad.
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but nothing ever erases the memory, whether it was of the good or bad times it all remains in my heart.
I spent the weekend, in a place once familiar. Where the wonders of my island reminded me of the gift we are given EVERY day. I watched the sunrise over the sea, tackled the waves on a surfboard, stood mesmerized at my kitchen window while the red fox frolicked in the dunes. Heard the cry of a fisher cat at dusk. And the end of the day with the most giftful hues or red, orange and yellow glows as the sun set over the "edge". And I could FINALLY feel my core shine
I will not forget the lesson I was taught. That no matter how much we love, sometimes it simply isn't enough. Thats does not make us "unlovable" but instead prepares us for the real thing. The one we find within ourselves. We come into this world with nothing but love, its up to US to realize the gift and leave the same way, content with the gifts we've been given.
Keep the memories. Accept they are part of who you are. The lessons learned.
but dont be suprise about the emotions that are still yet to come....
Now I gotta get reading, got a lot to catch up on,,I MISSED you guys
Peace
Peace
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That no matter how much we love, sometimes it simply isn't enough.
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just what is ment to be.
I will agree with that, we can't stop what is meant to be,,
Just an update,
I got a call from my A's oldest daughter. I've met her a few times, but my A was not able to be a Dad. Although, he "paid" and felt he was "supporting" his children, they had longgotten to the point where their contact was limited. Never knowing what kind of condition he was in. Now their older, contact is very limited. In any case, she got my number from his cell. Called me to tell me she took him to the emergency room. She's not sure what's wrong, but he called her and told her he thought he was having a heart attack. He asked her to call me and ask could I please come.
I explained to Elizabeth that i had moved my things out today, and her Dad was no longer a part of my life. She said he keeps asking about you? I explained I could not come, I am detaching with love. And to please relay that message.
i had a moment of "what if I regret this?". Immediatly thought of FD's thread about Richard and thought, ,if she can do it, so can I.
Romanincing the past
If he dies, I will have romance that I could not be with him. I will think of the love I had for him and the good memories. The sprakle in his blue eyes, how he called me toes, and he "touched" me like no one else
Remembering the Truth
If he dies, I will remember I could not be with him. Staying would have meant the death of my core. I was full of rage, broken and a shell. Watching him die, powerless to get him to fight. I will remember his choice to drink. And the lives that were damaged in the process.
I watched someone I loved, ravaged by cancer. Standing firm beside him when I wanted to bolt. Giving him strength by willing it through my touch. Fighting, clawing and grasping at every breathe of life he took. We traveled that journey TOGETHER. He fought as hard as I did. When he could have easily succembed to the peace of death
No matter how I try to justify, My A did not,,,
Peace
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Breaking that last thread can be tough. When it happened for me, it was sudden - a realization, an epiphany.
I still have my moments, don't get me wrong. When he threw me out of his life he did it by stopping off at at my house with a small bag of items. He still had an apartment full of my stuff. Then he ran out the door before I had a chance to recover from the bomb he dropped and wouldn't answer my calls to let me know when he would be at his place so I could get my stuff - until I threatened to involve the police. I went to get my stuff and I asked for money he owed me...and he said he'd pay. Then he just stood there, quivering lip and all. I reiterated that I wanted a check - NOW. I thought he was going to lose it. He finally got that this was it - I wasn't letting him back in this time, he really did it this time...the way a person who doesn't take care of themselves gets a smack in the face when they are given a bad diagnosis by their physician. I got my check, my computer, my books, my movies, my clothes, my nick-nacks, then walked around his apartment looking for and finding other items of mine stashed away as though he owned them. I thought about getting some expensive gifts I gave him back, and I would have if I had been in recovery of codieism. He made sure to point out that he wrapped my computer and monitor in plastic bags because it was sprinkling. Whattya want - a freakin prize? I grabbed the last few items to take back to the now packed honda civic with my friend who came along for protection. As we walked out the front door my friend counted...1...2...3...and we heard the door open on cue, footsteps coming down after us as we walked out to my car one final time...
"Hey! Do you want your fan?"
After all of that, he couldn't just let me go...a fan? You've got to be kidding me! I told him I had everything I wanted. He then asked to search through my packed car for the remote to the tiny window fan that costs $15 at wal-mart. So my friend and I stood there while he rummaged through the carefully packed car for a 3 inch remote to a $15 dollar fan - guess walking to the window and pushing a button is beneath him. He finally got the remote and my friend and I go in my car and drove off...I have no idea if he went back inside or watched me leave. I didn't care. Like you - the thread was now cut...I was finally free of his crap.
Yeah - it's tough to break that thread. They will try to keep their claws in your, and they cut deep. You did the right thing by not rushing to his aid. Thanks for letting me share.
I still have my moments, don't get me wrong. When he threw me out of his life he did it by stopping off at at my house with a small bag of items. He still had an apartment full of my stuff. Then he ran out the door before I had a chance to recover from the bomb he dropped and wouldn't answer my calls to let me know when he would be at his place so I could get my stuff - until I threatened to involve the police. I went to get my stuff and I asked for money he owed me...and he said he'd pay. Then he just stood there, quivering lip and all. I reiterated that I wanted a check - NOW. I thought he was going to lose it. He finally got that this was it - I wasn't letting him back in this time, he really did it this time...the way a person who doesn't take care of themselves gets a smack in the face when they are given a bad diagnosis by their physician. I got my check, my computer, my books, my movies, my clothes, my nick-nacks, then walked around his apartment looking for and finding other items of mine stashed away as though he owned them. I thought about getting some expensive gifts I gave him back, and I would have if I had been in recovery of codieism. He made sure to point out that he wrapped my computer and monitor in plastic bags because it was sprinkling. Whattya want - a freakin prize? I grabbed the last few items to take back to the now packed honda civic with my friend who came along for protection. As we walked out the front door my friend counted...1...2...3...and we heard the door open on cue, footsteps coming down after us as we walked out to my car one final time...
"Hey! Do you want your fan?"
After all of that, he couldn't just let me go...a fan? You've got to be kidding me! I told him I had everything I wanted. He then asked to search through my packed car for the remote to the tiny window fan that costs $15 at wal-mart. So my friend and I stood there while he rummaged through the carefully packed car for a 3 inch remote to a $15 dollar fan - guess walking to the window and pushing a button is beneath him. He finally got the remote and my friend and I go in my car and drove off...I have no idea if he went back inside or watched me leave. I didn't care. Like you - the thread was now cut...I was finally free of his crap.
Yeah - it's tough to break that thread. They will try to keep their claws in your, and they cut deep. You did the right thing by not rushing to his aid. Thanks for letting me share.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Before we can have beautiful new beginnings, we must put some closure on the ending that comes before. You have done that with grace, compassion and love in your heart. There is no greater gift of yourself to leave behind than that.
I wish you fond memories, no regrets, and the treasure of the time spent on this chapter of your life.
May all your new chapters be as filled with light as you are today.
Hugs
I wish you fond memories, no regrets, and the treasure of the time spent on this chapter of your life.
May all your new chapters be as filled with light as you are today.
Hugs
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Well, it turned out to be just another of my A's attempts at "control". His daughter called me last night and we had a long talk.
The "closure" freaked him out. He expected to continue to use my things as hostage for his control. When I took it away from him, he totally LOST it. His daughter said he had moments of clarity, telling her he didn't blame me, to pure bursts of outrage that I was "cowardly" and "hid like a little kid". With my a's obsessive compulsive tendancy's, I suspect the see saw will continue a bit longer for him. He did not have a "heart attack". I think he may have been surprised by a broken heart.
but you know what. It doesn't matter. That's HUGE for me. I realize three things:
Control
Cause
Cure
Been saying that since I've been coming to this board, but only NOW do I truly know what it means.
LET IT GO
Do I think I am "cured"? No freakin way,,lol. But I do KNOW I am done. I have a cornocoppia of feelings today, I'm still trying to sort through, indecision or regret about my boundry's or detachment is not one of them. It's hard to explain how that final "click" comes about. You agnoze and what if fo rso long, it feels "funny" to "just do it". I've heard it call a bottom. But I think its more like the final boundry. I reached my bottom when I made the decision to leave three months ago. The boundry of "playing it through", took longer to get too. It was the culmination of the work I've done on myself. Reaching out for help and support through whatever I needed to get here. Reading, SR, speaking with A's and codies alike, CLOSE friendships that resulted in encouragement and faith. And of course my spirits. Giving it up, putting it in their hands is what finally set me free.
It's a struggle. And one that does not end with whatever means of detachment we personally choose. I'm not good with "what if's". Don't like em in my life. too often they translate to regret, which I try to avoid at all costs. But this is my "codie" behaviour, and I am coming to realize, "what if's" are a part of life. We simply do what we know best at the time.
Peace
The "closure" freaked him out. He expected to continue to use my things as hostage for his control. When I took it away from him, he totally LOST it. His daughter said he had moments of clarity, telling her he didn't blame me, to pure bursts of outrage that I was "cowardly" and "hid like a little kid". With my a's obsessive compulsive tendancy's, I suspect the see saw will continue a bit longer for him. He did not have a "heart attack". I think he may have been surprised by a broken heart.
but you know what. It doesn't matter. That's HUGE for me. I realize three things:
Control
Cause
Cure
Been saying that since I've been coming to this board, but only NOW do I truly know what it means.
LET IT GO
Do I think I am "cured"? No freakin way,,lol. But I do KNOW I am done. I have a cornocoppia of feelings today, I'm still trying to sort through, indecision or regret about my boundry's or detachment is not one of them. It's hard to explain how that final "click" comes about. You agnoze and what if fo rso long, it feels "funny" to "just do it". I've heard it call a bottom. But I think its more like the final boundry. I reached my bottom when I made the decision to leave three months ago. The boundry of "playing it through", took longer to get too. It was the culmination of the work I've done on myself. Reaching out for help and support through whatever I needed to get here. Reading, SR, speaking with A's and codies alike, CLOSE friendships that resulted in encouragement and faith. And of course my spirits. Giving it up, putting it in their hands is what finally set me free.
It's a struggle. And one that does not end with whatever means of detachment we personally choose. I'm not good with "what if's". Don't like em in my life. too often they translate to regret, which I try to avoid at all costs. But this is my "codie" behaviour, and I am coming to realize, "what if's" are a part of life. We simply do what we know best at the time.
Peace
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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Wow!
I read a lot of recovery, boundaries, healthy stuff... it sounds to me like you're doing very well.
Be gentle on yourself, it's possible you'll have some strong waves of sadness - remember it's all part of the process.
Hugs
Cats
I read a lot of recovery, boundaries, healthy stuff... it sounds to me like you're doing very well.
Be gentle on yourself, it's possible you'll have some strong waves of sadness - remember it's all part of the process.
Hugs
Cats
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
ditto to cats post.
it's been well over a year since my divorce and over two years since seperation, and most days are just simply stunningly wonderful. but i can still have days that knock me on my butt......i know about these days and have a plan ready for when they hit me. that way, i'm not caught off guard.....took me a lot of pain to learn that lesson.
lots of slips down that slippery slope of misery and aching for him.
what a process.....wowwweeee. it still just amazes, stuns, astounds, mysifies, bewilders, confuses, and takes my breath away.
it's a beautfiul experience, in spite of the heartache.
stay strong, and keep following your true north, ce girl.......you sound amazing.
it's been well over a year since my divorce and over two years since seperation, and most days are just simply stunningly wonderful. but i can still have days that knock me on my butt......i know about these days and have a plan ready for when they hit me. that way, i'm not caught off guard.....took me a lot of pain to learn that lesson.
lots of slips down that slippery slope of misery and aching for him.
what a process.....wowwweeee. it still just amazes, stuns, astounds, mysifies, bewilders, confuses, and takes my breath away.
it's a beautfiul experience, in spite of the heartache.
stay strong, and keep following your true north, ce girl.......you sound amazing.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((CE Girl)))
This is pretty incredible stuff, especially your thoughts about FD and her Richard - which were also in MY mind as I read the part about his daughter calling...
Thank you for sharing how you think about him... it helps those of us who need to detatch, whether for a little bit, or for a long time.
I pray today brings you all you need. ((hugs))
This is pretty incredible stuff, especially your thoughts about FD and her Richard - which were also in MY mind as I read the part about his daughter calling...
Thank you for sharing how you think about him... it helps those of us who need to detatch, whether for a little bit, or for a long time.
I pray today brings you all you need. ((hugs))
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
CE, I'm more amazed everytime I hear from you!
You did a hard thing but the right thing. I'm glad you see that. I'm glad you wrote about it.
I keep crying everytime I read this. Keep going, Sis, I love seeing the progress unfolding. You are doing great!!!
You did a hard thing but the right thing. I'm glad you see that. I'm glad you wrote about it.
I keep crying everytime I read this. Keep going, Sis, I love seeing the progress unfolding. You are doing great!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Sometimes a clean break would have been nice..
even if it was a clean break i didn't even relize it at the time..
Becuase it hurts so much
I drove 1600 miles just to get away for her...I love her so much
But we been down that road so many times ..seperations
after seperation..We both tried..we did our best.
But everytime when we get under the same roof..it would
be wonderful for a while...but only a while
then we both would want to kill each other...and the progression
got worst and worst each time.
it broke my heart..the last words she said to me was " I love you
and i will always love you".
I still love her very much to this day.
Maybe in heaven or on some other plain, in some other demision.
but not in this life time that we can live together again.
We're sould mates...and when sould mates meeting on earth,
the world catches on fire and explode...
i dun no..i just gatta look at it like that otherwise i'll go out of my freaken mind,
or drink myself to death..
even if it was a clean break i didn't even relize it at the time..
Becuase it hurts so much
I drove 1600 miles just to get away for her...I love her so much
But we been down that road so many times ..seperations
after seperation..We both tried..we did our best.
But everytime when we get under the same roof..it would
be wonderful for a while...but only a while
then we both would want to kill each other...and the progression
got worst and worst each time.
it broke my heart..the last words she said to me was " I love you
and i will always love you".
I still love her very much to this day.
Maybe in heaven or on some other plain, in some other demision.
but not in this life time that we can live together again.
We're sould mates...and when sould mates meeting on earth,
the world catches on fire and explode...
i dun no..i just gatta look at it like that otherwise i'll go out of my freaken mind,
or drink myself to death..
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