Is it me-How do you know?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
Is it me-How do you know?
Hello gang,
I'm wondering about things again
I'm wondering if this is about me. A characted default or something. I'm losing friends and am starting to wonder if I know how to be one.
Although the ones I have lost lately have been kinda toxic and I gotta admit that I've been a bit relief to be rid of those. But still it hurts to loose people even if they were toxic.
This latest one is at work and thus is bothering me a bit since I cannot totally get away and it feels a bit akward. There's this group of toxic people here who enjoy putting anyone else down and my friend sadly decided to join their gang. Now I'm left with dealing with my codependy by not starting to twist over backwards to get her back. It's not easy. Still when I get a thought that, in the old days I would have mailed her, now I stop myself and don't sent it. She's been a bit nasty to me lately and I feel like I'm trying to act like nothing is wrong if I act nice to her so I just don't do anything. The strange part is that I don't even know what I can do. Should I just talk to her? And say what? It feels like something is broken and cannot be fixed. I'm wondering if it's me that broke it. Is this the same cycle that I went through with my ex-A but just different version?
Has anyone else here lost friends?
The thing that makes me wonder if it's me applies to this board too. I don't know how to offer support to you guys since I'm not living my A anymore and still haven't started on the meetings regularly. I don't know. I'm not thinking too clearly at the moment.
Later,
Chess
I'm wondering about things again
I'm wondering if this is about me. A characted default or something. I'm losing friends and am starting to wonder if I know how to be one.
Although the ones I have lost lately have been kinda toxic and I gotta admit that I've been a bit relief to be rid of those. But still it hurts to loose people even if they were toxic.
This latest one is at work and thus is bothering me a bit since I cannot totally get away and it feels a bit akward. There's this group of toxic people here who enjoy putting anyone else down and my friend sadly decided to join their gang. Now I'm left with dealing with my codependy by not starting to twist over backwards to get her back. It's not easy. Still when I get a thought that, in the old days I would have mailed her, now I stop myself and don't sent it. She's been a bit nasty to me lately and I feel like I'm trying to act like nothing is wrong if I act nice to her so I just don't do anything. The strange part is that I don't even know what I can do. Should I just talk to her? And say what? It feels like something is broken and cannot be fixed. I'm wondering if it's me that broke it. Is this the same cycle that I went through with my ex-A but just different version?
Has anyone else here lost friends?
The thing that makes me wonder if it's me applies to this board too. I don't know how to offer support to you guys since I'm not living my A anymore and still haven't started on the meetings regularly. I don't know. I'm not thinking too clearly at the moment.
Later,
Chess
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
At work it's like that a lot of the times. And heck after a while
those click of people start figthing each other or stab each other
at a drop of a hat..They're just sick people...
been there done that..bascially a bunch of older people acting
like little babies or rotten kids...
Kids with jobs..lol in other words...those people are probably
future recovery members and still havn't had enough yet..lol
just keep in mind...there still a lot of functioning alki out there
or people in the process of hitting bottom..
Heck even my duaghter at the age of 6 figure that one out..
She came home oneday..a little fuastrated becuase her friends
were being mean to people..She remove herself from the situation
becuase it made her sick..she chose not to perticipate in it.
She's was still pure and follow her heart or her gut.
She told me her friends where butt heads and let it go at that..
She went on with life or day.
anyway, I can't get too hung up in it...it's not healthy for me.
I can't change anyone all i can do is change myself.
Recovery has also taught me i don't have to bend over backwards to
fit in anymore. SCREW GUILT
Me being a guy and all and i have a bit of recovery under my belt.
i throw recovery slogen or tools at the guys and they trip..lol
or sometimes if it gets out of hand..i'll just tell them to F-off.
Being spiritual is not being spineless...
Other times i just pray for my HP to keep in in a safe space
or i just let stuff go in one ear and out the other and just focus
my work
those click of people start figthing each other or stab each other
at a drop of a hat..They're just sick people...
been there done that..bascially a bunch of older people acting
like little babies or rotten kids...
Kids with jobs..lol in other words...those people are probably
future recovery members and still havn't had enough yet..lol
just keep in mind...there still a lot of functioning alki out there
or people in the process of hitting bottom..
Heck even my duaghter at the age of 6 figure that one out..
She came home oneday..a little fuastrated becuase her friends
were being mean to people..She remove herself from the situation
becuase it made her sick..she chose not to perticipate in it.
She's was still pure and follow her heart or her gut.
She told me her friends where butt heads and let it go at that..
She went on with life or day.
anyway, I can't get too hung up in it...it's not healthy for me.
I can't change anyone all i can do is change myself.
Recovery has also taught me i don't have to bend over backwards to
fit in anymore. SCREW GUILT
Me being a guy and all and i have a bit of recovery under my belt.
i throw recovery slogen or tools at the guys and they trip..lol
or sometimes if it gets out of hand..i'll just tell them to F-off.
Being spiritual is not being spineless...
Other times i just pray for my HP to keep in in a safe space
or i just let stuff go in one ear and out the other and just focus
my work
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I have trouble with "letting go" too and that includes just about everything in my life from people to old clothes. I am a lousy spring cleaner because I hate throwing things away but I am getting better at it with practise .
I allow "reason" to guide me and not my emotions.
"Toxic" or "one sided" relationships are not much of a problem for me anymore because I know that ultimately somebody's feelings are gonna get hurt (usually me) and I can deal with a little "pain of separation" now than with a "broken heart later".
I have some tight rules for myself now where my relationships are concerned. For the first time in many many many many years I am finding a little peace within myself and I will let nothing or noone disrupt that peace.
Focus on your work and on your recovery. You will find new friends. One day you will understand the power in the word "goodbye".
.I allow "reason" to guide me and not my emotions.
"Toxic" or "one sided" relationships are not much of a problem for me anymore because I know that ultimately somebody's feelings are gonna get hurt (usually me) and I can deal with a little "pain of separation" now than with a "broken heart later".
I have some tight rules for myself now where my relationships are concerned. For the first time in many many many many years I am finding a little peace within myself and I will let nothing or noone disrupt that peace.
Focus on your work and on your recovery. You will find new friends. One day you will understand the power in the word "goodbye".
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Part of my journey is discovering just how many alcholics I have allowed into my life. It was a bit of a surprise to me to discover that MANY, if not most, of my girlfriends are likely also addict/alcoholic.
Some of these, I have let go. Others are more distant than before. As I got stronger, and healthier, I have allowed a different kind of women friends into my life... and don't have so many close relationships at work.
I think it is better.
And yeah, it might be "you"... growing.
(((hugs)))
Some of these, I have let go. Others are more distant than before. As I got stronger, and healthier, I have allowed a different kind of women friends into my life... and don't have so many close relationships at work.
I think it is better.
And yeah, it might be "you"... growing.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I have 'lost' numerous friends as I progressed through my recovery. Interestingly, if I were to meet these people *now* rather than when I did, I would have kept them at a rather large distance from myself as they were/are toxic.
The last 'friend' I lost decided not to talk to me anymore because she felt that I divulged too much of her personal information after I had purchased a house for her to live in so she could escape a bad situation. She told me I was totally wrong and she didn't think she could ever speak to me again and I should talk to my therapist because he'd set me to rights. I did talk to my therapist. He did set me to rights. He told me my motivations were mine to own and that I did not need other people's permission to discuss my motivations or actions in my life. This was not what she wanted to hear.
She still rents the house from me, but we never talk. And that's okay. Whatever her problem/s is/are, they are not mine and it was a relief actually to no longer have to worry about stepping on her toes. Which made me wonder why I had been worrying in the first place - after all, my opinions are mine to own and if someone else doesn't like them, they don't have to agree - that doesn't make my opinions or myself any less valid.
I hope this story may shed some light on your situation. I think, with the exception of relatives, I've now managed, by becoming more healthy, to shed the dead weight of so many unhealthy relationships I'd been dragging behind me like an anchor simply because "they'd always been there".
The last 'friend' I lost decided not to talk to me anymore because she felt that I divulged too much of her personal information after I had purchased a house for her to live in so she could escape a bad situation. She told me I was totally wrong and she didn't think she could ever speak to me again and I should talk to my therapist because he'd set me to rights. I did talk to my therapist. He did set me to rights. He told me my motivations were mine to own and that I did not need other people's permission to discuss my motivations or actions in my life. This was not what she wanted to hear.
She still rents the house from me, but we never talk. And that's okay. Whatever her problem/s is/are, they are not mine and it was a relief actually to no longer have to worry about stepping on her toes. Which made me wonder why I had been worrying in the first place - after all, my opinions are mine to own and if someone else doesn't like them, they don't have to agree - that doesn't make my opinions or myself any less valid.
I hope this story may shed some light on your situation. I think, with the exception of relatives, I've now managed, by becoming more healthy, to shed the dead weight of so many unhealthy relationships I'd been dragging behind me like an anchor simply because "they'd always been there".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Friends come and go. That's life. People change or move on. It's inevitable.
It's not healthy to hang on to toxic friends. You already know that.
Your friend has decided to move on in a direction you don't want to go. Let her go. You have no choice, really. She'll go where she wants, and your choice is whether to follow or not, and you know you don't want to follow that nasty complaining group.
Toxic friends are best let go when they go.
Ah, the true codie! if it is anything you did, then it was meant to be broke! You aren't required to keep every friend ever made for ever and ever! You grow, and they grow, and not in the same direction.
Remember, there are a LOT of alcoholics and addicts and ACOAs out there. Not everyone you meet is a 'normie'.
100% codie feelings. It's ok for it to hurt, that doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. To live is to suffer, after all. then you get over it and move on.
You are probably learning more how to be a friend, since you know that friends can be toxic, and that bitchy cliques of complainers are not who you want for friends.
It's not healthy to hang on to toxic friends. You already know that.
Your friend has decided to move on in a direction you don't want to go. Let her go. You have no choice, really. She'll go where she wants, and your choice is whether to follow or not, and you know you don't want to follow that nasty complaining group.
Toxic friends are best let go when they go.
I'm wondering if it's me that broke it.
Remember, there are a LOT of alcoholics and addicts and ACOAs out there. Not everyone you meet is a 'normie'.
But still it hurts to loose people even if they were toxic.
You are probably learning more how to be a friend, since you know that friends can be toxic, and that bitchy cliques of complainers are not who you want for friends.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
it hurts to wave goodbye to friends, even if they're friends who were poison in your life. I'm sorry you're hurting. It's not anything bad that you've done....it just happens as we grow.
I had a friend (alcoholic, go figure) for more than fourteen years, and she recently faded out of my life. It hurt for quite a while but really, like you said, it was a relief. She brought stress and turmoil into my life, and there just isn't room for that any more. But it still hurt. Sometimes, it is a wiser part of ourselves that is subconsciously driving away that kind of friend.
Know that it's for the best, chess. You're growing and changing and you will attract a different group of friends who will bring just joy and support to your life, not negativity and toxic waste.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I had a friend (alcoholic, go figure) for more than fourteen years, and she recently faded out of my life. It hurt for quite a while but really, like you said, it was a relief. She brought stress and turmoil into my life, and there just isn't room for that any more. But it still hurt. Sometimes, it is a wiser part of ourselves that is subconsciously driving away that kind of friend.
Know that it's for the best, chess. You're growing and changing and you will attract a different group of friends who will bring just joy and support to your life, not negativity and toxic waste.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I consider the people at work to be my acquaintances, not my friends. They come and they go, they are not a constant in my life.
My friends are the people who I've shared my life with, many of them I've known for over 30 years...we still connect.
It takes a minute to make an enemy and a life time of caring, support and understanding to keep a friend.
My friends are the people who I've shared my life with, many of them I've known for over 30 years...we still connect.
It takes a minute to make an enemy and a life time of caring, support and understanding to keep a friend.
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