Looking for some advice

Old 06-10-2007, 07:04 PM
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Question Looking for some advice

This is going to be long because I want people who read this to get a good understanding of the situation.

I am a 21 year old male from California. I have a younger brother who will be 13 at the end of this month.

In my opinion, I am a great role model to my younger brother. Very health conscious, and independent (living on my own and putting myself through school). Won't get near drugs/alcohol/tobacco.

Before, it was different. I did smoke weed and drink when I was a teen from the ages of 15-18. Apparently, my brother might be emulating my past behavior.


I know for a fact he is drinking and smoking weed and probably every day. Also, I suspect he may be moving on to more harsh drugs.

I moved out of my parents house just over a year ago, but he was already headed down the wrong path. I tried being a good older brother. I tried taking him to do things and spend time with him hoping I would rub off on him. However, it didn't work because he would rather go hang around his hoodlum friends all day. It was very hard getting him out of the house with me, and when we got back he was immediately out the door again with his "friends".

The main problem is his parents. His dad (my step dad) is a raging alcoholic and our mom has been addicted to methamphetamines (crank) for god only knows how long and smokes pot. Obviously, not good role models.

People here might have different views about teenage marijuana and alcohol use. What you people do is your own business. However, I just want to make clear that I absolutely DO NOT approve of my younger brother touching any of that stuff. He is far too young to be making those decisions, in my opinion.

Back to the problem - his parents. It seems like every time I talk to my mother and ask about my younger brother, she is telling me something new that he is doing. It started out with her telling me she thought he was smoking weed and finding cigarettes in his room, to him coming home extremely drunk, to hanging out with people 16, 17, 18 years old. Today, I find out that he went off with a guy who is 25 years old and admitted marijuana user at the very least, although I heard he was acting like he was on some kind of uppers.

Now you know what I mean when I say his parents are the problem. For one, I know, because I lived with them for 20 years before I moved out. But mainly they just let him do WHATEVER he wants. He comes and goes as he pleases, with whom he pleases, and here's the kicker - his dad gives him money EVERY day. Yes, $10-30 or more every day. I used to smoke weed and know that is more money than he would need to stay high most of the time. That's another reason why I think he is moving on to more harsh and expensive drugs.


I am trying hard to make it in my own life. I feel I could actually help my brother if his parents were cooperative. I feel strongly that if they did what I suggest they do, he could get back on track. This is what I would suggest: Take away his cellphone. Keep him from going ANYWHERE other than school. For fun, he could get involved with sports or other healthy extra-extracurricular activities. I would take him to do stuff, also, as I frequently spend time in the outdoors. The only friends he could spend time with outside of school would be ones that were positive influences and under at least some kind of supervision. The idea is to make it impossible for him to access drugs and keep him away from bad influences. In other words, be a responsible guardian.

However, this is so out of the question it's hardly worth thinking about. His parents are NOT going to change. They are parental failures, in my opinion. There is no "trying to talk" with them or anything. But I cannot just sit around and loose my only brother to drugs.

I am open to discussing suggestions that people here might have. Thank you for your help and I appreciate your time.
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Old 06-10-2007, 07:22 PM
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((Patriot))

Welcome to SR honey. I'm certain there will be others who will be able to suggest some things because what I'm about to suggest may not be possible.

First of all you're very mature for your age and I applaud the way you are living your life. You've beaten the odds the way I see it having been raised by 2 active addicts. You should be very proud of yourself.

Now.........are you able to get through to your little brother? I mean.......does he actually hear you when you try and talk to him? If you're the only positive influence in his young life, is it possible to come stay with you? I know that's a little off the wall and legally his parents are still responsible for him, but getting him out of that situation may be whats called for..............although if he is addicted already........he'll find the drugs no matter what rules you put down.

What worries me is if he gets into any trouble and the parents are investigated the state will remove him from the home. Where will that leave him then.

I really hope one of the "wise ones" show up to offer something more. Just know I will be keeping your little brother in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs
kris
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Old 06-10-2007, 07:58 PM
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((Patriot))

My normal response would be to let go of the addic and learn how to help yourself through this. But this isn't the normal situation. You are dealing with a child. One that needs a strong parental guidance. Being as his parents aren't fulfilling that obligation, as the only responsible adult around, it seems that responsibility is square on your shoulders.

I don't like the thought of a child being removed from their home. Sometimes where they get placed is worse than where they were removed from. Sometimes being removed is what saves their lives. My advice would be to contact a social worker and talk to them. Even if you don't give them the information about who you are trying to help. There are options out there. If you were to step in and your brother was removed, then there are other things I would do. I would ask the court for a child advocate, someone who would only work toward his best benefit.

As for you stepping in and being a guardian, only you can decide if it is something you could do. It sounds like you are capable, but that is a heavy sacrafice to make. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Spending that life trying to "save" your brother may mean loosing yourself. Even if you could impose the rules that you suggested earlier, it would not prevent what is happening. No matter where he is, or who he hangs with, if he wants the drugs, he will find them. Until he wants to stop, he want.

It's a tough spot you are in. My heart breaks for you and your brother. My older brother was the addict. I couldn't save him. I lost him many years ago, and even now, I feel there should have been more I could have done.

Sending Prayers
B
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Old 06-10-2007, 08:49 PM
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Patriot, what a good older brother you are! I'm going to take my best shot at giving you some suggestions...

I suppose you have already had a heart to heart talk to your brother...but if you haven't that would be my first idea. tell him how concerned you are.

Try to spend time with him. If he sees what your life is like and that you have plans and how happy you are to be working toward some goals, maybe this will inspire him. Sometimes just one good influence can make a big difference in a kid's life. Maybe he looks up to you, i always looked up to my older brother. (Mine was the first one to get me high, tho).

A good resource for almost anything is the United Way-they have a website and they are nation-wide. They also have a number, it should be listed in the phone book. tell them your situation and they can connect you with resources in your area.

If there is a center for runaway youth in your area, drop by and ask them for advice.
I know your brother is not a runaway, but these places have experience dealing with youth and their issues, and they night give you some good ideas.

You said that you are going to school-does your school have Human Services or Social Work courses? If they do, talk to one of the instructors of these classes, they might have some good ideas.

I hope this helps.

Hugs....
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Old 06-11-2007, 06:24 AM
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Hi Patriot,
Welcome to SR! I know the desperation that you are feeling. My son started using pot when he was 13 and moved on to harsher stuff as well. I tried everything to stop the path that I saw ahead of him. He didn't have a cell phone at 13, but if he did...it would have been taken away. Firm rules and boundries are what my husband and I did...and it nearly killed us in the process. Unlike your brother, my son grew up with 2 hard working sober parents...with rules and responsibilities. That didn't stop my son from using. Addiction is a disease and it hits all kinds of families.

I would suggest spending a lot of time with your brother. School is out shortly...have him come stay with you for the weekend. Show him the healthy way to live. Although it may seem that he isn't "getting' it, someday...he will remember that you are somebody who cared and tried to help him and he will reach out for your help. You might want to look into Alateen also since his Dad is an alchoholic. That might be a great support system for him when you can't be there.

I applaud your efforts. Your brother is lucky to have you in his life! I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers!
Here_I_Am
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Old 06-11-2007, 06:52 AM
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welcome, patriot. your brother is lucky to have you. i have a daughter who is an addict/alcoholic - so i understand your concerns.

alanon meetings help me. maybe try some, and lead by example for the rest of your family?

blessings, and keep posting - k
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Old 06-11-2007, 07:21 AM
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Patriot,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
And congratulations for living a sober lifestyle.

What a terribly sad situation for you, and your brother.
In fact, in my opinion, you brother is suffering from parental neglect, and if that fact gets to Social Services, chances are that child will be removed from the home.

I think you can beat your head against the wall trying to get your brother to listen to you, and do activities with you, considering in his life, drugs come first.

The bottom line is what would YOU like to see happen?
I think it is your decision whether or not to call and have the home investigated.

Maybe NOT a tough decision when you think addiction is a progressive disease.


Hugs to you,
And prayers for your brother...
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Old 06-11-2007, 07:29 AM
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hi patriot - first i wanted to say what a great brother you are. i'm not sure i have any new suggestions that haven't been mentioned above, i just wanted to say to keep looking out for him and be there as much as you can, with a child that young, they are very impressionable and ANY positive influence in his life will help. i too was thinking social services if the situation is that bad. but that is a choice only you can make. i applaud your sense of responsibility toward your brother. usually with our addicts we have a hands off approach but in this case he is only a child and i think the more involved you are in his life the better off he will be. prayers for you and your brother.
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Old 06-11-2007, 08:37 AM
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Thank you everyone for the advice and words of encouragement.

Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch View Post
Now.........are you able to get through to your little brother? I mean.......does he actually hear you when you try and talk to him? If you're the only positive influence in his young life, is it possible to come stay with you?
Originally Posted by raerae6 View Post
Try to spend time with him. If he sees what your life is like and that you have plans and how happy you are to be working toward some goals, maybe this will inspire him. Sometimes just one good influence can make a big difference in a kid's life. Maybe he looks up to you, i always looked up to my older brother.
Originally Posted by Here_I_Am View Post
I would suggest spending a lot of time with your brother. School is out shortly...have him come stay with you for the weekend. Show him the healthy way to live.
I have tried this before. I tried taking him to do things. He really just doesn't want to go anymore. I might be able to get him out of the house for a weekend, but even that's a stretch. Pulling him away from his social life even for a few hours is seemingly impossible. Last time I took him out was probably 6 months ago or so, and he was on his cellphone and anxious to get back home after just an hour or two.


For a long time now I have been telling my parents that they should send him off to some sort of boot camp. I know that just being pulled out of that environment would be very beneficial for him. Our mother, while an addict herself, seems very willing to help and agreeing to do such a thing. However, his father, as far as I know, would never agree. My brother knows all he would have to do is whine to his dad, "I don't want to go", and that would be the end of that idea.

Now, I am finding out about these wilderness camps that rehabilitate troubled teens. I think this would be a better alternative to boot camp. The problem here is the same as the last - getting his parents to follow through with it. I feel now is the time to act as his summer vacation from school is starting shortly.

However, I think I might have a plan, as now I am thinking about getting social services involved. I am not a lawyer and I don't know how the courts would see it, but in my opinion his father especially is not only neglecting his son's problem, but aiding and abetting to it by giving him money, letting him leave the house with people in their 20's, etc. I don't know how social services work, but I am fairly sure if that his current living situation were investigated, it would be enough for him to be removed from that home.

My plan would involve giving his father an ultimatum. Either send him away to a rehabilitation program, and generally be supportive of his recovery process, or I am taking legal action to have him removed from the home. This would be a big step for me as it might sever any relationship I have with my step father.

If I were to do this, I would probably try to get my brother alone with me at least for a few hours. Maybe overnight on a camping trip, take him fishing or something. Then, I would tell him my plans and why what I am doing is trying to help. I would try to tell him that very few people pull out of drug addictions on their own and going to a rehabilitation program would be a great idea for him. Also, it would be better than the alternative.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions for me at this point, I am happy to read them. Also, if anyone has any experience with the process that I am considering, I would like to hear it.

Thanks again.
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Old 06-11-2007, 08:40 AM
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Hi, I'm just a mom w/ an AD however, if your brother is in a bad environment, call child protective services. They can eval and place him in a safer place. It could save his life.
Prayers w/ you, you're a great brother!
susan
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Old 06-11-2007, 09:07 AM
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hi, i've read through your post and i think that you are an awesome big brother, he should be very proud to have you and so should your parents. i want to let you know that i'll keep you and your family in my prayers
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Old 06-11-2007, 09:14 AM
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I liked Frankly's idea of getting social services involved.

His chances of moving on to harder drugs are far greater with a meth using mom and alcoholic dad.

They might be able to get your brother into a rehab situation or have him made a ward of the state.... not the best situation, but it has to be better than the one he is in.

My heart goes out to YOU, and I know you don't probably want to hear this, but getting YOURself to an Alanon/Naranon meeting can help you brother in the long run.

(((Patriot)))
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Old 06-11-2007, 11:25 AM
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Hi, Just be aware that if social services gets involved, your parents may be in legal trouble if drugs are found in the house. I don't know how you feel about that posibility, just letting you know.

I think that a wilderness camp is a great idea.
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Old 06-11-2007, 12:11 PM
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welcome to S.R. i am very proud of you, you are doing so good with your life. i hope i can help you a little bit. it sounds as if your brother is into drugs big time even if it is pot & alcohol. my addict is my son & my 15 yr. old grand son.i will try to make this short.little j.(my g-son) has lived with every relative he has.his mother is dead & his father stays in prison more in than out. (my a.s) i took little j.in after he went thru all the other relatives.he started sneaking out of the house at age 12,doing pot & alcohol.we all tried to help him.it did not work,he continued to get high & not do the right things.since his father has been home,he was stopped for speeding,no licsens, both were taken to the sheriffs office. the father had just picked up little j. none of his family would come get him. little j.had been drinking.his father was put in jail, nobody would bail him out.social services got involved. the first thing they did was put him in foster care, he ran away,next they put him in a group theraputic home, he keep running away.each time he was found he was either drinking or high. now he is in a locked faculity getting therapy, drug rehab & learning to face responsiabliy.
he has been there 7 weeks & doing good.my advise is for you to talk to his parents(as u call them) & see if they will get some help for him.he is just a kid & maybe can be saved, maybe not. you will have done your best if it doesn't.if the parents do not go along with this i would call social services.it will not get better only worse, if somebody don't care enough to try. whatever happens this is not your fault.you live your life to the fullest.you can not control him or your parents.keep posting & let us know how u r & how your brother is.this is not your problem if you choose not to get involved.your brother will fight you all the way if you do.prayers for all of you.hugs,hope
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Old 06-11-2007, 05:15 PM
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Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Right now I am looking into different treatment programs.

There seems to be many boot camp and "wilderness camps". The ones I have come across seem very expensive, as in $400+ per day.

Does anyone here have any experience with any of these treatment programs? I heard there are some that are around $2000/month or less.
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Old 06-11-2007, 05:34 PM
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I don't have any experience in any of those particular treatment programs but I do have enough under my belt to know it doesn't matter what program you find him. If he doesn't want to go and doesn't want the treatment, it won't work. Like so many others you will be $2000 in the poor house and he will still continue to use. It's a sad truth..........you can lead an addict to recovery, but you can't make him recover. All said with love.
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Old 06-11-2007, 06:14 PM
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[QUOTE=Patriot;1366819]If I were to do this, I would probably try to get my brother alone with me at least for a few hours. Maybe overnight on a camping trip, take him fishing or something. Then, I would tell him my plans and why what I am doing is trying to help.
QUOTE]
I really am impressed with your strength and your vision. Ya know, getting away from the problem and going camping is really awesome. Sometimes just a get away can be very helpful especially when you want to talk to him.

There is a football player at Clemson University who did the very thing you are trying to do. He took his little brother away from his drug addicted mother and is raising him. Google him: Ray Ray McElrathbey
I live in Clemson, so I was very touched by this young mans story.
If you read any bad news about him, he got suspended because he was doing too many Oprah shows and not studying enough, but he's back on track now.
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Old 06-11-2007, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch View Post
I don't have any experience in any of those particular treatment programs but I do have enough under my belt to know it doesn't matter what program you find him. If he doesn't want to go and doesn't want the treatment, it won't work. Like so many others you will be $2000 in the poor house and he will still continue to use. It's a sad truth..........you can lead an addict to recovery, but you can't make him recover. All said with love.
I understand your point. However, there is no way he will recover in his current living conditions. I have been trying to help him for a long time now and things are only getting worse. He is too young to wake up one day and decide "I need to change my life". He can't even begin to comprehend what is at stake. Simply put, he is not going to turn his life around on his own, and neither are his parents. That leaves me, his brother. For many reasons, having him come live with me wouldn't work either therefore really the only hope is to have him placed in a better environment.

I agree with you that there is no magic solution. But, I think his odds for success will be tremendously improved if he is in a positive environment around people who are trying to help and deal with children in his situation on a regular basis. Especially when you consider the alternative, which is in a broken home living with his parents who are addicts themselves.



And for those who are interested, here's an update on my effort to get my brother to go camping with me and have a "heart to heart" talk. So far he has rejected my offer for a day of recreation in the outdoors, but I will try again tonight or tomorrow. I am confident I can win him over with persistence.
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Old 06-11-2007, 08:43 PM
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you really are a good brother,
All of the advice here is great advice, but you have to commit to whatever your choice is so think before you act.

good luck and I'll be praying for you and your brother
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Old 06-12-2007, 06:43 AM
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call your mental health dept.they have ways to get him in a treatment program with no cost to you or the family.if he is using they can help.loves is right, if he does not want the treatment it may not help but with my grandson it is a chance they could say something that will hit a nerve with him & i9t is worth a try. you are such a great young man.just remember it is not your fault.the 3 c's in our program is 1- i did not CAUSE it, 2-i can not CONTROL it 3-i can not CURE it.do what you can do & let it go.prayers,hope
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