that is that
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
that is that
well, had the last day with abf.
I let him come over here last night to sleep off his friday night binge. this morning he gathered up all his stuff. I cried, he was crabby, we talked, the whole thing was rather...dreary.
I kept feeling like he was making me out to be the bad guy -- like we were splitting because of something I was doing (yeah -- or rather not doing any more--putting up with it all).
In the end he told me, "I want the same thing you want" and of course that he was going to get sober and be back.
I drove him back to his place, gave him a hug, wished him luck with his jail sentence and left and he told me I was doing the right thing "I wouldn't want to be with me either. I am amazed you stayed this long."
AND, boy-o-boy am I feeling mixed. I am relieved to have him gone for a while, I have the typical dream in the back of my head that he will get sober, I am trying not to have an expectations, I am thinking of how I can focus on myself and how to combat the loneliness and sorrow and all that.
On another note -- have you guys noticed that there are not so many people around here lately? I hope it means there are less addicts out there, or that people are out in the sunshine enjoying themselves.
I let him come over here last night to sleep off his friday night binge. this morning he gathered up all his stuff. I cried, he was crabby, we talked, the whole thing was rather...dreary.
I kept feeling like he was making me out to be the bad guy -- like we were splitting because of something I was doing (yeah -- or rather not doing any more--putting up with it all).
In the end he told me, "I want the same thing you want" and of course that he was going to get sober and be back.
I drove him back to his place, gave him a hug, wished him luck with his jail sentence and left and he told me I was doing the right thing "I wouldn't want to be with me either. I am amazed you stayed this long."
AND, boy-o-boy am I feeling mixed. I am relieved to have him gone for a while, I have the typical dream in the back of my head that he will get sober, I am trying not to have an expectations, I am thinking of how I can focus on myself and how to combat the loneliness and sorrow and all that.
On another note -- have you guys noticed that there are not so many people around here lately? I hope it means there are less addicts out there, or that people are out in the sunshine enjoying themselves.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Loneliness. Sorrow. Wow that is where I'm at right about now. Feeling sorry for myself to the fullest degree.
I admire your strength and am so proud you are able to accept the situation and make decisions that are right for yourself despite how incredibly difficult it can be emotionally.
I admire your strength and am so proud you are able to accept the situation and make decisions that are right for yourself despite how incredibly difficult it can be emotionally.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Use this time to improve your self. Take a class in something you always wanted to do! This is an opportunity for you to do things you might not have been able to while living with active addiction.
You're worth it.
You're worth it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
It is very hard and you will have your sad missing him moments, many of them. The more you keep busy the easier it gets. When you have a bad moment force yourself to go do something positive.
I had a bad moment today, mad AH wasnt trying to come around, after Ive over and over insisted he not come around.(yeah Im the crazy one) but I caught myself after a few rough sad minutes and said "CIn you cant ahve your cake and eat it too, let him be hes likely hurting to." Then I remembered something someone in alanon said "she didnt want to be in the company of anyone who didnt choose to be around her, if they didnt its their loss." I applied that reality went on with my plans and had an awesome time. Remember why you sent him away, cause if nothing changes, then nothing changes
I had a bad moment today, mad AH wasnt trying to come around, after Ive over and over insisted he not come around.(yeah Im the crazy one) but I caught myself after a few rough sad minutes and said "CIn you cant ahve your cake and eat it too, let him be hes likely hurting to." Then I remembered something someone in alanon said "she didnt want to be in the company of anyone who didnt choose to be around her, if they didnt its their loss." I applied that reality went on with my plans and had an awesome time. Remember why you sent him away, cause if nothing changes, then nothing changes
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Today I got set back a small step from memories. XABF is moving and will be out of the area. This is good.
However, in learning this, I also revistied all the good and bad.. and you know, I am amazed I have survived at all. I have been looking deep into myself and been thinking the largest issue in my life right now is trust.
I think that Steve taught me that trust is something I will never be so free with again. Ever.
I also think he taught me that when I really look at what I want in this life today and in the future, I would be nutz to comprmise that with another relationship.
I never again want to be head over heels for anyone.. I never want to give up me for a relationship or a man ever again.
So, today was revisting day.
I can tell you it is good he is gone. I still have residual anger at his violations of our reltaionship and my trust.
However, as said above, it has given me plenty of time to work on my ptojects and myself. The more I do that the less likely I see any relationships in my future. And, I am fine with that.
However, in learning this, I also revistied all the good and bad.. and you know, I am amazed I have survived at all. I have been looking deep into myself and been thinking the largest issue in my life right now is trust.
I think that Steve taught me that trust is something I will never be so free with again. Ever.
I also think he taught me that when I really look at what I want in this life today and in the future, I would be nutz to comprmise that with another relationship.
I never again want to be head over heels for anyone.. I never want to give up me for a relationship or a man ever again.
So, today was revisting day.
I can tell you it is good he is gone. I still have residual anger at his violations of our reltaionship and my trust.
However, as said above, it has given me plenty of time to work on my ptojects and myself. The more I do that the less likely I see any relationships in my future. And, I am fine with that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
That sounds like many conversations I had with my ex. Cindi is right if you want to get through this you just have to keep moving forward and making yourself do the next right thing. Just look at it like this: this breakup is going to happen someday if he doesn't get sober and clean, it will. It is a good thing that you are standing up for yourself now, that is the way you keep respect for yourself, and get respect from other people. I realize that most things that an addict says are manapulitive and I tried not to think about what mine said to me for more than a minute. In the beginning of the end I used to think in my mind while he was talking:"QUACK...QUACK...QUACK".
I just kept thinking "ACTIONS" speak louder....
I just kept thinking "ACTIONS" speak louder....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by oneeyeopen 
I am thinking of how I can focus on myself and how to combat the loneliness and sorrow and all that.
I was reading on another board and this was posted on their classics page. It did not say who wrote it.
What to Do:
1. Practice/exercise
2. Write letters to long lost friends
3. Homework
4. Get ahead in reading
5. Make a list of all the books you never got to read, then read them one by one
6. Take a friend to get their first library card
7. Take a friend to get their first video rental card
8. Go to the mall (leave your wallet at home)
9. Go for a walk
10. Clean out one drawer of your desk
11. Cook; Prepare an extravagant 6 course meal for one
12. Do dishes in an unordinary way
13. Put your favorite CD on and sing along
14. Surf the net
15. DANCE on the bed (or find out where there are inexpensive lessons to be taken)
16. Volunteer
17. Write a list of life goals
18. Write a poem, paint a picture do all the things you thought you would never have time to do paint your toenails
19. Give yourself a facial, exfoiliate!
20. Change the arrangement of your room
21. Take a 15 minute nap
22. Look in the mirror and find out what you like best about the way you look; tell yourself you are beautiful; think about what you like best about the way you are on the inside; tell yourself you are beautiful on the inside as well
23. Rent a movie you haven't seen since you were little
24. Go to the library and find a book you loved as a child
25. Call your family, give yourself a makeover or go get a make over
26. Organize a girl's night or a slumber party
27. Take pictures of yourself
28. Take pictures of your pets
29. Take pictures of things you like
30. Go places you enjoy
31. Sit on a park bench and watch the clouds
32. Have a picnic in the middle of the floor
33. Eat a piece of fruit verrrrrry verrrrryy slow and pay attention to every move you make
34. Make every moment of your life count and smile.
Also, a couple of books that help me to stay within my own personal self are "Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray" and "What Men Really Want by Herb Goldberg".
Hugs,
Lithloren
This one has me stumped. LOL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
This is a list that is a little bit off in the future after you feel better. It was written by a woman that recently passed away. She inspired and helped a lot of women. I think of her often. She never would have kept herself in the situation that I did. As I said, I think of her often.
Nura's Rules:
1. Act supremely confident.
2. Be feminine.
3. Be mysterious - don't talk too much about yourself.
4. Don't be too available.
5. Don't play therapist.
6. Ignore a man when he's exhibiting behavior you don't like. (Be flirty, not rude when you do this.)
7. Avoid relationship discussions.
8. Go to the gym.
9. Eat your vegetables.
10. Keep your panties on.
11. Smile at men when they do things you like.
12. Warm words. Cool actions.
13. Look the very best you can. Lipstick and high heels.
14. Stay busy.
15. Be like the dream-girls on beer commercials.
16. Never think, "how can I get him back, to love me" etc. BLEH!!! (those are thoughts He should be having not you.)
17. Don't ever let him see you fall apart. It is not attractive.
18. Be absorbed in yourself, not him. Being this way is a man magnet.
19. Men like gorgeous women who ignore them.
20. Don't even think about men who court you in lackluster ways.
21. Be perky, fun, light and breezy.
22. Create allure.
23. Men are attracted to women who want the very best they can get and who yawn over men who don't give it to them.
24. Be playful.
25. Men who are serious about you do not have to force themselves to be attentive or affectionate or spend time with you. They have the opposite problem. They are trying harder to not call you every day and ask you out constantly.
26. Never be a puppy-dog girl doormat.
27. Leave room for men to have the terrifying thought, "what if she doesn't like me?" Men need to experience this thought over and over to bond to a woman.
28. Never pursue a man. Never be interested when a guy demonstrates he is not interested in you...
29. Force yourself to stop being interested in men who don't pursue you hard and very consistently.
30. Never take the lead.
31. Never solve men's problems. Men like to solve their own problems.
32. Remember every man wants to be a knight in shining armor.
33. Leave men alone. Don't chase men and throw yourself at them. It will only turn him off...
34. Be a challenge. Be hard to get and let them chase you...
35. Men like no. They are turned off by yes-girls. If you say yes to everything they will think you are a whacko. They will think you aren't worth anything.
Lithloren
Nura's Rules:
1. Act supremely confident.
2. Be feminine.
3. Be mysterious - don't talk too much about yourself.
4. Don't be too available.
5. Don't play therapist.
6. Ignore a man when he's exhibiting behavior you don't like. (Be flirty, not rude when you do this.)
7. Avoid relationship discussions.
8. Go to the gym.
9. Eat your vegetables.
10. Keep your panties on.
11. Smile at men when they do things you like.
12. Warm words. Cool actions.
13. Look the very best you can. Lipstick and high heels.
14. Stay busy.
15. Be like the dream-girls on beer commercials.
16. Never think, "how can I get him back, to love me" etc. BLEH!!! (those are thoughts He should be having not you.)
17. Don't ever let him see you fall apart. It is not attractive.
18. Be absorbed in yourself, not him. Being this way is a man magnet.
19. Men like gorgeous women who ignore them.
20. Don't even think about men who court you in lackluster ways.
21. Be perky, fun, light and breezy.
22. Create allure.
23. Men are attracted to women who want the very best they can get and who yawn over men who don't give it to them.
24. Be playful.
25. Men who are serious about you do not have to force themselves to be attentive or affectionate or spend time with you. They have the opposite problem. They are trying harder to not call you every day and ask you out constantly.
26. Never be a puppy-dog girl doormat.
27. Leave room for men to have the terrifying thought, "what if she doesn't like me?" Men need to experience this thought over and over to bond to a woman.
28. Never pursue a man. Never be interested when a guy demonstrates he is not interested in you...
29. Force yourself to stop being interested in men who don't pursue you hard and very consistently.
30. Never take the lead.
31. Never solve men's problems. Men like to solve their own problems.
32. Remember every man wants to be a knight in shining armor.
33. Leave men alone. Don't chase men and throw yourself at them. It will only turn him off...
34. Be a challenge. Be hard to get and let them chase you...
35. Men like no. They are turned off by yes-girls. If you say yes to everything they will think you are a whacko. They will think you aren't worth anything.
Lithloren
) sorry..........couldn't resist.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
OMG, this thread sure has gotten my attention.. LOL
I was going to suggest adding to 10.. not only keep your panties on, don't let 'em get in a bunch!
Seriously, the way to move on is to first get out and do things that are different from your routine. Whenever you give up something (food, BF, GF, Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, obsessing, etc.) you need to find an alternate behavior to replace what you have given up. Not my thinking.. this is the ever present Dr. Phil who said this.
So, how do you stop? You don't concentrate on stopping. You concentrate on STARTING....
And if starting means doing the dishes in the nude, well, all I can say is go for it and make sure your neighbors don't have digicams and your shades are drawn or you may see yourself on U-tube or MySpace....
I was going to suggest adding to 10.. not only keep your panties on, don't let 'em get in a bunch!
Seriously, the way to move on is to first get out and do things that are different from your routine. Whenever you give up something (food, BF, GF, Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, obsessing, etc.) you need to find an alternate behavior to replace what you have given up. Not my thinking.. this is the ever present Dr. Phil who said this.
So, how do you stop? You don't concentrate on stopping. You concentrate on STARTING....
And if starting means doing the dishes in the nude, well, all I can say is go for it and make sure your neighbors don't have digicams and your shades are drawn or you may see yourself on U-tube or MySpace....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Also, if doing dishes in the nude, watch out if you have a dog. He'll be intrigued and will most likely "goose" you when your hands are in the soapy water.
Trust me on this one.
Cats
Trust me on this one.
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
Also, if doing dishes in the nude, watch out if you have a dog. He'll be intrigued and will most likely "goose" you when your hands are in the soapy water.
Trust me on this one.
Cats
Trust me on this one.
Cats
Thanks Cats,
I have two dogs. I'll be careful
Lithloren
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