New? Don't know at this point
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: north carolina
Posts: 19
New? Don't know at this point
Hello all
I think the last time I came to this site was maybe a year ago. I wish I could say I am better. No such luck.
My drinking is way out of control. I feel lousy. I am a professional with a big secret. A secret my hubby doesn't even know (he travels a lot, I drink alone). I keep telling myself today is the day...I'm going to get it together. Nope, isn't happening. I can't do this on my own. I do NOT want to go to AA in my town. My town is so small, and I am so afraid of exposure. I am a teacher. My drinking has not affected my job, or my reputation, but if I keep this up, it will. If I don't get it together soon, the chances I take will soon expose my dirty little secret.
I keep telling myself I can control this. I can drink like normal people. I have proven to myself over and over and OVER that I cannot. I really do believe at this point that this is bigger than me, and that I need help before it ruins me. I think I am going to try a therapist before I actually go to AA. I know most people at this point will tell me to go straight to AA. It's like this, though. My drinking is a symptom of a bigger problem that I have left unresolved. A problem that feeds this drinking. If I can get to the bottom of these issues, then I will not abuse alcohol anymore. I do not want to spend the rest of my life sitting in a room talling about alcoholism. I want to talk about my other issues, with a professional therapist. Don't judge...I am just venting. I don't want my drinking problem to be the center of my life after I quit. I am, however, more than willing to spend all the time it might take to get to the real issue.
Man, reading this I sound like I am in complete denial. Maybe I am.
What drives us to drink...the drink, or the issues that lie beneath? As a pattern in my life thus far, I have confronted issues head on, solved them, and moved on a better person. This one...folks, it controls me and I hate this. The loss of control is killing me.
To top it, I thought maybe I'd switch to beer...you know...ya don't get drunk off that stuuf if you just sip it slow. Now, as a person very body conscious, I have gained unwanted weight from too many beers.
Man, I am so frustrtated and pisseed at myself for gettng to this point.
I know y'all are great listeners, and I thank you. Not sure what I'll do from here
I think the last time I came to this site was maybe a year ago. I wish I could say I am better. No such luck.
My drinking is way out of control. I feel lousy. I am a professional with a big secret. A secret my hubby doesn't even know (he travels a lot, I drink alone). I keep telling myself today is the day...I'm going to get it together. Nope, isn't happening. I can't do this on my own. I do NOT want to go to AA in my town. My town is so small, and I am so afraid of exposure. I am a teacher. My drinking has not affected my job, or my reputation, but if I keep this up, it will. If I don't get it together soon, the chances I take will soon expose my dirty little secret.
I keep telling myself I can control this. I can drink like normal people. I have proven to myself over and over and OVER that I cannot. I really do believe at this point that this is bigger than me, and that I need help before it ruins me. I think I am going to try a therapist before I actually go to AA. I know most people at this point will tell me to go straight to AA. It's like this, though. My drinking is a symptom of a bigger problem that I have left unresolved. A problem that feeds this drinking. If I can get to the bottom of these issues, then I will not abuse alcohol anymore. I do not want to spend the rest of my life sitting in a room talling about alcoholism. I want to talk about my other issues, with a professional therapist. Don't judge...I am just venting. I don't want my drinking problem to be the center of my life after I quit. I am, however, more than willing to spend all the time it might take to get to the real issue.
Man, reading this I sound like I am in complete denial. Maybe I am.
What drives us to drink...the drink, or the issues that lie beneath? As a pattern in my life thus far, I have confronted issues head on, solved them, and moved on a better person. This one...folks, it controls me and I hate this. The loss of control is killing me.
To top it, I thought maybe I'd switch to beer...you know...ya don't get drunk off that stuuf if you just sip it slow. Now, as a person very body conscious, I have gained unwanted weight from too many beers.
Man, I am so frustrtated and pisseed at myself for gettng to this point.
I know y'all are great listeners, and I thank you. Not sure what I'll do from here
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: des moines, ia
Posts: 19
Paloma...
I am also a teacher... I teach HS English. Check out my post below... "i am bad." I can definitely relate to your situation. You can do this. Today CAN be the day. If you choose to make it so. You can do this. It will be hard. It will suck. But you CAN do this. It's about loving yourself. It's about accepting that you're not perfect. You are not alone, and you CAN do this.
I am also a teacher... I teach HS English. Check out my post below... "i am bad." I can definitely relate to your situation. You can do this. Today CAN be the day. If you choose to make it so. You can do this. It will be hard. It will suck. But you CAN do this. It's about loving yourself. It's about accepting that you're not perfect. You are not alone, and you CAN do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central California
Posts: 246
welcome
Glad to have you here with us Paloma. I also live in a small town and my reasons for not going to AA were the same as yours. Indeed since I've started going I've seen a woman I went to school with and another that I work with. I no longer care about who sees me at the meetings; I figure they're at the meetings for the same reason I am. I care more about my sobriety than ANYTHING else. So please give it some more thought. Maybe you could even go to a nearby town to attend meetings. Best wishes to you and please keep posting.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome
I'm glad you found us. I have to say when I read your post about how it was your dirty little secret, it was deja vu. I was convinced that no one knew that I drank and that my husband had no idea that I drank alone when he was away (he travelled a lot too) or out of the house. What I learned much later, was that everyone knew - my family, my friends, my neighbors and my coworkers.
I think alcoholism is always a symptom of underlying issues. The problem is that alcoholism is a disease unto itself. So I did have to deal with the problems in my life, but I also had to deal with my addiction to alcohol. I'm not an AA person either and did stop drinking on my own. But, I have to work at it every day in order to remain on the road to recovery. And, I don't mean that I think about drinking anymore, but that my issues, my demons can return, if I allow them to creep in. And, that's where the hard work comes in.
You can find lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
I'm glad you found us. I have to say when I read your post about how it was your dirty little secret, it was deja vu. I was convinced that no one knew that I drank and that my husband had no idea that I drank alone when he was away (he travelled a lot too) or out of the house. What I learned much later, was that everyone knew - my family, my friends, my neighbors and my coworkers.
I think alcoholism is always a symptom of underlying issues. The problem is that alcoholism is a disease unto itself. So I did have to deal with the problems in my life, but I also had to deal with my addiction to alcohol. I'm not an AA person either and did stop drinking on my own. But, I have to work at it every day in order to remain on the road to recovery. And, I don't mean that I think about drinking anymore, but that my issues, my demons can return, if I allow them to creep in. And, that's where the hard work comes in.
You can find lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by paloma 
Man, reading this I sound like I am in complete denial.
My dad was a drinker and a teacher so I was able to see the behind the scenes stuff.
My drinking has not affected my job
Teachers that my own children had when in school...because of my own background and understanding, I knew who was and who wasn't most times. Many times we think no one knows but we may find out later that more knew then we thought.
AA, a therapist (that may even tell you go to AA) or what ever kind of support you can find that will work for you is a great idea.
I have confronted issues head on, solved them, and moved on a better person. This one...folks, it controls me and I hate this. The loss of control is killing me.
You can do it. You will find there are many who are teachers here that can relate with you as well. Your not alone. Gather in the support even if you find you can try things on your own. Why work hard when we can work smart.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Welcome !
There's a High School teacher (female) in my Sunday night meeting.
I'll second what others have said, people know. And, I hate to say it, but it IS affecting your job, you just can't see it.
AA was the last thing I wanted to do. I think it's the last thing ANY of us wanted to do. I tried everything you can think of, and I couldn't stop. Paradoxically, AA is the one thing I found that works. Not only am I sober, I've learned how to live. I kno longer hate life.
Good luck to you.
There's a High School teacher (female) in my Sunday night meeting.
I'll second what others have said, people know. And, I hate to say it, but it IS affecting your job, you just can't see it.
AA was the last thing I wanted to do. I think it's the last thing ANY of us wanted to do. I tried everything you can think of, and I couldn't stop. Paradoxically, AA is the one thing I found that works. Not only am I sober, I've learned how to live. I kno longer hate life.
Good luck to you.
came-came to-came to believe
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,116
Man, I am so frustrtated and pisseed at myself for gettng to this point
I'm an alcoholic. It doesn't really matter how-when or why I am. And yes-I totally agree that my drinking also is a symptom of a bigger problems that I have left unresolved however that's where the 12 steps of AA come in-it teaches me how to "live".
AA, in my opinion, is a program for living, plain and simple. The "drinking" is actually a very small part of it believe it or not. I drank because I could not deal with life on life's terms.
Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable
The rest of it is an amazing process, an amazing journey.
You'll never understand unless you give a shot.
Namaste!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: north carolina
Posts: 19
Wow
Your posts really have me thinking. Geez...could people know. Damn it...I'd certainly like to think not. I am an award winning teacher, damn it. But y'all are right...once you get to this point of realization, you can't help but wonder. I've never been drunk in public, but I guess it is possible...
My reason for coming back...one of my graduates was killed in an accident 3 days ago. He had been drinking. My sad truth is that I have been sitting in my house crying and ...drinking. This is how I deal with this loss???
I stand before my student on Friday as we all sit on shock, and beg them to make better choices. And then I go home....and you cna guess the rest of the story.
My reason for coming back...one of my graduates was killed in an accident 3 days ago. He had been drinking. My sad truth is that I have been sitting in my house crying and ...drinking. This is how I deal with this loss???
I stand before my student on Friday as we all sit on shock, and beg them to make better choices. And then I go home....and you cna guess the rest of the story.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
That must be very hard to deal with, and I know that feeling - when you look at yourself and can't believe this is your life.
I was never drunk in public and very, very rarely drank in public. But, people knew. They can smell it the day after and I was oblivious to this. Looking back I see that my appearance changed. I lost some weight, because the sugar in the alcohol killed my appetite. I acted differently even when I was 'sober' and I was in complete denial. I withdrew and stayed home more, looking for more excuses to drink alone.
This horrible accident could be the reason that you make a positive change in your life. We're here to offer support.
I was never drunk in public and very, very rarely drank in public. But, people knew. They can smell it the day after and I was oblivious to this. Looking back I see that my appearance changed. I lost some weight, because the sugar in the alcohol killed my appetite. I acted differently even when I was 'sober' and I was in complete denial. I withdrew and stayed home more, looking for more excuses to drink alone.
This horrible accident could be the reason that you make a positive change in your life. We're here to offer support.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
If you live in a small town I know people talk. People asume and like to spin that rumor mill. I use to live in a small town. I know how it is.
It doesnt matter what awards you have. If you have a problem ..none of that is gonna make a difference.
Not being rude...But sounds to me you need to come down a few notches and relize addiction can affect anyone. Regardless of who they are or what they do.
You were quick to say dont judge in your first post. Nobody here judges anyone because we are all in the same fight here.
But it looks like you are judging yourself.
There is help if you want it. But in order to achieve it. You cant be too proud to admit you are powerless over it.
I wish you the best.
And please dont take my post wrong. It was not meant to be negative.
Just pointing out a few things I see is all.
It doesnt matter what awards you have. If you have a problem ..none of that is gonna make a difference.
Not being rude...But sounds to me you need to come down a few notches and relize addiction can affect anyone. Regardless of who they are or what they do.
You were quick to say dont judge in your first post. Nobody here judges anyone because we are all in the same fight here.
But it looks like you are judging yourself.
There is help if you want it. But in order to achieve it. You cant be too proud to admit you are powerless over it.
I wish you the best.
And please dont take my post wrong. It was not meant to be negative.
Just pointing out a few things I see is all.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Welcome
A lot of folks speak very eloquently here, I'm not one of them..
All I can do is reiterate what has been said...take that step. You aren't alone. We all thought we were better than that. We aren't. I promise you, whatever way you choose to do it, life, all of it, is better sober.
Big hugs,
Karen
All I can do is reiterate what has been said...take that step. You aren't alone. We all thought we were better than that. We aren't. I promise you, whatever way you choose to do it, life, all of it, is better sober.
Big hugs,
Karen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: north carolina
Posts: 19
Thanks
No need to apologize. Thank you. I am aware that I have become defensive. It's hard to take that I have gotten to this point in my life. My position makes me no better than others, it's just that at this point how do I tuck my tail betweeen my legs and move on??
My husband has just opened another office, new to this town. "Image" is EVERYTHING. I can't blow this no matter which way I turn. I have to be very careful. It ALL makes me feel like I have to deal with this myself.
Damn it...I need this site, and maybe more.
I can't even begin to touch the surface here...but I'd like to just keep posting.
My husband has just opened another office, new to this town. "Image" is EVERYTHING. I can't blow this no matter which way I turn. I have to be very careful. It ALL makes me feel like I have to deal with this myself.
Damn it...I need this site, and maybe more.
I can't even begin to touch the surface here...but I'd like to just keep posting.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
hi Paloma,
Welcome to SR, glad you found us. You seem to be off to a great start, focus on you and what you can do to put down the booze and leave it down.
Good to see you are going to keep posting, better than getting hammered eh!
Kevin
Welcome to SR, glad you found us. You seem to be off to a great start, focus on you and what you can do to put down the booze and leave it down.
Good to see you are going to keep posting, better than getting hammered eh!
Kevin
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by paloma
I think I am going to try a therapist before I actually go to AA.
Remove one word from this statment, and it becomes an ACTION. Instead of "thinking" about going to a theripist, make an appointment. And as others have mentioned, the first thing the theripist may suggest is going to an AA meeting. If you go to a theripist are you willing to at least try their advice? If not, you are just wasting your money.
I'm not just saying it, I've lived it. I wasted hours of my time giving lip service to a theripist, whining about my "issues", etc., but was unwilling to actually DO anything about them. I do not participate in a 12-step recovery program, but I have tried it and still use things I've learned there. I also use other recovery programs, such as SMART and Lifering, and I've actually started trying some of the things my theripist suggests. There is no "magic" cure. He doesn't have all of the answers, if he did, he'd be a very wealthy man indeed!!
It is a great first step, reaching out here. It is an action step. But know you have to take some of the suggestions and at least give them a try. BTW, the "rumor" that AA is some kind of "life long sentence", is just not true. There are those who say if you don't keep going to meetings forever you are bound to relapse. That may be true for THEM, and perhaps it may be true for you as well, but the vast majority of people with long term sobriety who continue to go to meetings do so because they actually like it!! I know...kinda hard for me to believe too!! It really is true though.
Congrats for reaching out for help. I wish you all of the best. Take care.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Originally Posted by tyler
but the vast majority of people with long term sobriety who continue to go to meetings do so because they actually like it!! I know...kinda hard for me to believe too!! It really is true though.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 294
Hi, Paloma.
Man, I got this weird feeling inside when I read your first post. You sound a lot like I did not too long ago.
Everybody who's responded has given you solid advice.
When I was drinking I was convinced that it was my little secret. You may be better at hiding it than I was, but it was definitely no secret that I was drinking.
Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. If you knew someone was addressing an issue that was making his/her life unmanageable, would you look down upon that person for doing so? Also, you can go to closed meetings... anyone you meet there will be an alcoholic as well. Many alcoholics are highly esteemed in their communities. U.S. congressmen go to AA meetings and are public about it.
I tried going to therapy while drinking and was told by three different therapists that they could not work with me until I got sober. I - like many other alcoholics - have numerous underlying issues. It was impossible to address those issues without first addressing my alcoholism.
Basically, my point is that I hope you can be open-minded. Even if you can get through this without AA, please be open-minded. Your life is too important.
Hope I don't sound too harsh.
Very best wishes.
Man, I got this weird feeling inside when I read your first post. You sound a lot like I did not too long ago.
Everybody who's responded has given you solid advice.
When I was drinking I was convinced that it was my little secret. You may be better at hiding it than I was, but it was definitely no secret that I was drinking.
Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. If you knew someone was addressing an issue that was making his/her life unmanageable, would you look down upon that person for doing so? Also, you can go to closed meetings... anyone you meet there will be an alcoholic as well. Many alcoholics are highly esteemed in their communities. U.S. congressmen go to AA meetings and are public about it.
I tried going to therapy while drinking and was told by three different therapists that they could not work with me until I got sober. I - like many other alcoholics - have numerous underlying issues. It was impossible to address those issues without first addressing my alcoholism.
Basically, my point is that I hope you can be open-minded. Even if you can get through this without AA, please be open-minded. Your life is too important.
Hope I don't sound too harsh.
Very best wishes.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi and Welcome!...
Please come over to our Alcoholism forum
and read the top sticky
There is also a list of recovery programs as a sticky post.
Paloma! ...do not try to quit without medical supervision/advice.
This is dangerous and not wise.
I do hope you find your answers because
Sobriety Rocks!
Please come over to our Alcoholism forum
and read the top sticky
There is also a list of recovery programs as a sticky post.
Paloma! ...do not try to quit without medical supervision/advice.
This is dangerous and not wise.
I do hope you find your answers because
Sobriety Rocks!
Last edited by CarolD; 06-09-2007 at 11:11 PM. Reason: Added
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 42
Hello, Paloma!
I'm a secret drinker in NC too and can totally relate to your not wanting to go to AA - I know recovery is important but the thought of running into someone I know terrifies me (I'm not very social to start with, so even the meeting idea does not appeal). These folks here are a great help, though - glad you found SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: north carolina
Posts: 19
Thanks
I'm doing this.
I will research when the next meeting is and where.
I leave for a 2 week vacation in 2 days...this scares me.
I've got that "I'll never drink again" hangover right now, but that goes away and is quickly forgotten. I've been here so many times.
Anyway, I'm ready to get healthy.
Funny...I gave up drinking for Lent this year. I felt like I was on top of the world, for 2 months!!! Wow...I grew so much spiritually and just never felt better. I reminded myself daily of how good it felt, and thought about keeping it up. But I didn't. Had drinks on Easter (the very day Lent ends!). A Lenten promise is supposed to be a sacrifice. I felt a bit confused but elated at the end of the journey because I realized it wasn't a sacrifice at all. Man, I should not have let that go....
I need to talk to my husband about this today too. He is out of town. This is going to be hard.
I'll post again later after we talk. Oh boy...
I will research when the next meeting is and where.
I leave for a 2 week vacation in 2 days...this scares me.
I've got that "I'll never drink again" hangover right now, but that goes away and is quickly forgotten. I've been here so many times.
Anyway, I'm ready to get healthy.
Funny...I gave up drinking for Lent this year. I felt like I was on top of the world, for 2 months!!! Wow...I grew so much spiritually and just never felt better. I reminded myself daily of how good it felt, and thought about keeping it up. But I didn't. Had drinks on Easter (the very day Lent ends!). A Lenten promise is supposed to be a sacrifice. I felt a bit confused but elated at the end of the journey because I realized it wasn't a sacrifice at all. Man, I should not have let that go....
I need to talk to my husband about this today too. He is out of town. This is going to be hard.
I'll post again later after we talk. Oh boy...
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