what do i say to the kids?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
what do i say to the kids?
I have never told the kids anything about their dads drug problem. and i dont think they know anything..just that he has a temper...i just feel that they dont need to knkow all the details of our marital probelms right now and that im just not sure about it being the right thing.
they are asking things like "why cant i see daddy?" (restraining order). When can diddy come home...why cant you give daddy one more chance..its never been as bad ad this before, and this time he'll do better because he knows. even though my daughter had witnessed her mom being grabbed by her dad and not the first time him being threatening to me, she still wants him home...its her dad...why shouldnt she..
what is the best way to handle this with them... i know that they might end up hating me for trying to protect hem becaue how can they possibly understand adult situations...
any advice from those of you who have been there?
they are asking things like "why cant i see daddy?" (restraining order). When can diddy come home...why cant you give daddy one more chance..its never been as bad ad this before, and this time he'll do better because he knows. even though my daughter had witnessed her mom being grabbed by her dad and not the first time him being threatening to me, she still wants him home...its her dad...why shouldnt she..
what is the best way to handle this with them... i know that they might end up hating me for trying to protect hem becaue how can they possibly understand adult situations...
any advice from those of you who have been there?
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hi,
I have most definitely been there, done that, got THREE tee shirts. LOL! Not that it is funny at all, it sucks.
First, how old are they? Depending on the answer to that, I'm betting that they already know a lot more than you think they do. I 'protected' my two older kids from the truth, too, but they knew something was very very wrong with our family. They just didn't know what it was. I have been much more honest with my youngest (he's almost 11, though, and yours may be much younger).
I am a firm believer in being as honest with kids as you can based on their age and ability to understand. I believe that if you aren't honest, it just perpetuates the cycle of lying and keeping the 'family secret'. The kids then get as confused as we do when we are trying to live with addiction, because they are taught that they can't rely on their own eyes and ears, and they are taught that the feelings they feel are somehow wrong. And they learn a very skewed way to handle relationships.
Just my opinion, though, so 'take what you can use and leave the rest' as they say here. ((((HUGS))))
I have most definitely been there, done that, got THREE tee shirts. LOL! Not that it is funny at all, it sucks.
First, how old are they? Depending on the answer to that, I'm betting that they already know a lot more than you think they do. I 'protected' my two older kids from the truth, too, but they knew something was very very wrong with our family. They just didn't know what it was. I have been much more honest with my youngest (he's almost 11, though, and yours may be much younger).
I am a firm believer in being as honest with kids as you can based on their age and ability to understand. I believe that if you aren't honest, it just perpetuates the cycle of lying and keeping the 'family secret'. The kids then get as confused as we do when we are trying to live with addiction, because they are taught that they can't rely on their own eyes and ears, and they are taught that the feelings they feel are somehow wrong. And they learn a very skewed way to handle relationships.
Just my opinion, though, so 'take what you can use and leave the rest' as they say here. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
my kids are 12 and 10..sorry i left out that imp. info. i agree in a way that they should know the truth..they both learned about it in school. But i dont want them ever to think, "hey, my dad did that, why can't I" and i dont want them to feel any more loss of self esteem for having a dad with a drug problem..i may also be too overwhelmig for them right now .
also, my ah the night of the big argument,...he came after me because he thought he heard me telling my daughter "daddy uses drugs"....again, i am thinking of him first, like my therapist has told me seems to be a pattern with me. i know how much that would hurt and devestate him..but i guess because i still care for him, i wouldnt want to do that to him.
also, my ah the night of the big argument,...he came after me because he thought he heard me telling my daughter "daddy uses drugs"....again, i am thinking of him first, like my therapist has told me seems to be a pattern with me. i know how much that would hurt and devestate him..but i guess because i still care for him, i wouldnt want to do that to him.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I used the term "your dad is sick right now. He has a disease called addiction and needs to get some help. Your father loves you very much, but isn't himself right now." Most importantly............letting them know repeatedly if needed that it's not their fault makes a big difference. Overwhelming for them might be not knowing the truth and having to try and figure out on their own what's going on.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by duet_4-8 
First, how old are they? Depending on the answer to that, I'm betting that they already know a lot more than you think they do. I 'protected' my two older kids from the truth, too, but they knew something was very very wrong with our family. They just didn't know what it was. I have been much more honest with my youngest (he's almost 11, though, and yours may be much younger).
I am a firm believer in being as honest with kids as you can based on their age and ability to understand. I believe that if you aren't honest, it just perpetuates the cycle of lying and keeping the 'family secret'. The kids then get as confused as we do when we are trying to live with addiction, because they are taught that they can't rely on their own eyes and ears, and they are taught that the feelings they feel are somehow wrong. And they learn a very skewed way to handle relationships.
They are part of the family, too. They deserve the respect of knowing and being informed.
That's just my 2 cents...take it or leave it.
I know Drainedwife, that you have so many things to think about. Take one at a tome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 107
I agree with PP's, but also suspect that your kids already know what is going on. An honest and open discussion about that might be in order, starting with "Your father had a disease called addiction" and then let go from there. To be frank, this will not be easy if your children truly open up and express how this has affected them - but it will be therapeutic for them.
IMO, and really just my opinion, the worst ways we react to addiction is to cover it up or make excuses. Once you give the problem a name and a definition and allow family to discuss it, the floodgates open, the feeback is hard to hear, but at least you have concrete words to respond to.
Best wishes to you.
CIM
IMO, and really just my opinion, the worst ways we react to addiction is to cover it up or make excuses. Once you give the problem a name and a definition and allow family to discuss it, the floodgates open, the feeback is hard to hear, but at least you have concrete words to respond to.
Best wishes to you.
CIM
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I repeatedly told my "step-children" that this is not normal. This is not the way I grew up. That I never heard my parents call each other names or throw things...blah blah. I really wanted them to know that this was not the way families were and give them a picture of what it was without all this.
Sheeez...this was all they had ever known. I had to tell them the other side!
Years later,....I maintain a fake "godmother" relationship with the daughter and one day when she is 16 she tells me.....there isn't anything about dad that you can tell me that I haven't seen. And she tells me what she has seen. I have loved her since she was 4! She didn't miss anything. She just knew the rule was "don't talk about it"
and don't stir him up or things up. She has been "faking it" for 12 years. She has been just going along with it......but bless grace, she is intelligent...not with her father and is able to see thro' her own eyes. And, someday...she and I are going to make it big! Because I believe in her and she believes in me!
I don't know what she was told growing up. Her dad tried to put alot of crap in her head about her mom, but she just resented it.. She knew the truth. She knew who took care of her. And....she knew who embaressed her and used her for show!
Smart cookie that youngun'.......if I have my way you all will be seeing her on tv in journalism.! But then again she might be a veternarian.
TELL THEM THE TRUTH....they all ready know it.! Don't make them play fake, as she had to!
Yeah, I took her to a wedding......and we worked out our story for DAD because he is not stable and we don't need the trouble.
She had her first dance with a man with my husband. She took a small sip of champagne for the wedding toast. She went to the after party. She was looked after ALL the time. This is all normal.
That's the best I can do......show what normal is. And speak up for it.
And say what normal isn't! Normal isn't......your dad being drunk and talking like that and acting like that, normal isn't having a new girlfriend every weekend, normal isn't calling names, throwing things, cancelling plans.....and generally being a jacka$$
Sheeez...this was all they had ever known. I had to tell them the other side!
Years later,....I maintain a fake "godmother" relationship with the daughter and one day when she is 16 she tells me.....there isn't anything about dad that you can tell me that I haven't seen. And she tells me what she has seen. I have loved her since she was 4! She didn't miss anything. She just knew the rule was "don't talk about it"
and don't stir him up or things up. She has been "faking it" for 12 years. She has been just going along with it......but bless grace, she is intelligent...not with her father and is able to see thro' her own eyes. And, someday...she and I are going to make it big! Because I believe in her and she believes in me!
I don't know what she was told growing up. Her dad tried to put alot of crap in her head about her mom, but she just resented it.. She knew the truth. She knew who took care of her. And....she knew who embaressed her and used her for show!
Smart cookie that youngun'.......if I have my way you all will be seeing her on tv in journalism.! But then again she might be a veternarian.
TELL THEM THE TRUTH....they all ready know it.! Don't make them play fake, as she had to!
Yeah, I took her to a wedding......and we worked out our story for DAD because he is not stable and we don't need the trouble.
She had her first dance with a man with my husband. She took a small sip of champagne for the wedding toast. She went to the after party. She was looked after ALL the time. This is all normal.
That's the best I can do......show what normal is. And speak up for it.
And say what normal isn't! Normal isn't......your dad being drunk and talking like that and acting like that, normal isn't having a new girlfriend every weekend, normal isn't calling names, throwing things, cancelling plans.....and generally being a jacka$$
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
(((DrainedWife)))
IMHO, You are putting your AH over your children by not telling them their father has a disease called addiction. At the ages they are I think they already know anyway. Kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for & what we think is secret they already know. You are so worried that your AH would be devestated if the children knew the truth about him??? How right is that??? Kids know the truth & kids also deserve the truth from us their parents. You seem to care more about him than about anything else. Does AH care about you & your children when he is using. Your AH has a choice, every addict does & he is choosing drugs over you & your children.
IMHO, You are putting your AH over your children by not telling them their father has a disease called addiction. At the ages they are I think they already know anyway. Kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for & what we think is secret they already know. You are so worried that your AH would be devestated if the children knew the truth about him??? How right is that??? Kids know the truth & kids also deserve the truth from us their parents. You seem to care more about him than about anything else. Does AH care about you & your children when he is using. Your AH has a choice, every addict does & he is choosing drugs over you & your children.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I have to agree that they are old enough to know the truth, and I am betting that they know already. As far as protecting his reputation with his kids, that really isn't your job, it's his. Of course they need to be told that he loves them, as much as he can love them, but they deserve to have a name for what is going on in their lives.
This is a possibility either way, if you talk to them or don't. IMHO, it is a lot more likely if you don't. I think that the first step in healthy self esteem is honesty in relationships; hiding the truth just hurts.
My son (10) just came in here, and I asked his opinion. Here it is:
"They're old enough to know the truth. If you don't tell them, and they find out, they will not trust you as much as they used to. You should tell them easily and tell them that they should always love their father no matter what he does and that it is not their fault."
Out of the mouths of babes........
Originally Posted by drainedwife
But i dont want them ever to think, "hey, my dad did that, why can't I" and i dont want them to feel any more loss of self esteem for having a dad with a drug problem..
My son (10) just came in here, and I asked his opinion. Here it is:
"They're old enough to know the truth. If you don't tell them, and they find out, they will not trust you as much as they used to. You should tell them easily and tell them that they should always love their father no matter what he does and that it is not their fault."
Out of the mouths of babes........
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Drainedwife,
I would talk to your children and tell them dad is sick. They learn alot in school with the Dare programs. They will understand addiction, but please let them know that it isn't their fault and it is okay to still love their dad. Once he is better they can see him again, but until then you want to keep them safe.
They don't need to know everything that is wrong with the marriage just that dad is sick and needs to get help.
Good luck.
I would talk to your children and tell them dad is sick. They learn alot in school with the Dare programs. They will understand addiction, but please let them know that it isn't their fault and it is okay to still love their dad. Once he is better they can see him again, but until then you want to keep them safe.
They don't need to know everything that is wrong with the marriage just that dad is sick and needs to get help.
Good luck.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
