GRRRRR "They" just don't get it
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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GRRRRR "They" just don't get it
Sometimes I honestly forget that New Guy is a Normie, more or less. He has his own matched set of baggage, believe me, but as far as I can tell it's not alcohol or addiction related - just weirdo family dynamics.
The other night, my younger son and his friend stopped by around supper time. Son and I had spoken, I knew it was possible they would drop in. I also knew, since he's my A, that he might show up and he might not even though he said he would be here. You know how it goes, I don't ever plan on it, so if we're having something special he gets a sandwich or leftovers because I don't always cook enough.
Son and friend had "that look" that said they had probably been smoking pot. I have adopted a "don't ask don't tell" policy with regards to that... it's where I am comfortable. Son and I have done our battles, gone to our respective corners to nurse our wounds, and have evolved into a boundary filled relationship that works for both of us.
And now, back to New Guy. He doesn't understand why I would condone such behavior. It's his belief that I am giving my explicit approval by allowing my son into my home knowing he might have smoked pot earlier in the day. I started to talk about my boundaries, the fact that my son is no longer allowed to live with me, that I don't pay for bail or fines etc, he doesn't drive my car, yada yada yada and New Guy wasn't hearing me. He just thinks it's horrible that I "approve of" and "allow" my son to smoke pot.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
And with all my years of Al Anon, I found myself arguing with him, justifying my behavior, etc etc. The more I talked, the worse it got.
And then my HP stepped in and it was over. I was able to stop myself in mid-sentence and say, "I hear what you're saying, and for now let's agree to disagree. I have made decisions, choices and set boundaries that I can live with based on my program of recovery."
And then I stomped and stewed and slept fitfully all night. Normies just don't get it. And trying to explain some things about OUR life to them is like trying to argue with an addict, which is the same as standing outside, shaking my fist at the sky and telling it to stop raining.
GRRRRRR.
Cats
The other night, my younger son and his friend stopped by around supper time. Son and I had spoken, I knew it was possible they would drop in. I also knew, since he's my A, that he might show up and he might not even though he said he would be here. You know how it goes, I don't ever plan on it, so if we're having something special he gets a sandwich or leftovers because I don't always cook enough.
Son and friend had "that look" that said they had probably been smoking pot. I have adopted a "don't ask don't tell" policy with regards to that... it's where I am comfortable. Son and I have done our battles, gone to our respective corners to nurse our wounds, and have evolved into a boundary filled relationship that works for both of us.
And now, back to New Guy. He doesn't understand why I would condone such behavior. It's his belief that I am giving my explicit approval by allowing my son into my home knowing he might have smoked pot earlier in the day. I started to talk about my boundaries, the fact that my son is no longer allowed to live with me, that I don't pay for bail or fines etc, he doesn't drive my car, yada yada yada and New Guy wasn't hearing me. He just thinks it's horrible that I "approve of" and "allow" my son to smoke pot.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
And with all my years of Al Anon, I found myself arguing with him, justifying my behavior, etc etc. The more I talked, the worse it got.
And then my HP stepped in and it was over. I was able to stop myself in mid-sentence and say, "I hear what you're saying, and for now let's agree to disagree. I have made decisions, choices and set boundaries that I can live with based on my program of recovery."
And then I stomped and stewed and slept fitfully all night. Normies just don't get it. And trying to explain some things about OUR life to them is like trying to argue with an addict, which is the same as standing outside, shaking my fist at the sky and telling it to stop raining.
GRRRRRR.
Cats
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Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
He just thinks it's horrible that I "approve of" and "allow" my son to smoke pot.
Cats
Cats
Many many "normies" are codies in disguize, or so I have found out. They have the same need to control and all the rest that goes with it. they may not have an addict or an Alcoholic anywhere in their life.. Doesn't mean they don't have codie stuff going on with them.
I would just say, You do not approve or allow the pot and you cannot control your son (he isn't a 2 year old?). Those are your son's decisions. He is his own person and not living with you. Saying more will just be yadda yadda yadda to him.
BTW, I understand. I come from a family of "normies" that are co dependent enough to make you just shake your head and smile.... Not an addict or alcoholic in sight.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I find it REALLY difficult to explain to another the pain of dealing with an addict. When I speak I also come across in a way that I feel needs to be justified by more explaination and the more I talk, the less sure of my argument I seem.
My mother likes to offer me advice when all I really want is an acknowledgement of how hard this is.
You always offer such helpful words of wisdom here- I thank you for that.
And I've actually shaken my fist at the sky willing it to stop raining and some how feeling better because I was so angry at the nasty weather. Crazy.
My mother likes to offer me advice when all I really want is an acknowledgement of how hard this is.
You always offer such helpful words of wisdom here- I thank you for that.
And I've actually shaken my fist at the sky willing it to stop raining and some how feeling better because I was so angry at the nasty weather. Crazy.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Oh boy did you handle that well.
I'm not sure if I could have stated that the way you put it without following up with a foot in the butt
But alas, they know not what they say, huh?
I am SOOOOOO glad I gave up control of the universe...can be pretty exhausting
((((hugs))))
Cece
I'm not sure if I could have stated that the way you put it without following up with a foot in the butt
But alas, they know not what they say, huh?
I am SOOOOOO glad I gave up control of the universe...can be pretty exhausting
((((hugs))))
Cece
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
And then my HP stepped in and it was over. I was able to stop myself in mid-sentence and say, "I hear what you're saying, and for now let's agree to disagree. I have made decisions, choices and set boundaries that I can live with based on my program of recovery."
I am going to hang this on my fridge!
I am going to hang this on my fridge!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
I'm thinking they just cannot grasp the "Powerless" sentence.
Being my prying, snooping self, I have a few questions.
How IS his relationship with your son?
Is this debate of his, really an underlying issue of possessiveness, or control?
Hugs, and happy thoughts,
Being my prying, snooping self, I have a few questions.
How IS his relationship with your son?
Is this debate of his, really an underlying issue of possessiveness, or control?
Hugs, and happy thoughts,
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my ex-husband the other day. Since my daughter has had the baby he asked me "so......when are they getting married?" But he said it in a tone as if to imply I could control what they do with their lives.
I simply told him that I wished they had been married before the baby was born and have asked them ONCE and only once when they would be getting married, but anymore than that would just make me a nag in their eyes. I explained that they are over 18 and were capable of making choices of their own and when they are ready. He gave me that look...............you know the one..........like somewhere I went wrong. I didn't let it get to me this time like I normally would have. I didn't feel anything but sort of bad for him that he hasn't grown any, but I have and I could feel good about it.
I think you handled this situation great Cats.
I simply told him that I wished they had been married before the baby was born and have asked them ONCE and only once when they would be getting married, but anymore than that would just make me a nag in their eyes. I explained that they are over 18 and were capable of making choices of their own and when they are ready. He gave me that look...............you know the one..........like somewhere I went wrong. I didn't let it get to me this time like I normally would have. I didn't feel anything but sort of bad for him that he hasn't grown any, but I have and I could feel good about it.
I think you handled this situation great Cats.
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Moosie,
His relationship with both of my sons is pretty good. He enjoys the older one as they share some common interests - european beers and music. The younger son is only around once in awhile, and not for very long. We do best with infrequent, short visits.
His relationship with his OWN children is strained, supposedly due to a rocky divorce and custody mess.
The more I get to know him, the more I think it COULD be due to some control issues...
(Gosh wouldn't that be a surprise if I was in a relationship with a man who had control issues.)
Bottom line is that my son is an adult, I love him, I have found a place where we can coexist without my need to take care of him, rescue him, control him or judge him. To me that's a pretty good balance.
New Guy? Maybe he'll understand and maybe he won't. I imagine if he doesn't choose to learn about my life, my boundaries, and my recovery, he will be the next ex...
His relationship with both of my sons is pretty good. He enjoys the older one as they share some common interests - european beers and music. The younger son is only around once in awhile, and not for very long. We do best with infrequent, short visits.
His relationship with his OWN children is strained, supposedly due to a rocky divorce and custody mess.
The more I get to know him, the more I think it COULD be due to some control issues...
(Gosh wouldn't that be a surprise if I was in a relationship with a man who had control issues.)
Bottom line is that my son is an adult, I love him, I have found a place where we can coexist without my need to take care of him, rescue him, control him or judge him. To me that's a pretty good balance.
New Guy? Maybe he'll understand and maybe he won't. I imagine if he doesn't choose to learn about my life, my boundaries, and my recovery, he will be the next ex...
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Posts: 1,410
((((((((((Cat's)))))))))))))
I can so, so, so relate to this thread. I'm sitting here laughing and
it's not even funny.
I have been with my "new guy" for almost 13 years, and we still agree
to disagree. It never ends.
He has the same issue with me and my as.
His thoughts are, that if I know for a fact that as is still drinking (even occasionally) and smoking pot, that I should wipe my hands of the whole situation and have no contact.
I know he just wants to protect my feelings, but geesh! Doesn't he realize his
opinions just makes matters worse?
He has no children, that he claims (?) so what does he know about unconditional love and commitment to children?
I keep my side of the street clean with boundries, detachment, and prayer.
It would be different if I sat around worrying and crying still. Which I don't. I'm in recovery. He still has so much to learn and no desire to learn it.
'Nuff said.
Hang in there, Cat. If ya need someone to relate to, you know who to pm.
Love ya,
Linda
2 peas in a pod. lol
I can so, so, so relate to this thread. I'm sitting here laughing and
it's not even funny.
I have been with my "new guy" for almost 13 years, and we still agree
to disagree. It never ends.
He has the same issue with me and my as.
His thoughts are, that if I know for a fact that as is still drinking (even occasionally) and smoking pot, that I should wipe my hands of the whole situation and have no contact.
I know he just wants to protect my feelings, but geesh! Doesn't he realize his
opinions just makes matters worse?
He has no children, that he claims (?) so what does he know about unconditional love and commitment to children?
I keep my side of the street clean with boundries, detachment, and prayer.
It would be different if I sat around worrying and crying still. Which I don't. I'm in recovery. He still has so much to learn and no desire to learn it.
'Nuff said.
Hang in there, Cat. If ya need someone to relate to, you know who to pm.
Love ya,
Linda
2 peas in a pod. lol
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Cat, I do know what you mean about other's reactions to how we deal with our addicted kids. I don't have a husband, but even my son tells me to wash my hands of my AD. I can't completely do that. I have set down some boundries that I can keep and live with. I still want her in my life. I am the only solid thing that she has left and I won't give up on her and she knows that. There are a lot of things I will not put up with, but some things that I can. I say give me some credit.......I'm not an idiot, I know what I can do and what I can't do. I'm glad I never completely gave up on her.........especially now, she is doing pretty well. We have our good times and our bad. People that don't live it will never really understand.
Keep doing what you are doing..........you seem like a very sensible woman.
Hugs..............Lo
Keep doing what you are doing..........you seem like a very sensible woman.
Hugs..............Lo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh Cat, I have never been able to have an intelligent conversation about addiction ever, with an Earth Person. Only those who have walked in our shoes have any clue what this is all about.
Just accept that you are from two different planets and don't get drawn in to defending what you have worked for years to attain.
By the way, I think it is terrific that you can maintain a healthy relationship with your son with boudaries respected by all.
Hugs
Just accept that you are from two different planets and don't get drawn in to defending what you have worked for years to attain.
By the way, I think it is terrific that you can maintain a healthy relationship with your son with boudaries respected by all.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
(((cat)))
This reminds me of a few years ago ... my sis would ask how I could ALLOW my sons to do the things they did. Now that her son is 21, I think she's getting a clue. He's not an addict, but he is impulsive and reckless at times.
Your recovery is shining and you sound so at peace with the relationship you have with your son today. I don't know how long new guy has been in the picture, but I know if it was me and a man questioned my relationship with my kids, my hackles would go up. Hope it works out, and I sure do understand your frustration.
hugs ~
deedee
This reminds me of a few years ago ... my sis would ask how I could ALLOW my sons to do the things they did. Now that her son is 21, I think she's getting a clue. He's not an addict, but he is impulsive and reckless at times.
Your recovery is shining and you sound so at peace with the relationship you have with your son today. I don't know how long new guy has been in the picture, but I know if it was me and a man questioned my relationship with my kids, my hackles would go up. Hope it works out, and I sure do understand your frustration.
hugs ~
deedee
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I don't know how long new guy has been in the picture, but I know if it was me and a man questioned my relationship with my kids, my hackles would go up.
The hackles were up. WAY up. But what I know today is that I am much better off
coming here, venting away, sharing with all of you who understand. Bless his heart, New Guy doesn't get it and he probably never will. It would have been very UN productive for me to try to explain things any more than I did.
Thank God for a program... thank God for SR and all of you... thank God I knew when to shove the jujubees into my mouth.
Hugs all around
Cats
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Cats I think you handled this really GREAT!!!!!
Over the years in situations like this I usually respond with 2 things:
"Look until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you will not understand where I am coming from, I live the 3C's. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it."
Then I change the subject. I got tired of 'trying to explain' to so called 'normies' that in realityas saidhere, are 'codiesin disguise', lol.
Again, Cats I think you handled this really well.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Over the years in situations like this I usually respond with 2 things:
"Look until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you will not understand where I am coming from, I live the 3C's. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it."
Then I change the subject. I got tired of 'trying to explain' to so called 'normies' that in realityas saidhere, are 'codiesin disguise', lol.
Again, Cats I think you handled this really well.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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