what happens when they hit bottom?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
what happens when they hit bottom?
i dont think my ah has hit his, but what happens when they do??
to fill those in who dont know, i have an RO on my husband for grabbing me and displaying violent behavior to me and in front of our kids.
he keeps calling me and leaving messages...i havent called the police because i dont want my kids father in jail....or my in-laws son...he will go to county jail with no bail and could loose his career...i know, not my choices, they are his..but i just cant do it.
my hope is that he will understand that we need to be seperated (which he is having a very hard time with right now) he just doesnt get it...he wants to work on things, but still live in the house. part of that is his catholic upbringing i know, but also that he cant accept reality and understand that the abuse can never happen again and theire can never be illegal drugs in this house again.
he says in one mention to my friend who talked to him that he will do anything, go to rehab, whatever it takes (still says though he would do it to make me happy, not because he has a problem). but in another mention he is angry and threatening..or using the kids to get to me.
i am going to try to get a permamant restraining order even though it will be so hard for me when i have to go to court and talk in front of him...he is a lawyer and his peers will be there as well....he is going to deny everything...i know he will be uncooperative..so there may be a chance i dont get it...than what??? my lawyer also wants me to file for divorce because a RO will not provide the financial protection that i need...so if he would just make changes and do what he has to do to get better, and i see that that is happen through actions not words, i can eventually drop the RO and divorce complaint..but he has alot of work to do before that can happen...and THAT he doesnt understand..hesays he needs my support to do it....
i know, my head is still way too much filled with HIM and not ME and MY KIDS..but i also fear the unknown and what is going to happen next....
to fill those in who dont know, i have an RO on my husband for grabbing me and displaying violent behavior to me and in front of our kids.
he keeps calling me and leaving messages...i havent called the police because i dont want my kids father in jail....or my in-laws son...he will go to county jail with no bail and could loose his career...i know, not my choices, they are his..but i just cant do it.
my hope is that he will understand that we need to be seperated (which he is having a very hard time with right now) he just doesnt get it...he wants to work on things, but still live in the house. part of that is his catholic upbringing i know, but also that he cant accept reality and understand that the abuse can never happen again and theire can never be illegal drugs in this house again.
he says in one mention to my friend who talked to him that he will do anything, go to rehab, whatever it takes (still says though he would do it to make me happy, not because he has a problem). but in another mention he is angry and threatening..or using the kids to get to me.
i am going to try to get a permamant restraining order even though it will be so hard for me when i have to go to court and talk in front of him...he is a lawyer and his peers will be there as well....he is going to deny everything...i know he will be uncooperative..so there may be a chance i dont get it...than what??? my lawyer also wants me to file for divorce because a RO will not provide the financial protection that i need...so if he would just make changes and do what he has to do to get better, and i see that that is happen through actions not words, i can eventually drop the RO and divorce complaint..but he has alot of work to do before that can happen...and THAT he doesnt understand..hesays he needs my support to do it....
i know, my head is still way too much filled with HIM and not ME and MY KIDS..but i also fear the unknown and what is going to happen next....
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
If he will agree to go to rehab, even if it is for you, that is the best. he may not think he has a problem, but once there he may face it. That could be the prerequisite to even beginning to reconcile. Strike for this necessity while the iron is hot. Plus it gives you breathing room to eval what is best for you and kids. Rehab usually have family component which can be transforming. Sounds like you know what you need to do to get relief from all the chaos. What a tough time. Bless you as you pick up the pieces of your life. May you have the strength for you + kids.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Going to jail might be what he needs to hit bottom. If he's a lawyer he has enough $$ and credit to keep himself in drugs for who knows how long....that might enable him to keep from bottoming out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
i know my ah will feel...
that if i am filing for divorce that there is no way to reconile...that is just his thinking. Even if it is expressed to him that does not have to be the way it is if he makes progress, gets evaluated by a substance abuse specialist, gets treatment and also goes to anger management. but no one can seem to get through to him...his focus now is that the RO HAS TO BE DROPPED so that he can get back into the house and then he will work on things....but that cant happen..we cant live together...
i also thought about getting his family involved so that he would have to be accountable not only to me., but to them.. i doubt he would agree to that though since he is too embarasses for them to know what is going on. I felt that at least if they were helping me to help him and if we worked togehter,things would be so much easier..but i guess if my husband is in denial, what can anyone do....right now, they dont even know what is going on and i guess i cant count on that. i know they feel we should not be living together, but if they knew i was getting a permanent restraining order, i dont think they would understand.
i also thought about getting his family involved so that he would have to be accountable not only to me., but to them.. i doubt he would agree to that though since he is too embarasses for them to know what is going on. I felt that at least if they were helping me to help him and if we worked togehter,things would be so much easier..but i guess if my husband is in denial, what can anyone do....right now, they dont even know what is going on and i guess i cant count on that. i know they feel we should not be living together, but if they knew i was getting a permanent restraining order, i dont think they would understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
I don't know how close he is with his family, but they are going to find out sooner or later. It would probably be good if they knew that their son has a drug problem...but I think maybe he should be the one to tell them...well, I guess I'm not sure if you should tell them or not. I probably would.
As far as him coming back to 'work on things'...forget it. He would just go back to the old ways again.
As far as him coming back to 'work on things'...forget it. He would just go back to the old ways again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
"I felt that at least if they were helping me to help him "
This is something you wrote - you can't help him. I did everything in my power to help my AH so did his family - they knew about his drug use. He went to the hospital and promised so many things to me & his family. It didn't work and he went back to using. I thought his "rock bottom" was his accident and DUI - he did also, but it wasn't - he still continued to use after that.
I don't know what made him stop - to this day he hasn't told me the real reason. He hasn't used in months - but I still worry at times. He needs to help himself, there is nothing you can do or say - he needs to be ready to change his life around and prove to you that he is serious.
This is something you wrote - you can't help him. I did everything in my power to help my AH so did his family - they knew about his drug use. He went to the hospital and promised so many things to me & his family. It didn't work and he went back to using. I thought his "rock bottom" was his accident and DUI - he did also, but it wasn't - he still continued to use after that.
I don't know what made him stop - to this day he hasn't told me the real reason. He hasn't used in months - but I still worry at times. He needs to help himself, there is nothing you can do or say - he needs to be ready to change his life around and prove to you that he is serious.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Honestly, brutally, his bottom isn't the one you should be worrying about.
WHEN WILL YOU HIT YOUR BOTTOM??
This man has:
threatened you
physcially hurt you
in front of the children
involves the children in his manipulations
has a restraining order against him
harrasses you
You have:
made excuses for him over and over
hidden his addiction from his family to protect him
put your children in harms way to protect him
bailed him out of jail
gone back on your boundaries
allowed him to control you emotions and decisions
picked up the phone
listened to his manipulations
believed his manipulations
You are taking tiny baby steps and that is good. But instead of being concerned with when he will hit bottom, why don't you think about when you will hit yours? how much more are you willing to take, to go through, to put your children through?
To hit a bottom, one must first admit there is a problem. And sometimes it takes YEARS after that, even KNOWING there was a problem my AH still couldn't stop. Your AH won't even ADMIT he is an addict. Do you really think he is close to his bottom? He isn't.
You have made life so comfortable for him. He knows damn well he can continue to play head games with you because you will NOT call the cops and you will NOT tell his parents and you WILL accept his calls. He thinks you are Weak, but what do you think? You are proving you are not weak by being here, speaking to a lawyer, filing the RO.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will find your bottom.
WHEN WILL YOU HIT YOUR BOTTOM??
This man has:
threatened you
physcially hurt you
in front of the children
involves the children in his manipulations
has a restraining order against him
harrasses you
You have:
made excuses for him over and over
hidden his addiction from his family to protect him
put your children in harms way to protect him
bailed him out of jail
gone back on your boundaries
allowed him to control you emotions and decisions
picked up the phone
listened to his manipulations
believed his manipulations
You are taking tiny baby steps and that is good. But instead of being concerned with when he will hit bottom, why don't you think about when you will hit yours? how much more are you willing to take, to go through, to put your children through?
To hit a bottom, one must first admit there is a problem. And sometimes it takes YEARS after that, even KNOWING there was a problem my AH still couldn't stop. Your AH won't even ADMIT he is an addict. Do you really think he is close to his bottom? He isn't.
You have made life so comfortable for him. He knows damn well he can continue to play head games with you because you will NOT call the cops and you will NOT tell his parents and you WILL accept his calls. He thinks you are Weak, but what do you think? You are proving you are not weak by being here, speaking to a lawyer, filing the RO.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will find your bottom.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((Drained))))
I say this because I care.
You need to let go of his outcomes. I know what happens down the road does affect you, but manipulating these events isn't the way to protect you and the kids.
Prepare for the worset, pray for the best...keep hope, but doing the right thing now so he does the right thing later just doesn't work.
The RO should be about protection for you...period. Not about financial security, or divorce, protection. And it matters not one bit how he feels about the RO, or what you should do.
As BigSIs says here...there's never been an addict that gave their permission for boundaries. This is about YOU, and what you need to live in peace, and provide for your kids.
I have a challenge for you if you're up for it...
Just for today think of ONLY YOU.
Not what it will do to him, not how he will react, not what it produces down the road and not what the in-laws will think.
Just you.
Then put it on a shelve, just for today, and go do something fun...just for you.
If you have a great time, maybe it could stay on the shelf just for another...
Prayers for peace and clarity
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I say this because I care.
You need to let go of his outcomes. I know what happens down the road does affect you, but manipulating these events isn't the way to protect you and the kids.
Prepare for the worset, pray for the best...keep hope, but doing the right thing now so he does the right thing later just doesn't work.
The RO should be about protection for you...period. Not about financial security, or divorce, protection. And it matters not one bit how he feels about the RO, or what you should do.
As BigSIs says here...there's never been an addict that gave their permission for boundaries. This is about YOU, and what you need to live in peace, and provide for your kids.
I have a challenge for you if you're up for it...
Just for today think of ONLY YOU.
Not what it will do to him, not how he will react, not what it produces down the road and not what the in-laws will think.
Just you.
Then put it on a shelve, just for today, and go do something fun...just for you.
If you have a great time, maybe it could stay on the shelf just for another...
Prayers for peace and clarity
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
I suppose "Hitting bottom" may be different for everyone, although some don't hit any rock's to go to recovery. My AH has been doing his program for 4 month's now.. after I left the house with our Son. He realizes it's not about "us" and it's about him and I as individuals that need to recover and that helps us greatly if we ever plan to become a couple again.
You are smart for doing what you are doing. He may figure it out one day. Maybe not. Keep being a wonderful loving Mom, and take care of your self during this recovery.
(((hugs)))
You are smart for doing what you are doing. He may figure it out one day. Maybe not. Keep being a wonderful loving Mom, and take care of your self during this recovery.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I just want to share he's not the first lawyer to go through this,a nd certainly not the last!!! It likely will not ruin his career either(maybe set back but not ruin.)
Stop taking his calls if you dont want to file more paperwork.
I believe "Waldo" on substance abuse forum was once a lawyer too. He lost wives and job cause of not being able to overcome the problem. I know of 4 lawyers personally(with out a doubt, and many others suspected) in my area who went to counteless rehabs, some court ordered some not. 1 of thems bottom was death, because he bought his way out of everything else, actually 2 one freak accident and one suicide.
Remember this and I do not mean to upset you. Addicts eventually do 1 of 3 things
recovery, jail or death. It can take 50 years before one of those results. Dont let your attorney bully you into divorce if you are not ready. Find out if your state has legal separation provisions taht can protect you financially, remember its not always black and white, there are many shades of grey and those grey shades can help you, but you have to search for them.
ANother thing, I doubt any of this will be a surprise to his colleages. Trust me, people know and I would bet his assistants, who ahve to deal with his day to day shananigans really know, just possibly unable to put a finger on it
Stop taking his calls if you dont want to file more paperwork.
I believe "Waldo" on substance abuse forum was once a lawyer too. He lost wives and job cause of not being able to overcome the problem. I know of 4 lawyers personally(with out a doubt, and many others suspected) in my area who went to counteless rehabs, some court ordered some not. 1 of thems bottom was death, because he bought his way out of everything else, actually 2 one freak accident and one suicide.
Remember this and I do not mean to upset you. Addicts eventually do 1 of 3 things
recovery, jail or death. It can take 50 years before one of those results. Dont let your attorney bully you into divorce if you are not ready. Find out if your state has legal separation provisions taht can protect you financially, remember its not always black and white, there are many shades of grey and those grey shades can help you, but you have to search for them.
ANother thing, I doubt any of this will be a surprise to his colleages. Trust me, people know and I would bet his assistants, who ahve to deal with his day to day shananigans really know, just possibly unable to put a finger on it
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Meggie's post is brutally honest and could be applied here to many here who are still with their Addict. Very excellent post Meggie Star!
Meggie has left out:
Risked your financial security (and the financial security of your kids).
Threatened your freedom by having drugs in the house and around you and your kids.
Put at risk you even keeping the kids.
Meggie has left out:
Risked your financial security (and the financial security of your kids).
Threatened your freedom by having drugs in the house and around you and your kids.
Put at risk you even keeping the kids.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
DW...I said the things I said because I CARE, and because I have been there so many many times.
I know what it's like to love your husband more than your child, (if one can call it love).
I know the struggle of making up your own mind when all you've done for seemingly ever is go off of his actions instead of thinking for yourself.
I know what it's like to need to believe that this is the last time and that things can or will get better.
I know what it is like to realize I've been doing all that, and become depressed and withdrawn in disappointment with myself.
I know what it is like to finally feel like I can live on my own, love myself, and take good care of my child WITHOUT HIM.
I pray every day that you find this peace and this strength. One day your life could be so much better. There is always hope until the end.
I know what it's like to love your husband more than your child, (if one can call it love).
I know the struggle of making up your own mind when all you've done for seemingly ever is go off of his actions instead of thinking for yourself.
I know what it's like to need to believe that this is the last time and that things can or will get better.
I know what it is like to realize I've been doing all that, and become depressed and withdrawn in disappointment with myself.
I know what it is like to finally feel like I can live on my own, love myself, and take good care of my child WITHOUT HIM.
I pray every day that you find this peace and this strength. One day your life could be so much better. There is always hope until the end.
Believe in Miracles
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 26
I haven't been around in a while but I was where you are. I put my AH out and had to work realy hard on me. This forum was the best medicine I found for myself. There is really good advice here.
I had to be really strong not to give in to my AH. This was not easy and he begged me to let him come home. I told him if and when he gets help he can return to his family we would all be here for him. He threatened me a lot and I had to keep turning him over to my HP....it wasn't easy. He was out for over a year and last March a week after my Dad died he went into rehab. He was very lucky because he is a veteran and they have a wonderful program which he went to. He stayed in the hospital for 8 months. It was such a blessing. Last October he came back home and is still clean today.
Bottom is different for everyone. We all need to learn what to do for ourselves and our families. The Addict needs to find his own way. While we are living our lives and learning about ourselves and hands off the addict is the only way they find their bottom.
Good luck and stay strong. Hope this helped a bit.
Petra
I had to be really strong not to give in to my AH. This was not easy and he begged me to let him come home. I told him if and when he gets help he can return to his family we would all be here for him. He threatened me a lot and I had to keep turning him over to my HP....it wasn't easy. He was out for over a year and last March a week after my Dad died he went into rehab. He was very lucky because he is a veteran and they have a wonderful program which he went to. He stayed in the hospital for 8 months. It was such a blessing. Last October he came back home and is still clean today.
Bottom is different for everyone. We all need to learn what to do for ourselves and our families. The Addict needs to find his own way. While we are living our lives and learning about ourselves and hands off the addict is the only way they find their bottom.
Good luck and stay strong. Hope this helped a bit.
Petra
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