He wants to keep in touch with female RA's from Rehab
Recovering Nicely
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
He wants to keep in touch with female RA's from Rehab
Hi All,
Tonite I spoke with RAH from rehab and he said he finally got it, had his spiritual awakening. I was very happy for him. Then he said when he comes home he's going to keep in touch with Lisa, Christine, etc. Oh yeah, that's great news to hear. There are guys there that he can keep in touch with, but with the women! Single (divorced) women yet. Call me jealous (and yes I am a little bit), but I don't believe a married man should keep in touch, be friends with and be there for a single/divorced woman who he met in rehab. If they were married, it may be a different story, but from stories I have heard, I really have my doubts about this. I flat out told him that I don't feel comfortable with the situation, and that if it were me having single/divorced men friends that I would go out with for coffee, be there for them in crisises, etc., I don't think he would appreciate it. He said he's sorry he told me this, now "we're arguing" (according to him). I told him I wasn't arguing, I just simply stated my point and that I don't want to mess with his recovery, so he should do what's best for him, and if that means having women friends, so be it. Then he said "no, you're mad". I told him "I gotta go" and hung up the phone. He called me back but I let the answering machine pick up. So here I am, babysitting my two granddaughters, working all the time he's up there, traveling 8 hours on a Saturday to visit him, doing his laundry, paying the bills and he has the nerve to say this to me. What does he think I am, stupid? Call me oldfashioned, but I don't believe married men should have single/divorced women as friends, especially if they haven't known them a long time and met them in rehab. I know many of you won't agree, but I know what I have read here and also know of with people I know. But you know what, I was kind of expecting this, and I guess right now they're all telling him that he shouldn't let me mess with his recovery and should move out. So tomorrow I will take off from work and take care of business, such as me moving out and putting the house up for sale. I said from the get go I didn't think I had what it took, and I draw the line with single/divorced women friends. Thanks for listening.
QT
Tonite I spoke with RAH from rehab and he said he finally got it, had his spiritual awakening. I was very happy for him. Then he said when he comes home he's going to keep in touch with Lisa, Christine, etc. Oh yeah, that's great news to hear. There are guys there that he can keep in touch with, but with the women! Single (divorced) women yet. Call me jealous (and yes I am a little bit), but I don't believe a married man should keep in touch, be friends with and be there for a single/divorced woman who he met in rehab. If they were married, it may be a different story, but from stories I have heard, I really have my doubts about this. I flat out told him that I don't feel comfortable with the situation, and that if it were me having single/divorced men friends that I would go out with for coffee, be there for them in crisises, etc., I don't think he would appreciate it. He said he's sorry he told me this, now "we're arguing" (according to him). I told him I wasn't arguing, I just simply stated my point and that I don't want to mess with his recovery, so he should do what's best for him, and if that means having women friends, so be it. Then he said "no, you're mad". I told him "I gotta go" and hung up the phone. He called me back but I let the answering machine pick up. So here I am, babysitting my two granddaughters, working all the time he's up there, traveling 8 hours on a Saturday to visit him, doing his laundry, paying the bills and he has the nerve to say this to me. What does he think I am, stupid? Call me oldfashioned, but I don't believe married men should have single/divorced women as friends, especially if they haven't known them a long time and met them in rehab. I know many of you won't agree, but I know what I have read here and also know of with people I know. But you know what, I was kind of expecting this, and I guess right now they're all telling him that he shouldn't let me mess with his recovery and should move out. So tomorrow I will take off from work and take care of business, such as me moving out and putting the house up for sale. I said from the get go I didn't think I had what it took, and I draw the line with single/divorced women friends. Thanks for listening.
QT
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I really don't know what to say to your post, but I felt the need to reply to let you know that I read it and I'm listening.
I, too, have "issues" with any man that I'm involved with having "Friends" of the opposite sex. (Current bf and I recently just discussed this topic actually)
All I can say is that you must do what is good for you and your recovery - just as he must do what he feels is best for his.
I know that it must have hurt and bothered you a great deal to hear him say what he did - and for that, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I'm here and I'm listening and I'm really sorry.
I, too, have "issues" with any man that I'm involved with having "Friends" of the opposite sex. (Current bf and I recently just discussed this topic actually)
All I can say is that you must do what is good for you and your recovery - just as he must do what he feels is best for his.
I know that it must have hurt and bothered you a great deal to hear him say what he did - and for that, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I'm here and I'm listening and I'm really sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I agree with you QT, unless they become both of your's friends. I'm thinking about your other post re marriage therapy and this might be a good example of what could be discussed with a neutral third party.
I think your feelings are valid and sending you ((()))s.
I think your feelings are valid and sending you ((()))s.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by queenteree 
Hi All,
So here I am, babysitting my two granddaughters, working all the time he's up there, traveling 8 hours on a Saturday to visit him, doing his laundry, paying the bills and he has the nerve to say this to me. What does he think I am, stupid?
QT
So here I am, babysitting my two granddaughters, working all the time he's up there, traveling 8 hours on a Saturday to visit him, doing his laundry, paying the bills and he has the nerve to say this to me. What does he think I am, stupid?
QT
L
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thanks for your hugs and support. I really don't think (but I may be wrong) that I have resentment issues, what I am trying to say is he put me thru he** and back for three or so years now (like I said, stress with dealing with him, he was always at "at home" drunk, drank and drove to stores to buy more beer or play his numbers or golf, fishing). When he drank and was drunk at home, he was annoying (talking all the time, hugs hugs hugs, etc., embarassing in front of neighbors and family, etc.). I stayed with him cause I had him sober for over 14 years and I know the man he is and could be without the alcohol. And our marriage truly was good. The thing is, I feel that since I am still doing for this family and for him (and not that I really mind one bit, I truly don't), he insulted my intelligence and our marriage by saying he wanted to maintain contact and friendship with these women. It's almost like how much more do you want me to put up with???? Even in recovery???Had he said he was coming home and going to AA twice a day, hanging out with all the
AA buddies, etc., I wouldn't have minded. The part I mind is the women friends. And it's like I'm still here doing and trying to keep the household together (my one son just got into a car accident yesterday - I didn't tell RAH, we handled it together (me and my son), and I would do anything for my family and my husband, and then to tell me this, when he knows and we have talked and have had the same feelings about married couples having friends of the opposite sex (we have had mutual friends who thought nothing was wrong with it and they're not together any more - RAH always said "that cause people can't have friends of the opposite sex") and we both always agreed on that, so to say that to me is to say "screw this marriage" and take advantage of his "recovery". I'm no dope. Then I took the grandkids to the store cause I had to get a pack of cigs and he called and left a message on the answering machine saying that he's not putting AA before me, and if I wanted, he would never go to an AA meeting and he's coming home this week, for me to come get him. I guess he's not "getting it", and going to blame me for "sabatoging his recovery" when I don't care how many f****** AA meetings he goes to, I only have the issue of these women friends. It's going to be a long night cause now I'm so pi**ed I can't sleep!!!! And I thought I'd relax a little while he was gone.
AA buddies, etc., I wouldn't have minded. The part I mind is the women friends. And it's like I'm still here doing and trying to keep the household together (my one son just got into a car accident yesterday - I didn't tell RAH, we handled it together (me and my son), and I would do anything for my family and my husband, and then to tell me this, when he knows and we have talked and have had the same feelings about married couples having friends of the opposite sex (we have had mutual friends who thought nothing was wrong with it and they're not together any more - RAH always said "that cause people can't have friends of the opposite sex") and we both always agreed on that, so to say that to me is to say "screw this marriage" and take advantage of his "recovery". I'm no dope. Then I took the grandkids to the store cause I had to get a pack of cigs and he called and left a message on the answering machine saying that he's not putting AA before me, and if I wanted, he would never go to an AA meeting and he's coming home this week, for me to come get him. I guess he's not "getting it", and going to blame me for "sabatoging his recovery" when I don't care how many f****** AA meetings he goes to, I only have the issue of these women friends. It's going to be a long night cause now I'm so pi**ed I can't sleep!!!! And I thought I'd relax a little while he was gone.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It is STRONGLY SUGGESTED in AA that men work with men and women work with women.
Over the years, I have seen MOST friendships that formed in rehab, go to h*ll for both parties.
This is the alkie QUACKING one more time. Do not accept the 'guilt' he is attempting to put on you. JMHO but he's still 'playing' his old games. "his spiritual awakening." my azz. He may have had an awakening but it wasn't spiritual.
J M H O
love and hugs,
Over the years, I have seen MOST friendships that formed in rehab, go to h*ll for both parties.
This is the alkie QUACKING one more time. Do not accept the 'guilt' he is attempting to put on you. JMHO but he's still 'playing' his old games. "his spiritual awakening." my azz. He may have had an awakening but it wasn't spiritual.
J M H O
love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Queenteree
I would say that sober people can have casual friends of the opposite sex. I had lots of male aquaintences when I worked since I was an engineer . That said I didnt go places with them alone. Thats a date in my opinion.
My husband is also very good at telling me Im overreacting over something or the other. Trust me. Im a very under reacting person if ever there was one. It usually means hes trying to convince me to let him do something he knows he shouldnt be doing.
I feel it shouldnt matter whether I should be upset or not. . If something upsets your partner then you should stop doing it because it upsets your partner. You shouldnt need any other reason. So if your husband cares for you then it shouldnt matter whether he thinks he can handle having women friends. If it bothers you then thats the end of it. If he insists then hes giving them too much importance in my opinion.
Also a lot of alcoholics dont have good impulse control when theyre drinking even if they do have good intentions when theyre sober . So I can see where youd be a little touchy. <smilie>
I would say that sober people can have casual friends of the opposite sex. I had lots of male aquaintences when I worked since I was an engineer . That said I didnt go places with them alone. Thats a date in my opinion.
My husband is also very good at telling me Im overreacting over something or the other. Trust me. Im a very under reacting person if ever there was one. It usually means hes trying to convince me to let him do something he knows he shouldnt be doing.
I feel it shouldnt matter whether I should be upset or not. . If something upsets your partner then you should stop doing it because it upsets your partner. You shouldnt need any other reason. So if your husband cares for you then it shouldnt matter whether he thinks he can handle having women friends. If it bothers you then thats the end of it. If he insists then hes giving them too much importance in my opinion.
Also a lot of alcoholics dont have good impulse control when theyre drinking even if they do have good intentions when theyre sober . So I can see where youd be a little touchy. <smilie>
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ouch..... Ok, Luv ya and going to share.
I was involved with a man that went into recovery awhile back when I did not know him..... there was a women that started about the same time and another guy and they all became close friends. The man I became involved with developed feelings for this women who never felt the same way but ...... we no longer see each other because he can not lose the emotional tie with this other women. He never had a "relationship" in any way with her only a friendship but in his mind it developed into something more then it is.... bottom line is it keeps him stuck because he cant let her go and it ended us because I will not be second to another women. Emotions grow easily when we are wounded and someone is there for us.... that does not make it healthy, but it happens.
I know in recovery when they are new and hurt it SO easy to develope emotional ties to another person.... almost like a rebound. It was explained to me that "She loved me when I was unloveable"... which is really potent if you ask me... but IMHO that is when they are at there lowest. She could love him at his lowest because she was at her lowest too. That does not mean the same attraction is there when people get healthy. I know that the last (active) Alcoholic I developed a relationship with was at a all time high when I was at my lowest.... I just do not think it works.
I will agree that if you are a couple and are serious about correcting the relationship that any person of the opposite sex would have to come into that relationship as a friend to BOTH of you as a couple. Even if the friend was there before the relationship they should want what makes the friend happy and back out of a one on one friendship and opt for a friendship with both of them... If they dont, they are not really interested in their friends welfare. When you choose to be in a serious relationship..... that relationship should come first.... if friends can not back out and become friends with both people.... there is a good indicator that the friend has an agenda.
I was involved with a man that went into recovery awhile back when I did not know him..... there was a women that started about the same time and another guy and they all became close friends. The man I became involved with developed feelings for this women who never felt the same way but ...... we no longer see each other because he can not lose the emotional tie with this other women. He never had a "relationship" in any way with her only a friendship but in his mind it developed into something more then it is.... bottom line is it keeps him stuck because he cant let her go and it ended us because I will not be second to another women. Emotions grow easily when we are wounded and someone is there for us.... that does not make it healthy, but it happens.
I know in recovery when they are new and hurt it SO easy to develope emotional ties to another person.... almost like a rebound. It was explained to me that "She loved me when I was unloveable"... which is really potent if you ask me... but IMHO that is when they are at there lowest. She could love him at his lowest because she was at her lowest too. That does not mean the same attraction is there when people get healthy. I know that the last (active) Alcoholic I developed a relationship with was at a all time high when I was at my lowest.... I just do not think it works.
I will agree that if you are a couple and are serious about correcting the relationship that any person of the opposite sex would have to come into that relationship as a friend to BOTH of you as a couple. Even if the friend was there before the relationship they should want what makes the friend happy and back out of a one on one friendship and opt for a friendship with both of them... If they dont, they are not really interested in their friends welfare. When you choose to be in a serious relationship..... that relationship should come first.... if friends can not back out and become friends with both people.... there is a good indicator that the friend has an agenda.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hey there QT, I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this. As a recovering alkie, and a guy, I'll give you my .02.
One of the fundamental principles of recovery in AA is called "making ammends". That means that we _fix_ the harm that we did while drinking. Hanging out with lady friends is _not_ ammends. When I was married i had married women friends, and we all went out as _couples_. Any single women were welcome, but as part of a _group_.
As far as _you_ having resentments, that's something that you can bring up in a meeting of al-anon, and with your sponsor in al-anon
Mike
One of the fundamental principles of recovery in AA is called "making ammends". That means that we _fix_ the harm that we did while drinking. Hanging out with lady friends is _not_ ammends. When I was married i had married women friends, and we all went out as _couples_. Any single women were welcome, but as part of a _group_.
As far as _you_ having resentments, that's something that you can bring up in a meeting of al-anon, and with your sponsor in al-anon
Mike
Recovering Nicely
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
You guys are really the best!!! I couldn't have gotten thru the last year if it weren't for you all. Laurie - right on!! Totally agree. That's what's got me. Does he think I'm stupid???? My RAH is one who totally doesn't believe in married couples having friends of the opposite sex. He always says "why put yourself in that position" (if you know what I mean). Let me give you an example - about 10 years ago, my friend was pregnant with her daughter. At the time, my husband was sober for a few years, etc., and my friend and I went out with a bunch of people one Friday night for happy hour. She was my designated driver. Instead, she was feeling really sick (she didn't drink or anything) but she was due any day and wanted to leave. I was having fun with the group, so I told her to go and I would get a ride home. Well, a friend (not a close friend) gave me a ride, a simple ride, home. Well RAH was outside, saw a "man" give me a ride home, went into a jealous rage, etc., saying I put myself into a position where something could have happened!!! About three or four years ago, my RAH was picking me up from my company Christmas party (so I can have a few drinks and not drive home) when my male co-worker (and only a co-worker) walked me outside to wait for RAH. When RAH picked me up, male co-worker gave me a hug and RAH was soooo mad and yelled at him. Now this same man wants to keep in touch with these women. I've said it all along, I'm not up for this. It's still all about "him". Has he once said to me "I want to make up for all the things I put you thru" or "You'll have the husband you once had back" No. It's all about him and that's what's pissing me off. I truly want him to be sober cause he does have alcoholic liver disease, but I'm not going to start now going thru the "recovery rollercoaster ride" and anything for "his recovery". I really just want a normal life, a life like I once had, a life I know I will never have again (with him anyway). I may as well get out while the gettin's good.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Does his rehab have a family component like so many others do? If so can you hash this out with one of the counselors or group family sessions? He is instantly close to these women cuz they're going through this deeply personal thing together. He is wanting to prolong this new iemotional ntimacy cuz when he's been drinkin there prob wasn't much of that. If you decide to stay with him perhaps you will need new strategies of communicating to rebuild the intimacy between the two of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Cape Girardeau, MO
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Advice given by rehab counselor
When my RAH was in rehab I went to the family counseling sessions, given by a RA counselor. He told us, "these people did not come into rehab knowing ANY of the people in here. When they leave, they should NOT have ANY CONTACT with any of the people they have met while they're here. That is a dangerous thing." It made sense to me then and it makes sense to me now.
God bless you as you make your difficult decisions.
God bless you as you make your difficult decisions.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by steve11694
One of the things I have learned in my humble life is if one tries to keep a bird in a cage the bird may very well fly away the first chance it gets.
A parrot has a natural instinct to be free and as I remember my natural instinct when drunk or before finding a solid recovery... Free sounded mighty good to me as well.
Boundaries are not cages.
Request for Common respect from a spouse is not a cage either.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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QT, can you see the classic -hook, line, and sinker??? "he's not putting AA before me, and if I wanted, he would never go to an AA meeting and he's coming home this week, for me to come get him. "
QT, he is trying to drag you in again. i believe a newly recovering alcoholic will do anything to start drinking and not recovering again. their desperate. he wants an excuse to start drinking again QT. don't give it to him. you argue, he gets his excuse. heck, you don't even have to he will create it.
this isn't about those woman at all. it's about manipulation. if there really was "something" with these woman, most likely he wouldn't be telling you about it. he's trying to manipulate you dear.
this is the really hard part QT. (((QT))) step away from the trap
QT, he is trying to drag you in again. i believe a newly recovering alcoholic will do anything to start drinking and not recovering again. their desperate. he wants an excuse to start drinking again QT. don't give it to him. you argue, he gets his excuse. heck, you don't even have to he will create it.
this isn't about those woman at all. it's about manipulation. if there really was "something" with these woman, most likely he wouldn't be telling you about it. he's trying to manipulate you dear.
this is the really hard part QT. (((QT))) step away from the trap
Last edited by hopeangel; 06-08-2007 at 04:15 AM.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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"He wants to keep in touch with female RA's from Rehab "
Yep, I'll bet he does. Most of us alkies want to keep everything we want, when we want it and on our terms. Thats how we deal with people, places, and things UNTIL we totally surrender and get it.
Please keep taking good care of yourself. I am sorry you have to deal with this but it can be a great new beginning for you as you make your choices through this experience.
Yep, I'll bet he does. Most of us alkies want to keep everything we want, when we want it and on our terms. Thats how we deal with people, places, and things UNTIL we totally surrender and get it.
Please keep taking good care of yourself. I am sorry you have to deal with this but it can be a great new beginning for you as you make your choices through this experience.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Your radar is working fine. He is hanging out with women because he wants too. Is he having an affair and screwing around? If hasn't yet, he will be. Drunks love a Drunk. They will seek out and find those who enable them.
It doesn't matter if they are single, divorced or married. All that matters is what is important to them.............
It doesn't matter if they are single, divorced or married. All that matters is what is important to them.............
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I agree that it's inappropriate. And it's inappropriate simply because you don't like it. Your opinion should be very important to him and he should be willing to give them up even if he truly believes you're being unreasonable.
In a good relationship he would work with you on your feelings, earning your trust, until you two were so good with each other that it didn't matter who you each hung out with.
In a good relationship he would work with you on your feelings, earning your trust, until you two were so good with each other that it didn't matter who you each hung out with.
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