why do we fall for A's????
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
why do we fall for A's????
It seems that a very high percentage of ACOAs (at least the ones here!!!) have chosen to spend their life, at least for today, with A's, including those who came from dysfunctional families where alcohol and drugs weren't involved. Why is that? Are we really in love with these people or are we trying to resolve some leftover childhood problem? From what I've read, I assume it's the leftover childhood stuff, though I don't doubt that we truly love our A's. But it amazes and scares me to think I have no control over who I fall in love with! And why are we so drawn to them? Not only do we fall for them, we fall hard!!! I didn't even know my A was an A until more than a year after we got together. So what did my subconscious sense about him that it didn't bother to share with me?????
It seems like we should seek out the normies, but I guess for us normal = dysfunction?????
My dad was already in recovery before my A came along, and I know the damage was done long before his recovery. But what damage? The need to try and fix someone, since I couldn't fix my dad??? I don't recall ever trying to fix my dad, although he made an interesting comment over the weekend - he said that I took care of both him and my mom when I was growing up. Gee, I guess my childhood lasted all of about 2 minutes!
Anyway, I guess I'm still having a hard time trying to understand what the/my hidden agenda is, b/c it's very well hidden!!!
Has anyone figured it out????
It seems like we should seek out the normies, but I guess for us normal = dysfunction?????
My dad was already in recovery before my A came along, and I know the damage was done long before his recovery. But what damage? The need to try and fix someone, since I couldn't fix my dad??? I don't recall ever trying to fix my dad, although he made an interesting comment over the weekend - he said that I took care of both him and my mom when I was growing up. Gee, I guess my childhood lasted all of about 2 minutes!
Anyway, I guess I'm still having a hard time trying to understand what the/my hidden agenda is, b/c it's very well hidden!!!
Has anyone figured it out????
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I just recently realized how Ward and I fit. In my case I take responsiblity for everything and he takes responsiblity for nothing. That is how we shoehorn. No matter what, he tries to find a way to place the blame elsewhere and often on me. It confuses me and I end up feeling guilty. So....with that realization I think I can place those behaviors in a duck suit and treat them accordingly. I keep my tools polished!
A large percentage of children raised with alcoholics end up with substance abuse problems and many others are drawn to them in relationships. To me that is what is normal...I grew up with a case of beer in the fridge...and guess what. I have never had a home that did not have that case of beer in the fridge.
Could it be that simple??
JT
A large percentage of children raised with alcoholics end up with substance abuse problems and many others are drawn to them in relationships. To me that is what is normal...I grew up with a case of beer in the fridge...and guess what. I have never had a home that did not have that case of beer in the fridge.
Could it be that simple??
JT
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Interesting Journey. I think what JT said sums it up. That is what we are used to. What our "normal" is. And being ACOA's, we are just drawn to the addictive personality type, cuz well, we can fix them, and take care of them, and make it all better
I remember as a teen (even tho my 14yr. old dd says I never was one) I always went out with the "bad boys" (they weren't really bad, but looking back, they were the partiers, and the addictive personality type) When I went out with the "good boys" (the ones who appeared to have a better chance to have a life) it never lasted. I was always quickly bored. We used to joke when we got a little older that we wanted the bad boys, but then when we got them we weren't getting the stability and security that we wanted. So, now that we have gotten older, we want what the nice boys would have offered us. Now, as I am writing this, it seems to me that I needed the excitment and chaos in my life, because this is where I felt the most comfortable, or normal. Even tho I didn't really want it. Make any sense?
My husband was the bad boy, his name had a stigma to it in our small town. (Not really bad, he's actually quite respected now) Maybe I thought he was just a conquest in the beginning, because actually in my mind, he was only supposed to be a one night stand. I already knew when we met, I was 23, that this was not the type of relationship I needed to be in.
JT ~ your first paragraph sounds like us to a T! And then the confusion & guilt! I was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and how come I just couldn't "Get it"!!
Hugs,
I remember as a teen (even tho my 14yr. old dd says I never was one) I always went out with the "bad boys" (they weren't really bad, but looking back, they were the partiers, and the addictive personality type) When I went out with the "good boys" (the ones who appeared to have a better chance to have a life) it never lasted. I was always quickly bored. We used to joke when we got a little older that we wanted the bad boys, but then when we got them we weren't getting the stability and security that we wanted. So, now that we have gotten older, we want what the nice boys would have offered us. Now, as I am writing this, it seems to me that I needed the excitment and chaos in my life, because this is where I felt the most comfortable, or normal. Even tho I didn't really want it. Make any sense?
My husband was the bad boy, his name had a stigma to it in our small town. (Not really bad, he's actually quite respected now) Maybe I thought he was just a conquest in the beginning, because actually in my mind, he was only supposed to be a one night stand. I already knew when we met, I was 23, that this was not the type of relationship I needed to be in.
JT ~ your first paragraph sounds like us to a T! And then the confusion & guilt! I was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and how come I just couldn't "Get it"!!
Hugs,
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
See Gypsy - that's what I don't get. I NEVER wanted the bad boys!!! I was always attracted to the nice, nerdy types (though they still had to be cute!!!! 
) And even now, my husband is Dudley Do-Right - mostly.... 
But still, JT's first paragraph kinda fits us too - I definitely take responsibility for everything, while he will tell you that life, bills, and responsibility are somehow foreign to his nature....
He has stopped blaming me for everything - now he just blames everyone else!
) And even now, my husband is Dudley Do-Right - mostly.... But still, JT's first paragraph kinda fits us too - I definitely take responsibility for everything, while he will tell you that life, bills, and responsibility are somehow foreign to his nature...
. He has stopped blaming me for everything - now he just blames everyone else!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Let me rephrase that. Ward is very responsible. He takes care of all the money, and the insurance stuff and retirement account stuff. He comes from a family where his father left when he was very young and they were very poor. The fire department gave them mittens and shoes. Of all his siblings, and there are many, they ALL are control freaks about the money.
It is all the personal stuff that he blames on others. Everyone in the world is trying to get in his pockets. He is very very cynical and mistrusting...and that includes me. He is almost paranoid in his mistrust. I used to go out of my way to MAKE him trust me. After all I am honest. Now I try not to bother with that junk. It is his junk. The thing is that he is very vocal in his paranoia and it is hard to not get drawn in. I have been married to him for 20 years and I have used all the words and have tried all the tactics I kknow and we still repeat conversations. To me it is crazy.
Hugs,
JT
It is all the personal stuff that he blames on others. Everyone in the world is trying to get in his pockets. He is very very cynical and mistrusting...and that includes me. He is almost paranoid in his mistrust. I used to go out of my way to MAKE him trust me. After all I am honest. Now I try not to bother with that junk. It is his junk. The thing is that he is very vocal in his paranoia and it is hard to not get drawn in. I have been married to him for 20 years and I have used all the words and have tried all the tactics I kknow and we still repeat conversations. To me it is crazy.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 34
I have recently realized that part of what attracted me to my A was the "illusion" of intimacy.
My family was very disconnected. We were like 5 separate people living in the same house. Even now, it's not unusual for me not to talk to my parents for a month or so.
However, dh's family did EVERYTHING together. And to me, they seemed to be the perfect family. I thought if I married him, I would finally fit in somewhere.
Of course, time proved that his family was quite sick, with much addiction and co-dependency. And, I found that all of that "togetherness" did not fill my void, and actually drives me crazy.
Cat
My family was very disconnected. We were like 5 separate people living in the same house. Even now, it's not unusual for me not to talk to my parents for a month or so.
However, dh's family did EVERYTHING together. And to me, they seemed to be the perfect family. I thought if I married him, I would finally fit in somewhere.
Of course, time proved that his family was quite sick, with much addiction and co-dependency. And, I found that all of that "togetherness" did not fill my void, and actually drives me crazy.
Cat
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Jersey City, N.J
Posts: 44
WOW!
I just finished reading this thread. I feel so many things about why and how we connect to A's. In my case, my Mother was a serious addict and alcoholic- though
my Dad was addicted and deeply damaged in his own way.
Almost every man I have been involved with has been an alcoholic or addict
or emotionally or psychologically abusive and had been a drinker or user.
I believe in Karma in all things. Meaning, everything evolves from Soul choices we make before we come into the physical body. This includes choice of our
gender, religion, country we grow up in , talents and gifts we bring in - parents and relationships -etc.
Are these awarenesses we contracted to learn? I would like to think I made the choice to develop a deeper understanding of myself and others - rather than feeling I blindly stumbled into such deep emotional chaos.
I feel when we grow up in a family where our parents hate themselves(in my case) - or at the very least - don't love themselves- they don't know how to teach US self love. We are taught to see the world through their emotional wounds,
and that becomes part of our reality.
Freud (not my speed) spoke of the repetition compulsion. He described it as
trying to fix our original wounds with our parents, with other people in our lives-
even if we do it again and again and again - until we feel we have resoved it.
Do we just resonate to this energy because we know it?
There is also the myth of Chiron , The Wounded Healer, who was able to heal others through the depth of his own wound , because he understood the intensity of pain and through that understanding - he could heal others .There are many.
Thank you , thank you , thank you for daring yourselves and the people who read this message baord to ask themselves these incredibly important questions.
Love and Reverence to all of you - Daria
my Dad was addicted and deeply damaged in his own way.
Almost every man I have been involved with has been an alcoholic or addict
or emotionally or psychologically abusive and had been a drinker or user.
I believe in Karma in all things. Meaning, everything evolves from Soul choices we make before we come into the physical body. This includes choice of our
gender, religion, country we grow up in , talents and gifts we bring in - parents and relationships -etc.
Are these awarenesses we contracted to learn? I would like to think I made the choice to develop a deeper understanding of myself and others - rather than feeling I blindly stumbled into such deep emotional chaos.
I feel when we grow up in a family where our parents hate themselves(in my case) - or at the very least - don't love themselves- they don't know how to teach US self love. We are taught to see the world through their emotional wounds,
and that becomes part of our reality.
Freud (not my speed) spoke of the repetition compulsion. He described it as
trying to fix our original wounds with our parents, with other people in our lives-
even if we do it again and again and again - until we feel we have resoved it.
Do we just resonate to this energy because we know it?
There is also the myth of Chiron , The Wounded Healer, who was able to heal others through the depth of his own wound , because he understood the intensity of pain and through that understanding - he could heal others .There are many.
Thank you , thank you , thank you for daring yourselves and the people who read this message baord to ask themselves these incredibly important questions.
Love and Reverence to all of you - Daria
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Owensboro, KY
Posts: 6
why do we pick A's?
Like it was said above, I picked mine because it was what I was used to. I wanted the excitement...the drama. Looking back to the boys I dated who were calm...I thought they were jsut too boring for a second date. Today they are doctors, dentists, lawyers. Why did I crave the one who quit his job while we were engaged???
A favorite ACOA phrase i use it "what we live with we practice...and what we practice we learn."
When the drinking and abuse got really bad I honestly thought that was the way married couples were supposed to act...because i saw it my whole life.
Today, thanks to 10 years of ACOA and AlAnon, I am still married. And thankst o me getting in recovery and getting off of HIS back, he has 2 years sober.
LIN
A favorite ACOA phrase i use it "what we live with we practice...and what we practice we learn."
When the drinking and abuse got really bad I honestly thought that was the way married couples were supposed to act...because i saw it my whole life.
Today, thanks to 10 years of ACOA and AlAnon, I am still married. And thankst o me getting in recovery and getting off of HIS back, he has 2 years sober.
LIN
Guest
Posts: n/a
addicted to A's
WOW, What a great topic. I have spent most of this day feeling angry, still angry at my ex A. And the thing is I left this relationship a year ago July. I am very grateful I finally got the nerve to do it, but I really still hurt. I am staying out of committed relationships for now, although I have been seeing someone lately. I think I learned not to place anyone's importance above mine or my Higher Power's. I agree that we are trying to fix the father/mother relationship in all these relationships, and I also think I am blind to that fact when I am in the middle of it. The best thing I have done for myself in this last year is set boundaries and learn to love myself. I do not want to ever allow the bahaviors in the next relationship that I did in the last. I am going to college and taking care of me, and enjoying the freedom since I am out from under the thumb. I admire the persons responding that are still in their relatinships and working together, that just wasn't the case for me.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Jersey City, N.J
Posts: 44
Hey , Dodie ! Welcome. I believe anger can be a catalyst for creative action!
Sounds like you are using it to motivate you ! Sorry you are still feeling
the pain of your last relationship.. It takes awhile to get over feeling hurt or betrayed by people we love.
Just do what your doing... Loving YOURSELF.
It's great that you are in college and doing set up for you life. Life is an adventure and it should be excellent in every way !
Best of luck in your journey and keep loving yourself ! Blessings - Daria
Sounds like you are using it to motivate you ! Sorry you are still feeling
the pain of your last relationship.. It takes awhile to get over feeling hurt or betrayed by people we love.
Just do what your doing... Loving YOURSELF.
It's great that you are in college and doing set up for you life. Life is an adventure and it should be excellent in every way !
Best of luck in your journey and keep loving yourself ! Blessings - Daria
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