self awareness
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
self awareness
I had a lightbulb moment yesterday...found out I'm a people pleaser. And turns out the 3 people I've told about it today ALREADY knew it?!
I didn't know it. I just always want to do the right thing--whatever that may be.
The problem has been, for me, that lately I've had so many twists and turns in life that I can't figure out the right thing to do. So then I get all this advice and I want to make everyone happy and do the right thing and I think I'm on overload.
Not that I couldn't please the majority of people but I started wondering what did I want?
CE has been asking me forever what my favorite color is and I don't know because nobody told me what it should be....and that's an easy thing.
So, I've been trying to figure out what I would do if I only thought about myself and my feelings. It's weird, though, trying to figure out what I want.
I didn't know it. I just always want to do the right thing--whatever that may be.
The problem has been, for me, that lately I've had so many twists and turns in life that I can't figure out the right thing to do. So then I get all this advice and I want to make everyone happy and do the right thing and I think I'm on overload.
Not that I couldn't please the majority of people but I started wondering what did I want?
CE has been asking me forever what my favorite color is and I don't know because nobody told me what it should be....and that's an easy thing.
So, I've been trying to figure out what I would do if I only thought about myself and my feelings. It's weird, though, trying to figure out what I want.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
(((Hugs)))) Chero take out a pen and paper and go to a very quiet space away from the computer-maybe outside somewhere and listen to the birds and all the other animals-write down what you feel, see, and then think about what you want and write that down too! First if you are ready to do so or rather when you are ready start with things like CE said:
What is your favorite color?
then go onto....
What is my favorite food?
Favorite time of the year?
Favorite dog?
Apples or Oranges?
Chicken or a burger?
Beach or Snow skiing?
then start to get bigger.....where do I want to be in a year in my life? etc....
It is fun! Enjoy! And by the way it is ok to be a people pleaser but, PLEASE YOU FIRST
What is your favorite color?
then go onto....
What is my favorite food?
Favorite time of the year?
Favorite dog?
Apples or Oranges?
Chicken or a burger?
Beach or Snow skiing?
then start to get bigger.....where do I want to be in a year in my life? etc....
It is fun! Enjoy! And by the way it is ok to be a people pleaser but, PLEASE YOU FIRST
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
In order for new concepts and ideas to be considered, someone has to be willing to be disagreeable. We have the capabilty of being brilliant and truly effecting the world in a positive way if we are wiling to be unpopular. If I was meant to be a duck, I'm pretty sure I'd have some feathers.
As a woman in recovery, you are leading someone who is two steps behind you in all of it.
As a woman in recovery, you are leading someone who is two steps behind you in all of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Sista, I'm gonna say this once
Your answers are "within"
The mistake we make, is try to find them externally. It's "habit" born of our "habit". People pleasers, enablers and selfless givers are used to viewing the world from the outside in. A tad backwards. Ya think?!?!?
You gotta look inward and get your "house" in order, before you can give to the outside. Different thinking.
Rella's right, whatever it takes for you to concentrate and FOCUS on YOU. One thing at a time. Simple is always better
For me, I began to walk. With a sony walkman. Helped that I was trying to lose 90 pounds, lol, but, as I got into the regimine, I realized I was spenidng a lot of time in the "internal". Asking myself what is it I want as I begin this new phase of my life. Wow, that was an overwhelming question, particularly since I was just getting off a BIG OLE pity pot,,,he,he,he. So, I started smal. thus, the favorite color. I liked Blue, but I think it was mostly cause it was husbands fav. Red, was neat, but kinda fiery for me. Black? God I looked good in it, it was sliming,,LoL, but not my fav. Green. Geez, that hits a nerve. My new couch was green. I picked that out myself. But did I do it cause I liked the color, or was I "settling" cause I had been "conditioned". A few more walks, that turned to runs, and by goly I got it. GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!! No one influenced me, told me what it shoud be, it just WAS!!! From my core to the outside.
From there it was a topic a week. Been running 13 years now, and my A took it all away in a very short time. But its not far, buried under a pile of crap, but I've been diggin for the last few months, and the first thing I uncovered was my fav color,,,
Peace AND love
Your answers are "within"
The mistake we make, is try to find them externally. It's "habit" born of our "habit". People pleasers, enablers and selfless givers are used to viewing the world from the outside in. A tad backwards. Ya think?!?!?
You gotta look inward and get your "house" in order, before you can give to the outside. Different thinking.
Rella's right, whatever it takes for you to concentrate and FOCUS on YOU. One thing at a time. Simple is always better
For me, I began to walk. With a sony walkman. Helped that I was trying to lose 90 pounds, lol, but, as I got into the regimine, I realized I was spenidng a lot of time in the "internal". Asking myself what is it I want as I begin this new phase of my life. Wow, that was an overwhelming question, particularly since I was just getting off a BIG OLE pity pot,,,he,he,he. So, I started smal. thus, the favorite color. I liked Blue, but I think it was mostly cause it was husbands fav. Red, was neat, but kinda fiery for me. Black? God I looked good in it, it was sliming,,LoL, but not my fav. Green. Geez, that hits a nerve. My new couch was green. I picked that out myself. But did I do it cause I liked the color, or was I "settling" cause I had been "conditioned". A few more walks, that turned to runs, and by goly I got it. GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!! No one influenced me, told me what it shoud be, it just WAS!!! From my core to the outside.
From there it was a topic a week. Been running 13 years now, and my A took it all away in a very short time. But its not far, buried under a pile of crap, but I've been diggin for the last few months, and the first thing I uncovered was my fav color,,,
Peace AND love
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Yikes.
People pleasing.
Yikes I could go on about this for days. Lucky for you all, I have that people pleasing trait of holding myself to a high work ethic standard and have to get back to work..so I will spare you my diatribe.
Short version..for me, I people pleased bc I believed that was what determined my worth. If I am what people want, I will be good enough for them, will be liked, and will validate my existence. Liking myself wasnt good enough, not that I even knew how to like myself, bc I didnt even know myself.
People who have a need for approval:
Work hard at being good: (1) at their job, (2) in their home life, (3) with their spouse, (4) as a parent, and (5) as an adult child with their own parents
Wait for others' permission to give themselves recognition for what they do.
Depend on others to give them a sense of self-worth.
Are poor at solving problems.
Avoid conflict because of the fear that the ``other'' will not approve their point of view.
Work hard at keeping ``peace at any price'' in a relationship.
Are ``People Pleasers'' doing, acting, and being for others what they think the others want.
Have a problem in letting others know how they think or feel about things.
Have a tendency to be ``over-responsible,'' taking on the responsibility of others (children, spouse, co-workers) in order to get things done.
Lack self-confidence in their skills, abilities, and knowledge. They tend to see themselves as ``incompetent.''
Have a tendency to ``hide the truth'' when it is more convenient to tell a lie, especially when they think conflict will arise by telling the truth.
Do anything to avoid hurting the feelings of others, even if it means swallowing their own feelings or denying the reality of things.
Fear rejection, neglect, abandonment and disapproval so much that they give up their own wants, needs, and rights subjecting themselves to the wants, needs, and whims of others.
Have a keen sense of obligation and act on this sense in all aspects of their life.
Suffer from ``paralysis of analysis'' and fret so much over what the possible consequences of a decision will be that they never make a decision or take a ``stand.''
Are convinced no matter what they do it ``isn't good enough'' to gain approval so they either work harder or give up.
Yikes I could go on about this for days. Lucky for you all, I have that people pleasing trait of holding myself to a high work ethic standard and have to get back to work..so I will spare you my diatribe.
Short version..for me, I people pleased bc I believed that was what determined my worth. If I am what people want, I will be good enough for them, will be liked, and will validate my existence. Liking myself wasnt good enough, not that I even knew how to like myself, bc I didnt even know myself.
People who have a need for approval:
Work hard at being good: (1) at their job, (2) in their home life, (3) with their spouse, (4) as a parent, and (5) as an adult child with their own parents
Wait for others' permission to give themselves recognition for what they do.
Depend on others to give them a sense of self-worth.
Are poor at solving problems.
Avoid conflict because of the fear that the ``other'' will not approve their point of view.
Work hard at keeping ``peace at any price'' in a relationship.
Are ``People Pleasers'' doing, acting, and being for others what they think the others want.
Have a problem in letting others know how they think or feel about things.
Have a tendency to be ``over-responsible,'' taking on the responsibility of others (children, spouse, co-workers) in order to get things done.
Lack self-confidence in their skills, abilities, and knowledge. They tend to see themselves as ``incompetent.''
Have a tendency to ``hide the truth'' when it is more convenient to tell a lie, especially when they think conflict will arise by telling the truth.
Do anything to avoid hurting the feelings of others, even if it means swallowing their own feelings or denying the reality of things.
Fear rejection, neglect, abandonment and disapproval so much that they give up their own wants, needs, and rights subjecting themselves to the wants, needs, and whims of others.
Have a keen sense of obligation and act on this sense in all aspects of their life.
Suffer from ``paralysis of analysis'' and fret so much over what the possible consequences of a decision will be that they never make a decision or take a ``stand.''
Are convinced no matter what they do it ``isn't good enough'' to gain approval so they either work harder or give up.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
ELIZABETH!!! That's me to a tee! Good grief! 
I'm working on it--I hate being that way.
Rella, that is some great advice! I'm for sure going to start small....work on that color first!
I'm working on it--I hate being that way.Rella, that is some great advice! I'm for sure going to start small....work on that color first!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Congrads Chero on your "lightbulb moment"
I love when I get those moments..... unfortunally I need to remember to work on them when I see it.
I have found that people pleasing is not such a bad quality to have .... just as long as I remember that Im the only person I have to live with and its much easier to live with myself if Im first on my list of people to take care of.
I love when I get those moments..... unfortunally I need to remember to work on them when I see it.
I have found that people pleasing is not such a bad quality to have .... just as long as I remember that Im the only person I have to live with and its much easier to live with myself if Im first on my list of people to take care of.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
unfortunally I need to remember to work on them when I see it.
For those "verterns" here.
Do you find you take your "self enlightenment" for granted the more time and distance you put between being a "newbie" like me and forming your original boundry?
If so, how is it any different from the A who when not working their "program" runs the real risk of relapse?
Sista, sorry for highjacking your thread,,,,
But your post made me get my ducks in a row with this thought.
And you think you don't CONTRIBUTE?!?!??!?!
Pshaaaaaaaawwwwww,,,,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
how is it any different from the A who when not working their "program" runs the real risk of relapse?
I do not take the "self enlightenment" for granted because it is always a growth process.... for example......
Orginally I was amazed when I figured out what many red flags were and to look for them...(silly I know) today Im amazed that not only can I see the glaring red flags but I can also see red flags that apply probably only to me and would not be a red flag to someone else..... That was a new "lightbulb moment" to me.... that I can have personal red flags and act on them even if others would not agree its a red flag..... make sense??? I might not be explaining it right.
I will never come to a place of complete "self enlightenment" so Im thankful everyday for the "lightbulb moments"
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
that I can have personal red flags and act on them even if others would not agree its a red flag..... make sense???
What your saying to me Cynay, is you have set your standards, gotten to know YOUR core and because of that, are in tuned with the red flags that aren't good for you personally.
If I can ,let me put that in perspective of the simple thing like, your favorite color.
If you like purple, find a sofa thats Red and try and "fit" it into what you want, the 'red flag" comes up, For GOODNESS sake, go for the PURPLE!!! Leave the Red one for someone whose color is red,,,lol
I think we constantly, throughout our lives, have to look inward and remind ourselves what we're all about. And yes, take "inventory" to see if anything has changed.
But FIRST, you have to know who you are
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Yes that is what Im saying......
That is why I dont not stop working the steps.... I go through the 12 steps and probably will the rest of my life..... Step 10, Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I will always continue to change and grow (I hope) therefore who know... one day I may be Red and that sofa would be perfect...
Today is not that day.... so I keep it real for what is my truth today.
That is why I dont not stop working the steps.... I go through the 12 steps and probably will the rest of my life..... Step 10, Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I will always continue to change and grow (I hope) therefore who know... one day I may be Red and that sofa would be perfect...
Today is not that day.... so I keep it real for what is my truth today.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I ain't nowhere NEAR ten yet. lol, Still working on 2 and 3,,he,he,he,
But I'm a curious sort, and amazed at how much you veterns contribute here. I see it in my groups too. People who tirelessly show up, been doing it for years when they can be sitting in front of survivor!!
What it teaches me? Dedication to self. Something I WANT so badly
Peace
But I'm a curious sort, and amazed at how much you veterns contribute here. I see it in my groups too. People who tirelessly show up, been doing it for years when they can be sitting in front of survivor!!
What it teaches me? Dedication to self. Something I WANT so badly
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Sweetie .... though I also admire veterns and Im very thankful they are here and in the rooms.... you have to remember.
IMHO
Newbies are the most important person here or in the rooms..... You are what keeps us healthy and working our program.... Once again, for me its the program... 12th step....
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these step, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
So look at it this way... If it were not for you and everyone else being here to share where they are at.... The chances of me being able to maintain my program/growth would not be good.
IMHO
Newbies are the most important person here or in the rooms..... You are what keeps us healthy and working our program.... Once again, for me its the program... 12th step....
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these step, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
So look at it this way... If it were not for you and everyone else being here to share where they are at.... The chances of me being able to maintain my program/growth would not be good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Thanks Elizabeth !
Great. I'm an alkie AND a people pleaser
Nah, I knew it already. My 4th & 5th steps brought this to light. Actually, my sponsor did during my 5th.
Don't you love "aha !" moments ?
Great. I'm an alkie AND a people pleaser
Nah, I knew it already. My 4th & 5th steps brought this to light. Actually, my sponsor did during my 5th.
Don't you love "aha !" moments ?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
People pleasing, eh? Geez, I think I know all about it. Obnoxiously responsible, not making any waves, the proverbial peace keeper, take a poll before I make any decision--urgh! I recently told my friend that I've been so enmeshed with my AH for so long that I don't know where he ends and I begin. It is incredibly hard for me to take a stand and stick to my decision; I automatically go to how my decision will affect my AH before considering my own feelings. Heck, I said that I've had enough so many times that I don't even believe myself anymore! 
No wonder, my husband doesn't take my "proclamations" seriously. He knows so well that given enough coaxing and talking, I will eventually give in and eveything will return to "normal."
I am not working the program. I don't even like that phrase. I do know, though, that I need to change and am taking small steps toward taking care of myself. I told my AH that I am filing for a dissolution--am I certain about it? NO! I doubt this decision all the time, but I will not let my AH know. It's so easy to slip back into the old patterns, go with the flow, but if I do that, things will be just as they were before. At least I know that I don't want that.
No wonder, my husband doesn't take my "proclamations" seriously. He knows so well that given enough coaxing and talking, I will eventually give in and eveything will return to "normal." I am not working the program. I don't even like that phrase. I do know, though, that I need to change and am taking small steps toward taking care of myself. I told my AH that I am filing for a dissolution--am I certain about it? NO! I doubt this decision all the time, but I will not let my AH know. It's so easy to slip back into the old patterns, go with the flow, but if I do that, things will be just as they were before. At least I know that I don't want that.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by an'ka 
am I certain about it? NO! I doubt this decision all the time,
It's hard to start with small decisions when I know there are huge ones out there to be made.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Chero ....
What is your greatest fear in making any decision? What do you Doubt exactly?
Dont get me wrong, I doubt decisions all the time, sometimes huge doubts but are you doubting yourself, what you know to be true or actually the results of the decision.
What is your greatest fear in making any decision? What do you Doubt exactly?
Dont get me wrong, I doubt decisions all the time, sometimes huge doubts but are you doubting yourself, what you know to be true or actually the results of the decision.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Cynay, I just can't stand the thought of messing up and upsetting people.
I have all these people in my life who would be hurt or upset if I leave him forever.
I have these people who think I should give him another chance.
I think that's why I kept my life with an alcoholic a secret for sooo many years--until I couldn't hide it anymore.
I'm so used to doing what everyone wants me to do and being as good as possible and part of the way I do that is by doing whatever anybody wants me to do.
UGH! I sound SICK!
I'm just afraid to make the wrong choice. I'm CHICKEN, I guess.
I have all these people in my life who would be hurt or upset if I leave him forever.
I have these people who think I should give him another chance.
I think that's why I kept my life with an alcoholic a secret for sooo many years--until I couldn't hide it anymore.
I'm so used to doing what everyone wants me to do and being as good as possible and part of the way I do that is by doing whatever anybody wants me to do.
UGH! I sound SICK!
I'm just afraid to make the wrong choice. I'm CHICKEN, I guess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
So tell me .....
What is the very worst thing that could happen if you make a decision that others dont like?
Could you live with it??
If you dont make mistakes your oviously not growing. The right answers come usually from trying everything else and those being wrong.... to get you to the right decision... and hon.... Fear is the driving force of our disease.... If you only keep recovering the rest will fall into place.
What is the very worst thing that could happen if you make a decision that others dont like?
Could you live with it??
If you dont make mistakes your oviously not growing. The right answers come usually from trying everything else and those being wrong.... to get you to the right decision... and hon.... Fear is the driving force of our disease.... If you only keep recovering the rest will fall into place.
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