At a loss...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 8
At a loss...
I don't know what to do.
I'm such a confused bundle of nerves and mixed emotions that I can't even make up my mind what I *feel*, let alone what I should do.
For 2 years, I have been dating a wonderful, caring, sweet man. It took me a year to figure out that he is a high-functioning alcoholic...and I feel so stupid about that. I can't believe that I was so naive. I never would have signed on for such a relationship, had I had any idea.
And yet, I fell for him so completely, so quickly.
He's not the stereotypical wife-beating ******* when he gets drunk; he's quite a happy drunk, in fact. He usually has a couple of beers in the evening after he gets home from work, and smokes a cigar while downing a couple of Manhattans (usually tops them off a bit while working on them, too). He also smokes pot on a fairly regular basis.
He hid the smoking (both cigars and pot) from me for over a month after we started dating (and we knew each other for 3 months prior to dating). He knew I would not care for either.
He usually treats me like a queen. He is incredibly good to both me and my daughter. He dotes on me. As sad as this is, he's actually more functional drunk than my ex-husband ever was, sober. (My housecat was more useful than my ex, if that gives you any idea.) My family adores him. He is the "golden boy" at work. Our sex life is explosive...or at least, it is when he does not fall asleep in compromising positions, which is happening more and more frequently. (We still usually have sex 3 or 4 times a night when he is over, despite this.) He is faithful, affectionate, intelligent, funny, sweet, fun to be with, and generous.
My problem? After a dreamy Memorial Day weekend, he acted like a complete jerk to me this past weekend.
I had always assumed that he was a "dry drunk"--someone who at one point had cleaned himself up (albeit temporarily) but had never really worked at recovery. He has been sober in the past...and I was stunned to find out that he had been sober for 10 years at one point, and a member of AA.
Then this weekend he tells me that he has no intentions of ever going permanently sober again. He did that for his ex-wife, I guess...and now he wants to live the way he wants to live, not compromise for anyone.
Part of me understands that. After being trapped in a marriage where I was always the one compromising, yet never getting any compromises made towards what *I* wanted, yes, I feel the same way sometimes. I don't want to change for anyone! I want to be me, and anyone who doesn't like it or can't deal, can walk! At the same time, I know that not everything I do is wonderful, great, and perfect, and maybe there are some things that I ought to change, when someone I love points them out. So I see where he's coming from, there.
What I don't understand is, why someone who knows he is sick, would choose not to get well. I am on permanent disability. I am a childhood cancer survivor. Everything I have with regards to my health, I have struggled for and continue to struggle for on a daily basis. It just dumbfounds me!
I also confess to some jealousy; he sobered up for his ex, yet he won't do it for me. He says I am far and away, the greatest love of his life and yet...he won't sober up. If he had to choose between me and a whiskey bottle, I would lose.
I'm not interested in marrying this man or moving in with him. I wouldn't want to take that step with him, even if he WEREN'T drinking. I like being single. I like that my household has a very short chain of command (with me at the top). I like knowing where all the money in the house is going, even if there isn't much of it. Etc., etc., etc. The fact that I am a single mom only compounds this: No way will I even entertain such notions. I'm not giving my kid an alcoholic stepdaddy.
I really am torn about a lot of things lately, though. Can I have a relationship with this man at all, or if I do "accept him" the way he is, am I enabling the behavior? I mean, if his drinking doesn't force him to make tough decisions, or doesn't affect his life, it's not costing him anything. I know I can't save him from himself. I also don't believe in giving people ultimatums. I think that's a poor way to run a relationship. I think it deteriorates trust, and if it comes to ending the relationship at some point, I will make that decision for him, rather than force him to choose.
I would say about 98% of the time, he makes me feel great. It's just once or twice a year, that he does or says something to **** me off, and make me wonder, what am I doing?
BTW, he does not drink or smoke around my child (or in fact, around any of my family--they were startled to learn that he smokes cigars!)
Please, help me sort this out. I'm not asking to be told what to do. (In fact, I hate that.) I just want to know about the experiences of others who have been there, done that.
citygirl3
I'm such a confused bundle of nerves and mixed emotions that I can't even make up my mind what I *feel*, let alone what I should do.
For 2 years, I have been dating a wonderful, caring, sweet man. It took me a year to figure out that he is a high-functioning alcoholic...and I feel so stupid about that. I can't believe that I was so naive. I never would have signed on for such a relationship, had I had any idea.
And yet, I fell for him so completely, so quickly.
He's not the stereotypical wife-beating ******* when he gets drunk; he's quite a happy drunk, in fact. He usually has a couple of beers in the evening after he gets home from work, and smokes a cigar while downing a couple of Manhattans (usually tops them off a bit while working on them, too). He also smokes pot on a fairly regular basis.
He hid the smoking (both cigars and pot) from me for over a month after we started dating (and we knew each other for 3 months prior to dating). He knew I would not care for either.
He usually treats me like a queen. He is incredibly good to both me and my daughter. He dotes on me. As sad as this is, he's actually more functional drunk than my ex-husband ever was, sober. (My housecat was more useful than my ex, if that gives you any idea.) My family adores him. He is the "golden boy" at work. Our sex life is explosive...or at least, it is when he does not fall asleep in compromising positions, which is happening more and more frequently. (We still usually have sex 3 or 4 times a night when he is over, despite this.) He is faithful, affectionate, intelligent, funny, sweet, fun to be with, and generous.
My problem? After a dreamy Memorial Day weekend, he acted like a complete jerk to me this past weekend.
I had always assumed that he was a "dry drunk"--someone who at one point had cleaned himself up (albeit temporarily) but had never really worked at recovery. He has been sober in the past...and I was stunned to find out that he had been sober for 10 years at one point, and a member of AA.
Then this weekend he tells me that he has no intentions of ever going permanently sober again. He did that for his ex-wife, I guess...and now he wants to live the way he wants to live, not compromise for anyone.
Part of me understands that. After being trapped in a marriage where I was always the one compromising, yet never getting any compromises made towards what *I* wanted, yes, I feel the same way sometimes. I don't want to change for anyone! I want to be me, and anyone who doesn't like it or can't deal, can walk! At the same time, I know that not everything I do is wonderful, great, and perfect, and maybe there are some things that I ought to change, when someone I love points them out. So I see where he's coming from, there.
What I don't understand is, why someone who knows he is sick, would choose not to get well. I am on permanent disability. I am a childhood cancer survivor. Everything I have with regards to my health, I have struggled for and continue to struggle for on a daily basis. It just dumbfounds me!
I also confess to some jealousy; he sobered up for his ex, yet he won't do it for me. He says I am far and away, the greatest love of his life and yet...he won't sober up. If he had to choose between me and a whiskey bottle, I would lose.
I'm not interested in marrying this man or moving in with him. I wouldn't want to take that step with him, even if he WEREN'T drinking. I like being single. I like that my household has a very short chain of command (with me at the top). I like knowing where all the money in the house is going, even if there isn't much of it. Etc., etc., etc. The fact that I am a single mom only compounds this: No way will I even entertain such notions. I'm not giving my kid an alcoholic stepdaddy.
I really am torn about a lot of things lately, though. Can I have a relationship with this man at all, or if I do "accept him" the way he is, am I enabling the behavior? I mean, if his drinking doesn't force him to make tough decisions, or doesn't affect his life, it's not costing him anything. I know I can't save him from himself. I also don't believe in giving people ultimatums. I think that's a poor way to run a relationship. I think it deteriorates trust, and if it comes to ending the relationship at some point, I will make that decision for him, rather than force him to choose.
I would say about 98% of the time, he makes me feel great. It's just once or twice a year, that he does or says something to **** me off, and make me wonder, what am I doing?
BTW, he does not drink or smoke around my child (or in fact, around any of my family--they were startled to learn that he smokes cigars!)
Please, help me sort this out. I'm not asking to be told what to do. (In fact, I hate that.) I just want to know about the experiences of others who have been there, done that.
citygirl3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by citygirl3 
If he had to choose between me and a whiskey bottle, I would lose.
When I realized it would be the bottle over me, too, I had to start taking a good hard look at myself. Why did I think that was acceptable? I get very nervous now when people talk about being respectful of each other a "compromise." I think what is really being said is take me as I am. That is their choice. It's my choice if I accept that for my life.
Keep posting. Many great people here with lots of wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
he's quite a happy drunk
If you are willing to accept his current behavior and stay in this relationship, please please please educate yourself on alcoholism and it's inevitable progression if left untreated. That's my only advice.
If I knew then what I know now about alcoholism, I would never have married my husband and I would have discontinued our relationship immediately. Hindsight is truly 20/20. But, that's just me.
Welcome to SR! You'll find tons of great information and people here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Hello and welcome!
He has to become sober for himself. He may have sobered up while with his ex, but remember the disease is progressive and unless he's getting help, it takes over.
Many of the questions you asked can only be answered by what you truly want and believe for yourself and your child. What are you willing to accept? He's shown you he's not wanting to quit either drinking or smoking. Throughout my experience of living with my exboyfriend, I started to look at the actions more. Even though, he's not drinking or smoking around your child, he might eventually. It's progressive.
You said you can't save him from himself. Please remember you CAN save yourself.
If you decide to stay in the relationship, I highly recommend reading about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself more. Read all you can and post here often!
Ultimately for me, what was ok at one time became unacceptable. I decided my peace was worth more. That was my only responsibility.
I'm glad you found us!
He has to become sober for himself. He may have sobered up while with his ex, but remember the disease is progressive and unless he's getting help, it takes over.
Many of the questions you asked can only be answered by what you truly want and believe for yourself and your child. What are you willing to accept? He's shown you he's not wanting to quit either drinking or smoking. Throughout my experience of living with my exboyfriend, I started to look at the actions more. Even though, he's not drinking or smoking around your child, he might eventually. It's progressive.
You said you can't save him from himself. Please remember you CAN save yourself.
If you decide to stay in the relationship, I highly recommend reading about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself more. Read all you can and post here often!
Ultimately for me, what was ok at one time became unacceptable. I decided my peace was worth more. That was my only responsibility.
I'm glad you found us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 8
thank you...
...and to answer some of your questions:
Yes, I do have boundaries. For example:
1) No smoking in my home. (OK, I let him smoke his cigar in my apartment once, when the wind chill outside was -10 and my daughter wasn't home. I wasn't going to make him freeze his a** off.) But, smoke-free home.
2) I don't want to know where his stash (of pot) is. I'm not interested in being taken to court...
3) If he gets drunk and does something stooooopid, I don't listen to any whining. Waking up with a wicked hangover is not the same as waking up with the stomach flu or puking after being pumped full of chemo drugs. The most he will get out of me is a glass of warm water and some aspirin. No consoling words or shoulder to cry on. Ditto for things like the time he decided to go tubing in the Smokies (which is like playing bumper cars on the river) after dark, after he had a few beers. I thought he might have broken his tailbone, after he rode over some rocks on his rear, but I didn't "poor baby" him...
4) I'm not going to listen to any s***. One time he sniped at me--when he hadn't been drinking. I just said, "Can I say *anything* right today???" because he had been in a strange mood the entire time I was at his home. He said, "I deserved that." Last weekend he thanked me for "calling him on his s***" when that happened. He said he respects me for that. I told him last night that if he behaves the way he did this past weekend, that I'm walking out and not going to listen or subject myself to that. Which brings me to...
5) On the rare occasions when he decides to be a jerk (drunk or sober), I don't have to give him an audience. I do not live with this man. I have the luxury of walking away anytime he is unpleasant to be around.
For those of you wondering, "What does she get out of this?" I can explain more later...
Thanks for your replies.
Yes, I do have boundaries. For example:
1) No smoking in my home. (OK, I let him smoke his cigar in my apartment once, when the wind chill outside was -10 and my daughter wasn't home. I wasn't going to make him freeze his a** off.) But, smoke-free home.
2) I don't want to know where his stash (of pot) is. I'm not interested in being taken to court...
3) If he gets drunk and does something stooooopid, I don't listen to any whining. Waking up with a wicked hangover is not the same as waking up with the stomach flu or puking after being pumped full of chemo drugs. The most he will get out of me is a glass of warm water and some aspirin. No consoling words or shoulder to cry on. Ditto for things like the time he decided to go tubing in the Smokies (which is like playing bumper cars on the river) after dark, after he had a few beers. I thought he might have broken his tailbone, after he rode over some rocks on his rear, but I didn't "poor baby" him...
4) I'm not going to listen to any s***. One time he sniped at me--when he hadn't been drinking. I just said, "Can I say *anything* right today???" because he had been in a strange mood the entire time I was at his home. He said, "I deserved that." Last weekend he thanked me for "calling him on his s***" when that happened. He said he respects me for that. I told him last night that if he behaves the way he did this past weekend, that I'm walking out and not going to listen or subject myself to that. Which brings me to...
5) On the rare occasions when he decides to be a jerk (drunk or sober), I don't have to give him an audience. I do not live with this man. I have the luxury of walking away anytime he is unpleasant to be around.
For those of you wondering, "What does she get out of this?" I can explain more later...
Thanks for your replies.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by WhatAboutME
Aaaaah, those were the days. Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive disease and these "happy" times tend to be short-lived for most alcoholics. It took my AH about 8 years to become a miserable drunk. Not mean, just miserable. Depressed, etc. It took less than 6 months for him to digress from a highly functional alcoholic to a jobless, homeless drunk w/ what would appear to be some very serious mental health issues secondary to his ridiculous daily consumption of alcohol.
If you are willing to accept his current behavior and stay in this relationship, please please please educate yourself on alcoholism and it's inevitable progression if left untreated. That's my only advice.
If I knew then what I know now about alcoholism, I would never have married my husband and I would have discontinued our relationship immediately. Hindsight is truly 20/20. But, that's just me.
Welcome to SR! You'll find tons of great information and people here.
If you are willing to accept his current behavior and stay in this relationship, please please please educate yourself on alcoholism and it's inevitable progression if left untreated. That's my only advice.
If I knew then what I know now about alcoholism, I would never have married my husband and I would have discontinued our relationship immediately. Hindsight is truly 20/20. But, that's just me.
Welcome to SR! You'll find tons of great information and people here.
DITTO
Mine too was a happy drunk....then a nasty drunk.....then a down right abusive (physically he was always emotionally abusive) it gone down right ugly.
I agree if I knew then what I know now about alcoholism too I would never have been involved but rather also discontinued the relationship without question. I did not take the time while growing up with A's to educate myself because I was too busy trying to survive my childhood the best way that I could. Now I'am growing up and educating myself so there will no longer be relationship like that again-(be it a male, female, co-worker etc..)
It sounds as if you have an idea of what is going on-as parent covers said Al-Anon could be a step in the right direction-I was dead against it when it was suggested to me but, now I'm grateful that I gave it chance-You need to do what is right for yourself and your child...and only you know that answer.
Take care of YOU!
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hey citygirl3, Welcome to SR
My story is similar to yours. My ABF was good at hiding his bottle, and I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until well into our relationship
And yup, I felt DUMB!! But I quickly forgave myself, since this was my first relationship with an A. I mean, I have seen it, in my own family, but never was in a "romantic" postion to experience it.
Much like you, My A treated me like gold at first. Even when it became apparent he was "asltered" as I clued in to what was going on. I learned what was meant when people said the disease was progressive. I always thought that meant the drinking would increase. Instead I realized it also meant, behaviours and paterns would be intensified, and personality would become skewed. Although, I'm still trying to figure out if the personality is skewed or was there to begin with?
As things "escalated" with my A, so did his abuse. Verbally, emotionally, finally culminating with physical. That was my bottom. I wouldnot tolerate a man laying a FINGER on me. I'm a tough little injun, he's lucky I didn't kick his arse
Which was another thing that scared me. My "core" is a peace loving hippie chick. Rage and violence is foreign to me. The way he could "twist" me into anger made me someone I didn't want to be.
I began to learn about the disease and looked for support for myself. I read all I could, went to al anon meeting (boy, was the first one SCARY!!) and found SR. In the process, I found my "boundry's" and began to empower myself with what was acceptable for ME. My A's wants/needs becoming secondary.
We're happy your hear. Keep posting, reading and continue your journey to find the best answer for YOU
Peace
My story is similar to yours. My ABF was good at hiding his bottle, and I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until well into our relationship
And yup, I felt DUMB!! But I quickly forgave myself, since this was my first relationship with an A. I mean, I have seen it, in my own family, but never was in a "romantic" postion to experience it.
Much like you, My A treated me like gold at first. Even when it became apparent he was "asltered" as I clued in to what was going on. I learned what was meant when people said the disease was progressive. I always thought that meant the drinking would increase. Instead I realized it also meant, behaviours and paterns would be intensified, and personality would become skewed. Although, I'm still trying to figure out if the personality is skewed or was there to begin with?
As things "escalated" with my A, so did his abuse. Verbally, emotionally, finally culminating with physical. That was my bottom. I wouldnot tolerate a man laying a FINGER on me. I'm a tough little injun, he's lucky I didn't kick his arse
Which was another thing that scared me. My "core" is a peace loving hippie chick. Rage and violence is foreign to me. The way he could "twist" me into anger made me someone I didn't want to be.
I began to learn about the disease and looked for support for myself. I read all I could, went to al anon meeting (boy, was the first one SCARY!!) and found SR. In the process, I found my "boundry's" and began to empower myself with what was acceptable for ME. My A's wants/needs becoming secondary.
We're happy your hear. Keep posting, reading and continue your journey to find the best answer for YOU
Peace
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Hey Citygirl,
My RAH was an alcoholic when we met and lived together over 20 years ago. After putting up with it for 3 years, I took my 3 kids and left him and made arrangements to throw him out of my apartment. He spiraled out of control, lost me, the kids, his job, etc. He decided then to go to detox and rehab. He readily admitted he did not do it for me - he did it for him, he saw how bad his life was getting and he hit rock bottom. But he wound up being sober for over 14 years, we got married and had a great marriage. A few years ago, he picked up again and at first he was a happy drunk (always treated me like a queen, pays all the bills, I get whatever I want as long as I'm happy) but did irresponsible things like drink and drive and drink at work. Those things drove me nuts until I got help for myself. I learned to detach, and was doing really well at it. My RAH always said he would never stop drinking again, he could control it and at his age no one was going to tell him what to do. About a month ago, he started changing for the worse (not abusive or anything but mean), just totally out of control. About three weeks ago, I was leaving him (for real), he threatened to kill himself and was more drunk than I'd ever seen him. My son called the ambulence and he was taken to the hospital with a blood alcohol of .4 (which is usually coma, life support and death). Three days later, up to rehab he went (voluntarily) and is still there, learning more each day and getting into working the program. But again, he even said to me, he's not doing this for me, he's doing this for him and for us. Please don't think or believe that your BF stayed sober for all those years for "her". It doesn't work that way, it must be for "him". And please do understand, it is progressive and it does get worse, much worse, and I'm the first one to admit when I came onto SR and I heard that, I said "not my AH", he won't get like that. Trust me, it happens. Keep reading and posting and nice to meet you.
QT
My RAH was an alcoholic when we met and lived together over 20 years ago. After putting up with it for 3 years, I took my 3 kids and left him and made arrangements to throw him out of my apartment. He spiraled out of control, lost me, the kids, his job, etc. He decided then to go to detox and rehab. He readily admitted he did not do it for me - he did it for him, he saw how bad his life was getting and he hit rock bottom. But he wound up being sober for over 14 years, we got married and had a great marriage. A few years ago, he picked up again and at first he was a happy drunk (always treated me like a queen, pays all the bills, I get whatever I want as long as I'm happy) but did irresponsible things like drink and drive and drink at work. Those things drove me nuts until I got help for myself. I learned to detach, and was doing really well at it. My RAH always said he would never stop drinking again, he could control it and at his age no one was going to tell him what to do. About a month ago, he started changing for the worse (not abusive or anything but mean), just totally out of control. About three weeks ago, I was leaving him (for real), he threatened to kill himself and was more drunk than I'd ever seen him. My son called the ambulence and he was taken to the hospital with a blood alcohol of .4 (which is usually coma, life support and death). Three days later, up to rehab he went (voluntarily) and is still there, learning more each day and getting into working the program. But again, he even said to me, he's not doing this for me, he's doing this for him and for us. Please don't think or believe that your BF stayed sober for all those years for "her". It doesn't work that way, it must be for "him". And please do understand, it is progressive and it does get worse, much worse, and I'm the first one to admit when I came onto SR and I heard that, I said "not my AH", he won't get like that. Trust me, it happens. Keep reading and posting and nice to meet you.
QT
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Citygirl3))
Welcome to SR - as you can see from the other post there are many of us who have had similar stories.
We have started relationships with wonderful people but the disease of alcoholism took those wonderful people down a horrible painful path. Some of us learned early on that we didn't have to walk that path with them, some of us learned after many years of painful experiences.
I suppose there may be a few out there who do not progress in their drinking, I have yet to meet one or to hear of anyone post about one.
Please know that I am not telling you that you can not have a relationship with this wonderful man, just wanting you to know that you might want to learn some of the tools we use to take care of ourselves in dealing with the effects of alcoholism.
Al-Anon meetings, working the 12 Steps, talking with other recovery friends and posting on SR helps me deal with how I am affected by another person's drinking.
Wishing you peace in your decision in what is best for you & your daughter,
Rita
Welcome to SR - as you can see from the other post there are many of us who have had similar stories.
We have started relationships with wonderful people but the disease of alcoholism took those wonderful people down a horrible painful path. Some of us learned early on that we didn't have to walk that path with them, some of us learned after many years of painful experiences.
I suppose there may be a few out there who do not progress in their drinking, I have yet to meet one or to hear of anyone post about one.
Please know that I am not telling you that you can not have a relationship with this wonderful man, just wanting you to know that you might want to learn some of the tools we use to take care of ourselves in dealing with the effects of alcoholism.
Al-Anon meetings, working the 12 Steps, talking with other recovery friends and posting on SR helps me deal with how I am affected by another person's drinking.
Wishing you peace in your decision in what is best for you & your daughter,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
But he wound up being sober for over 14 years, we got married and had a great marriage. A few years ago, he picked up again
You sound like you have a good handle on alcoholism and have set some healthy boundaries. Good for you. I wish I would have done that about...10 years ago!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 8
ty for all the advice...
I don't know if, as one of you said, I have a good handle on the problem or not...
I can't attend Al-Anon meetings right now. My daughter is a verbally precocious four-year-old who will repeat almost anything she overhears. (Her latest gem..."Daddy likes to pee in the snow." Don't ask me WHY she said this, in June. Even in Michigan, we don't get snow in June.)
Right now everything appears to be normal and copacetic with my sweetie. He spent the night with me last night, and I'm pretty sure he did not drink before he came over. Either that, or he had MUCH less than his usual. (Sometimes I can actually smell the alcohol coming out of his pores, especially if he has had a lot of whiskey in particular.) He was great to me.
I don't want to endlessly rehash with him what went on last weekend, so after telling him earlier this week that I'm not going to put up with that garbage, I have dropped it. Until/unless it happens again, of course.
In many ways, he and I are opposite sides of the same coin. While I have never in my life been purposely self-destructive, as he has, we have had many parallel experiences (including eerie similarities in our ex-spouses/bad marriages). I am not a substance abuser, but I could easily have gone in that direction. I am bipolar. (I'm currently stable, but off medications--with the blessing of my doctor, who I see monthly.) When I've been on manic "highs" in the past, I've done some rather embarassing things.
I enjoy an occasional glass of wine with a meal, or a cocktail, and after living in Paris for 5 months as an exchange student in college, I find that ritual very civilized. But if it's just me at home, or just me and my daughter, I won't bother cracking open a bottle of something. To me, it's more of a social/special occasion thing. And before I began dating my BF, I didn't even need one hand to count the number of times in the previous 5 years I had had an alcoholic beverage. It's just not a big deal to me... So I guess the natural question is, should I stop enjoying an occasional drink? On the one hand, being his drinking buddy or condoning the behavior might be enabling him. On the other hand, I'm certain he will crack open the bottle of wine, whether I have some or not. So what's a girl to do?
I have never done illicit drugs, but as a chronic insomniac (due to bipolar disorder and interstitial cystitis) I often have to take sleeping medications. It's hard to fall asleep and stay asleep, when either your brain won't stop spinning, or you feel like you have to pee 5-10 times in one night. (Ladies, remember your pregnancies? That's what my life was like before the IC meds.)
I also have a problem overeating, so in some ways, I understand why an alcoholic "can't just stop" drinking. I mean...I know what I have to do to lose weight. I don't need to go on some wacky diet-du-jour. I just need to burn more calories than I take in, on a regular basis. I successfullly lost 75 pounds in 10 months, once, on an organized diet program. Then I gained 50 pounds during my pregnancy. Now, I am a stress eater. And the worst times for me are after my daughter goes to bed. It's like a switch clicks on in my brain, and I just start eating anything that isn't nailed down--even things *I DON'T LIKE*! LOL. (I am on my 5th day of NOT eating after dinner now. Staying away from the futon and the TV set seems to be helping.) Yet, overall, I have failed miserably at "just not eating" too much. So I think I do "get it" as far as what's going on. Binge drinking or overeating, or whatever vice one cares to name, are compulsive behaviors. If they are not recognized as such, if the underlying cause is not addressed, if steps are not taken to replace them with healthier behaviors, and if the person (ultimately) does not find healthier coping mechanisms, they will flourish, thrive, and grow...
For me, the healthier behavior this week has involved hiding in my basement. Right now I'm on the computer, but I've also gotten my basement cleaner than it has ever been over the past week!
My boyfriend does a lot of wonderful things for me, and treats me very well, emotionally, most of the time. In the past 2 months, he had a family member fix my van for free (after one repair shop gave me an estimate of nearly $800), installed a garbage disposal, built and mounted a tire swing for my daughter in the backyard, painted my daughter's bedroom, fixed my mountain bike...and probably a few other things I've forgotten. He's very much a "doer," and by that I mean, he's less likely to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, than he is to show how much he cares by doing something that helps me out. (That's fine by me. My ex-husband would say "I love you" 500 times a day, but was as lazy as the day is long.) My boyfriend has a key to my flat, and sometimes I have come home to milk and fresh produce that has mysteriously materialized in my refrigerator. (He knows that money is tight for me, and for awhile I was getting a lot of groceries from a food bank.) When we went out to a wedding on Memorial Day weekend, he bought me a dress because he knew I couldn't afford to buy an evening gown for myself. He paid for my x-rays, when he referred me to his chiropractor for my back pain... I fell down rollerblading in March, and I discovered 2 weeks ago, I've been walking around with a compression fracture in one of my vertebrae for 3 months, and did not know it!
He brags to his friends about our relationship. He says that what he has, "doesn't get any better than this." I finally have a man in my life who respects me and values my opinions, rather than putting me down. If only he didn't drink...he'd be the PERFECT man. Of course, then his perfection would probably tear a hole in the existential fabric of the universe and everything as we know it would be sucked into some cosmic oblivion. I don't know. But I love him to pieces, he loves me, and he tries to be good to me.
It still doesn't change the fact that I would be over the moon if he stopped drinking.
I can't attend Al-Anon meetings right now. My daughter is a verbally precocious four-year-old who will repeat almost anything she overhears. (Her latest gem..."Daddy likes to pee in the snow." Don't ask me WHY she said this, in June. Even in Michigan, we don't get snow in June.)
Right now everything appears to be normal and copacetic with my sweetie. He spent the night with me last night, and I'm pretty sure he did not drink before he came over. Either that, or he had MUCH less than his usual. (Sometimes I can actually smell the alcohol coming out of his pores, especially if he has had a lot of whiskey in particular.) He was great to me.
I don't want to endlessly rehash with him what went on last weekend, so after telling him earlier this week that I'm not going to put up with that garbage, I have dropped it. Until/unless it happens again, of course.
In many ways, he and I are opposite sides of the same coin. While I have never in my life been purposely self-destructive, as he has, we have had many parallel experiences (including eerie similarities in our ex-spouses/bad marriages). I am not a substance abuser, but I could easily have gone in that direction. I am bipolar. (I'm currently stable, but off medications--with the blessing of my doctor, who I see monthly.) When I've been on manic "highs" in the past, I've done some rather embarassing things.
I enjoy an occasional glass of wine with a meal, or a cocktail, and after living in Paris for 5 months as an exchange student in college, I find that ritual very civilized. But if it's just me at home, or just me and my daughter, I won't bother cracking open a bottle of something. To me, it's more of a social/special occasion thing. And before I began dating my BF, I didn't even need one hand to count the number of times in the previous 5 years I had had an alcoholic beverage. It's just not a big deal to me... So I guess the natural question is, should I stop enjoying an occasional drink? On the one hand, being his drinking buddy or condoning the behavior might be enabling him. On the other hand, I'm certain he will crack open the bottle of wine, whether I have some or not. So what's a girl to do?
I have never done illicit drugs, but as a chronic insomniac (due to bipolar disorder and interstitial cystitis) I often have to take sleeping medications. It's hard to fall asleep and stay asleep, when either your brain won't stop spinning, or you feel like you have to pee 5-10 times in one night. (Ladies, remember your pregnancies? That's what my life was like before the IC meds.)
I also have a problem overeating, so in some ways, I understand why an alcoholic "can't just stop" drinking. I mean...I know what I have to do to lose weight. I don't need to go on some wacky diet-du-jour. I just need to burn more calories than I take in, on a regular basis. I successfullly lost 75 pounds in 10 months, once, on an organized diet program. Then I gained 50 pounds during my pregnancy. Now, I am a stress eater. And the worst times for me are after my daughter goes to bed. It's like a switch clicks on in my brain, and I just start eating anything that isn't nailed down--even things *I DON'T LIKE*! LOL. (I am on my 5th day of NOT eating after dinner now. Staying away from the futon and the TV set seems to be helping.) Yet, overall, I have failed miserably at "just not eating" too much. So I think I do "get it" as far as what's going on. Binge drinking or overeating, or whatever vice one cares to name, are compulsive behaviors. If they are not recognized as such, if the underlying cause is not addressed, if steps are not taken to replace them with healthier behaviors, and if the person (ultimately) does not find healthier coping mechanisms, they will flourish, thrive, and grow...
For me, the healthier behavior this week has involved hiding in my basement. Right now I'm on the computer, but I've also gotten my basement cleaner than it has ever been over the past week!
My boyfriend does a lot of wonderful things for me, and treats me very well, emotionally, most of the time. In the past 2 months, he had a family member fix my van for free (after one repair shop gave me an estimate of nearly $800), installed a garbage disposal, built and mounted a tire swing for my daughter in the backyard, painted my daughter's bedroom, fixed my mountain bike...and probably a few other things I've forgotten. He's very much a "doer," and by that I mean, he's less likely to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, than he is to show how much he cares by doing something that helps me out. (That's fine by me. My ex-husband would say "I love you" 500 times a day, but was as lazy as the day is long.) My boyfriend has a key to my flat, and sometimes I have come home to milk and fresh produce that has mysteriously materialized in my refrigerator. (He knows that money is tight for me, and for awhile I was getting a lot of groceries from a food bank.) When we went out to a wedding on Memorial Day weekend, he bought me a dress because he knew I couldn't afford to buy an evening gown for myself. He paid for my x-rays, when he referred me to his chiropractor for my back pain... I fell down rollerblading in March, and I discovered 2 weeks ago, I've been walking around with a compression fracture in one of my vertebrae for 3 months, and did not know it!
He brags to his friends about our relationship. He says that what he has, "doesn't get any better than this." I finally have a man in my life who respects me and values my opinions, rather than putting me down. If only he didn't drink...he'd be the PERFECT man. Of course, then his perfection would probably tear a hole in the existential fabric of the universe and everything as we know it would be sucked into some cosmic oblivion. I don't know. But I love him to pieces, he loves me, and he tries to be good to me.
It still doesn't change the fact that I would be over the moon if he stopped drinking.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
98%
Originally Posted by citygirl3
...I would say about 98% of the time, he makes me feel great. It's just once or twice a year, that he does or says something to **** me off, and make me wonder, what am I doing?...
Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-09-2007 at 01:11 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
welcome citygirl -please excuse some of my honestly and bluntness here, but it comes from my own experience - the thought process that i am hearing here is the same thought process i had when i got involved with ah. i hear a lot of justification. i hear someone who seems to me to feel like because they have their "own problems" or because whatever has happened to them in life has decided that they are not worthy of more.
bottom line hon, is this acceptable to you? eventually, the "but" and "if only" 's of of he's a good guy, have become too much for me to ignore.
is this acceptable for your daughter? is this what you would want for her in a man? what would you tell her to do in your situation?
you have a say in what you decide for yourself -absolutely right!-but remember that your daughter does not have a say in this. you set the example of what a woman should want for herself. you show her self worth and value.
the thought process you described convinced me to marry my ah and seven years of my life have been given to this disease. what was once acceptable to me has become unacceptable.
i have done some very deep self exploration and now realize how i ended up here. it comes down to one word -settling. i'm not willing to do that anymore. now the tricky part -getting out of it-cause the longer and more you allow this in your life and the more you accept the harder it is to get out.
obviously, you are the only one that can judge for yourself and the only one that can honestly answer these questions for yourself.
bottom line hon, is this acceptable to you? eventually, the "but" and "if only" 's of of he's a good guy, have become too much for me to ignore.
is this acceptable for your daughter? is this what you would want for her in a man? what would you tell her to do in your situation?
you have a say in what you decide for yourself -absolutely right!-but remember that your daughter does not have a say in this. you set the example of what a woman should want for herself. you show her self worth and value.
the thought process you described convinced me to marry my ah and seven years of my life have been given to this disease. what was once acceptable to me has become unacceptable.
i have done some very deep self exploration and now realize how i ended up here. it comes down to one word -settling. i'm not willing to do that anymore. now the tricky part -getting out of it-cause the longer and more you allow this in your life and the more you accept the harder it is to get out.
obviously, you are the only one that can judge for yourself and the only one that can honestly answer these questions for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm intrigued. First, rather he is on good behavior whatever-percent of the time, he abuses alcohol and marijuana. So I'd like to know why, since you are independent and enjoy it that way, you'd choose someone who has an addiction problem.
I'm even more intrigued by your reason not to attend Al-anon: a precocious 4-year-old who would probably tell your boyfriend. You're an independent woman who enjoys her freedom. Why do you care what he thinks about your attending Al-anon? I'm not asking these questions to "test" you or to challenge you. I find your posts interesting, and I'd like to get to know more about you. I've heard plenty about the boyfriend.
I'm even more intrigued by your reason not to attend Al-anon: a precocious 4-year-old who would probably tell your boyfriend. You're an independent woman who enjoys her freedom. Why do you care what he thinks about your attending Al-anon? I'm not asking these questions to "test" you or to challenge you. I find your posts interesting, and I'd like to get to know more about you. I've heard plenty about the boyfriend.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I'm not quite sure of your concern. I've re-read your posts a couple of times to find the question you are trying to answer. Are you wondering if you should stay in this relationship or not?
If most everything is so great except the drinking part, can you accept that?
If most everything is so great except the drinking part, can you accept that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 8
<< is this acceptable for your daughter? is this what you would want for her in a man? >>
Except for the substance abuse, absolutely.
This man is solid, dependable, trustworthy, loyal, creative, resourceful, intelligent, streetwise...and so many other things.
I know this is going to sound demented, but meeting him has been in many ways the best thing that ever happened to me. (My daughter didn't "happen" to me; I had a hand in bringing her presence about.)
I am here because I *do* have an eye to the future. I'm in love, but I'm not blind.
My bf's relationship with my daughter is not paternal. Her relationship with him is more like the one that she has with her uncle--he's fun and he plays with her sometimes when he comes over, but she does not regard him as an authority figure. He's one of those people who kids just naturally gravitate to, and who can play with them easily. I have my daughter with me during the week, and one weekend a month. I spend most of my time with my boyfriend on weekends. He does come over one night during the week, but she's usually in bed by that time.
He does not babysit her, either, so he's not alone with her. That is my choice, BTW. My daughter's father and both sets of grandparents live within 10 miles of me, so there is no shortage of people who can watch her, if I need someone to do that.
My family has no idea that he even drinks at all.
I have told him that I will absolutely withdraw myself (and by extension my daughter) if he becomes abusive or disrespectful towards me. And nobody, but nobody...harms my kid. Frankly, though, my own abusive mother is far more of a threat to my daughter than my bf EVER will be. I watch her like a hawk, and I never leave her alone with my daughter. The woman can go from zero to stark-raving screaming lunatic in 60 seconds...and she has no substance abuse issues as an exucuse.
Except for the substance abuse, absolutely.
This man is solid, dependable, trustworthy, loyal, creative, resourceful, intelligent, streetwise...and so many other things.
I know this is going to sound demented, but meeting him has been in many ways the best thing that ever happened to me. (My daughter didn't "happen" to me; I had a hand in bringing her presence about.)
I am here because I *do* have an eye to the future. I'm in love, but I'm not blind.
My bf's relationship with my daughter is not paternal. Her relationship with him is more like the one that she has with her uncle--he's fun and he plays with her sometimes when he comes over, but she does not regard him as an authority figure. He's one of those people who kids just naturally gravitate to, and who can play with them easily. I have my daughter with me during the week, and one weekend a month. I spend most of my time with my boyfriend on weekends. He does come over one night during the week, but she's usually in bed by that time.
He does not babysit her, either, so he's not alone with her. That is my choice, BTW. My daughter's father and both sets of grandparents live within 10 miles of me, so there is no shortage of people who can watch her, if I need someone to do that.
My family has no idea that he even drinks at all.
I have told him that I will absolutely withdraw myself (and by extension my daughter) if he becomes abusive or disrespectful towards me. And nobody, but nobody...harms my kid. Frankly, though, my own abusive mother is far more of a threat to my daughter than my bf EVER will be. I watch her like a hawk, and I never leave her alone with my daughter. The woman can go from zero to stark-raving screaming lunatic in 60 seconds...and she has no substance abuse issues as an exucuse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 8
I'm not worried about my boyfriend being upset that I'm attending Al-Anon.
I'm worried about my daughter's father finding out that I'm attending Al-Anon.
And, frankly, grown-up business is grown-up business. I'd no sooner take her to an Al-Anon meeting than I would take her to the support group I attend for childhood abuse survivors on the Saturday mornings when she's not with me. It's simply not appropriate.
I'm worried about my daughter's father finding out that I'm attending Al-Anon.
And, frankly, grown-up business is grown-up business. I'd no sooner take her to an Al-Anon meeting than I would take her to the support group I attend for childhood abuse survivors on the Saturday mornings when she's not with me. It's simply not appropriate.
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