HKAngel24

I feel so stupid and weak.
I am a mess right now and am not sure what else to do but post.

Abf called from a pay phone- no $ to pay his cell bill- clearly we know where it's going.
I reacted- started getting all tense and did not say many things assertive. I did not have the gall to tell him point blank how deeply hurt, angry and resentful I am and tell him I deserve better in my life and that trust cannot be restored. No. I fell back into giving him power over my emotions and feelings.
I wish I would have been stronger.
I still don't feel I have the courage to stop it or put an end to it.
And I STILL feel scared saying anything assertive.
I deserve to own my feelings.
I deserve to own my feelings.
I have to keep saying this to myself.
Any normal person with any self-respect would just say "it's a wrap."
That's it and be done.
My weak actions cause me to feel crappy afterwards.
He gave me the same song and dance- "I'm doing 90 meetings in 90 days and trying to get a sponsor."
Quack.Quack.Quack.
But I found myself STILL wanting to believe him.
Haven't I had enough already?

maddie82

I know how you feel...my abf just ran out the door and told me if I wanted to find him I should call the hospitals because that's where he'd be. He says he's going to go use and probably overdose b/c I didn't feel like talking to him right then when he was upset. Ive been trying to talk to him for 5 days and he's been too high to understand and now I'm just so tired. Last night I told him he couldn't live with me anymore. He seemed apologetic, acted like he understood. He called a friend of his who lives and works in an NA house down in Florida and asked if he could go down there and live there if he detoxed first. He e-mailed them all of his information but when they called him today to talk about coming his phone was off so he missed it. He made an appointment last night to talk to an army recruiter today about whether they would take him (I know, Im sure the army loves heroin addicts...) but he spent so much time today trying to score that he missed the appointment. He's supposed to go tomorrow but why will that be any different?
I know I need to set boundaries, I can't just tell him he has to move I have to tell him when. It's just so hard. Now I'm sitting here fighting the urge to run around the city looking for him and texting him begging not to overdose. Im trying to just let what's going to happen, happen. Its just so hard

hope213

it takes some of us longer than other to "get it". don't beat yourself up just read,read & read &then pratice it..you & him both continue to be in my prayers, hope

cinderellawkids

honey sometimes it takes completely losing ourselves and awful physical effects for us to truly change our reactions. I wish I could offer more, but thats the sad hard truth of it. When youve had so much enough that you hide when the phone rings and dont ever answer it, it begins to help and you begin to grow. After years of hearing the same song and dance it starts to sound no different than Im hungry, Im gonna get something to eat. When my husband calls, if I answer, sometimes all I can say is yes dear and when the call is over so are my thoughts, other days its not that simple. You believe because you truly want to believe. You believe because in the moment he's being honest adn you hope with all your soul he'll stick to it

raerae6

It took me soooo long to stop taking him back and getting played over and over...

I wish I would have read that codependent book or found a website like this a lot sooner. it would have really helped me.

I still struggle, but sometimes it seems like encouraging other people in similar circumstances helps strengthen my resolve. So does anger...lots of anger...(LOL)

Hang in there ladies...it might take a while-but you can do it1

sun daisy

Just take baby steps until you feel comfortable saying No. It gets a little easier each time. Sometimes you go back 2 steps and beat yourselft and since we are all tough- we just keep on doing what we feel is right for us. Hang in there.

Elana

Had a dream last night where XABF asked t come back. Soulful eyes and the whole thing. I told him, "You are kidding, right? No Way!" I am even telling him NO in my dreams.

Heather, I pray you will be there soon.. for yourself.
He is using and going down by his actions. Don't let him take you down too.

greeteachday

Recovery really is ongoing...please don't beat yourself up when it doesn't happen overnight. You are taking little steps that all add up. We can only do what we are able to do...Keep focusing on you and in time you will find the strength to love yourself enough to do what you want to do for you. I find face to face meetings and lots of recovery reading help me so much in rebuilding self esteem and in growing in self knowledge and self caring. Hugs.

marle

As one who had a slip just the other day, I can tell you that recovery is not a straight path to happiness and bliss. You just need to keep trying. If all you can do right now is just maintain, that is okay too. Someday as you get stronger, you will do what you need to do. Don't feel bad, just pick yourself up and start again. Hugs, Marle

Ladybugg

You aren't stupid...you are just doing what ALL of us have done. We just have to keep moving forward and keep working on us. Soon you will start to realize what triggers YOU and what makes YOU feel like crap. Then you can start to figure out what to do and how to handle the situations. He is either going to get it together or not...but you still have a right to feel good. I know that is easy to say but if you keep saying it and believing it, it will happen.

mooselips

HKAngel24,
No No NO not stupid.
It's a program of progress, not perfection.

You identified what you should have done, and how you want feel, so give yourself credit for what you have identified.

Next time, you'll be a little stronger, and you'll have more tools in your toolbox, and it will be easier for you.


Hugs,

CatsPajamas

One Day at a time
Progress Not Perfection
Just for Today
How Important is it?
Do the Next Right Thing
This too Shall Pass

The slogans make sense. They were written a LONG time ago by people who have been where you are. Many of us have been there. You aren't stupid. You aren't weak. You're someone who loves an addict.

parentrecovers

hugs to you, k