I didn't cave....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
I didn't cave....
Last night I went to see my husband perform in a play he's in at our local theater.
I had had a rough day-the craving was awful and by 5pm last night my body was screaming for a drink.I was feeling pretty desperate and even got in my car-drove up the road, drove past the wine shop then proceeded to burst into tears(I hate being so emotional-I am not a crier usually) and just prayed for help. By some superpower-I found myself driving back home(I'm guessing this could only be God)and by the time I walked back inside I wasn't sad anymore-I was incredibly angry.Angry that I can't drink, angry that I feel so weak and, well-just angry at the whole freakin world for no particular reason.(such adult behavior-I know-lol)
I got busy-prepared dinner-and thought-screw it-at the play tonight they have a bar-if I'm still feeling like this to hell with it-I'll have a glass of wine.
You would think that this thought would start to appease my anger-but oh no-it made it worse.There ensued the huge argument in my mind between my sober self and my alcoholic self-:
'You have 12 days sober you moron-what are you thinking?'
'Too damn bad-most of them have been a battle-I'm tired of this s***.I'm tired of fighting.'
'You know if you have 1 you won't stop.'
'I don't f***** care.I'm miserable-it'll make me feel better for a while and hell-maybe I can just drink in the evenings again.'
'No-you can't.You KNOW you can't.You're going to let one bad day rob you of all you'd earned these past 12 days?'
'What have I earned exactly? Let me see-struggling through nearly every day, barely hanging on-desperate for a drink...yadda yadda yadda' (can you say 'spoilt brat'? lol-my alcoholic mind is such a drama queen)
Anyway-you know the story.On and on it went.
I get to the theater at 7.45.The play starts at 8pm.I walk down the stairs into the foyer and know I can choose to go into the bar area and get a drink-or not.I walk into the bar area, see all the glasses lined up on a table and something in me just said 'NO'.No-you don't want this.You don't need it either.This is poison to you.Go enjoy the play sober.You can do this.You can.You can....
And before I knew it-I was sitting in my seat and amazingly enough-feeling like I'd achieved something.I felt good.I felt peaceful.I even felt like I'd won.
The woman sitting next to me was drinking a glass of red wine(you can take your drinks in to the theater) and while I noticed it-I didn't obsess.I just thought-well-good for her.I don't want it anyway.And by then-I really didn't.
I just enjoyed the show-I got so involved in the play I didn't think once about drinking-or 'what I might be missing out on' and it was simply a pleasure to be so focused on what was happening in front of me.Even better was being able to remember it all later and chat with my husband about various parts of the play and what we thought.
I woke up this morning and still feel that sense of peace.I recalled driving up to the wine shop yesterday-and I still don't fully remember driving back home-but I just know I was being guided by something much bigger than me.I can't explain it-I just feel it.
Sorry if this is a rambling boring post.I just wanted to share.
Day 13 and for once-13 is a postive number(for me, anyway!)
Love,
Rosexox
I had had a rough day-the craving was awful and by 5pm last night my body was screaming for a drink.I was feeling pretty desperate and even got in my car-drove up the road, drove past the wine shop then proceeded to burst into tears(I hate being so emotional-I am not a crier usually) and just prayed for help. By some superpower-I found myself driving back home(I'm guessing this could only be God)and by the time I walked back inside I wasn't sad anymore-I was incredibly angry.Angry that I can't drink, angry that I feel so weak and, well-just angry at the whole freakin world for no particular reason.(such adult behavior-I know-lol)
I got busy-prepared dinner-and thought-screw it-at the play tonight they have a bar-if I'm still feeling like this to hell with it-I'll have a glass of wine.
You would think that this thought would start to appease my anger-but oh no-it made it worse.There ensued the huge argument in my mind between my sober self and my alcoholic self-:
'You have 12 days sober you moron-what are you thinking?'
'Too damn bad-most of them have been a battle-I'm tired of this s***.I'm tired of fighting.'
'You know if you have 1 you won't stop.'
'I don't f***** care.I'm miserable-it'll make me feel better for a while and hell-maybe I can just drink in the evenings again.'
'No-you can't.You KNOW you can't.You're going to let one bad day rob you of all you'd earned these past 12 days?'
'What have I earned exactly? Let me see-struggling through nearly every day, barely hanging on-desperate for a drink...yadda yadda yadda' (can you say 'spoilt brat'? lol-my alcoholic mind is such a drama queen)
Anyway-you know the story.On and on it went.
I get to the theater at 7.45.The play starts at 8pm.I walk down the stairs into the foyer and know I can choose to go into the bar area and get a drink-or not.I walk into the bar area, see all the glasses lined up on a table and something in me just said 'NO'.No-you don't want this.You don't need it either.This is poison to you.Go enjoy the play sober.You can do this.You can.You can....
And before I knew it-I was sitting in my seat and amazingly enough-feeling like I'd achieved something.I felt good.I felt peaceful.I even felt like I'd won.
The woman sitting next to me was drinking a glass of red wine(you can take your drinks in to the theater) and while I noticed it-I didn't obsess.I just thought-well-good for her.I don't want it anyway.And by then-I really didn't.
I just enjoyed the show-I got so involved in the play I didn't think once about drinking-or 'what I might be missing out on' and it was simply a pleasure to be so focused on what was happening in front of me.Even better was being able to remember it all later and chat with my husband about various parts of the play and what we thought.
I woke up this morning and still feel that sense of peace.I recalled driving up to the wine shop yesterday-and I still don't fully remember driving back home-but I just know I was being guided by something much bigger than me.I can't explain it-I just feel it.
Sorry if this is a rambling boring post.I just wanted to share.
Day 13 and for once-13 is a postive number(for me, anyway!)
Love,
Rosexox
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hugs....
When seeing another with a wine glass...
I used to pretend red wine was blood
white was animal ****.
I knew that I did not want to drink e either!
Forward we go....
When seeing another with a wine glass...
I used to pretend red wine was blood
white was animal ****.
I knew that I did not want to drink e either!
Forward we go....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Thank you all for your encouragement.Carol-you make me laugh!(great way to think of wine though!)
Yep!It's a big fat liar is what it is!
Thanks everyone-your support means so much to me every day.
Rosexox
You know your addict 'voice' for what it is and that is a huge thing
Thanks everyone-your support means so much to me every day.
Rosexox
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: long island,ny
Posts: 190
a pat on the back for Rose
way to go,Rose! And it is true,everytime you choose to stay sober you get stronger and stronger.And,it'll get easier to make that choice.....you should be very proud of yourself....KT
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
Originally Posted by Rose62 
Sorry if this is a rambling boring post.I just wanted to share.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Rose...
There is a story in the Big Book of AA that is exactly like yours!
"Something bigger than me"...
Congrats on your triumph and thanks to the "Something Bigger"..
Love and prayers,
Sherry
There is a story in the Big Book of AA that is exactly like yours!
"Something bigger than me"...
Congrats on your triumph and thanks to the "Something Bigger"..
Love and prayers,
Sherry
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Gisborne New Zealand
Posts: 539
yay Rose so very very proud of you :0)
Yup that dam alcohol voice was horrible and I still get a voice somethimes but somehow maybe its god talking or a higher power whatever it is it says you can overcome it you WILL get through it. yeah I still get hacked off at the thought of me not sitting down and being a good poppet and having just one or two it will never be me. hehe for a treat Ive got sky back that is my treat and you should see me now!! poor hubby have I got a holy than tho attitude to his smoking I tsk tsk all time heck I GAVE UP SOMETHING I THOUGHT I LOVED so Im being a meanie about his smoking. take care Rose and you have a awesome way with words loved ya post.
Ang
Yup that dam alcohol voice was horrible and I still get a voice somethimes but somehow maybe its god talking or a higher power whatever it is it says you can overcome it you WILL get through it. yeah I still get hacked off at the thought of me not sitting down and being a good poppet and having just one or two it will never be me. hehe for a treat Ive got sky back that is my treat and you should see me now!! poor hubby have I got a holy than tho attitude to his smoking I tsk tsk all time heck I GAVE UP SOMETHING I THOUGHT I LOVED so Im being a meanie about his smoking. take care Rose and you have a awesome way with words loved ya post.
Ang
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: MN
Posts: 65
Rose... WTG! thanks for sharing. It was inspiring for me to hear how you worked through the cravings. helps me to realize I can work through them too ... all the time, not just some of the time..... w/the help of my HP.
I'm proud of you, Chica!
I'm proud of you, Chica!
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