My Husband Just Admitted To Doing Crack
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 2
My Husband Just Admitted To Doing Crack
I need some help here. My husband just recently told me that he had been lying to me for the last two years about doing Crack and telling me where he was late at night. He would use the excuse that he was working late or at his brothers house or his car broke down etc. he had an excuse for everytime he dind't come home and all of them were lies. I don't think that he would of told me if I hadn't of caught him the other night. He says he made all of these lies up the other night so he would get caught because he says he was tired of all the lies and wanted help. I have recently have kicked him out of the house because I feel so betrayed and hurt and I honestly I can say that it makes me sick to look at his face. I am a person who holds a grudge and am not the person who forgives and forgets. He says in order for him to get the best help and to stay away from this stuff is to be with his family and to go to counseling. He says he wants to move on and it's not worth getting a divorce over but I have mixed feelings. He doesn't want to talk about it because he said he was done with it and wanted to start the healing process but I feel that Ihave so many questions for him and he says he will only get better if he doesn't think about it and re-hash everything. I feel that I can never trust him again becaused I feel so betrayed and hurt. Got any suggestions for coping?
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Confused, I am not to sure what to say to help you cope. Maybe just focusing on you and what you want out of a relationship. My boyfriend is a crack addict and we have a child together its so hard and at times I lost my self to his addiction. Only now after three years of dealing with him getting clean, relapse, drug rehabs that I am finally learning about me and focusing on me, and my home.
Welcome to SR, we are a family here with so much support to offer. Take a look at the stickys, and all out threads.
Hugs,
Jewel
Welcome to SR, we are a family here with so much support to offer. Take a look at the stickys, and all out threads.
Hugs,
Jewel
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with jewelz, we really are a family here, glad you joined us. the addict in my life is my ah and he has been doing some of the same things with the same excuses as yours, i pray that he really is wanting help, but whether he gets it or not does not depend on whether or not you decide to stay with him. if he really wants help, he'll seek it out, with or without you. i know because i'm a recovering crack addict too. sorry that you are going through this, i will pray for you and yours.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Hi, welcome, sorry you are facing this situation.
It is my experience with my heroin/cocaine addicted husband is that when he wanted to "leave it behind and move on" he was not willing to recover at that time. There is no running away from addiction. It is very cunning and will overtake you when you least expect it. It's great that your AH wants counseling but believe me when I say that if he really wants to get clean, he CAN do it with or WITHOUT you there. The stuff about needing family is a line of BS...sure it helps to have support but places like NA or AA give that type of support too.
You are faced with a long hard road. You are probably feeling betrayed and yet hopeful that he is finally being truthful, angry but sad that he's not around, hateful yet loving the good side of him....I understand. I would advise you to seek counseling for yourself, separately, because the type of lies and chaos you've been dealing with are very hurtful and take time to heal. Also, AlAnon or NarAnon are places where you can vent your hurt anger and frustration to people who really understand. when I first found out about my AH's addiction I did not want to go to meetings because I did not feel I was the one with the problem. But I came to realize I had many problems, some stemming from his drug use, others not, that I needed support to deal with.
There is a good book called Co-Dependent No More out there and lots of love and support here. You made a great first step by signing up for this board! Keep posting and know we are here for you.
It is my experience with my heroin/cocaine addicted husband is that when he wanted to "leave it behind and move on" he was not willing to recover at that time. There is no running away from addiction. It is very cunning and will overtake you when you least expect it. It's great that your AH wants counseling but believe me when I say that if he really wants to get clean, he CAN do it with or WITHOUT you there. The stuff about needing family is a line of BS...sure it helps to have support but places like NA or AA give that type of support too.
You are faced with a long hard road. You are probably feeling betrayed and yet hopeful that he is finally being truthful, angry but sad that he's not around, hateful yet loving the good side of him....I understand. I would advise you to seek counseling for yourself, separately, because the type of lies and chaos you've been dealing with are very hurtful and take time to heal. Also, AlAnon or NarAnon are places where you can vent your hurt anger and frustration to people who really understand. when I first found out about my AH's addiction I did not want to go to meetings because I did not feel I was the one with the problem. But I came to realize I had many problems, some stemming from his drug use, others not, that I needed support to deal with.
There is a good book called Co-Dependent No More out there and lots of love and support here. You made a great first step by signing up for this board! Keep posting and know we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hello, welcome to SR! I spent some years living with a crack addict and I can understand how betrayed you feel.
The best suggestion I can give is to get the book, "codependent No More" by melody Beattie. It is a classic and has been reprinted many times. It was a real eye-opener and turning point for me when I read it . It literally changed my life!!! That is probably the best resource around for the situation you are in. Al-anon meetings are good too everyone says. I have been meaning to go but haven't yet.
If you go over to the 'friends and family of alcoholics' section in this website and look at the threads at the top there is one that tells about what happens at an al-anon meeting.
There is also a meeting for friends and family of Cocaine users, too. They have a website which is VERY good and they tell you where meetings are in your area. the website itself has some very useful information.
I am glad to hear that you kicked him out because babying the addict is probably the worst thing one can do, it just enables them to try and get away with more.
I am glad to hear also that he admits he has a problem, that is the first step, now it is real important that he follow through with it. That he gets a chemical dependency screening and recommendations for a treatment program.
If you don't know where to do this, call the United Way-they can find a place for him.
This news must have been a real blow to you. I'm so sorry you had to hear this, but at least he told you.
I would suggest that you also look into your credit card charges and just shared finances in general, because crack is an expensive habit and addicts often go to extremes to get it.
Stay strong and come back here and let us know how things are going.
The best suggestion I can give is to get the book, "codependent No More" by melody Beattie. It is a classic and has been reprinted many times. It was a real eye-opener and turning point for me when I read it . It literally changed my life!!! That is probably the best resource around for the situation you are in. Al-anon meetings are good too everyone says. I have been meaning to go but haven't yet.
If you go over to the 'friends and family of alcoholics' section in this website and look at the threads at the top there is one that tells about what happens at an al-anon meeting.
There is also a meeting for friends and family of Cocaine users, too. They have a website which is VERY good and they tell you where meetings are in your area. the website itself has some very useful information.
I am glad to hear that you kicked him out because babying the addict is probably the worst thing one can do, it just enables them to try and get away with more.
I am glad to hear also that he admits he has a problem, that is the first step, now it is real important that he follow through with it. That he gets a chemical dependency screening and recommendations for a treatment program.
If you don't know where to do this, call the United Way-they can find a place for him.
This news must have been a real blow to you. I'm so sorry you had to hear this, but at least he told you.
I would suggest that you also look into your credit card charges and just shared finances in general, because crack is an expensive habit and addicts often go to extremes to get it.
Stay strong and come back here and let us know how things are going.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
hi confused, lots of good advice above so i just wanted to say welcome. you will find lots of great support here. i recommend learning all you can about addiction, keep posting here and try to get a naranon or alanon meeting. the addict in my life is also my husband is drug of choice is also crack. i'm very sorry for what you're going through, stay strong and keep coming back here.
Lost-n-Found
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Cairo
Posts: 923
Hey,
Your husband is a man with a disease called addiction which alters his character and makes him do terrible things. Sober, he will probably not do these things. That was my case. Give him a chance sober if your marriage means anything to you. Without forgiveness our world would not exist. Have mercy.
Your husband is a man with a disease called addiction which alters his character and makes him do terrible things. Sober, he will probably not do these things. That was my case. Give him a chance sober if your marriage means anything to you. Without forgiveness our world would not exist. Have mercy.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
Hi Confused, and welcome to Sober Recovery. Please read the sticky posts at the beginning of the forum, and the ones at the beginning of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum - they are filled with valuable information.
I understand the feelings you have about all the lies, and feeling betrayed. I also understand the mixed feelings you have. One of the important things I've learned here and in face to face meetings is that I don't have to make a decision the moment I find out about something. Neither do you.
Please know that it's okay to take your time to be sure of what you want, and how you want to handle the situation you're now faced with. You CAN take the time to be sure about everything - whether it's divorce, giving him a chance, taking the time to see if he's going to actually do something to change his part in this situation, or anything else. The end result of taking the time to be sure is that your decision will be the one that is right for you. No one else knows what that is, and no one else can decide for you what you should do.
Please stick around, you'll find that there are a lot of people here that have dealt with similar stuff, and truly understand the emotions that you're feeling right now.
I understand the feelings you have about all the lies, and feeling betrayed. I also understand the mixed feelings you have. One of the important things I've learned here and in face to face meetings is that I don't have to make a decision the moment I find out about something. Neither do you.
Please know that it's okay to take your time to be sure of what you want, and how you want to handle the situation you're now faced with. You CAN take the time to be sure about everything - whether it's divorce, giving him a chance, taking the time to see if he's going to actually do something to change his part in this situation, or anything else. The end result of taking the time to be sure is that your decision will be the one that is right for you. No one else knows what that is, and no one else can decide for you what you should do.
Please stick around, you'll find that there are a lot of people here that have dealt with similar stuff, and truly understand the emotions that you're feeling right now.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Have you attended any open AA meetings? Some of the open meetings are also "speaker" meetings. At those, recovering addicts/alcoholics talk about what got them to AA, and how things are in their lives today.
When *I* go, I hear lots of gratitude to the wife, the mother, the girlfriend and the friends who finally said "no" and meant it.
I vote with giving him time to show by ACTIONS what he is blabbing with his WORDS.
You know addicts lie. They will never use again. They will quit for "us". They went exactly where they said they were going. They weren't late, you misunderstood the time. No, you didn't give me 30 dollars yesterday, that was last week!
Did you know we codies lie, too? This time it's for good. You can never come back. I will not take your calls. I will never give you money again. You will never drive my car again. I will never believe you again.
We are very much alike in many, many ways. Once you've checked out a few open AA or open NA meetings... why not do like the others suggest and try about 6 Alanon or Naranon meetings?
That grudge you are holding is going to start weighing on ya... and the pain it will cause won't hurt him... at all.
I wish you well.
When *I* go, I hear lots of gratitude to the wife, the mother, the girlfriend and the friends who finally said "no" and meant it.
I vote with giving him time to show by ACTIONS what he is blabbing with his WORDS.
You know addicts lie. They will never use again. They will quit for "us". They went exactly where they said they were going. They weren't late, you misunderstood the time. No, you didn't give me 30 dollars yesterday, that was last week!
Did you know we codies lie, too? This time it's for good. You can never come back. I will not take your calls. I will never give you money again. You will never drive my car again. I will never believe you again.
We are very much alike in many, many ways. Once you've checked out a few open AA or open NA meetings... why not do like the others suggest and try about 6 Alanon or Naranon meetings?
That grudge you are holding is going to start weighing on ya... and the pain it will cause won't hurt him... at all.
I wish you well.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, confused. you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. take care of yourself by getting to alanon or naranon face to face meetings. and keep posting! blessings, k
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((confused1977))))
Welcome! I kinda don't blame you for holding a grudge...yea he is most probably sick...you can forgive him without having to let him back in.
I have dealt with crack addicts for a long time now I live with one and have 3 siblings who do crack too. I have found that relaps is highly likely. If you want that out of your life no one here will put you down for it.
In my opinion this quote above indicates he is full of BS....and I don't blame you one bit for not trusting him go with that feeling....
Welcome! I kinda don't blame you for holding a grudge...yea he is most probably sick...you can forgive him without having to let him back in.
I have dealt with crack addicts for a long time now I live with one and have 3 siblings who do crack too. I have found that relaps is highly likely. If you want that out of your life no one here will put you down for it.
Originally Posted by confused1977
He doesn't want to talk about it because he said he was done with it and wanted to start the healing process but I feel that Ihave so many questions for him and he says he will only get better if he doesn't think about it and re-hash everything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
Originally Posted by confused1977 
How could I missed the signs that he was using especially for 2 years?
because addicts are very good liars and manipulators. especially when its someone like our husbands who we are supposed to trust and believe. don't be too hard on yourself. i too missed all the signs even when they were staring me in the face for almost 2 full years while me and rah were dating. it happens. but now you know whats going on and you can educate yourself so that you can protect yourself.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
How to cope:
Read the Stickies at the top of the forum
Get to meetings.
Read "coDependent No More."
Decide what you can tolerate in your life and what you cannot. That will allow you to decide your coping mechanism and what you will do.
Read the Stickies at the top of the forum
Get to meetings.
Read "coDependent No More."
Decide what you can tolerate in your life and what you cannot. That will allow you to decide your coping mechanism and what you will do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
i agree with the others. youve made a good start comming here, but you should try some meetings, to learn about you and your life with an addict. my addict is my 20yo son. hes not even saying he wants help now, but hes done it before just to get me to give in to what he wants. they're very resourceful about using you to get their way. meetings and places like this help you to learn how to ride the rollercoaster and may even help you get off.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by confused1977
How could I missed the signs that he was using especially for 2 years?
When he was out all night that was a sign that something was wrong. Maybe you just thought you could trust him so you never were suspicous? I used to be very trusting, but living with an addict changed all that.
Last edited by raerae6; 06-07-2007 at 04:13 PM.
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