CE Girl

Ok, so I want to hear from A’s as well as codies on this one,,,

My A was interviewing for a job over a month ago. We had not seen nor talked on the phone with each other for over 2 months. We were however, doing the email Codie/Alkie Dance

At one point, because of the interview process, my A was practicing “sobriety”. Although since then he has continued his downward spiral.

During that time, he was also having financial difficulties and is about to lose his vehicle, which he would need to get to the new job. I offered as a friend, to let him use one of my vehicles, until he got on his feet. With one stipulation, no drinking.

In the time since I sent that email and now, I have continued to actively work my program and am now at the point of total disengagement. I am moving on.

Today, he sends a reply to my original email with the offer and asks for my help. He expects to get the offer this week. And oh by the way, can I still help!! This after, over 50 emails this past weekend talking alkie NONSENSE and berating, downgrading and other wise trying to verbally abuse me through email (sic) By the way I did not respond to ANY of them. This thread is not about that however

This is one of the most FRUSTRATING aspects I've had in dealing with my A. The "landscape" of our relations was constantly changing, nothing consistent. When I would say something or make plans one week, usually his drinking severely interfered so they could not be brought to fruition. Part of that familiar roller coaster. If we happened to be on the “upswing” our plans would go forward. If it was a bad binge, the plans would go to pot. In almost EVERY case, I would be to blame. He would accuse me of not following through with what I said,
I want to know 2 things:

1. What the hell is going through his mind!!!
He admitted he “drank on sat cause my ex was making me crazy” but
nothing about all them emails. By the way, I forwarded them ALL to his
work email, no reply in them, just wanted him to come to work and see
what I had to face on Monday).
2. Why do I feel like I’m reneging on a promise?
The “landscape” has changed, as I mentioned and right now, I know
what’s good for me is to continue to stay FAR, FAR away,,,,Perhaps
it’s the “conditioning” of my time with him that makes me feel that
way. All I know is I am a woman of my word, and I have a hard time
reconciling this isn’t a “normal” relationship where both party’s do what
was agreed upon...

I am beyond getting all caught up in my codieism and feeling guilty because I made an offer that has now changed because of his actions. I put the responsibility where it belongs. But I have always had a hard time reconciling this type of situation because my core is a “woman of my word”.

I also really want to know, what the A is thinking after causing so much destruction, burning bridges and comes back asking for help like nothing ever happened?

Peace

chero

BRAVO!!!

What is the A thinking??? Is there a real answer to this question?? What are they thinking??? Selfish thoughts I'm sure!!!

Go back to your original statement...Don't get caught up in it!!

kermit

That's right Don't get caught up in it. He burned the bridges, no need to rebuild them. Stay strong!

Pick-a-name

haha....not funny,but I know what you mean.

"ISM"..I-SELF-ME.....an addict wants what he wants,when he wants it (don't we all ) and EXPECTS it,too! The reality is just a minor speed bump......especially regarding peoples' feeling,etc IMHO. I truly think they are so mixed up and used to fast-talking and avoiding their own self-made problems that after awhile they just fly by the seat-of-their pants to get along the easiest way they can think up at any given moment.

Not the same situation but my exAH said something to me this week that had me scratching my head....."why didn't I call him for a ride to take my car into the shop?" like he was hurt that I didn't "need" him. Ok; still weird dynamics of this all (we were together 30 yrs) but: HELLO! You just divorced me so you could be free to party and date and not be tied down,etc....he "has a life"! (I didn't say that to him; just said thanks and knew he was busy..)

They want their cake and to eat it,too. More importantly; they are not thinking in a rational manner....their brain is toxic,esp. in the area of reasoning and logic.

LaTeeDa

Even "women of their word" are allowed to change their minds. This was a hard one for me also. Because my husband was so good at throwing things I said back in my face--even years later. As long as you continue to agonize over this, you are still doing the dance. You are allowed to change your mind at any time and you are also allowed to do whatever is best for you at any time. You are also allowed to put yourself into a tailspin and get all wrapped up in his issues if that is what you choose to do...........

L

minnie

CEGirl - I only have a minute, but let me tell you a little story.

I lent my ex money of a long period of time. We had a written agreement for its repayment which was based on some future, guaranteed invoicing. He failed to pay (and in fact stole the invoice proceeds), so I issued court proceedings. I then had 18 months of (emotionally and financially) expensive legal wranglings. This was after almost a year of the kind of excessive email/texts etc that you are experiencing.

Whislt waiting for the paperwork from my lawyer when we eventually reached settlement, he emailed me to see if I would lend him $5000 based on (non-guaranteed) future invoicing, seeing that we were "now on speaking terms". I have no idea what he thought my response would be, but probably not the one he got, which was no response at all.

My ex has no concept of the effect his actions. I am nothing more than a bit part in the play of his life. Conscience and empathy do not figure in his vocab. If I ever retaliated in the same way to "make him see what it felt like", he would look at me like I was crazy and make no connection with his own behaviour. (He was right, btw, I WAS crazy)

Reneging on a promise? But he is drinking. So promise is void.

Pick-a-name

Well-said, Minnie!

GettingBy

As my sponsor always reminds me, the decision wasn't etched in stone, was it? If not, good news... you can change your mind!

Lending him a car seemed like a good idea at the time... it doesn't now, so politely inform him that the deal is off the table.

IMHO, being a "woman of your word" is ONLY applicable when you're dealing with "men/woman of THEIR word."

:-) Shannon

minnie

Oh, i should say that R's request for a loan was also a test - to see if I had changed or not.

I think it's clear that I have.....

CE Girl

I undestand completely and totally agree. I'm not getting all twisted up and codie about this, because I KNOW that I am not bound by that promise. In fact, I even go the step further and realize the promise was an extension of my disease. Getting caught up in the roller coaster ride at the time.

I truly posted this thread for ME. That in itself is BIG progress.

My word is truly my core. Oftentimes, I have nothing else to give. And yes, giving is part of my core too. However, I recogize when that can default to codieism and I am trying to define the difference in MY core. I don't want to run the risk of covering that up because of the crap I've been through. So, reconciling my "promise" with not being able to deliver is VERY important to me.

Do you think an A knows but instead chooses to avoid it?

In other words, he knows what he did, but ignores it cause it doesn't match his/her agenda? I can totally see this in this situation because he may get this job and now he's panicing bacause he has no way to get there. So, he thinks, I'll just pretend I didn't have to clean out 50 nonsense emails I wrote this weekend BEFORE i email her to ask for help?

I'm really having a hard time reconciling this? Frankly, it scares me he may be mentally disturbed,,,lol YIKES!!!

By the way, no response and NO CAR. I'm with you Min, my response is gonna be none at all. Let him continue laying in his own bed and living with the consequences of his actions

Peace

elizabeth1979

Im just curious, what are you gaining from staying in contact with him?
EMail is contact

CE Girl

My first thought to his question was "not a dam thing" E, but I have to be honest and say what I think.

I don't email him back. At least haven't in the last week. I did send him a response then, nothing changed, so I stopped again. Before that, it had been two weeks. Almost like the A, my attempts at email boundry has been sparodic at best, but each time I go back to not answering, it's longer and less hard then the time before.

You'd think he'd get bored, listening to himself type. And I only get mail while at work. i've tried the "rule" thing in outlook, but he changes his addy, I've asked IT if there was a way to block him, but unfortunatly, in my job, I have to allow access because our work force is national AND virtual. I have not spoken or seen him in a few months.

And you know what? As whacked as this might sound, I actually DO get something out of it,,oh my, what a good little CODIE I am,,LOL. Stopped me from typing it actually,,LMAO,,,Your so smart E,,,

I get VALIDATION that he's STILL a BIG DOPE.

DUH

I'm thinking I don't really NEED that from my A,,,oh brother, and I was such a work in progress,,,hahahahahhaha

Ok, I get it, time to STOP it all.

The delete key is accessable on ALL machines,,,,

i was actually thinking that this morning, on my ride in. I have to be done once and for all. then my thoughts went to SR. And all the posts I've read where so many of us struggle with that. I often think, we are too quick to advocate complete detachement through no contact. It simply doesn't "fit" all scenerios. Or personality's.

I understand the need to focus on oneself and remove the toxicity that affects you. But its sorta like watching a movie, how do you know how it will play out? do you really have to have completly no contact with someone in order to move forward yourself?

I know, not on this thread topic, but I think its a valid question.

Peace

denny57

There's no way to know what any other person is thinking, alcoholic or not. At this point, I'd be thinking about changing my email address or blocking emails from him.

Pick-a-name

Who knows what they think...probably changes like the weather.....

I guess we/I can't blame them for trying....it seems to have worked in the past. (That's MY part in this). What HAS changed is my/your reaction. That's a good thing.

It's a process but sounds like you are doing just fine...even if your feelings haven't caught up to it feeling "natural" yet.

atalose

[QUOTE=CE I offered as a friend, to let him use one of my vehicles, until he got on his feet. With one stipulation, no drinking[/QUOTE]

You are a woman of your word, he drank end of story!!!!!!

Either way you know you are going to be blamed, lend him the car so he can drink and you take it back and it's your fault he can't get to work. Don't give him the car in the first place because he's drinking and it's your fault he can't get to work.

Right now it's not a codie thing because you are being a woman of your word, but if you cave in and allow him to use your car especilay after how he treated through those e-mails then yes it's a codie thing.

Jazzman

Reverse engineering and active addicts thought process is like trying to have a meaningful conversation with a brick wall. It will just make you crazy.

Rella927

I'am late with this post CE....I cannot agree more with alot said on this thread!

Jazz is 100% correct BRICKWALL BRICKWALL BRICKWALL BRICKWALL
Until we get this which I'm sure that someday you will....it is all that you are doing honey! I know I have been there 100 times over until I realized that it was not getting me anywhere! And those steps back once in awhile that we all have trying to keep that "I want to know what or why blah blah" it is us quacking and it is just not useful for our recovery!

Honey I have told you this before CHANGE THE DAMN E-MAIL already! You stated work cannot blah blah blah! I worked for two big Companys and they can do it! I was very good friends with one of the IT guys! And actually when you brought this up about a month ago I asked them about this! Any Company can do it! So do like NIKE JUST DO IT ALREADY

As long as you continue to have contact in any shape or form if you delete the e-mails or not it is still a form of contact and will hold you back from the most important thing in your life right now, YOU!

Love ya chicky

loveRoy

CEGirl, okay, here is the bottom line, this is what I am constantly telling my girls, never, ever let another person drive your car. That is trouble waiting to happen in a multitude of ways.

Pick-a-name

Actually, every time I "step-back" it is another chance for me to see that nothing has really changed. I get it in my head that maybe he is doing great, really wasn't "that bad",blah,blah,blah. And maybe he isn't,for a bit. BUT.....usually, it doesn't take long until I see "it" or hear "it" and remember (and I am able to recognise it sooner now,too). Sometimes it is a good thing for me to remember the truth. (We have two children together, so we aren't n/c) In little doses it can bring clarity as long as I am not sucked back in.

CE Girl

Thanks Pick, as usual,,, That is excatly how I feel about the nc thing.

Technically your right Rella, it can be done. However, due to my "position" it would be DISASTEROUS for me to change my email addy for professional AND business reasons. Besides, I'll be 'da** if he's gonna infringe on my career like he did the rest of my life.

However, I have been repeating, brickwall, brickwall, brickwall all afternoon

I think I got it

Actually, I got it before I posted this thread. It wasn't my intent to lament the codie mantra, "oh, why, oh why, does he torture me so" LOL

I am genuinely curious, particularly, from an A's point of view, if they actually block this stuff out. Or do they just "pretend" as a means to the end? I guess I want to know if its a "trait" of the disease? Or just another cunning trick learned in pursuit of the the addiction?


Duly noted "mom"

I love you guys,,,

One simple sentance and ~whoosh~ the guilt is gone!! Your absolutely right atalose