Free At Last

I have tried to deal with the boyfriends need to hide. We finally had gotten back together after me leaving and having no contact. We did awesome. But now I after some time has passed. He is right back to hiding when he is stressed. it may be a book or video game or TV. I understand he has to hyperfocus. It helps him deal after 11 years of sobriety on his end. However, he came out of the gate to try again great. Then he is like a child. As time goes on he tries to see how far he can take it before I snap. I sit and wait for him for hours until he realizes he has been on the computer for 4 hours. I either have to occupy my time alone. Or wait until he is ready. I am not so sure I am ok with all of this. We are now on the outs. I said meet me half way. Just make an effort. He says but this is me and how I am. When we got back together we talkked about all of this. He came back with I understand it is wrong I cannot do that to be in a healthy relationship. And now almost a year later here I am again. My friends tell me to stop it will never change. Now he tells me I need to talk to a professional or that I have to take my thoughts further than the serenity prayer. I admitt I have jad a rough two years with this and that. But why am I needing help because he has to hide. Do i accept do i try. Will it ever be ok? I learned two years ago i cannot change him and I walked. I agreed and we worked it out because he said xy and z, Now here we are again and I am crazy. Sorry if none of this makes sense, Really long story. I am trying to keep busy and not call him. He said he has not given up and is still there. But now I am the one faced with the decision. What decision I already made this decision a year ago NO NO I will not sit there and wait for him to remember I am in the other room. Or am I expecting too much am I being selfish. HELP

Pick-a-name

Sounds like you have made your decision....JMHO

Focus on yourself and what you want for your life. I know how frustrating it is to be involved in this kind of situation.

Maybe his actions/inactions are not about "you" or deliberate,however that does not mean that you need to stick around and put up with something that is not working for your needs and wants.

Are you both working on your own recoveries? To me, his actions sound like "alcoholic thinking"...maybe he is not to the point in his recovery where his eye is not on "self". I don't know,of course,but it juumped out at me when I read about isolation,etc. Maybe he has a long way to go to be ABLE to be a participating member in a relationship.

Good luck.

denny57

It's true. It doesn't matter if addiction is involved, I cannot change another person. If I have honestly shared with someone what I need from a relationship, and I do not get that, then it's up to me to stay or go, accepting that how it is today is exactly how it will be. Because I cannot predict the future.

It sounds like he is asking you to accept him just as he is. Can you?

Cynay

You also might want to stop listening to his words and watch his actions hon...

If he has not changed in 2 years, tells you that is "how I am" and is unwilling to correct the behavior ...

Well you have a choice, you can stay and learn to be happy or you can go and learn to be happy without him.

*hugs* I feel for ya

TexasGirl

Like Denny said, he is who he is, most likely for better or worse. If you do not want someone who does these things in your life, then you are not in the right relationship. That does not make you selfish or a bad person. That just means that your current needs do not line up with his current needs.

Free At Last

As the days pass and we talk I realize I have been here before but not with the same sadness. I go to pick up the phone because I need to know over or not. The difference now is I am not sure this is all ok. I thought maybe I would get through it with the love we have for eachother. He had made a great deal of progress. I am happy for that I am glad he has. Now I guess as so many of you have taught me....I have to look at myself and determine what is best for me. This is a little werd honestly. Now that I have been through all of this survived and end up back here again I know what to do I know to stay busy. But now Ihave to decide and a forever decision not easy God Bless

Cynay

Sweetheart, it does not have to be a forever decision.... It can be a today decision or maybe a 3 month decision and then agree to revisit it and see how you feel.

When my second husband and I seperated he did not want a divorce, he wanted to try and work it out.... So I agreed on a 6 month trial before filing. After the 6 months and some space it was clear as day what needed to happen for me and I filed.

There are only so many times a person can hurt you before your heart starts to protect itself, starts to heal and become immune to the person hurting it.... Just put the focus on you, take care of you and work on recovering and the rest will fall into place.

Free At Last

You have helped me through more then you know. i used to post as so confused. Sometimes you bring tears to my eyes because I know how right you are. You have helped me through many a day and sad sad night. Thank you for all you advice and compassion. After a year and then some I am grateful to have had the chance to know your wisdom as I too have watched you grow. THANK YOU