met with lawyer today in regards to restraining order
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
met with lawyer today in regards to restraining order
my lawyer told me that we need to amend the original restraining order because if i go for a permanant one, what is written there now, will not sustain a permanent restraining order.
so, i have to go do this tomorrow morning and he also wants me to include all prior domestic violence/abuse and drug abuse. and he will get served with the new restraining order.
Why am i so reluctant?? i feel that at this point i just want a divorce...maybe that is taking the easy way out...but i jus dont want to go thru it all. he will go balistic when he gets served with the new RO. I just know he will. epecially with me mentioning the drug abuse...my intent is not to have him arrested because i dont feel that jail is where he needs to be...i feel he needs real serious help for is addiction. His addiction that he is blind too recognizing as such.
so my friend is going down with me tomorrow morning to the courthouse to talk with a DV counselor.
I have to say that I just want to be seperated from my husband now, and let him deal with his drug problem himself....i just dont think he would leave our house and so if i dont go ahead with the new RO, i will have no protection.
This is so hard for me... i am having such a hard time with this decsion. also, i dont want him to get arrested or loose his job, so i dont want to say the wrong things. i know im worring about HIM too much, arent i?
Advice please????
so, i have to go do this tomorrow morning and he also wants me to include all prior domestic violence/abuse and drug abuse. and he will get served with the new restraining order.
Why am i so reluctant?? i feel that at this point i just want a divorce...maybe that is taking the easy way out...but i jus dont want to go thru it all. he will go balistic when he gets served with the new RO. I just know he will. epecially with me mentioning the drug abuse...my intent is not to have him arrested because i dont feel that jail is where he needs to be...i feel he needs real serious help for is addiction. His addiction that he is blind too recognizing as such.
so my friend is going down with me tomorrow morning to the courthouse to talk with a DV counselor.
I have to say that I just want to be seperated from my husband now, and let him deal with his drug problem himself....i just dont think he would leave our house and so if i dont go ahead with the new RO, i will have no protection.
This is so hard for me... i am having such a hard time with this decsion. also, i dont want him to get arrested or loose his job, so i dont want to say the wrong things. i know im worring about HIM too much, arent i?
Advice please????
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
i am having such a hard time with this decsion. also, i dont want him to get arrested or loose his job, so i dont want to say the wrong things. i know im worring about HIM too much, arent i?
I'm not going to beat you up for doing the same things I've done. ((gentle hugs))Do what you can live with, DW. That's all any of us can do.
(((prayers)))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
A restraining order is about protecting yourself and as long as he leaves you alone he won't have to pay the consequence of breaking it.
His continued drug use may lead to other consequences but none of these are your responsibility and may indeed lead him to finding a better path.
I agree with BigSis, do whatever you can live with, but as someone who has volunteered with abused women I think it is very important to protect yourself from any harm he may do to you.
Hugs
His continued drug use may lead to other consequences but none of these are your responsibility and may indeed lead him to finding a better path.
I agree with BigSis, do whatever you can live with, but as someone who has volunteered with abused women I think it is very important to protect yourself from any harm he may do to you.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Don't really understand your thinking, if you go for a divorce you'll need the restraining order more than ever.
And yes, you are way to into him, and, too little into you and your children. He occupies way too much space in your mind.
And yes, you are way to into him, and, too little into you and your children. He occupies way too much space in your mind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I 100% agree with Dolly divorce will require your need for the restraining orser and likely force your children to spend every other weekend with an addict.
Thats part of my reason for holding off.
Im gonna to say this one more time, mentioning the drugs or prior abuse will not ahve him arrested its only your word. But it gives a basis to understanding your fear, it gets you safe as well as the kids as with those allegations he'll have to prove he's not to be with the kids alone.
Dont worry if he goes ballistic with a new restraining order, he cant come near you. Do not be afraid to call the cops!!! Too many men are arrested only to be let out the next day, or the same day. He will be okay. DO what YOU feel you need to do for you. If your not ready none of us will fault you for that, but you have to atleast stop protecting him and start protecting yourself and your kids
Thats part of my reason for holding off.
Im gonna to say this one more time, mentioning the drugs or prior abuse will not ahve him arrested its only your word. But it gives a basis to understanding your fear, it gets you safe as well as the kids as with those allegations he'll have to prove he's not to be with the kids alone.
Dont worry if he goes ballistic with a new restraining order, he cant come near you. Do not be afraid to call the cops!!! Too many men are arrested only to be let out the next day, or the same day. He will be okay. DO what YOU feel you need to do for you. If your not ready none of us will fault you for that, but you have to atleast stop protecting him and start protecting yourself and your kids
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
DW....
If you get the restraining order (which *I* happen to think is a great idea), you've got to be prepared to enforce it. The order is just a piece of paper. The will to seperate yourself from him has to come from within.
I know how hard this is. I also had to get a restraining order from my exah before filing for divorce. It was a very difficult thing to do but it was necessary at the time. The benefit of the order isn't just to protect you...it also creates a documented history of his drug use and abusive behavior. Somewhere down the line, you're going to have to deal with the issue of visitation. The Court can't make an intelligent and wise decision on this issue unless it knows of his drug problem and abusive behavior. I was concerned when you said you didn't mention his drug use in your petition for a restraining order. The bottom line is...you can't protect both him on one hand and you and your children on the other. Your AH is a big boy. Let him deal with the consequences of his behavior on his own. I'm sure he'll get himself a lawyer to look after his interests as well. You can't serve two masters here DW...you just can't.
Like I said, I've been thru this. I know how hard it is.
The only advice I can offer is to put YOUR needs and the needs of your children first with any decision that you make. Its not about being selfish or betraying your AH...its a matter of survival and the well-being of your kids.
Best of luck...
If you get the restraining order (which *I* happen to think is a great idea), you've got to be prepared to enforce it. The order is just a piece of paper. The will to seperate yourself from him has to come from within.
I know how hard this is. I also had to get a restraining order from my exah before filing for divorce. It was a very difficult thing to do but it was necessary at the time. The benefit of the order isn't just to protect you...it also creates a documented history of his drug use and abusive behavior. Somewhere down the line, you're going to have to deal with the issue of visitation. The Court can't make an intelligent and wise decision on this issue unless it knows of his drug problem and abusive behavior. I was concerned when you said you didn't mention his drug use in your petition for a restraining order. The bottom line is...you can't protect both him on one hand and you and your children on the other. Your AH is a big boy. Let him deal with the consequences of his behavior on his own. I'm sure he'll get himself a lawyer to look after his interests as well. You can't serve two masters here DW...you just can't.
Like I said, I've been thru this. I know how hard it is.
The only advice I can offer is to put YOUR needs and the needs of your children first with any decision that you make. Its not about being selfish or betraying your AH...its a matter of survival and the well-being of your kids.
Best of luck...
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
The RO is separate from the Divorce action. It can absolutely support the divorce action.
Jail is not the worse place to be. He might be forced into court ordered rehab for drug addiction in jail.
Don't let him rent so much space in YOUR head. You have two kids and YOU to take care of and that should be using up all the sapce in your head. If you give him to much space he will be back and God Knows What he may do to you then.
Wanting to be done with it all is pretty normal and I sure know how you feel. However, you have two kids and he is their Father so you will never be 100% done with it on some levels. However, you CAN be 100% done with it in your own mind.
You cannot control anything excpet your reaction to the things life throws at you. It is up to you to choose the best reaction for you and your kids.
(((DW)))
Jail is not the worse place to be. He might be forced into court ordered rehab for drug addiction in jail.
Don't let him rent so much space in YOUR head. You have two kids and YOU to take care of and that should be using up all the sapce in your head. If you give him to much space he will be back and God Knows What he may do to you then.
Wanting to be done with it all is pretty normal and I sure know how you feel. However, you have two kids and he is their Father so you will never be 100% done with it on some levels. However, you CAN be 100% done with it in your own mind.
You cannot control anything excpet your reaction to the things life throws at you. It is up to you to choose the best reaction for you and your kids.
(((DW)))
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((DW))) What I forget, sometimes, is that addiction is chronic and progressive.
It is with us ALL the time, even when sober. It gets worse over time.
Whatever you have today will likely be worse down the road.
I say that because I have done things to protect the "status quo", only to look back later and realize I missed an opportunity to take an action that would have been easier back then, than it is today.
I hope today is going well for you. You remain in my prayers.
((((DrainedWife))))
It is with us ALL the time, even when sober. It gets worse over time.
Whatever you have today will likely be worse down the road.
I say that because I have done things to protect the "status quo", only to look back later and realize I missed an opportunity to take an action that would have been easier back then, than it is today.
I hope today is going well for you. You remain in my prayers.
((((DrainedWife))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Finding Myself
Posts: 91
You say your intention is to get him into a rehab center rather than jail. You can't control this, DW. Rehab will only be an option when HE is ready, your intentions will have nothing to do with it. Like everyone else has said the only thing you should be focusing on right now is the safety of yourself and your children. You can't force him to choose recovery. If he is served with a RO and then chooses to ignore it and come near you, then whatever consequences come up are his fault, not yours. You can't control his drug use, you can't control his actions and you can't control his recovery. That is all up to him. It's so hard, I know it is. But please take the focus off of him, you have to. Things will start getting better for you once you do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
((DW))
Please think of your children before your AH, they are the inocent victims here. Your AH made a choice you use your children didn't have a say in the matter. You have to protect them and yourself. Turn this over to your HP and he/she will guide you.
Just because you get a RO does not mean he will go to jail, it can be used to help protect you and your children. If you are worried about him going crazy when he gets it make sure your phone is with you at all times, this way if anything happens you can call the police.
Take care of you and your precious children,
Hugs
Please think of your children before your AH, they are the inocent victims here. Your AH made a choice you use your children didn't have a say in the matter. You have to protect them and yourself. Turn this over to your HP and he/she will guide you.
Just because you get a RO does not mean he will go to jail, it can be used to help protect you and your children. If you are worried about him going crazy when he gets it make sure your phone is with you at all times, this way if anything happens you can call the police.
Take care of you and your precious children,
Hugs
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