why can't I leave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: south lake tahoe,ca
Posts: 17
why can't I leave
I am so tired of watching the same show and really want to save me, but I can't seem to get strong enough. I love my AH wife but know I should just walk away, but something keeps me here. I have done Al Anon for a year now and know I need to change, it just hurts so bad. Can someone HELP!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm sorry you're hurting.
I'm sort of where you're at.
I can't tell you what to do -- only you know that -- but I can tell you where I'm at.
After a year and some months in Al-Anon (off and on; I haven't been going to meetings as much as I would like to), I've come to a point where I'm OK with the fact that I am not ready yet. Maybe I'll get to the point where I'm ready, maybe I won't. The thing is, beating yourself up over what you feel you should be doing isn't helping you one bit.
Good advice I got from an Al-Anon friend was to stop using the word "should" when I think or talk about my possible courses of action. "Replace 'should' with 'could'," she said. Yeah. I could leave. Right now, I'm choosing not to. Thinking like that removed the guilt I felt about doing the wrong thing -- and that freed me up to actually consider what I wanted to do.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
Do you have kids together? That's a big thing for me. We do, and it complicates things something wicked -- at least inside my head.
I'm sort of where you're at.
I can't tell you what to do -- only you know that -- but I can tell you where I'm at.
After a year and some months in Al-Anon (off and on; I haven't been going to meetings as much as I would like to), I've come to a point where I'm OK with the fact that I am not ready yet. Maybe I'll get to the point where I'm ready, maybe I won't. The thing is, beating yourself up over what you feel you should be doing isn't helping you one bit.
Good advice I got from an Al-Anon friend was to stop using the word "should" when I think or talk about my possible courses of action. "Replace 'should' with 'could'," she said. Yeah. I could leave. Right now, I'm choosing not to. Thinking like that removed the guilt I felt about doing the wrong thing -- and that freed me up to actually consider what I wanted to do.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
Do you have kids together? That's a big thing for me. We do, and it complicates things something wicked -- at least inside my head.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Only you will know when it's right to leave, Hope.
I wanted to leave for years before I ever got up the strength and courage to do it.
I have been married for 12 years. I will have been gone for 1 month this coming Sunday.
If I had waited for the perfect timing to leave, the right amount of strength, courage, whatever, I never would have done it. Something in me just knew when it was right.
Change is hard. But sometimes we have to love them enough to step out of the way and stop keeping them from reaching their bottom!
Best Wishes, Hope!
I wanted to leave for years before I ever got up the strength and courage to do it.
I have been married for 12 years. I will have been gone for 1 month this coming Sunday.
If I had waited for the perfect timing to leave, the right amount of strength, courage, whatever, I never would have done it. Something in me just knew when it was right.
Change is hard. But sometimes we have to love them enough to step out of the way and stop keeping them from reaching their bottom!
Best Wishes, Hope!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
I understand "it just hurts so bad". There have been many days that I thought the pain and the hurt would kill me. Plus, there have been many days when I wished it would kill me. I hate the expression "it takes time". I don't want to hear that. I want to feel better now. I want to know how this is all going to turn out. You know the rest--it takes time and I will have to wait and see how it all turns out. I am thankful that I found this board and all my new friends who understand me. Hopeintahoe, keep reading and keep posting. You are in a safe place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by hopeintahoe 
but know I should just walk away, but something keeps me here.
Take care.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi hopeintahoe,
Don't beat yourself up over things you think you should be doing or should have done allready. If it was a simple thing to wrap a head around, this forum wouldnt be uselful!
Timing is really important to me and my choices. Some choices I made at the wrong time, ended up being not right at that time, but were excellent choices for me, when I was ready.
Denny has a good idea, have you given it much thought?
A list of things you like about your current relationship and a list of things you dont?
Don't beat yourself up over things you think you should be doing or should have done allready. If it was a simple thing to wrap a head around, this forum wouldnt be uselful!
Timing is really important to me and my choices. Some choices I made at the wrong time, ended up being not right at that time, but were excellent choices for me, when I was ready.
Denny has a good idea, have you given it much thought?
A list of things you like about your current relationship and a list of things you dont?
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
I’m sorry another goes through this, I’ve been there.
Truth of the matter is all begins and ends with you.
You seem to want to move, but can’t, I understand this.
Since you have been in Alanon for a year you pretty much know the drill.
So ask yourself, what do I fear?
Being alone?
I hated it! But now I love it. Fact is I’m not alone at all.
What will happen next? You will live and rebuild. It will happen.
Pain is wonderful in the fact that it tells you that SOMETHING is WRONG.
A cut, a thorn, a bad relationship.
It’s natures way to tell us that something must change............
I’m sorry another goes through this, I’ve been there.
Truth of the matter is all begins and ends with you.
You seem to want to move, but can’t, I understand this.
Since you have been in Alanon for a year you pretty much know the drill.
So ask yourself, what do I fear?
Being alone?
I hated it! But now I love it. Fact is I’m not alone at all.
What will happen next? You will live and rebuild. It will happen.
Pain is wonderful in the fact that it tells you that SOMETHING is WRONG.
A cut, a thorn, a bad relationship.
It’s natures way to tell us that something must change............
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
When the pain of staying hurt more than the pain of letting go and caring for myself, I made the choice to leave. You will make the choice that's right for you when you ready. Trust yourself and what is best for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
i really think that answer is not any different for the alcoholic than it is for us.
we have to hit our bottom before we leave. there could be any number of things that cause this. when you reach it you WILL know. there won't be any questioning it.
this site will help you. really looking at yourself and getting in touch with your feelings will help too as mentioned.
we have to hit our bottom before we leave. there could be any number of things that cause this. when you reach it you WILL know. there won't be any questioning it.
this site will help you. really looking at yourself and getting in touch with your feelings will help too as mentioned.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
So sorry you are in 'that place' . I know it all to well myself . Lots of good advice
above . I too stayed in the relationship for what I think was too long before making any moves , we have kids which definitely complicated things . I will tell you this though , when I put some boundarys in place things started to change and there was a weight lifted off of me and it was replaced with total contentment . I knew I was doing the right thing for me and for my kids and that kept me moving forward and feeling good about the direction things were going .
This board has been a Godsend . Keep posting , keep reading , keep hearing other storys and identifying . Every time I start to feel myself slipping I get picked right back up again !
(())sss
above . I too stayed in the relationship for what I think was too long before making any moves , we have kids which definitely complicated things . I will tell you this though , when I put some boundarys in place things started to change and there was a weight lifted off of me and it was replaced with total contentment . I knew I was doing the right thing for me and for my kids and that kept me moving forward and feeling good about the direction things were going .
This board has been a Godsend . Keep posting , keep reading , keep hearing other storys and identifying . Every time I start to feel myself slipping I get picked right back up again !
(())sss
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