Crazy Carl

Where to begin.

I found this website today after doing a search for "alcoholism words of wisdom" because I could use some.

I had been sober for 6 months, doing it on my own. Unfortunately yesterday, I finally broke down and gave in to temptation. It has cost me dearly. My fiance left with our 2 kids saying its over. One little slip, and now everything I lived for is gone.

Sorry to prattle on, but its more comfortable to talk here than at meetings since im a very shy person.

To me, my life is over. I love my kids more than anything, and just being a weekend dad scares the life out of me.

If anyone has any words of hope, please help.

juliee

Carl,
Your life is by far not over. Congrats on the 6 months, I'm only on day 11. Your children need you.....even if for now you only get to see them on week-ends. Call them often and stay involved in their lives. Never put them in the middle and just love them, love them, love them. I by no means have the answers about how to get back to sobriety but these people here do. Welcome!!! Julie

Anna

Hi Carl,

Welcome!

Congratulations on 6 months sober. I'm sorry about the slip and what has happened with your fiance and children. All you can do at this point, is stay sober and have patience. Things will work out the way they should. And, learn from what happened. Make a plan so that you will avoid that mistake again. You can get through this.

hope3

Welcome Carl, you have found a great place...
Yesterday you gave in to temptation you wrote....you were
sober on your own for 6 months...congratulations on the six months..

Did you feel like you were missing out on a big part of life by not

drinking? Or were you starting to feel healthier and happier. The reason why

I ask, is because I just celebrated my sixth month of sobriety, but I did a lot of soul searching and educationg myself on alcoholism so I would understand what the heck had such a hold on me and why....

You can not drink, you proved that, now you just have to figure what will keep you

not wanting to drink.. for you...

I know you will find it, you have two children, what an incentive carl...

Keep reading and posting....take care, hope3

KatieMay

Do you know what made you drink today? And don't say if you don't want to, but how did she know about it? I wanted to drink so bad yesterday, I could hardly stand it. I'm just at 25 days today. Some days sure are harder than others. I am trying to 'line up' more and more distractions for myself, like a parent finding things for a kid, I guess, for these tough moments. Some pass faster than others, I'm finding so many levels. I am hoping that she will speak to you later today or tomorrow about it. You have to know why you did this today before you talk to her. She will want answers and good ones. Get your thoughts straight first. It will help you, too, no matter what happens otherwise. We are all with you here. This website has help me more than I can express. People have all different experiences and they really care. All hours of the day and night people are available. Reach out and try to focus and figure out what you are going to do next. Beating yourself up more is just going to make you feel more awful and not get you any closer to helping anyone, including yourself. The one thing I have figured out is, we are the only ones who can help ourselves, and after all we go through, we deserve a little help and kindness. From one who knows more than I wish I did, and cares, my best to you-- KM

Surlyredhead

I can relate to slipping and letting everyone I love down...again. It is a feeling that I pray I never feel again. I am sorry you are going through this rough time, it is true what they say, it gets worse x10 when we relapse. Your fiance' is hurt and she has every right to be upset, her feelings are as valid as your fear of losing her. You are very fortunate to be here after only one day of relapse ...I was not as strong, I lost my husband and Son and have not seen either one in over 14 years. What you need to do now, is go after sobriety like your life depends on it...because it does. With Sobriety, you will get your children back in your life and possibly another chance with your fiance' ...I will be pulling for you and I am here if you need me, as are so many others who understand.

Cathy

SaTiT

I had to do it for myself and no one else.

I lost my duaghter and it tore me a new one.
I didn't get my duaghter back after i sobered up..
I guess..a weekend is not so bad.
I guess look at what you have instead of what you don't have.
make a gradtitue list...becuase there's always worst and it can get worst
if i ever pick up again.

Crazy Carl

I have been sitting here trying to answer those questions you posed KM. I had that beer because of only one reason, I wanted it. I know it not going to change what I did, but after that 1 beer, I came back to my senses and poured the rest out. I could have hid the evidence, but I wanted to own up to my mistake, which I did take responsibility for. Sitting here, I typed something up that I have put on my door, so I will see it every morning...

No matter how much the urge gets for the poison of alcohol, you do have the strength to fight it, even when it seems futile. Remember what it is you are trying to accomplish and what you are trying to stay sober for. That in itself is the power you need to use and tell those sinister urges that there are more important things in life. For you are an alcoholic and this is a battle that you want to win.

Im going to use this as my inspiration everyday to not pick up that bottle.

Carl

IO Storm

Hi Crazy Carl...

Fellow alkie here...

But also recoveing codependent...my BF is sober but I went thru 7 years with

the last ex.

I recall the gut wrenching pain of relapse after relapse...periods of sobriety...

We tried to do it for each other...all would be well..but when I caught him

drinking on Antabuse..I had to stay away and felt so betrayed.

Give fiance a little time...but do not expect to reunite...your sobriety must

be for yourself..we say sobriety first...

You do have aright to see your kids...make sure you follow through with that!

Love,

IO

P.S. Nice to see you on the Newbie Bus!

Rowan

Hi Carl,

Sorry to be late in welcoming you, but I'm awfully glad that you found us. I'm sorry for your struggles with your fiancee and kids, and I understand how painful that is, but you don't have to drink over it.
What are you doing to stay sober, besides willpower and this website? Going it alone can be awfully difficult.
Please keep reading and posting - you're in good company here.

Rowan

Crazy Carl

Im not going to try going it along this time. Im looking around at various things in the internet right now just to have an outlet. I have to wait till Thursday for the local AA meeting, since I dont have reliable transportation to go the city for one there.

ghostgirl

your life is over? have they thrown the dirt on you yet?

go to a.a. start over, like lots of people have done, and just do not drink. the fiance and the kids will work themselves out, and it is likely that maybe someday that will be in your favor?

by going to a.a., you learn more than just not drinking... you learn to overcome the shyness, and to develope spiritually.

hugss to you, and give a.a. a shot.

i'm LOVE to isolate, and i can't think of anyone that can match me in shyness, but i FORCED myself to go to a.a. meetings, meet people, do service work, and go to fun events... and things are looking up. and if you give it a real try, they will look up for you, too.

the rest will take care of itself.

((((((((()))))))))))))

gg

Dee74

Hey Carl,
I'm really sorry to hear what happened...but I'm glad you're back on track and looking for ways to get sober for good...I think Anna's right...stay sober, have patience, learn from your mistakes like we all do, get a programme of some kind, and things should work out.

D

hope3

Ghostgirl has a good point! They haven't thrown the dirt on you yet...

I'll be thinking of you today Carl...you can do it, you are worth it...

hope3

Rusty Zipper

we meet again carl... glad to see you hang'n around...

carl carl me friend... most of the time its the things were uncomfortable with that our best for us...

when you get that ride, hit the meetings, and beleive me brother.. you will get out of that shyness real soon...

for me, i always needed booze to open up... well today... i cant shutup...

good wishes crazyc

xxoo rz

indigo

Welcome, and congratulations on your six months, I slipped several times in the beggining, until I got tired of hurting myself and the people I love and who love me. I'm sorry about your family, all is not lost, every time you want to pick up think of them. It takes loved one's a long time to be able to trust us again, it is worth it. It also took me a long time to believe I could do it and trust myself. I always have to stay vigilent even now. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

indigo

Crazy Carl

Well, here I go, starting the next day. I'll keep everyone in my thoughts to get me through day.

Rowan

We're with you all the way, Carl

ritabee

Hi Carl

I might be able to offer some insight as to why your fiancee left. I am/was/am involved with an alcoholic. I have watched him WANT to live a sober life without doing the work needed to achieve it. After coming out of rehab he went faithfully to two AA meetings a week...one is an open meeting (no chance for sharing there) and he never got a sponsor or even a phone list. He relapsed almost right away then had a couple of months of sobriety. Then his actions/attitude changed and I became the bad guy and was constantly accused of looking to see if he was drinking. I didn't need to see it, I KNEW it. Now he hasn't bothered with AA for over 6 weeks.

It is SO hard for the spouses, family members and anyone who cares about you watch you killing yourselves with booze. We really love you and want so badly for you to succeed. We aren't allowed to comment on your methods of recovery (after all, these are YOUR choices, even if it affects us)! We dare to get our hopes up that you are serious about sobriety and hold our breaths every time there is the least little upset in your life hoping and praying that this will not drive you back to the bottle. We want to trust you but we can't help remembering the past. We are proud of your sobriety (even if it's just for ONE day) and as you get more and more days of sobriety under your belt we tend to forget the bad days and get comfortable with the good ones. Then the "slip" happens.

I am very proud of you Carl for admitting your slip to your fiancee. My (ex) partner never would unless he was caught with it. You sound like you have your priorities straight and really want the sober life. Give your fiancee a chance. She is SCARED! I don't know how bad things were for you/her when you were drinking but I know she doesn't want to go back there. She might also be using this as a wake-up call to you. I've told my A that either he has to remove the drinking or I have to remove myself from it. It's too hard otherwise.

I hope she keeps the lines of communication open but even if she doesn't you work on this for YOU. If you are seriously staying sober she will find out. It might be helpful to know that there are certain times in your recovery that seem to be harder than others. I don't know all of them but the 6 month mark is definitely one. Keep reading and educate yourself about the disease as well as recovery. There are a lot of recovered alcoholics on this board who can help you.

I can only tell you how I feel and why and I hope you found that helpful.

Good luck in your recovery and use every resource you can find.

ghostgirl

you can do it, carl!!

we're all here for you!!


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gg