Not tough enough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
Not tough enough
How can I forgive myself for not throwing him out?
I'm not just hurting him, I am hurting me, too. I know I am standing in his way every time I put a roof over him; I know I am losing emotional ground.
But I am just not there. I don't know when I will get there. He's just functional enough and helpful enough and deceitful enough; and has just enough of a plan to leave that I can't do it.
I am just weak enough and scared enough not to shove.
Says he wants to go back to school. He still has a job. Still using suboxone - from the street pharmacists - to get off the oxy and still using oxy, too, I'll bet.
I feel ripped apart between knowing what is right and knowing what I can't bring myself to do. And that's knowing already how much better I would feel showing him the door. My whole life would change.
Addicts have their bottoms, I guess I do, too. The slide hurts on the way down~
I'm not just hurting him, I am hurting me, too. I know I am standing in his way every time I put a roof over him; I know I am losing emotional ground.
But I am just not there. I don't know when I will get there. He's just functional enough and helpful enough and deceitful enough; and has just enough of a plan to leave that I can't do it.
I am just weak enough and scared enough not to shove.
Says he wants to go back to school. He still has a job. Still using suboxone - from the street pharmacists - to get off the oxy and still using oxy, too, I'll bet.
I feel ripped apart between knowing what is right and knowing what I can't bring myself to do. And that's knowing already how much better I would feel showing him the door. My whole life would change.
Addicts have their bottoms, I guess I do, too. The slide hurts on the way down~
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
(((Nitelite)))
Love the name by the way!!! Haven't met you before, but welcome to SR!!! I'm also the mom of an addict, raising my 12 year old grandson who was the worst casualty in this war of drugs!!
My 30 year old daughter was a registered nurse, who was selling her emaciated track marked body just 1 month ago. Today, we are taking baby steps, she has started on methadone.
She had injured her back at work and was prescribed oxy's. And although I just discovered syringes 1 short year ago, it seems the addiction was going on for some time. But the descent sure was fast for me. She went from having her son, a job in a hospital, a car, an apt...etc, etc. , to living in homeless shelters and whoring for money for that damn drug!!
Anyway, just wanted to give you a little background, because I was a travelling nurse in the US for the past 10 years, I would come home every 3 months for a month long visit and never realized that the reason my daughter couldn't make ends meet....was addiction. I used to send money, clothes for my grandson, when I would come home to visit, I would buy furniture, food, whatever I could to just help her get on her feet. And somehow, it never helped.
I finally realized something was wrong and spoke with a wonderful counsellor, who told me .....Every time you do something for your grown child, that they can or should be doing.....YOU ARE CRIPPLING YOUR CHILD. Oh, I had excuses..like....but I have a box packed with stuff, and it's her birthday...on and on.....but he said....
Linda, You are Hurting HER!!!!!
Well, that was all before I knew that the problem was addiction.....but I think I'm smarter now....LOLOL!!! But I think when we are facing addiction....things that would help a normal child....and perhaps it doesn't even help them!...hurt our addicts and actually help them to death!!! Every dollar we free up for them....they don't use it for (fill in the blanks), rent, food, gas on and on....they use it for drugs, so we literally are killing them with kindness.
Sorry to have gone on so long....take what you like...etc
(((((Hugs)))))
Love the name by the way!!! Haven't met you before, but welcome to SR!!! I'm also the mom of an addict, raising my 12 year old grandson who was the worst casualty in this war of drugs!!
My 30 year old daughter was a registered nurse, who was selling her emaciated track marked body just 1 month ago. Today, we are taking baby steps, she has started on methadone.
She had injured her back at work and was prescribed oxy's. And although I just discovered syringes 1 short year ago, it seems the addiction was going on for some time. But the descent sure was fast for me. She went from having her son, a job in a hospital, a car, an apt...etc, etc. , to living in homeless shelters and whoring for money for that damn drug!!
Anyway, just wanted to give you a little background, because I was a travelling nurse in the US for the past 10 years, I would come home every 3 months for a month long visit and never realized that the reason my daughter couldn't make ends meet....was addiction. I used to send money, clothes for my grandson, when I would come home to visit, I would buy furniture, food, whatever I could to just help her get on her feet. And somehow, it never helped.
I finally realized something was wrong and spoke with a wonderful counsellor, who told me .....Every time you do something for your grown child, that they can or should be doing.....YOU ARE CRIPPLING YOUR CHILD. Oh, I had excuses..like....but I have a box packed with stuff, and it's her birthday...on and on.....but he said....
Linda, You are Hurting HER!!!!!
Well, that was all before I knew that the problem was addiction.....but I think I'm smarter now....LOLOL!!! But I think when we are facing addiction....things that would help a normal child....and perhaps it doesn't even help them!...hurt our addicts and actually help them to death!!! Every dollar we free up for them....they don't use it for (fill in the blanks), rent, food, gas on and on....they use it for drugs, so we literally are killing them with kindness.
Sorry to have gone on so long....take what you like...etc
(((((Hugs)))))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((Nite))))
Boy...as I've mentioned, I know your pain.
The one thing that I found is that while I never really got to the point of showing mine the door, I did get to the point of giving him fair choices to remain.
Then, if that agreement was broken, he CHOSE to leave, and that I had no control of.
I was more than fair with my son, the choices given were more flexible than he deserved, but a line was drawn...and he was given the time to consider his options.
Eventually, we saw the same line in the same place.
Had he not, I would have been forced to request that he leave...and follow through.
Now that I've been away from the chaos...I see that he's the one that would have left me no choice.
Hang in there Nite...we're walking with you
((((hugs))))
Cece
Boy...as I've mentioned, I know your pain.
The one thing that I found is that while I never really got to the point of showing mine the door, I did get to the point of giving him fair choices to remain.
Then, if that agreement was broken, he CHOSE to leave, and that I had no control of.
I was more than fair with my son, the choices given were more flexible than he deserved, but a line was drawn...and he was given the time to consider his options.
Eventually, we saw the same line in the same place.
Had he not, I would have been forced to request that he leave...and follow through.
Now that I've been away from the chaos...I see that he's the one that would have left me no choice.
Hang in there Nite...we're walking with you
((((hugs))))
Cece
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
((Nitelite))
I feel much pain in your post. Believe me when I say, I've been there before and was there for a really long time too before I had all I could take. Be gentle with yourself. If you're not ready you can't force yourself into making any major decisions yet.
The fact is that after a while we know when we're being manipulated. We know when we're being lied to. We know more than we knew when we first started out, but until the pain of hanging on gets worse than the pain of letting go we'll be stuck. The wonderful thing about recovery is we can go at our own pace. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. How long it takes any one of us to get there will be different.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and keep focus on yourself and your recovery. It gets better when we get better.
I feel much pain in your post. Believe me when I say, I've been there before and was there for a really long time too before I had all I could take. Be gentle with yourself. If you're not ready you can't force yourself into making any major decisions yet.
The fact is that after a while we know when we're being manipulated. We know when we're being lied to. We know more than we knew when we first started out, but until the pain of hanging on gets worse than the pain of letting go we'll be stuck. The wonderful thing about recovery is we can go at our own pace. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. How long it takes any one of us to get there will be different.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and keep focus on yourself and your recovery. It gets better when we get better.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi Nitelite, I feel how torn you are & my heart goes out to you. As NotSleeping said by doing for them ( our kids ) what they should be doing for themselves we are crippling them. You know what is true for addicted kids is also true for any adult kids. I have an AS 40 & a SS 33. Now I believe in helping my kids if they are doing the right thing & I can afford it. The problems I am having with my 33yr old SS are of my own making. Because AS got so much from my parents I helped SS to the point where I made him too darn dependent on me. You should never help your children to the point where you hurt yourself.
You will take a firm stand when you are ready but it is clear you already know you are hurting him & yourself. As you can now see this I don't think it will be long before you will be strong enough to do what you know you should do. I as well never wanted to hurt my kids but thats exactely what I was doing.
Ask yourself this question, what would happen to your son if you weren't here to take care of him?
That has helped me to stop doing for him what he should be doing for himself.
Love,
Diane
You will take a firm stand when you are ready but it is clear you already know you are hurting him & yourself. As you can now see this I don't think it will be long before you will be strong enough to do what you know you should do. I as well never wanted to hurt my kids but thats exactely what I was doing.
Ask yourself this question, what would happen to your son if you weren't here to take care of him?
That has helped me to stop doing for him what he should be doing for himself.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Don't worry. You will get there when you are ready. No one can live with addiction forever, even if it is their child. Do what you need to do now. Set some small boundaries, ones that you know you can enforce. I know that with my daughter, I can't be around her. I am not strong enough yet not to be pulled in by her manipulations. I thank God that he never tested me with addiction in my own home. My daughter's addiction started once she moved on her own and she has not lived with me since. And never will again. Sending some hugs and prayers for you, Marle
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch 
((Nitelite))
I feel much pain in your post. Believe me when I say, I've been there before and was there for a really long time too before I had all I could take. Be gentle with yourself. If you're not ready you can't force yourself into making any major decisions yet.
The fact is that after a while we know when we're being manipulated. We know when we're being lied to. We know more than we knew when we first started out, but until the pain of hanging on gets worse than the pain of letting go we'll be stuck. The wonderful thing about recovery is we can go at our own pace. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. How long it takes any one of us to get there will be different.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and keep focus on yourself and your recovery. It gets better when we get better.
I feel much pain in your post. Believe me when I say, I've been there before and was there for a really long time too before I had all I could take. Be gentle with yourself. If you're not ready you can't force yourself into making any major decisions yet.
The fact is that after a while we know when we're being manipulated. We know when we're being lied to. We know more than we knew when we first started out, but until the pain of hanging on gets worse than the pain of letting go we'll be stuck. The wonderful thing about recovery is we can go at our own pace. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. How long it takes any one of us to get there will be different.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and keep focus on yourself and your recovery. It gets better when we get better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
I agree with the others. You will get there when you are ready. I know I didn't get there overnight. It is tough when you want to believe so bad that they are going to start getting back on track. Sending some more hugs your way....you are doing good.!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 46
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but in some ways it's comforting for me to know I'm not the only one. I could've written that post. I don't know if I'm ready or tough enough either. I also don't think I'm tough enough to walk in on him overdosing again. or dead.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
I'm going thru the same thing right now with my 28 year old daughter. No drugs were found in her system 2 weeks ago[thats a surprise since she is now dating a guy that just got out of jail for dealing]. I have guardianship of my grandson who is 1 1/2 and the absolute love of my life. She came to see the baby yesterday for 10 minutes, he was glad to see her but kept looking for and coming to me. She brought the bf here...I had a fit. She is not allowed to bring anyone here again. What idiots they are, give up these children for drugs....All I know today is I am so lucky to have Xander and he is doing well. I am sorry for your pain, I know it too...Love Marian
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