FormerDoormat

Being in a relationship is painful. But it's real pain. It's not the pain of wanting someone who doesn't want you, nor is it the pain of trying to fix someone's life so that they see the truth--or you. Breaking free from (co-dependency) is painful as well. Real pain happens when you take away what's standing between you and being awake. It's the gritty pain of growing up yourself. It's the dark and dirty pain of acknowledging that you are 40 years old and still afraid of telling the truth.

The pain of compulsion is not real pain. Neither is the pain of being with an unavailable or abusive partner. I don't mean to say that you don't hurt, only that the hurt is piled on top of the deeper, truer, hurt. There is original pain, pain of loss, loneliness, sorrow, fear. And there is the pain you create to distract yourself from feeling loss, loneliness, sorrow, fear. There is pain and there is pain on top of pain. Healing is about opening the wound and letting it heal from the inside out, exposing it to wind and sun and time, not piling bandages on it and screaming each time your skin gets caught in the adhesive tape.

The nature of obsession is that it protects you from the truth. Relationships are a process of facing, then striping away, the layers you have constructed between you and allowing someone to make a difference in you.

I used (control) and I used people. I called the (control) part ("co-dependency") and I called the people part "love." I used both of them for the same purpose: to avoid feeling my fear, my shame about being myself, my hopelessness about being alive. I didn't pay much attention to the people I chose. I chose lovers less for what they could offer me than for how much fixing our relationships demanded. My goal in (controlling) and loving was exactly the same: I wanted to be taken away from myself.

--Exerpt from "When Food is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy" by Geneen Roth

Again, I've substituted the words associated with eating for words associated with co-dependency (in parenthesis), but the message remains the same.

This has been such a helpful book to me. Even those who don't suffer from an eating addiction will find this book an eye-opening read. It really doesn't matter if our addiction is to food, drugs, alcohol, or the addicts in our lives. The message is the same: addicts of all types use their substance of choice to avoid intimacy in their lives.

hopeangel

this is really really good fdm! thanks

SaTiT

kind of reminds of a story i read in a codi book..

it's about navigation.
When you set out on a journey of life using a compass.
If you're only couple of degree off at first . it's not that bad if you
don't travel a long distance..but the further you travel with the
compass setting being off a little bit...you'll be way, way off.
that's like going back to my childhood and looking at my real pain
and make some proper adjustments.

but i have to just add my thing in..lol
the earth magnetic fields is different in veriouse parts of the world.
anyway, even if you did set your compass correctly to begin with ..
you'll still be way off. You have to constanly adjust you're compass
depending on what part of the world or journey you're at...
Life is like that sometimes....

okay..it's was like this for me...my compass was wacked to begin with
and i didn't know better to make those litte adjustments during the journey.

I know now..but gee wizzz man..someone should had told me a long time
ago..like my parents...oh yeah, they where the people that gave me
the wacked out compass to begin with.lol

Rella927

SaTit! Love this! Can so relate to that!

FD thank you for this post! This book I missed sounds very intriguing!

minnie

Indeedy. So often I hear peoples shares, whether on here or in person, and that is the subtle subtext. And the one below that is fear.

un4gvn acts

This is exactly what I needed to read tonight! Thank you!

denny57

Thanks for posting these, FD. I know for me, working on losing the shame has been key in my recovery. I have a long way to go, but it seems like every day I can see some growth.

FormerDoormat

Yes, fear. Fear of removing the masks we wear in public and showing our real selves--not just the part of ourselves that people like and society finds acceptable--but our complete selves. The good, the bad, the ugly, our strengths, and our weaknesses.

How often in our lives have we found the courage to show our true selves, to speak what's in our heart, to share our truths as we see them, only to be told we're not acceptable the way we are?

Healing begins when we learn not to care what others think about us. Healing begins when we start to believe that we're good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and nice enough. Recovery is achieved when we know, despite what others claim, that we are enough. Good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and nice enough and nothing anybody says or does will convince us otherwise, for we know the truth about ourselves and we like what we see.