bandolier

My AS remains in jail until the 23rd. Continue to wrestle with letting him come home or not. This time we will not visit, put money on the books or set up the phone to recieve calls from jail. It has been 10 days now and I am really struggling with the no phone part, I almost set up the phone today. Am I doing whats right, whats best for him,I want it to be really hard and unpleasant so that maybe he won't want to go back again. It is very difficult to abandon your own child.

raerae6

Hello, sorry to hear about your son. Don't worry about not putting money on his books. He will get 3 meals a day and he can go without a phone call for a few weeks. He will still get to write letters though, so you will still get to hear from him.

It may be that if he's left alone for a while, he might think more about his life and decide that he wants to change. There is a lot of time for that in jail...there's not much else to do but think.

I looked at your other post and saw that you said there is no available halfway house for him when he gets out? If you keep checking, maybe an opening will turn up somewhere...

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. (((hope everything gets better)))

dollydo

Yes, you are doing whats right, for him and you both. He has to accept responsibility for his actions.

He can write you. Let him sit and re-evaluate his bad choices,it maybe his turning point.

lostparent

I agree has hard as it is your doing the right thing for him..

Nitelite

(((bandolier)))
You are not abandoning him. You are allowing him to learn. I should talk: if it had been up to me, I would still have my kids' training wheels on their bikes — and they are in their 20s!
You are giving him what he needs...

BigSis

Hey Bandolier...

What I know today about boundaries is that they have to be for ME. Do YOU want calls from him? If so, then set up the phone permission. If not (if you don't want to listen to the begging and quacking), then no is a good answer... for YOU.

I tried to set up boundaries initially to "get my daughter to.... [fill in the blank]" Those things failed miserably... especially because I would go into them, then, with an expectation... and when that expectation was not met (and it mostly was not), then I ended up with a resentment.

And resentments hurt me, not my child. They make ME miserable and angry. They make ME walk through the world with a chip on my shoulder.

While my daughter was off partying and enjoying herself.

So... I am glad he is in jail, but think about how YOU feel about the phone in order to decide what you do about it.

As far as coming home... why would you? He is 20 years old, and most 20 year olds are out on their own, earning a living and supporting themselves.

And I say that remembering FULL WELL how young my babies were - both chronilogically and emotionally - when we kicked each of them out of our home at different times.

Both "sofa surfed" initially, then started burning through helpful friends. It took burning through those friends for them to decide 1. that family wasn't SO terrible and 2. that rehab was looking better all the time and 3. that working to support yourself is far more difficult than they imagined.

It was very hard for me to watch, as well. Both kids ended up with legal stuff and jail time or threats of jail time before they made different choices in their lives.

The thing that helped me most during those days... and in many days that followed, was lots and lots and LOTS of Alanon meetings.

I wish you the best.

notsleepingwell

It's sooo hard to know what to do isn't it? My daughter went to jail for a w/e...lol. Well, I thought it was going to be longer than that, and so when I found out ,because my phone is through the cable, I couldn't receive collect calls, I fussed all w/e trying to get the phone serice changed, willing to pay extra...etc., etc.

Well, after much fuss, she called and was released the Monday, only having been in for 3 days, and I found out later, she was able to call the boyfriend..(who doesn't have a cell phone or fixed address). So all my scrambling around, because she would have no one to talk to.....HA!

Anyway, you will do whatever is right for you. I had decided that perhaps it would be better next time...no calls, but I would visit.

Whatever you decide is the right decision for YOU!! No one, can tell you what you can live with.

Hugs!!!


P.S. I don't think it is abandoning!!! I think it's cutting the cord!! LOL.
take what you want.....etc

sun daisy

Our son has been in jail 2 times total of 15 months. Sent money once a month, talked for awhile on phone, then said for him to write. Interesting to reread the letters as time went on. Not so hostile, more gee Im sorry and cannt wait to get out. Have decided this time, no money no phone, if it ever happens again. All they can get is junk food and sweets. And the other stuff is so over priced. Some one is making money off of the parents or who ever is sending money. The final straw was when he got out the last time, he had white supremist tatoos on the underside of each arm. Dad was not happy. Now your stuck with them. I dont think I would hire you if I saw them, he tells him. I asked him how he paid for the tatoos and it was stuff from the cantine at the jail. Which meant that I had paid for them. Every time I see them I could chew nails. We didnt raise him to be that way. And I'm still upset with him.

caileesnana

I feel for you. It is hard. I left my daughter in jail 7 days. She got out after pleading quility to shoplifting and went right back to the creeps she was with! SHe didn't learn a thing, except to this day she will say she never wants to go back to jail. Just words, but it made an impression on even her!

I don't think you are abandoning your son. He is paying the price for his actions, not yours.
God bless you
susan

mooselips

If you want to hear from him, send him envelopes.
Those collect calls cost a zillion dollars.

My oldest made money by learning how to make tattoos while in prison.
(Sure hope he didn't do any White Supremacist ones!)

The last time, I sent envelopes, it was his third time in.
Although I did buy him new tennis shoes from online.

Hugs from one mom to another.

marle

In March I let my AD call me collect from her motel room. Boy was I shocked when I got the phone bill. One call was for 67 minutes and cost me over $100. All she did was spend the time dumping on me about how abusive her abf is. She is still with him and I am out the money. No more collect calls and if she is ever arrested, I have decided when they ask will I accept the call, I will say NO. Hugs, Marle

rozied

Dear Band, My AS is also sitting in jail right now. This is the 17th time he has been arrested. He has spent the better part of the last 6 yrs in jail. Phone calls from jail are very very expensive. I KNOW its hard to let them sit but it is really the only thing to do. I have a collect block on my phone so he has been calling his brother & today we are putting a collect block on his phone also. My AS after cheating my parents out of money is asking them to get him a tv. There is no way my parents are going to do this. We have helped my AS o0ver & over & believe me nothing has ever helped. If money could have saved him he would be alright now. The only thing not tried is cutting him loose & we r doing that now. I love my son with my whole heart but helping him is out of the question. If my AS has any hope of beating this he must do it all by himself.
By the way my AS is now 40 yrs old. I KNOW if my elderly parents had not helped him for sooo many yrs we would not be going through this now. Also the older they get & the longer this goes on........the worse it gets for everyone. For my AS to straighten out now will be much harder than it would have been even 5 yrs ago. He has no drivers license, is a convicted felon & has lost his children. If you really want to help your son leave him sit & think about how to help himself.
I say this as one brokenhearted mother to another, and with much love.
Diane
I will keep your son & your family in my prayers.

raerae6

I'd be mad, too! I bet he changes his mind and gets those covered up someday...
Jail and prison are very racially segregated. Maybe he did that to fit in.

When my ex was in jail I think he used some of the $$ I sent him to gamble. I mean that he would buy snacks and then gamble with that. Candy bars and stuff are used as currency in jail. At least he paid me back when he came home. They really don't need $$ in jail. Maybe a little for toiletries or stamps and envelopes if they want to write alot...

My ex would write and say, "There is nothing to eat here!" I sent him $$, not that much though. Funny thing is when he came out he had gained weight!!!! And he is one of those skinny guys who does not gain easily! So how was he starving so badly? That is aprt of the reason I know he was gambling.

Another reason to not put much money on the books is that believe me there are drugs and alcohol available in jail and even more so in prison!