Why am I holding on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Why am I holding on
Browsing these boards today and thought I would post here.
It amazes me how quickly (if we allow ourselves) we can fall back into chaotic reacting patterns. How we can get swept back up in the "hope" that they will change- or we can at least wade around in, not ready to take the next step.
I keep wondering why I am holding on to my relationship with abf. I find myself one moment saying that I will not tolerate this again- but the next I am feeling frantic that I will lose him.
It really boggles my mind.
Will I ever really be able to trust him again? Not unless a miracle happens I suppose. So what am I doing?
Sometimes I can detach and live my own life, but other times I falter and fall back into obsessing and controlling and the crazymaking.
To some degree I feel like I am still in denial about the reality of the situation. It's too harsh to internalize I suppose?
Suppose if I knew MORE of the truth about the situation- it's severity- if maybe I had MORE evidence of the lies and manipulation- maybe then I could feel stronger?
Sad and pathetic as it may be- it kills to imagine a future without him. The pain of moving on seems so great.
I just can't understand how I can cling to a relationship that so clearly has become toxic.
It amazes me how quickly (if we allow ourselves) we can fall back into chaotic reacting patterns. How we can get swept back up in the "hope" that they will change- or we can at least wade around in, not ready to take the next step.
I keep wondering why I am holding on to my relationship with abf. I find myself one moment saying that I will not tolerate this again- but the next I am feeling frantic that I will lose him.
It really boggles my mind.
Will I ever really be able to trust him again? Not unless a miracle happens I suppose. So what am I doing?
Sometimes I can detach and live my own life, but other times I falter and fall back into obsessing and controlling and the crazymaking.
To some degree I feel like I am still in denial about the reality of the situation. It's too harsh to internalize I suppose?
Suppose if I knew MORE of the truth about the situation- it's severity- if maybe I had MORE evidence of the lies and manipulation- maybe then I could feel stronger?
Sad and pathetic as it may be- it kills to imagine a future without him. The pain of moving on seems so great.
I just can't understand how I can cling to a relationship that so clearly has become toxic.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
It's called codependency, and you've got it. The addict is addicted to his booze and you are addicted to the addict. When you have that strong yearning to have him back, it's just like the addict falling off the wagon and picking up again.
You didn't mention if you've given Al-anon a try. It's a good place to start because you'll meet people who have gone through similar situations. It will also place the focus on you and help you sort out why you go back. And, no, it wouldn't matter how badly he treated you, if you wanted to stay you would probably minimize what he was doing. I assume you're already doing that to some degree.
The pain of moving on IS great. Perhaps that's why you stay. Better to have someone than no one. However, there are plenty of good men out there that you are missing the opportunity to meet as long as you hang onto the addict. Perhaps it would be healthier for both of you if you moved on. Yes, there is pain associated with it, but NOTHING - even pain - lasts forever.
By finding out why you stay in a "toxic" relationship, you'll stand a good chance of having future relationships that are good for you. Wouldn't you rather have that?
You didn't mention if you've given Al-anon a try. It's a good place to start because you'll meet people who have gone through similar situations. It will also place the focus on you and help you sort out why you go back. And, no, it wouldn't matter how badly he treated you, if you wanted to stay you would probably minimize what he was doing. I assume you're already doing that to some degree.
The pain of moving on IS great. Perhaps that's why you stay. Better to have someone than no one. However, there are plenty of good men out there that you are missing the opportunity to meet as long as you hang onto the addict. Perhaps it would be healthier for both of you if you moved on. Yes, there is pain associated with it, but NOTHING - even pain - lasts forever.
By finding out why you stay in a "toxic" relationship, you'll stand a good chance of having future relationships that are good for you. Wouldn't you rather have that?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by prodigal 
The pain of moving on IS great. Perhaps that's why you stay. Better to have someone than no one. However, there are plenty of good men out there that you are missing the opportunity to meet as long as you hang onto the addict. Perhaps it would be healthier for both of you if you moved on. Yes, there is pain associated with it, but NOTHING - even pain - lasts forever.
i can't tell you how many times i thought i moved on, only to get a phone call that sucked me back in again. i believed every lie (my ex might have even believed them too while she was saying them) and i kept literally getting sucked back in and spit out. i thought losing her would be the end of me, but i'm so happy right now, meeting new people and just enjoying being alive.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
((((HK))))) I know exactly how you feel - I was at the same point when I began posting here in February....that feeling of not being willing to tolerate any more of his crap, followed by the frantic thought of losing him....it definitely causes us to minimize the severity of the situation....I am so sorry you are going through this. I KNOW how terribly hard it is....and it is so scary to break away.
It has been 6 weeks this weekend since i have seen by XAF. There has been a lot of pain and heartache along with "aha" moments of clarity...when you step away and get some perspective, you will be surprised what you see...it is not easy but I continue to put one foot in front of the other confident that as long as he continues to drink, our relationship has no chance of working - I would end up losing him anyway. So, my leaving will either be the catalyst for change or he will continue on his downward trek. Either way I will be better off for this decision. I just need to be reminded of that pretty much constantly at this point. That's where this board comes in - it has been my salvation in so many weak moments...
You will be in my thoughts and prayers....
It has been 6 weeks this weekend since i have seen by XAF. There has been a lot of pain and heartache along with "aha" moments of clarity...when you step away and get some perspective, you will be surprised what you see...it is not easy but I continue to put one foot in front of the other confident that as long as he continues to drink, our relationship has no chance of working - I would end up losing him anyway. So, my leaving will either be the catalyst for change or he will continue on his downward trek. Either way I will be better off for this decision. I just need to be reminded of that pretty much constantly at this point. That's where this board comes in - it has been my salvation in so many weak moments...
You will be in my thoughts and prayers....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know how they say alcoholism is an elevator going down all the way to hell, and only the alcoholic can decide what floor s/he wants to get off on?
I think it's the same thing with codependency.
Be kind to yourself. When you are ready, you'll get off the elevator. I'm still on it; I'm not ready to get off, and there's no shame in that. Work on your own recovery. Build your strength, your faith in yourself, and the panic of imagining life without him will get smaller and smaller.
I'm not scared of life without AH anymore. I'm still in the relationship because I still have hope that he'll get off his elevator. And as long as I have that hope, I can't get off.
I fired my counselor over this issue. He was constantly pounding on how I needed to leave. I kept saying "I'm not ready to." And at the end, it dawned on me that I was exchanging AH's influence for the counselor's influence. And neither one of them is me. And until I get to a point where I am ready to get off my codie elevator, I'll be on it.
That might not be smart, or right, or healthy, or wise -- but at least I know it's me making my decisions about my life.
I think it's the same thing with codependency.
Be kind to yourself. When you are ready, you'll get off the elevator. I'm still on it; I'm not ready to get off, and there's no shame in that. Work on your own recovery. Build your strength, your faith in yourself, and the panic of imagining life without him will get smaller and smaller.
I'm not scared of life without AH anymore. I'm still in the relationship because I still have hope that he'll get off his elevator. And as long as I have that hope, I can't get off.
I fired my counselor over this issue. He was constantly pounding on how I needed to leave. I kept saying "I'm not ready to." And at the end, it dawned on me that I was exchanging AH's influence for the counselor's influence. And neither one of them is me. And until I get to a point where I am ready to get off my codie elevator, I'll be on it.
That might not be smart, or right, or healthy, or wise -- but at least I know it's me making my decisions about my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posts: 29
I would love to know. We did great after no contact and then I seemed somehow to forget all that I had learned here. Noe I am back in this same place a year later trying to figure it out. Why cant he stop hiding when it gets bad. Why cant I just walk away I did it before. I think it is the reality of the sadness that I know in my hear this will always happen he will be fine and then chaos. I feel you I will pray for us both
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