anyone ever feel like this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
anyone ever feel like this
my AH is in rehab................good for him
But honestly I feel like its more of a break for him and each time I talk to him I feel more and more like he's just in his own little world with no concern for anyone else
not unlike when hes on drugs............so wheres the improvement?
Plus do you know how they get before the use, where they start finding fault in you and act as if you are the one thats wrong? Well it seems that mine is still in this mode, but worse hes not finding fault really he seems detached and treats me like some stranger talks to me about casual stuff only and at the end of a call thanks me...........like I am some casual friend or extended family member or something.
I dont know right now I am still going from one extreme to another........anger confusion sadness guilt ........................I just hate all of this and so wish it was never a part of my life
But honestly I feel like its more of a break for him and each time I talk to him I feel more and more like he's just in his own little world with no concern for anyone else
not unlike when hes on drugs............so wheres the improvement?
Plus do you know how they get before the use, where they start finding fault in you and act as if you are the one thats wrong? Well it seems that mine is still in this mode, but worse hes not finding fault really he seems detached and treats me like some stranger talks to me about casual stuff only and at the end of a call thanks me...........like I am some casual friend or extended family member or something.
I dont know right now I am still going from one extreme to another........anger confusion sadness guilt ........................I just hate all of this and so wish it was never a part of my life
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I just said this in another post, but a lot of what the addict says and does to us is a reflection of themselves.......or how they see themselves. They are selfish and seemingly self centered. Everything is all about them. I also stated that it was my opinion that clean time doesn't constitue recovery. Some will go into a program because they really want it and some will just scoot through it because they have no choice. I believe the difference would be seen in their actions more than anything.
You have nothing to feel guilty about sweetpea. You just keep focusing on yourself and try not to let what your AH says to you break you down. I know it's hard......and we tend to take it personally, but his actions............well, they're about him, not you. And not that it matters what I think, but I think you're great.
Hugs
Kris
You have nothing to feel guilty about sweetpea. You just keep focusing on yourself and try not to let what your AH says to you break you down. I know it's hard......and we tend to take it personally, but his actions............well, they're about him, not you. And not that it matters what I think, but I think you're great.
Hugs
Kris
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 58
When my ab/f was in rehab, I though that in about a week he would be, again, the
man I fell in love with because the drugs were out of his system. Nope, it didn't
happen. He was also on meds from rehab and he told me that they had to be
readjusted. He was a man that could drive across state without a map and now
he was getting lost in a small hallway in rehab.
Every week there were little changes that he was getting back to himself.
At the end of the first month he was actually laughing. The second month was
even better but he did not like to talk on the phone or call much.
The third month was awesome. But still not communicating.
But..I hate to tell you this but my guy relapsed.
He did not go to enough mtgs.
I know each person is different. This is how it was when my A. went to rehab for
crack.
man I fell in love with because the drugs were out of his system. Nope, it didn't
happen. He was also on meds from rehab and he told me that they had to be
readjusted. He was a man that could drive across state without a map and now
he was getting lost in a small hallway in rehab.
Every week there were little changes that he was getting back to himself.
At the end of the first month he was actually laughing. The second month was
even better but he did not like to talk on the phone or call much.
The third month was awesome. But still not communicating.
But..I hate to tell you this but my guy relapsed.
He did not go to enough mtgs.
I know each person is different. This is how it was when my A. went to rehab for
crack.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
But honestly I feel like its more of a break for him and each time I talk to him I feel more and more like he's just in his own little world with no concern for anyone else
My AH always detached first 4 weeks of any program and then starting coming around, however all and all it never lasted. Thats why its so important to focus on you.
FOr all intents and purposes it appears like my AH hasnt used in over amonth, but he hasnt done anything else either. He doesnt work, gets leftover pizza from papa Johns dumpster and has become accustomed to no power. I still wonder what happened to the man who made $1000 a week and loved to work. All in all, its obvious hes not ready for any changes, but it takes me to the same emotional extremes as what your going through
Try to focus on you, detach from him, any part of it whether it be his coldness, distance ect. He's experiencing lots of emotions now himself as mentally the emotional ups and downs is horrible for about 6 weeks. He can in no way be there for anyone besides himself. I pray he gets through it and starts having a life as sadly many do not
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Liesagain, It seems even when they have some clean time they are still very dysfunctional. They are so used to living that way that it is all they know. I think it take a long time to make changes. He could be acting a little strange if they have him on any type of meds. Remember he is not the same as when he went in. I hate the fact to that they get away, have meals brought to them, don't work. We have to keep on going as hard as it was before and deal with them on top of it. I don't know what it is like to have a AH but it is also tough having an AD. All the same I wish you didn't have to go through this either.........I hate addiction.
Prayers for you...........Lo
Prayers for you...........Lo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
he calls me.................the treatment center hes in has them living in condo type rooms and they have phone access until 11pm...............they can have incoming calls and he gave me the # but I have not called him............why do you ask?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Let's face it, it does suck to have addict in our life. The disease hijacks their personality and creates a selfish self-absorbed alienated person who we don't even know. we miss the person they use to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
I've heard the expression 'dry drunk'...I think it means a drinker who has stopped drinking but still has the characteristics of an alcoholic.
I haven't heard of a similar expression for drug abusers who stop, but I have noticed that sometimes when they quit, especially if they are not working a program or aren't that far into a program yet, then they seem to kind of still have the same attitudes.
I haven't heard of a similar expression for drug abusers who stop, but I have noticed that sometimes when they quit, especially if they are not working a program or aren't that far into a program yet, then they seem to kind of still have the same attitudes.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
When using and addicts priorities seem to be -
1. Drugs
2. Self
3. All other relationships
In recovery they need to be -
1. Sobriety
2. Self
3. All other relationships
Often times, while still using they believe that without the drugs... they want to die. So they put the drugs above every other need and above us.
In recovery, they know that without the recovery... they want to die. So the most successful put the recovery above every other need and above us.
Without the recovery, the choice is drugs or death. I don't want that for my loved one.
What *I* can do is find a recovery meeting for ME. To find out MY part in the dance of addiction... because what I know from experience is that some of the MOST difficult times come after they get sober.
Are you going to meetings? Your post sounds frustrated and unhappy. I found that meetings helped me with those feelings and with meeting needs I could not get from my addicted loved ones.
((hugs))
1. Drugs
2. Self
3. All other relationships
In recovery they need to be -
1. Sobriety
2. Self
3. All other relationships
Often times, while still using they believe that without the drugs... they want to die. So they put the drugs above every other need and above us.
In recovery, they know that without the recovery... they want to die. So the most successful put the recovery above every other need and above us.
Without the recovery, the choice is drugs or death. I don't want that for my loved one.
What *I* can do is find a recovery meeting for ME. To find out MY part in the dance of addiction... because what I know from experience is that some of the MOST difficult times come after they get sober.
Are you going to meetings? Your post sounds frustrated and unhappy. I found that meetings helped me with those feelings and with meeting needs I could not get from my addicted loved ones.
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Big Sis............
I spoke with him last night and thats exactly what he told me..............that he doesnt know whats wrong with him but that he knows he feels empty even with all he has in his life and that he feel like it would be better to die rather than continue to use that this is his last hope.............
and he said that when hes does use all he wants to do is die because he just "knew" he'd never use again but he continues to do it................even though he says its the last thing he "wanted"
But yes I am frustrated and sad and have no idea how I let my life come to this........
how I allowed myself to fall in love and build my life with someone who cant love himself let alone me................and why even with all of this and everything hes done I still want to be with him, why when hes distant I feel a sense of panic and want nothing more than for everything to be ok again.........but it wont be ok and I'm afraid that I may have never even really known him at all..............
I said that to him last night too........that I worry that I dont know him at all, after all these years is/was our whole life alie..........
And he said" you don't know me, I dont even know me"
yes, I have considered the meetings........looked up times.............
there one nar-anon meeting in town one night a week, theres one families anon meeting one night a week.......then theres alanon ............I am going to go to one.........
last night I dug out the codepend no more book and started to read it.............and I restarted a journal
I'm trying to begin to take care of me not out of a desire to do so more out of necessity because I am finding that I feel worse as each day passes.............
Thanks for your reply and support
I spoke with him last night and thats exactly what he told me..............that he doesnt know whats wrong with him but that he knows he feels empty even with all he has in his life and that he feel like it would be better to die rather than continue to use that this is his last hope.............
and he said that when hes does use all he wants to do is die because he just "knew" he'd never use again but he continues to do it................even though he says its the last thing he "wanted"
But yes I am frustrated and sad and have no idea how I let my life come to this........
how I allowed myself to fall in love and build my life with someone who cant love himself let alone me................and why even with all of this and everything hes done I still want to be with him, why when hes distant I feel a sense of panic and want nothing more than for everything to be ok again.........but it wont be ok and I'm afraid that I may have never even really known him at all..............
I said that to him last night too........that I worry that I dont know him at all, after all these years is/was our whole life alie..........
And he said" you don't know me, I dont even know me"
yes, I have considered the meetings........looked up times.............
there one nar-anon meeting in town one night a week, theres one families anon meeting one night a week.......then theres alanon ............I am going to go to one.........
last night I dug out the codepend no more book and started to read it.............and I restarted a journal
I'm trying to begin to take care of me not out of a desire to do so more out of necessity because I am finding that I feel worse as each day passes.............
Thanks for your reply and support
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
How long has your A been in rehab? Mine has been in for a bit over 3 weeks and this is his third time in four years. The first time was for two weeks, the second time was for six months, and this time is for 30 days. Speaking from experience from the 6 mos. stint, my AH said it took him at least a month to start feeling"normal" again. My AH does not have phone priveledges so I basically speak to him once a week, but it does get better. He is still up and down, responsive then dead, then pissed and then hopeful.
And ya know what? None of it has anything to do with me. My AH is not welcome to come back to my home anytime soon. Partly because of his awful behavior before the rehab, but mostly because we both know it's time to change how we do this. He's always come home and it's always ended back here again. I do love my AH but I need time now to improve my own life (I've been living hell the past year) and if he's gonna get sober he's gotta do it on his own...for the first time I feel ok with this decision. I really don't want him around until he's proved to himself that he wants sobriety.
It just sounds like your AH is really new in recovery and to be honest, I think you need to let him go and back off. If he is thinking about you or how to respond to you then he is not thinking on his recovery. That old adage of if you love something let it go if it comes back it's meant to be...it's true in this case. See if we codies don't change too, as much or more than the addict, then the relationship is still sick. That's why my AH isn't coming home...I've GOT to learn how to deal with this differently.
Said with love and respect and understanding. Hugs!
And ya know what? None of it has anything to do with me. My AH is not welcome to come back to my home anytime soon. Partly because of his awful behavior before the rehab, but mostly because we both know it's time to change how we do this. He's always come home and it's always ended back here again. I do love my AH but I need time now to improve my own life (I've been living hell the past year) and if he's gonna get sober he's gotta do it on his own...for the first time I feel ok with this decision. I really don't want him around until he's proved to himself that he wants sobriety.
It just sounds like your AH is really new in recovery and to be honest, I think you need to let him go and back off. If he is thinking about you or how to respond to you then he is not thinking on his recovery. That old adage of if you love something let it go if it comes back it's meant to be...it's true in this case. See if we codies don't change too, as much or more than the addict, then the relationship is still sick. That's why my AH isn't coming home...I've GOT to learn how to deal with this differently.
Said with love and respect and understanding. Hugs!
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 58
My A. said that when he went in rehab before - he started feeling like himself in
3 to 4 mths.
He went into VA Rehab in March. They give the guys (and gals) 14 days.
Their aftercare consists of a phone contact once a week. And if you're a good
boy and call them once a week - you get a Home Depot Gift Card.
He relapsed 68 days later.
3 to 4 mths.
He went into VA Rehab in March. They give the guys (and gals) 14 days.
Their aftercare consists of a phone contact once a week. And if you're a good
boy and call them once a week - you get a Home Depot Gift Card.
He relapsed 68 days later.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
meggiestar.........my AH isnt really new to recovery just new this time around.
He had many years clean actually but has returned to his addiction full force
the rehab hes in is suppose to be one of the best in the country........expecially in relapses
and AH says he knows this is his last hope.......from that dead empty feeling inside so lets hope he does the work needed.
I honestly feel better today, between the book (co depend no more) and SR and the meeting I am beginning to see that I really need to make changes............
and I think that its time for me to let go of my hopes and dreams and remove myself from the pain ............and I am beginning to accept that we may never be and saddly maybe we never really were
But I do know that my anxiety for him, and My fears and my need to fix him to fix us.....is misguided
SO today I tried to focus on me........and today I feel hope for him( how strange is that?)
thank you to everyone whos been so patient with me and so helpful.............it sucks to always be so in control and suddenly fine that you ARE not in control of anything not even your own emotions............
He had many years clean actually but has returned to his addiction full force
the rehab hes in is suppose to be one of the best in the country........expecially in relapses
and AH says he knows this is his last hope.......from that dead empty feeling inside so lets hope he does the work needed.
I honestly feel better today, between the book (co depend no more) and SR and the meeting I am beginning to see that I really need to make changes............
and I think that its time for me to let go of my hopes and dreams and remove myself from the pain ............and I am beginning to accept that we may never be and saddly maybe we never really were
But I do know that my anxiety for him, and My fears and my need to fix him to fix us.....is misguided
SO today I tried to focus on me........and today I feel hope for him( how strange is that?)
thank you to everyone whos been so patient with me and so helpful.............it sucks to always be so in control and suddenly fine that you ARE not in control of anything not even your own emotions............
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
Lies~ i miss my ra very much. it is hard for me to see all the wonderful things about him and he can see no goodness in himself. he can't understand why i love him when he can't even love himself. My ra has been clean since Oct/nov and is still at a loss of self and he is getting stronger and better each day.
i have learned that I can bot do this alone. i have been going to meetings since nov/dec searching for something. i found support, kindness and love at my meetings and here at SR. i have made friends from all over the world. but in my quest for understanding i have realized that i am as sick as my ra is and i need to work on my recovery in order to surive. I have gotten myself a sponsor (and i'm so thankful for her) and she is guiding me through the steps. i have alot of work ahead of me towards my recovery and knowing that it relieves me from worring about his recovery and his program. i am happier today with a program and step work than i have ever been in my life.
pm me if you ever need to talk
with love and understanding
i have learned that I can bot do this alone. i have been going to meetings since nov/dec searching for something. i found support, kindness and love at my meetings and here at SR. i have made friends from all over the world. but in my quest for understanding i have realized that i am as sick as my ra is and i need to work on my recovery in order to surive. I have gotten myself a sponsor (and i'm so thankful for her) and she is guiding me through the steps. i have alot of work ahead of me towards my recovery and knowing that it relieves me from worring about his recovery and his program. i am happier today with a program and step work than i have ever been in my life.
pm me if you ever need to talk
with love and understanding
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Thanks Polly..................Tonight I went to a CODA ( is that how you spell it?) meeting
and this meeting was really good..............so strange how everything they said sounded just like me.......what does that mean? Well I am slowly discovering that it means that its not only my AH that has issues to work on its ME too
I also re-read Co depend no more.........read it last year but didnt think much except I'm controlling .......but this time it seemed so much more real for me, maybe because I can see these things more clearly with AH gone and time to just look at me or maybe its from all that I have gone thru this year...............brought out more or the traits, I'm not sure but either way I am grateful............and beginning to understand the things people here have been saying all along!!
Thank you for your reply
and this meeting was really good..............so strange how everything they said sounded just like me.......what does that mean? Well I am slowly discovering that it means that its not only my AH that has issues to work on its ME too
I also re-read Co depend no more.........read it last year but didnt think much except I'm controlling .......but this time it seemed so much more real for me, maybe because I can see these things more clearly with AH gone and time to just look at me or maybe its from all that I have gone thru this year...............brought out more or the traits, I'm not sure but either way I am grateful............and beginning to understand the things people here have been saying all along!!
Thank you for your reply
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