Paranoia setting in

Old 05-13-2003, 10:26 AM
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Paranoia setting in

Okay gang.. I don't expect any answers I just need to get out whats bugging me.
As you may know I left my ex last September and moved 2000 miles away with our kids. Due to the distance they haven't seen their Dad since we left, but in our agreement he gets them for 6 weeks every summer. The oldest 2, my daughter 13 and son 10 will be leaving on the 30th of June to go see him. At the time of our separation he had been in AA for about 4 months and vowed he was a changed man.. yeah, sure. Once I was out the door so was AA, but I expected that as he was already drinking behind my back.
I've had several conversations with a girlfriend back in Alberta, her 2 kids are my kids best friends and she's told me his drinking is just as out of control as before. In fact my ex is bringing her kids on the 2 1/2 hr trip to the airport to pick up my son and daughter, nice sentiment, but I think in truth he's petrified of being alone with his kids.
A little background, his job in the oil industry kept him away from us practically for the entire lives of our children. By his choice, he was always available to stay and work for his week off, therefore stretching his 2 weeks away to 5, 7, 10 and yes at one point he was gone for 13 weeks. He claimed it was for the money, to give us a better life, but even with the incredible amounts of $4000 - $6000 every two weeks we always seemed to live paycheck to paycheck??? Duh! you think I would have figured it out sooner, yeah I covered the bills, kept food in the house, clothed the kids, but I was very frugal and couldn't believe the sums of money he supposedly had to spend for hotels, food and gas. Coincidently this pattern of being away longer and longer occured when the kids were very young and instead of coming home from work after his 2 weeks, went on a 2 day drunk, no calls to let me know where he was, showed up at supper time on the 2nd day and in his oh so charming way tried raping me infront of the kids.
Ok, so now you know what I mean about him being petrified of his kids, he really doesn't know how to relate to them, even in the short times he was home intermittantly thru their lives he didn't have much to do with them. He was home for sex, meals and large bouts of sleep infront of the TV, if the kids were noisey or interupted him, quite often they were yelled at and told to leave him alone.
Flash forward to him starting his AA program last spring, not his idea, our marriage counselor in one of our sessions in the 3 years before I left for good had asked him if, since he vowed he didn't have a drinking problem, he could go for 12 months without a drink. He laughed, why would I do that, I don't have a problem. So she responded, if you don't have a problem why can't you go without for a year? So then she asked if he could go without for 6 months. He hesitated then reluctantly agreed to 6 months, she told him should he find that it wasn't as easy as he thought he could find support thru an AA group and gave him the info for our area. He thought it was halarious on the way home, but it wasn't long before he was attending AA meetings and not long before he was 13 stepping either(he LOVES women, especially needy women). Making this into a book, aren't I?
Anyway, he's been back to his regular ways for the past 8 months. He's just rented a house with the buddy he's been sharing an apartment with because he can't have kids at the apartment. Ironically the buddy he lives with is the same buddy who managed to get him to AA, neither one of them go anymore and both started drinking again at roughly the same time.
My ex is a binge drinker, never got into any trouble with the law over it, no record, so inspite of the temptation to deny him access I have no legal ground to do so. So what I'm worried about is that once he's had the kids there long enough for the novelty to wear off, for both him and the kids, and he realizes that raising them day in and day out on his own isn't as easy as he always told me I had it that he'll go on a binge. I know my girlfriend will keep an eye on them for me, which eases my mind a little and should anything happen she'll take them straight to her house. So I guess my real worry is what will it do to the kids because they really never saw any of it. Sure he sat them down and told them all about AA when he started going and apologized to them for being the way he was, but I'm sure that confused them too, his drinking was never done around them anyway. I know I'm probably jumping the gun, that maybe it won't happen at all, but with two alcoholics in one house I think it doubles the possibility.
So should I have a talk with the kids before they go? and if I do, how do I go about starting a conversation like that? I don't want them feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around their dad, because they shouldn't. But in case it happens that he goes on a binge during the 6 weeks I don't want them blind sided either. I'm just lost on this one, I know I should "Let go and let God", but they're my kids, I worry about them.
Thanks for letting me ramble on, I just needed to vent a little and maybe write down all the things spinning in my head so I can read it back and put it in perspective.
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Old 05-13-2003, 11:40 AM
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Hi Misty,

First of all, I do not think you're paranoid. You have every reason to be concerned about your kids being so far away for so long with a dad who may binge drink while they're there.

Your kids may already understand more than you think. It might be helpful to sit them down and explain to them that he has a problem, let them know that you're just not sure how well he's doing these things, and to be sure to call you or your girlfriend if anything happens.

I'm sure other moms will have better input. Your concern is valid and I hope things turn out ok.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 05-13-2003, 11:56 AM
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MystyDreamer,

I have to agree, you definately have a ligitmate reason to be concerned. I too think that your children probobaly know more than you think they do. At their ages, I would think that it would be possible to discuss your concerns that their father has made some bad decisions (all adults do) and that drinking too much is one of them. Give them your friends number so if they should feel threatned or that the situation is out of control they could call and get her to remove them from the situation.

I have talked with my oldest (soon to be 12 year old) about the dangers of drinking including other adults caring for him. He recognizes when someone has had too much to drink and would call another adult or me.

Hope I haven't overstepped my bounds, but I only am saying how I see it. YOU know your children and YOU know what is best for them.

Constant
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Old 05-13-2003, 12:24 PM
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Thanks JG and constant for reading my ramble and for your understanding and input. You're both right, my kids more then likely understand more then I give them credit for and with everything they've gone thru are older then their years. I know it's best to sit them down and share with them some things they need to know before they go. I just need to find a way to break into it. Other then asking them how their Dad is doing when he calls them, we don't talk much about him. I'm afraid my anger towards him would colour my attitude and what might pop out wouldn't be nice, so I stay away from the subject with my kids. He is after all the father of my children and they love him, as they should. They do already know that if anything happens and they need someone, to call my g/f and she'll be there on the double. I guess the most frightening part for me is that they'll be so far away, obviously I've never been away from them for very long and never with this much distance. I guess I'd better be prepared for some heftly long distance bills this summer and who knows, they could be back sooner then expected? I don't as of yet have the exact time for their return flight Aug. 11th, (ex never seems to remember when I talk to him) which kind of leads me to believe the return is open.
Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts and reassurance that I'm not paranoid.
Mysty
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Old 05-13-2003, 03:56 PM
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You aren't paranoid

Your concerns are very legitimate. My ex-A is no longer allowed to spend time with our son when I have the slightest indication that drinking is going on. I feel that my son is not safe with his father when said father is drinking. Those are the rules I established after the last binge. So far, ex-A is healthy and sober after spending some time in rehab. But if I ever get clue one that he is drinking again, he will not spend time with the boy. Those are my rules and I feel good about them. I hope this summer works out for your kids. Maybe you can work something out with your oldest to check in with you and let you know how their Dad is doing.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 05-14-2003, 07:27 AM
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Exclamation Wow!

MystyDreamer,

The first thing that came to my mind is WOW! I feel for you, I really do. I can appreciate how hard this must be for you and my philosophy as far as my own kids are concerned is to go with your gut instinct. This is just my personal opinion but I think it is wise to let your children know what situation that they might be put in and how to handle it. You are just helping them help themselves. Maybe you can just tell them in a way that doesn't seem like you are attacking their father (I am sure you already do that but I know when you have resentments it is hard to hold back and you are only human). Maybe you can tell them that if they start to feel uncomfortable that it is okay to call your friend or you. Just letting them know they have other options in there situation will empower them to trust their own feelings and get themselves out of the situation. Do they have a cell phone in which they can keep with them? You never know, just having that may help you as well as them so that no matter where they are they have a way to reach someone. I hope I am helping rather than creating any more worries for you. I think kids are smart and they are more aware of their surroundings than us parents may think or desperately want to believe (I know that there has been times I wanted to believe they didn't notice some stuff!....they did) I am just trying to help....parent to parent. My heart goes out to you and I really do believe someone will watch over them. Do all you can to make yourself feel better about the situation and in knowing that maybe you can have more peace just in knowing you did all you could.

Hugs,

Alice
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Old 05-14-2003, 08:09 AM
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Hi Mysty......I totally relate to your situation and agree totally with all who posted.

Like you, I had sheltered my children from his alcoholism since the day they were born.....three kids ages 16, 12, 10. My now estranged---for three months---husband never drank openly at home or in front of them. We both have jobs where we travel occassionally and he would drink when he was away or when I was away on business. While we went around and around on this and he'd get sober for a little while after each episode, I never thought he would do anything to put our children at risk.

He started to sneak around and drink at home last summer. I knew he was drunk, but, like the classic compliant, never wanted to make waves, so I ignored it.

In February, I was scheduled to go on a two day business trip to NY. Before leaving, I pleaded with him to please do not drink. Two hours after my plane departed, he drove to town to pick up pizza for the kids....he was drunk enough to hit a car, leave the scene of the accident, and drive home, hysterical in front of the kis. They flipped out. My H called my father who drove to our house and took him to the police station to turn himself in.

I thank God everyday that my children were not in that car and that he didn't hurt anyone. And I also kick myself for not educating my children on alcoholism, the fact that their Dad is an A, what signs to watch for, etc. Through thistragic experience they know and it was very tough for them. They also have numbers of friends and family memorized and they know to NEVER get into his car if they suspect he's been drinking.

H has been sober for three months and we continue to be separated. Regarding the DUI....AND leaving the scene of the accident.....he got off with a deferred sentence, no jail time, no fine, a little community service AND THE HIT AND RUN charges were DROPPED. I suspect this is because he is has a high profile career and is very active in the community. Go figure.

Since this, my children have talked to me about other times when "Dad seemed strange...." and learned that on many of those "strange" times, he was behind the wheel with them in the car.

I really didn't mean to blab this much. Mysty, I understand what you are feeling. All I can say is that if I had it to do all over again I would have educated them about their Dad's illness early on. I'm very matter of fact with them. The last thing I want them to do is get into a car with him.

Take care....I'm sending positive mental thoughts your way!!!!

S
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Old 05-14-2003, 09:58 AM
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Thank you all for your suggestions and support. Why is it that we always feel the need to hide valuable truths and facts about this disease from our kids? I know as mothers we really want to protect our kids, but in hindsight knowledge is power, isn't it?
I did broach the subject with my kids last night, I found an opening and I took it. Thank you to the most disfunctional family on TV - who would have thought The Simpsons would be good for anything but a groan? LOL
I think my daughter kind of expected it or had some kind of clues, but my son had no idea that his Dad was still drinking. He idolizes his Dad, made especially evident in the numurous ways he tried to get his attention over the years. To say he was crushed is putting it mildy, there were actual tears welling in his eyes. ( I ache for him now just as much as I did last night) I was quick to point out that it didn't mean that his Dad would 100% for sure drink while they were there. ( Mentally cursing the ex for not seeing this himself)
I also reminded them that IF he did drink, or if there was drinking going on in the house while they were there or something was going on that made them uncomfortable to call me of their best friend's Mom immediately. With either phone call my g/f will be there ASAP to take them out of there. I really wish I had a cell phone to send with them, but I don't have one, I will be making sure they each have a list of numbers and a phone card.
Something I wasn't clear on and thanks for bringing it up, I really need to go over the warning signs with the kids. Hopefully it won't confuse them more because they've always seen how erratic thier Dad's behaviour was, drunk or sober and probably can't distinguish the difference. The only real difference being that when he's drunk his behaviour goes to the extremes.
Case in point - a situation with him and our daughter last year that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
My G/F and her husband have a small acreage outside of town, thru out the summer the kids and I spent a lot of time there and between the 4 kids (my two oldest and her two) they'd spent a great deal of time learning to drive 2 quads. Occasionally my G/F and I took a turn and went off ourselves to a nearby gravel pit to play on the smaller hills.
On a day in late August as we were preparing to go out for a visit my ex (still hubby then) showed up unexpectedly early and asked to come too. The kids took turns on the quads when we first got there, just zooming around beside the house, then my G/F and I went for a short putt to the gravel pit and back. Then her hubby and mine decided to go for a spin, but my hubby told our daughter she was to go with him, I'm not crazy about doubling and said so, but my daughter was game and they went.
About 20 minutes later we heard them coming back, going very slow and cautiously, my G/F's hubby got back first and said we had a little problem. Hubby was about 2 minutes behind and as they were reaching the house he laughed and asked if there was a bandaid in the house cause S had a boo-boo. He was joking about it so I wasn't too worried til I got a good look at my daughter. She was mud head to toe and barely made it off the quad without falling. Hubby said Oh she's just making a big deal out of it, she just cut her finger. I looked at her and looked at him and asked him what had happened he said he'd tried to climb one of the hills and they'd fallen off. Meanwhile I was noticing scrapes, cuts and bruises as I was checking her out. Took her in the house and upstairs and checked her out thoroughly as well as to get her story. Once I saw how badly her WHOLE body was cut up and bruised I was furious, but I started to see red as she told what really happened.
He had picked the tallest and steepest hill in the quarry to climb, because Darrel was doing some daring stunts on his quad and hubby doesn't like to be over shadowed. When our daughter saw what he was about to attempt she told him to stop and let her off, he told her no way, she was being a chicken. So up they went, these things are NOT meant for climbing, they almost made it to the top and stalled out. As the quad started to flip over backwards my hubby bailed, leaving our daughter to tumble over and over with the quad to the bottom of the hill!!!!!! I told my daughter to have a quick shower and get some of the grime off the cuts and then I was taking her to the hospital and went downstairs. I went downstairs and in a complete rage, but eerily calm voice said we were leaving as soon as S was ready and that I would drop him off at the house on the way to the hospital. He started laughing and said I was being rediculous, there was nothing wrong with her and that if anyone needed to go it was him, he'd wrenched his knee. HOW SELFCENTERED and EGOTISTICAL could he be??? this is my ex 4 months sober and still not caring about anyone but himself. That was it BING! the light was on and there was no way I would stay and let my kids suffer any more hurt. Two days later I told him to move out and within 3 weeks had our agreement settled and signed, packed up what I could in a u-haul trailer behind the truck and the kids and I made the 3 day trek to ontario. One of these days I think this will turn into a book, I didn't mean to make this so long, but it just pours out at times. I'll shut up now
Much love and thanks,
Mysty
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Old 05-14-2003, 10:38 AM
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Mysty,

When my son was young and visiting dad I always managed to be friends with the woman he was seeing, because SHE was the one that would end up responsible. The only thing wrong with these woman was their choice in men. Other than that they made she the Beav stayed ok.

Other wise I think the kids need to have two phone numbers on them all the time. Your girlfriends and yours. I am beginning to teach my 5 year old grandson that he can ALWAYS call PaPa or me! No matter what!

And they should be told they can say "NO" if they don't feel safe. Like getting in the car for instance.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 05-14-2003, 11:34 AM
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Mysty....my heart goes out to you. There is nothing quite like the irresponsibility and self-centeredness of an A.....drunk or, at times, sober. And it's amazing how the pain of the memories of these "events" lingers with us. I really respect you for getting angry and making the decision you did shortly after that incident. That's what I'm working on now in my recovery process....I have been unable to get angry or show anger---EVER, and cannot say one simple word...NO. I'm working on that, but it ain't easy. I have this stupid need to please people 100% of the time, and worry about having approval from others. You did good, woman.

Those are the type of warning signals that I was referring to. When my H drinks, he starts out euphoric, and happy to the point where we are all looking at each other like....."...he's nuts!" He's too happy, believes he owns the world His actions and emotions are exaggerated. Then, later on during his binge, he becomes moody, beligerant (sp?) , argumentative, "dopey eyed", sweaty, the list goes on and on.....

After I finally spilled the beans and talked to them about Dad being an alcoholic, they brought up incidents and situations to me where Dad may have been drinking.....

They took it very hard at first, especially our middle child. He adores his father. There were lots of tears. That was three months ago. Now I think they are stronger. They're handling it very well. No more secrets. We continue to have discussions and I don't dwell on the subject, but I do encourage them to talk to me when they have questions.

My counselor brought up a very good point......if I would have continued to shelter and protect them from anything negative or challenging, they will not have the experience or the skills to cope with real world problems/issues/situations when they become adults. That really hit home to me. I was actually doing more harm than good by protecting them.

Hope this helps, Mysty.
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